A much needed pick me up

Seems like whenever I hit emotional rock bottom I have a good first date to lift my spirits, haha.

I had dinner at a sushi restaurant with a guy I met on Grindr last night. Recent law school graduate. I will assign him the name Jared. For no particular reason, haha.

The shopping center where the restaurant was is always super crowded and parking is a nightmare. Jared lucked out and found a spot immediately, but I wasn't so lucky. I drove around the lot in a futile attempt before deciding to try my luck across the street. I saw him waiting outside the restaurant as I drove by, so I shouted, "Be with you eventually, Jared!" He laughed and then texted me an apology for picking a place with such a bad parking situation.

Fifteen minutes later or so I finally joined him. Immediately I noticed that he is quite a bit more on the feminine-acting side than most of the guys I've gone out with, as far as his voice and some of his mannerisms. However, he is also extremely cute.

I informed Jared that I was quite the sushi newbie, having only started eating it within the past year (in order to impress Ben, but I naturally left out that part, haha). I let him take the lead as far as deciding what rolls to order, with my input as far as my likes. We ended up ordering three different rolls, and all were quite good. Salmon, shrimp tempura, and the "spider roll." I was stuffed afterward. Jared is quite skinny and said he doesn't usually eat very much, so hopefully I didn't make him eat more than he wanted, haha.

The conversation was good. We covered a lot of topics from family, travel, school, hobbies, to coming out. I was pleasantly surprised that he was a relative late bloomer too. He didn't first get an inkling that he might be gay until he was 20, which is actually later than me (it was 18 for me). I was a bit disappointed to find out that he is not very close with his family, and his mom is a bit uncomfortable with his sexuality.

Overall the date was very nice. And in the end I was glad I parked across the street. Jared offered to drive me back to my car. He pulled over next to it and we hugged. I gave him a peck on the cheek and he sort of giggled. I decided to go for the whole enchilada. We chatted a bit more about his upcoming trip to Vegas (he was leaving after our date), and then I went for the full kiss. We kissed a bit, and then I took my leave with a smile, wishing him a safe journey.

While driving away from the parking lot I saw him pull over at a gas station to fill up. A few minutes later I received a text from him saying what a pleasure it was meeting me. I was happy that he felt comfortable sending that text so quickly. When I got home I replied, and told him I thought he was extremely cute. He reciprocated the compliment, and said I had great eyes and a great smile.

Today he texted me to say hi and we began chatting. He made it to Vegas and is hanging out with his friends. I was happy that he reached out. There may be potential with this one. He lives close, and he's not evasive. Nor does he seem to be the type to give mixed signals.

Speaking of mixed signals, I got closure in the Eric situation. After still not getting a confirmation from him about meeting up today, I texted him to say, "Never heard back from you man. What's up? Please don't leave me hanging. The ball is in your court."

Eric soon replied, "I'm sorry I've been so MIA. I'm just really trying to keep up. I don't mean to leave you hanging. You're a funny talented beautiful guy and I would be honored to be in a relationship with someone like you but I can't be your guy right now. I'm just not ready or able to date. Just decided to refocus on myself. I hope all the best with you and your career."

Well, I'm glad he finally was open with me. He's obviously got issues and I don't need to deal with that. I replied back that I was sorry if the first date went a little too fast, I just really liked him. I told him I wanted to get to know him better, even if just as a friend, and he knew where to find me.

So I can close the door on that guy. Bummer, but at least this revelation came after my good date with Jared.

As for the other guy that I was corresponding with on Grindr (the one who went to Texas on business), I finally met up with him after improv practice the other night. It was really late and he seemed pretty exhausted. Nice guy and decent conversation, but our texting chemistry didn't really seem to translate to in person, haha. Perhaps he's friend material.

I am still so happy I got into the improv troupe. Weekly practice is a great way to recharge my batteries, especially when I feel like I did well. And it gives me something interesting to share with people. Jared was impressed at how many hobbies I have (improv, guitar, hiking, etc)

Ben continues to "like" my Facebook statuses, especially anything related to my improv exploits. I've been on the fence about whether to ask him to stop or just tolerate it until I'm desensitized. I'll leave it alone for now.

So my mood is better. Here's hoping it sticks for a while.

Ok maybe spoke too soon

Depressing entry alert. If you don't want to hear me whine you might want to skip this one. But it's therapeutic. So here we go.

Yep, that's what happens when I write an entry while in the company of family . . . a bit too rosy a picture.

