The impulses to blog are few and far between these days. So much easier to just try to ignore things. Thanks for the comments, good to know I can disappear off the face of the earth and come back and people are still around :-)
So, I talked to my mom about it again. Way more awkward this time. To the point where I even regretted bringing it up. Now, I'm still not comfortable AT ALL with talking about sexuality issues with people I know. The therapist was one thing, and that was hard enough. So, when I brought it up again with my mom I was talking about it in very vague terms (eg, "So, about the issues I'm going through, that I talked to you about before . . .). So it was a bit unpleasant when she asked me straight up, "Have there been guys that you've been physically attracted to?" I know that's an easy enough question, but it was just so forward and unexpected. I turned into a stuttering fool, muttering something about how my attractions to guys and girls are different. Which is true. She also made it clear that she herself is uncomfortable talking about these things, and she encouraged me to see another counselor, perhaps one that specializes in these things. Maybe that's a possibility, but I just don't know. I don't really feel like throwing money at something that may or may not be all that helpful.
This weekend I went down to San Diego to chill with some friends I hadn't seen in a while. I love feeling like I'm part of a group. Don't really get that too much anymore. Too many of my friends are not friends with each other, either because they don't know each other, or sometimes because they don't like each other. I've always been the kind of person who is able to hang out and get along with different groups of friends, but have never really been a central member of any one group. I should pursue new avenues of meeting people.
While I was down there I also entertained my friends with my guitar playing, and got some compliments, including of the "I had no idea you were that good!" variety. Felt nice. I certainly love to play. One of the greatest forms of stress relief. Any music fans out there who have thought about picking up an instrument, I cannot encourage it enough. You don't have to have rock star intentions. It's great just to be able to play casually. Anyone play anything?
Till next time.
4 comments:
It's more important to know what your feelings are and what your values are than to put a precise label on them.
Feelings — how strongly are you sexually attracted to guys; how strongly are you sexually attracted to girls? If the answer is not clear, you can give yourself more time for it to become clearer. But I think a counselor could help you sort it out, clarify your thinking.
Values — do you believe that it is wrong to have sex with a guy or that it is okay? (I assume that you don't have a moral problem with sex with a woman, at least in marriage if not in other situations.)
Decision time — when you're clear on your desires and values, you get to decide what to do about it. If you find that your values don't conflict with your desires, no problem. If you find that your values do conflict with your desires, then you have to decide which to follow. My recommendation would be to go with the values. That's what I did, and I've remained celibate.
But if you choose the no sex route, that doesn't mean you can't have close friends of both sexes. I think close friendship is important, whether it is part of a sexual relationship or non-sexual.
But there is no need to decide before you're sure. Take your time.
Yeah, my sexuality isn't something exactly easy for me to talk about either, with anyone. Perhaps you should take "time off" from seeing a counselor, and just exploring what's out there? Try to go on another date with someone?
I'm the same way with my friends, I blend into several non-overlapping groups of friends. Sometimes it's nice, a change in pace, but sometimes it's a hassle if you feel like you're being torn in several directions.
And music is a wonderful stress reliever! :D Too bad all my instruments aren't with me, but I'll bring one back when I go home this weekend.
Best of luck with everything.
Thanks for the advice guys, I appreciate it :-)
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