"Ben and I have passed the eight month mark and things are better than ever." Wow, I feel like a total fool. Let me explain . . .
Last night Ben and his good friend went out with me, some of my friends, and a bunch of others to a theater performance. Ben had to hurry back after work, got stuck in traffic, and had very little time to eat before we left. They wouldn't let anyone in after 8, so it was a bit of a rush to get there on time. He got us there, but I noticed he seemed a bit nonchalant about the time crunch when we were getting ready to go, and his roommate and I practically had to drag him out the door because he wanted to finish cleaning up the dishes.
After the show I wanted to continue on to the restaurant that my friends were going to, but Ben was kind of tired. He suggested I could come back home with him and drive out in my own car to hang out, but I didn't really want to hang out with a bunch of friends and their significant others without mine present. I persuaded him to go at least for a bit, and his friend came too. We ended up having a good time, and after we left he went right to bed (he had work again this morning).
This morning he came back from his work assignment and we talked on the bed. I asked him what had been on his mind last night, just wanting to clarify what exactly had been wrong. Unexpectedly, what he had to say had less to do with last night and more with the relationship as a whole. He said that he feels I am more emotionally invested in the relationship than he is, and he's been feeling guilty about it recently. A couple days ago I did kind of pour my heart out to him about how lucky I felt to have him, and how I talk so positively about him on my blog. I have noticed he doesn't really spontaneously compliment me very much, but at this point I was just chalking it up to the way he is. As you know if you read this blog, there has long been a bit of a discrepancy in the amount of affection we show each other, with me showing much more to him. A while ago he claimed that was just the way he is, that it wasn't me, so I haven't worried about it excessively since then. This new revelation, however, has me reevaluating my entire perception. After our talk he had to leave for another work assignment, so I've just been at his house, ruminating.
He said he wants to give continuing the relationship a go to see how we do now that this is out in the open. I am conflicted about this. On the one hand, I like him so much and would of course like to stay with him. It concerns me, though, that his heart isn't fully in it. He says that we make a lot of intellectual sense. We are compatible in so many ways, some ways that seem pretty special. But I know that a romantic relationship cannot exist solely on what makes intellectual sense. He said he feels I deserve someone who can be as emotionally invested as I am. But I don't want him to break it off based on what he feels I deserve. I want him to break it off only if he feels its right for him.
So, I'm kind of at a fork in the road right now. Everything that seemed so good has just been flipped on its head. Ben's a great person, he makes me happy, and we both enjoy each other's company. However, I just don't see how he's magically going to develop more intense feelings for me if we just continue as we are (especially now that my old insecurities have come back with a vengeance). So part of me wonders whether I shouldn't just break it off now . . . if that's where it's going to end up eventually anyway. Is there any coming back from something like this? I thought I had won him over, but now I feel we're back to "boat without a rudder" (see our third date back in March if that doesn't ring a bell).
Lately I've been feeling so lucky to have someone so compatible intellectually, temperamentally, sexually . . . with similar values and interests. Someone I find attractive, I enjoy being with and talking to. Someone who gets along great with all of my family and friends. But without this intangible emotional investment, what good is any of that?
Now, he is still on the cusp of a major career transition and is still on shaky financial ground, so perhaps the associated stress has something to do with it. I don't know.
5 comments:
I am sorry to hear this news, many of us had high hopes for you.
I am not sure what is the right course. It does sound like you have thought about your initial reactions and it's good that you are not making any rash decisions. Many of your comments would be similar to my own if I were if your situation. You want to give him a chance and hope there's another explanation for his ambivalence.
It could well be the career and financial issues are so crushing that romance is taking second priority.
While I can see a pre-emptory move to let him go now, if that ends up being where things look like they may be headed may have appeal, it would be a purely defensive move on your part to try to blunt the hurt of breaking up. Why not float around for awhile to get a better feel what each of you wants?
At this point, more communication is needed (but don't nag him) to try to better understand what his concerns are and whether you two can compromise and bridge the differences. I think it's OK that you may be more emotionally invested, it doesn't have to be 50-50 equal. 60-40 would be OK, It's where it gets truly dis-proportionate, like 80-20 (where one is doing 4 times the effort of the other to keep things going) that's a danger sign.
There is no easy answer. Having those insecurities is a natural reaction, just don't let them drive your decision making.