Now I'm back to what seems like my baseline state of 2013 . . . depressed and anxious. It sucks.

Hopefully improv practice tomorrow will lighten my mood.

Dating has me frustrated. What else is new? I finally got a hold of Kyle, the Filipino guy that I went kayaking with back in June. He's back from his travels and is open to meeting up. BUT only as friends . . . he's in a relationship now. He met someone on his trip and is now in a long distance relationship. As for Lawrence, the law student who I kissed last week . . . he's seeing someone seriously too. Two friend zones in one day! Bam! How come everyone under the sun but Cal is managing to find a relationship?

I cannot for the life of me get Ben out of my head. It has been nearly seven frickin' months! Get out of my head! I gave up trying to be friends months ago, and haven't had contact with him since the birthday exchange in early July. But images, memories, and feelings still torment me at all hours of the day. Whenever I let my guard down I start ruminating about the hurt he caused me, about the mistake he made driving our relationship into the ground to seek greener pastures, and about the wonderful eight months that I will never experience again. And about the seemingly futile pursuit of a guy who can make me feel the same way he did.

The behavior of certain guys disturbs me to no end. I was ready to write off Eric when he texted me last week and expressed interest in meeting up again (unprovoked). So I let him know this Saturday was free. He said he was free after 2. No further plans discussed. So I texted him today, just asking him "How are you?" No answer. And on my new iPhone I can see that he read it. How can you not answer a stupid little message? What is going through his head? You're either interested or you're not! I give up with that guy. As far as I'm concerned I have no plans on Saturday unless he contacts me.

Then there's always Nick, one of the very few guys I've gone out with that I actually thought was really cute. Two good dates and then nothing. Total disappearance. I can only assume something spooked him about me having lunch with our mutual friend. I don't know why. Maybe something between them. It's been a while now but that rejection holds special hurt for me because it was so unexplained.

And I am still plagued nonstop by sexuality doubts. I know several of you have commented on my past worries that I was asexual. Well, sad to say that they have by no means gone away. I don't have sexual feelings, period. Frankly I'm having a hard time even remembering why I decided to date guys instead of girls in the first place. The loneliness is driving me crazy, and the idea of a larger dating pool is enticing. I once again find myself looking at girls, thinking, "Well, how do I know if I don't try?" I think of my cousins and friends that are happy in relationships and I get so down on myself for being this way. Why can't I just have a clear direction? I desire "someone" but whether that someone should be a guy or whether it could also be a girl I just simply can't say. I feel like it could theoretically be either as long as the feelings were there, like they were with Ben. Which makes me feel like a pretender calling myself gay and hanging out with gay friends. All of these guys have sexual desires that are foreign to me. I feel like fundamentally I'm no more gay than I am straight. Only my history now tips the scale toward gay.

I was actually propositioned by a couple on Grindr the other day. They were in town on vacation and wanted to have some fun with a third. No anal, just hand jobs and blow jobs, and making out. I almost went for it. Even though that would fly in the face of what has been my morality for as long as I can remember. Just because I wanted the experience, wanted to increase my sexual repertoire. Wanted to feel like a normal, hot-blooded sexual guy. Hoped against hope that the experience would cause something to click for me. The guy messaging me sent me pictures of his and his partner's dicks to "entice" me. They didn't do much for me . . . I have feelings for people, not genitals. Anyways the guys ended up flaking out right when I started to warm up to the idea. Maybe it's for the best.

Honestly the improv thing is the only positive development in my life right now. Professionally I'm stagnant and have been for some time. Sure my job sounds impressive when I describe it to people (medical related, working with patients). But I haven't moved up rank wise in the past five years, I still am wishy washy about my next step since med school fell through, and I feel unproductive at work due to my procrastinating tendencies and general mental state. I seem to have lost all motivation for advancing my career. What's the point? Amass wealth for the house, wife, and 2.5 kids that I'm never going to have?

My thirties are rapidly approaching and I just wish I could turn back the clock and relive college again. Back when I was at the same level as everyone else and didn't feel like I was falling behind while everyone else grew up and left me in the dust, still asking myself the same questions I've been asking myself ever since I started this blog.

Who am I?

What do I want?

What should I do?

What do I have to offer anyone?

Will I always be alone?

P.S. I know this was a depressing entry, I just needed to vent. I know about counting my blessings. I have a lot to be thankful for. And after working with patients with some pretty horrible diseases I especially appreciate my health and youth. Please remember these entries are indicative of the mood I am in when I sit down to write them.

Getting better

Hello all,

Just been enjoying a relaxing weekend with family. My parents are in town so I've been visiting with them, my sisters, nephews and nieces. My cousin Roger came into town to see everyone as well.

Several bits of news.

First: I actually did hear back from Eric again. He texted me Wednesday morning and even sent a pic of his dad's get well cake. Next best thing to a doctor's note, lol. He even was the one to propose getting together for a date day, such as going to the beach or something. The only downside, he put the scheduling ball back in my court by saying, "If you're ever free on a Saturday..." So much for his promise to meet me halfway this week. So I'm still a little disappointed that he's not more proactive about setting a day, but at least he does want to see me again. I'll probably text him and say I'm free next Saturday, then see what he does with that information, haha.

Tuesday I had a first date with a law student. Quite tall and a black/white mix, which seems to be a pretty cool combo :) Then again I seem to be attracted to guys of mixed ethnicity. Two of the three guys I had kissed previously were a mix (Ben and Josh). I'm not sure about Eric. Guess we can call this new guy Lawrence, because it has the word "law" in it. That's right, I'm original like that. Anyways, we had drinks and chatted. We covered some dangerous first-date topics like coming out experiences and past relationships. Intriguingly, Lawrence was engaged to a woman at one point before coming out. I managed to talk about my relationship very briefly without hinting at how much and for how long its end affected me. Anyways, the conversation was good. I feel my demeanor was nice and friendly throughout, though I may have smiled a little too much, lol. Afterward he walked me back to the structure where I parked and we parted with a kiss. Heck yeah, first kiss number four and it was nice. My first first kiss standing up, and the first done in a public place rather than in a house or a parked car.

I texted Lawrence the next day to let him know that I enjoyed meeting him, and would like to meet up again sometime. He concurred, although I didn't detect much enthusiasm (probably over thinking, it was a text after all). I said I would love to see his new kitten sometime. He responded, "Is that just your way of getting me to invite you up lol" I responded that I wasn't that sneaky, haha. Not sure if he was being flirtatious or what. He hasn't initiated contact since then. I'll probably hit him up soon. I know he's busy getting ready for classes.

Last weekend I finally joined the rest of civilized society and got a smartphone. So of course what do I do that same day . . . Download Grindr. Now before I was against using that app due to its reputation as a hookup app. However, I keep hearing stories of guys meeting their boyfriends on there (including my friend YouTube Guy), so I decided it wouldn't hurt to use it, as long as my intentions are made clear and I don't mind being propositioned once in a while.

I got into conversations with several guys. One happens to be from the state that my parents retired to. Eventually we traded numbers and we've been texting back and forth throughout the week. He went on a business trip to Texas and passed a bit of his downtime chatting with me. He also taught me how to use Emojis, the cute little colorful emoticons. He's pretty cute in his pictures and seems really nice. I'm planning to meet up with him in a few days.

Another guy from Grindr lives near where I'm staying this weekend. Once I leave my sister's house I'm planning to meet up with him. We traded Instagram info. He's really cute.

Other bit of news this week: I got into the local improv troupe. That was exciting. I posted the news on Facebook and got a lot of likes. I was happy, a mood I havent had much since January. Also on Facebook I got some comments of congrats, including from Ben. That got me thinking about him again, sigh. But this troupe will be good. It will give me something to keep my mind occupied. Something I may not have even done if I were still with him.

So, things are going pretty well right now. Nice to not be rejected for once, after being academically and personally rejected at the beginning of this year. Nice that someone recognizes the awesomeness that is Cal. Haha.

Too good to be true

A couple weeks ago, on a Tuesday, I had a first date with a new guy. Let's call him Eric. I had started messaging this guy right before I went to Chicago. It seemed promising. Like me, he plays guitar and likes comedy movies such as Airplane! He had some YouTube videos posted and was very attractive and seemed to have a sweet personality. I met up with him, appropriately enough, in a nearby shopping center inside Guitar Center. We then walked over to a restaurant that had just been put in. Turns out, the restaurant wasn't open to the public yet. They were doing a special reservation-only training evening. I was just about to turn around and walk to another place, but Eric wasn't ready to give up quite yet. The hostess told us that we could try to inquire at the desk inside about reservations for a different night. Eric wanted to check it out, so in we went. To make a long story short, we ended up getting seated that night! And the meal was complimentary since it was a special training event! The only damper was that I wasn't able to order an alcoholic beverage . . . my license had just expired on my birthday, the new one hadn't come in yet, and my temporary one was all the way in the car (very far away in my work parking lot . . . I had walked over from work). So no drink for me, and I had to explain to Eric why I was carrying around an expired license!