Damn. I'm really sorry to hear this news.
As you might know, I faced a very similar situation a few months ago. My pain is fresh and I'm sure it's going to spill over into this comment. Be skeptical of my advice because I may be projecting too much of my situation on to yours.
I agree with Ben that if your relationship is emotionally lopsided, you face a fundamental problem.
Now that you know how he feels, you will naturally be more insecure and that will make you more needy. As your need for reassurance grows, his need for distance and independence will grow too. Before too long, one of you will break-up with the other.
Alternatively, you can back off by only returning his calls and texts and not initiating anything and by only making plans with him if he extends an invitation. The idea is that your low level of emotional engagement will cause him to realize that he misses you and he'll thereby become more emotionally invested. While this approach can definitely work, it's not easy to successfully execute. You have to genuinely not care whether you hear from him or not. It's the "genuine" part that's difficult. You have to walk a thin line between never revealing your neediness and not being hurt or angry that he doesn't care as much as you do.
Your third option is to stand tall and break up with him. You tell him that, for as much as you like him, you deserve to be equally wanted. Doing that puts you in a position of relative strength, and that's important because insecurity and neediness are not appealing but strength is. As with the second option, whatever happens next is up to him. Your job is to show no weakness by contacting him first or appearing needy. This will create distance between you which is what he needs in order to assess how he feels about you. If you're meant to be together, he'll realize that and he'll eventually tell you so. If he instead feels a sense of relief because he no longer feels guilty about your uneven relationship, then you'll have no choice but to move on.
My advice is to be bold and break up with him. Consider it a friendly wake-up call for him. Is he going to find someone who likes him as much as you do? That's unlikely. Is he going to find someone that clicks with him as well as he clicks with you? Also unlikely. The problem is, as much as you know those things to be true, he's not sure. The ONLY way he'll know is when you're not together and he's had the chance to experience life without you.
In my situation, I tried option two but within days I realized that my guy wanted to break-up with me but didn't have the guts to say so. That annoyed me so I played dumb and essentially forced him to break up with me. In retrospect, I wish I had broken up with him. Since breaking up I've been determined not to be needy. So far, I've been successful. Does my guy miss me? Not nearly as much as I hoped. Am I disappointed? Yes. Is this the best outcome? Yes - because, just like you, I deserve a guy who really wants to be with me.
I should add that my ex and I are on friendly terms.
Breaking up doesn't mean ending your connection, it just changes the nature of your relationship.
It sounds like he's got a lot to deal with on his plate and is being distracted from his relationship with you. And he feels guilty about that. I understand.
Try to see this through a bit longer and see what develops. It's too soon to say it's the end.
Wow I didn't see this coming. But I think there's no need to blow this up like something with huge proportions. I mean, people are different, and no boyfriend ever will match 100% to your expectations.
I know it can feel wrong that he doesn't invest (emotionally) as much as you do in your relationship. I really can relate to that, because to me it feels like Stof does the same. He even once said exactly the same like Ben, that it feels like he doesn't love me as much as I do him. I learned though that that's just not true. For a big part this goes back to his upbringing. In his family, physical affection is not something that's important. When they meet, there's never shaking hands, hugging or kissing, nor does anyone cuddle or holds hands or whatever. Giving a compliment is unexisting too. Maybe it's about your expectations too. I'm told before that I've high expectations before I call somebody a friend, and maybe I'm the same for my bf. Maybe you and I expect too much from somebody? I've learned though that he has other ways to show affection. Like cooking something 'especially' for me, doing something I like or whatever. And with time he has sort of learned to show some more emotion. But it'll never be 100% perfect as I used to imagine my future boyfriend.
Maybe this sounds totally unromantic, but a good boyfriend is someone you can relate to in most ways, and who has more 'properties' that attract you than disgust you, and that you can trust. Just think about how many people you know would be suitable to be your bf (theoretically, so straight guys and even girls too). Do you see many people who would fit better than Ben? Then maybe it shows how special Ben might be for you?
I hope you two can sort this out, cause although I don't know you in real life, it feels like you're a good couple and that your relationship is based on the right things.
So I would give it some time to see where this goes. Throing him out first is always the easiest way, but if that's always your reaction, there'll never be a real longterm bf.
Take care buddy!
Kevin
Post a Comment