Our meal was good. We had a pretty good conversation, with maybe just a few strained moments. He seemed like a really cool guy, though, with a good sense of humor. I liked him. And I admit, I had been crushing on him after hearing him sing on his YouTube videos, haha. A good singing voice gets me, lol. Same thing with what's-his-face.

After dinner we shared a dessert, which is something I almost never have. I don't have much of a sweet tooth and am very health-conscious. But Eric convinced me :-) Then he offered to drive me back to my car since I was parked so far away. On the way he handed me a stick of gum. Hmm . . . the last person who did that was Josh, and we all know where that led. When we got there, my least favorite part of any date came: the goodbye. I gave him a hug, and started to stammer about how I really enjoyed myself and hoped we could meet up again. I awkwardly committed a first date no-no . . . suggesting we set the next date right then. He seemed receptive, and suggested we meet up on Saturday. I said we could go for a hike. He seemed to like the idea.

Then, I decided to go for it. I leaned in and kissed him (something I've never done on a first date . . . heck, he's only the third guy I've ever kissed!) Soon we were making out, massaging each other, and even cuddling a little bit in his car and just talking. At one point I said with a smile, "Now I don't want to go." He replied, "So tell me more about yourself." After we did that for a while, he said he needed to go. Adorably, he offered to walk me to my truck, which was parked right next to his car. We got out and walked over. With a grin he got in the truck bed and laid down, staring up at the stars. I hesitated at first since the truck hadn't been washed in a while, but finally caved and climbed in too. We spooned a little bit in the back of my truck and kissed some more. Then I climbed out and got in the drivers seat to take my leave. Before I could he pulled me close for one more smooch, then returned to his car. Just as I was about to start my truck up and leave, I glanced over and noticed him holding up a phone: my phone. Laughing, I climbed out and walked around to retrieve it. "You did that on purpose, didn't you?" he asked. "I needed an excuse to do this again," I said, kissing him.

Then it was really time to go. "Bye Eric," I said with a smile and a wave. I got into my truck and drove off, on cloud nine. Suddenly Saturday seemed very far away. When I got home, a corny joke he had told me finally clicked in my brain, so I texted him to let him know I finally got it. He replied with an "lol" text, then followed up with, "You're adorable, btw." I was beaming.

The rest of our exchange:
Me: "Aw, thanks. Well you know what they say, takes one to know one."
Eric: "I'm glad I met you, and are you sure you didn't leave anything else in my car?"
Me: "Just you. I guess I'll have to come get you on Saturday."
Eric: "lol cute. Aw, I'm definitely looking forward to seeing you again."
Me: "The feeling's mutual!"

Saturday approached very slowly. On Wednesday I decided to make things fair by sharing my YouTube guitar videos with Eric. I texted him for his email address and he responded immediately. I sent the email to him, but he never acknowledged receiving it. Oh well. On Thursday I texted Eric to start formulating the plan. No answer. All day. Hmm.

Friday I tried again. I like to plan at least the day before. He finally got back to me and apologetically texted, "Cal, is it alright if we postpone tomorrow? Sorry I have to cancel."

I was bummed, and not sure whether this was a legitimate cancellation or not. I said, "Sure thing. Hope we can meet up soon, I really enjoyed meeting you."

He replied: "It's just a family gathering, I enjoyed meeting you too :-)"

I offered: "I'm planning on going to an improv show Saturday night if you're free. If not we'll touch base next week."

Eric: "Sounds awesome! Who's performing, where, when? :)"

Me: "It's the improv troupe I'm auditioning for. They're having a show and I need to attend as part of the try-out process. I can email you the details."

Eric: "Please! I'm going to see if I can make it."

Saturday came. I texted to see if he was coming. A few hours before the show, he texts that he won't be able to come. No worries, it was a shot in the dark. He doesn't suggest an alternate day, though, even though he was the one who cancelled.

During the early part of the week, I texted him to see whether Wednesday or Friday would work for him. At this point I'm feeling a little leery. I was still feeling a bit burned by Nick's unexplained disappearance after two dates went well and he seemed interested. I also didn't want to come off too strongly. I was happy to see that he texted me back, saying Wednesday would be awesome.

Except, come Wednesday it was no longer awesome. Cancellation # 2 (I don't count the improv show since he never actually committed to it). This time he was feeling under the weather. I didn't hold it against him since I had had the same reason for not meeting with him before my Chicago trip. At this point I was a little sick of waiting for him to respond to my texts, so I suggested that if he couldn't meet up maybe we could chat on the phone instead. He did call, and we chatted about making alternate plans. We settled on Friday instead. This time I would drive up to his house and we would eat somewhere near there. He suggested Thai food, which is one of my favorites.

Friday came. Things seemed like they were finally going to go as planned. I texted him for his address and he gave it to me, then said "See you tonight." A few hours later: "Cal I'm really sorry I have to cancel yet again. My dad got hurt at work. I would feel guilty if I went to dinner with you with him being injured. I want to keep an eye on him and find out what happened. I'll make it up to you and meet you half way next week, I promise."

This was Cancellation # 3. Three cancellations in one week. Yes, they all had seemingly valid reasons behind them, but I was feeling a little jerked around. My nature is to give people the benefit of the doubt, but I'm also very sensitive to getting burned right now. I texted him one last time, sending my best wishes to his dad and giving him my availability for the following week (this week). The ball is now in his court. Monday has passed and no word. If his "promise" is good, I'd expect to hear from him soon. But . . . I don't expect to hear from him.

I don't know why I keep running into these flakes. It's like I'm a magnet for them. Maybe it's because I'm using a free dating website. Maybe people aren't as committed as they would be on a paid one like Match. Match is the one that got me my one and only relationship, after all (even though that guy turned out to be quite the flake himself, a flake of communication skills and relationship effort . . . but I digress)

The great first date with Eric lifted my spirits immensely. It seemed like Ben's shadow might finally be lifting. Then when he ended up being yet another flake, it came crashing down again. Who knows, maybe all of his excuses were legitimate. But he still could have been more proactive about rescheduling. If he really had a significant interest in me, he would be trying harder to "make it up to me" instead of leaving me hanging.

Ugh. Dating sucks sometimes. A lot of the time.

Birthday weekend

Hey all,

Still playing catch up. I still want to talk about the date I had on Tuesday night, but not quite yet. Plus, the guy hasn't been the most communicative since then, so I'm not really sure where it's going. Hopefully by the time I write about it I'll have a better idea, haha.

A few days after I returned from Chicago, it was my birthday. I wondered whether Ben would return the favor and email me. Well, he did wish me happy birthday, but only via a post on my Facebook wall (just like everyone else). Shows where I stand, I guess. Talk about the Gotye treatment ("Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing . . .") Oh well. I least he did something.

The evening of my birthday I got together some friends for a fairly impromptu dinner. The people that could make it were an eclectic mix, which was interesting. Nina and her boyfriend came, as well as a married couple and their baby, and another guitar playing friend (who I had not seen in a long time and hence had not yet come out to). It's neat to see friends who haven't met before interact.

I spent my birthday weekend up in Los Angeles. First I had lunch with someone from the past . . . Ben's roommate. He had reached out via Facebook when he saw I'd be up in LA. It was nice seeing him again. He was one of two people I was most sad about losing from my life (not counting the obvious of course). We mostly avoided talking about the elephant in the room, though we did a little bit. He said "Ben says 'Hi.'" I said, "I say 'Hi.'" Later on when the subject of the break up came up he acknowledged that he likes us both very much, and just feels we're looking for different things. Whatever that means. I refrained from talking about Ben himself and just mentioned briefly how I had been hurt by being blindsided. His roommate said that he felt Ben had done what he did to try to preserve my feelings, but unfortunately in the end it made things worse. I agreed. After all, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

My next plan was a hike in Runyon Canyon. Another chance to "reclaim" a locale, since the only other time I'd been there had been with Ben (and his roommate). I invited the roommate to join, which he did. Also hiking were Roger, El Genio, Philip, Rick, and Tom. Philip, Rick, and Tom got stuck in traffic and were quite late, so the other four of us ended up walking all the way to the bottom and then back up to meet them. It was a fun time though, and the weather was great for it. Overcast, cool, and even a little drizzly. The hike ended on a little bit of a sour note though, as Ben's roommate returned my shirt to me. I hadn't even missed it during the past six months. Nice of Ben to tell me he still had it! Oh wait. I see he's still practicing those impeccable communication skills.

Overall meeting with Ben's roommate was positive, though. I'm glad that I didn't lose all of my new friends. I don't want to hang with him too often, but it'll be nice to catch up every once in a while.

After that, Roger, Philip, Rick and I went up to North Hollywood and met up with Lance, Nina, and her boyfriend for dinner. It was great seeing so many of my friends at once. Also great seeing Lance. He's put me through the emotional wringer in the past but I still have a soft spot for him.

We ended the night in a bar, after Lance and Nina's boyfriend had to leave. As we walked in I spotted a cute guy sitting alone at the bar. Nina spotted him too. Now, Nina has had, in the not so distant past, a very abysmal gaydar. She didn't even realize gay stereotypes existed until relatively recently. Her boyfriend has been filling her in. Well, she decided to use her newfound skills and identified the guy at the bar as a potential for me. Now to be fair, he set my gaydar off too. Long story short, she buys the guy two drinks in succession. At first I didn't know what was going on, but decided to use it to strike up conversation with the guy. Then I realized Nina's game. Unfortunately, so did the guy. Not before commenting on how cute the girl was who kept buying him drinks! The gig was up when he said, "It's almost like she's trying to set US up . . ." I admitted sheepishly, "That may just be her intention . . ." He was a good sport about it. Yep, he was straight. But he often gets mistaken for gay. In fact, he said even his mother thought he was gay growing up. Even to the point of making sure he had plenty of positive gay role models in his life! He said it made it almost a little awkward the first time he brought a girl home! Almost like he had to come out as straight! I didn't mind the dead end, I just enjoy meeting people and making new friends. The guy even offered to help set me up with any other guy I found in the bar, haha. Unfortunately after I went to check on my friends my would-be wingman left without saying good-bye. Oh well, it's a good story.

By this time several people in the group were getting tired and Philip, Rick, Nina, and Tom (who were all carpooling) had a long drive. So we left. I later found out that an inebriated Nina (who sorta swings both ways) and Rick decided to visit a strip club. Tom, who has quite the strict moral code, was adamantly against it, while Philip just wanted to go with the flow and not have drama. Bottom line, Tom was pretty much forced to go and Rick acted like a jerk to him. Tom's now extremely pissed at Rick. They've already had a pretty rocky friendship, since Rick doesn't particularly like Tom's personality and has basically cut him off. I'm disappointed in Rick's behavior. He's one of my best friends. I figure I'll have to discuss this with him next time I see him.

My last day in LA was full of social activity. First up was the meet up with the guy who had texted me in Chicago about being dumped. I chatted with him for a while, offering him as much advice as I could and also just generally getting to know him. He's a really sweet, cute guy. Not sure I'm interested in anything more than friendship, but I do want to get to know him better. We've chatted on Facebook several times since. I feel very sympathetic for him, since he's going through what I went through six months ago. Us heartbroken folks gotta stick together!

In the afternoon I went on a lunch date with a new guy from the dating site. He was really fun. We chatted a lot about movies and traveling. He lives quite far from me and is currently unemployed and possibly on the verge of a move, so I'm not sure about anything more than friendship. But once again, I'd definitely like to get to know him better.

The evening meet up was with someone I've met before. A med student who I went on a lunch date with previously. He's a super nice guy, and has very interesting stories. He's nearing the end of med school and plans to enter a specialty that will likely take him far from California for the entirety of his career, so once again not much relationship potential there.

Well hey, at least I'm accumulating friends! Ha ha.

Return to the Windy City

Once again it has been a while since I have posted, and a lot has been going on. I'm not sure whether I should have a massive info dump in this entry or just spread it across several. I guess I'll just start typing and see what happens!

I decided to respond to Ben's email, the one that he sent in response to my Happy Birthday email. I figured it would be rude not to. However, I kept it very short and didn't ask any questions of my own. Pretty much just "Work's going fine. Going to Chicago later this week. Thanks for asking." I'm just not ready to start dialogue with him. I broke radio silence to wish him happy birthday, but now it's time to go quiet again.

Chicago was fun. It was the second time I went. As you may recall, the first time I went to Chicago I had not yet begun dating, and I used the opportunity to go to my very first gay bar. So, I was determined to go back to Boystown this time and experience it as an out gay guy. Unfortunately, I got sick starting the Monday before my trip (I left on Friday). I was much better by Friday, but still not 100%.

Day 1: Lots of travel. I flew over, then had to sit in the car for a long time on the drive from O'Hare to my hotel. Luckily the driver was super nice. He was a Romanian immigrant with quite an interesting life story. That night I explored the area around my hotel a bit and walked down to a mall called The Shops at North Bridge. I like checking out malls in different places. Not so much to shop, just to take in the atmosphere and people. A cute guy at the tea shop offered me samples. After I tried them I left, then decided to chat with him some more and asked him for a recommendation for a pizza place. I didn't get a gay vibe from him so I moved on after that. Back at my hotel I went on the dating website and decided to see if I could use the broadcast function to find some new local friends to hang out with during my time in the city. I ended up getting three responses (all Asian guys oddly enough, I'm not sure whether it was coincidence, whether I tend to attract Asians, or whether they are more friendly on average, haha) I went to bed pretty early in order to try to kick the rest of my cold.

Day 2: My only full day all to myself with no work commitments. I took the metro up to Hollywood Beach, which is Chicago's gay beach, to meet up with the first guy from the dating site and his friend. They were both very nice. I thought his friend was quite cute, and he had a bit of a Southern accent and a very fast way of talking that enhanced the effect. We hung out at the beach for a bit and got acquainted, then we left. I went back with my new friend to his place so he could shower and change (no, no funny business, haha). After that we met the Southern guy again to have dinner and then go drinking. My new friends were quite the drinkers, haha. I didn't drink quite as much as them, for which I am very glad. I still consumed several shots and my head was spinning afterward. We spent some time at a bar where we danced quite a bit and chatted with a group of girls that were out celebrating a birthday. We then ended up at a dance club in Boystown. It was super packed, with poor visibility due to all the fog. At one point my friend (the one from the dating site) disappeared. I assumed he would be right back, that he had just gone to the restroom. But he didn't return. Me and the Southern guy danced for a bit, including me doing a little grinding (good times, lol). Then he took off too, presumably to look for his friend. He didn't return either. I started texting the first guy, with no response. Eventually, after a half hour of wondering through the club looking for them, it was getting really late and I decided just to call it a night and go back to the hotel. I wasn't too pissed about getting ditched, but things would have been different had I been more intoxicated or if I wasn't already familiar with how to get back to the hotel from Boystown. Bless my sense of direction!

Day 3: I woke up with a bit of a headache, and stayed in bed until about noon. That's no way to start a day in Chicago! I hoped that my night of drinking hadn't suppressed my immune system to the point that I would suffer a relapse of my cold. Luckily that didn't happen. The dating site dude finally responded to me, apologizing for having not responded to my texts the night before. Turns out he went home. He would later tell me that it is a habit of his when drunk to vanish and go home without telling anybody. That . . . could be problematic someday. After I got up, drank a lot of water, ate, and took some headache medicine, I felt better. I decided to walk around outside. My hotel was near the Navy Pier, so I walked over by that area. A sign for the architecture river tour caught my eye. A coworker who used to live in Chicago had encouraged me to go on that tour. So I decided to do so. I had my doubts at first . . . the sun was hot and there was no cover on the boat. Ultimately I loved the experience though. The tour guide was great, the views were awesome and I learned a lot about all the different skyscrapers in Chicago. Architecture isn't usually one of my interests, but the guide managed to make it fascinating. That night there was a reception and dinner for work, which I attended. I just stayed in my room afterward, since work meetings the next day would start very early.

Day 4: Most of the day was taken up by meetings. In the late afternoon I met up with the second guy from the dating site. He was very nice. We went to a coffee place to chat. I found him to be much more low key than the first guy. A bit closer to my temperament. We ended up talking about our experiences with relationships. He had a pretty hurtful breakup not long ago too. I informed him that my plan for the night was to go to Roscoe's, the very first gay bar I'd ever gone to, for their live band karaoke night. That was what had most enticed me back in the fall of 2011, and I was determined to go back and maybe even sing this time. He agreed to go with me. We walked down to Michigan Avenue and the Magnificent Mile before I needed to return to my hotel for dinner. After dinner I took the metro up to Boystown and met my friend at the bar. It took a while for the crowd to build up at Roscoe's, but eventually there were a fair number of guys. Some were very good singers! I studied the song list for something I could sing. My voice wasn't yet 100% recovered from my cold, so I didn't want to pick something too ambitious.

My first inclination was to sing "Suffragette City" by David Bowie. Since I envisioned my trip to the bar as a sort of "coming full circle," I thought picking a symbolic song might be good too. When I was with Ben, our karaoke song of choice was "Under Pressure," a duet by Freddie Mercury and David Bowie. I always sang the David Bowie part. Therefore, I thought it might be therapeutic to sing a Bowie solo song. After all, Bowie doesn't need Mercury to be awesome. However, it being in front of a live band and all, I just didn't feel like I knew the Bowie song well enough to attempt it. Instead, I chose to sing "Hey Jealousy" by the Gin Blossoms. That song always brings me back to the 90s, and I figured the range would be doable even in my slightly congested state. My performance went well! I think I jumped the gun a few times while singing, skipping parts and what not, but the band was great at compensating. Afterward I walked across the bar back to my seat, noticing that no one complimented me. I thought that was odd. I had been making it a habit of complimenting guys whose performance I liked as they walked by me. It gave me the impression that the bar was a bit cliquish. My friend complimented me though. He said I sounded just like the singer of the Gin Blossoms. I appreciated that.

Once intermission hit we decided to check out another bar, Sidetrack. They were having a showtune night. It seemed like a pretty neat bar. Very large and very crowded. Showtunes were playing on big screens and so many guys were really getting into them! The only one that I got excited about was "Circle of Life," haha. After that we called it a night. My friend had driven, so he was kind enough to drive me back to my hotel so I didn't have to do the metro/walk combo so late at night.

Day 5: Another meeting, which got out mid-afternoon. I decided to repeat one of my favorite parts of my previous trip to Chicago: renting a bike and riding up the bike path along Lake Michigan. By this day I was feeling almost back to normal. The weather had been great up to this point, but by now the humidity I had been expecting was finally starting to show its face. I biked all the way up to the gay beach, then cut west into Andersonville. I had lunch at a Mediterranean restaurant, then rode through town a ways. I managed to locate Boystown (I swear, that's the part of Chicago I'm most familiar with now, haha), then went east to return to the bike path. I had texted my first friend from the dating site (the one who had pulled the Houdini act at the club) to see if he and the Southern guy might want to join me for a show at the IO improv theater, since they had expressed interest before. Plus, I wanted to see the Southern guy again. By the time I returned the bike to Navy Pier I was running short on time. I had to skip a shower and ended up taking a cab up to Wrigleyville, where the IO theater is located. My dating site friend joined me, but unfortunately the Southern guy did not. The show was good, very funny. Afterward we walked over to Boystown, which is very close by, so that I could grab some food. While I ate we chatted a bit. The guy wants to move to So Cal at some point in the near future to pursue his career. Once I was done we parted ways and I made my way back to the hotel.

Day 6: Departure. No trip to O'Hare Airport is complete without a flight delay. I ended up arriving at my layover location, Houston, right when my connecting flight was leaving. The airline compensated me with a $10 food coupon for the food court (hey big spender!) and put me on the next available flight, which was several hours later. I made a new friend, a long haired guy who was also on the same connecting flight. We stuck together to figure out where we needed to go, then went our separate ways until departure time. I really enjoy meeting new people!

Throughout all the day to day events of Chicago, I was a bit varied in my emotional state. At times I felt very lonely. After all, the last time I had gone on a work trip to a big city I had a significant other to accompany me. My loneliness even led me to do the unthinkable (for me): download Grindr. I think part of it was also because once again the sexuality doubts were creeping into my mind. I wanted to take a look at guys in the area to see if any were particularly attractive to me. And perhaps . . . make use of my big, lonely hotel room for some further experimentation. Well, that didn't end up happening, but I did chat with some guys and even got a boner picture sent to me, haha.

One unexpected occurrence during my trip: I got a text from a guy that I had chatted with over several months on OkCupid and email. Several months before he had gotten into a relationship, but was still interested in meeting up to be friends. Well, he texted me with a simple, "Cal, I need advice." "Uh oh," I thought. "What could this be about?" Turns out he had just been dumped from his first relationship. He remembered that I had gone through something similar and wanted any advice I had on how to get through the misery. My heart went out to him. I remembered vividly how it was the first couple of days, and weeks. Heck, it was six months ago and I still have much healing to do. I texted him some advice and suggested we could meet up upon my trip to LA the following weekend.

Alright, that is more than enough for one entry. Still lots to discuss, including my recent bouts with some fairly bad depression (for me), a fun birthday weekend in LA which included a visit with an old friend, and the date that I just came back from a little while ago tonight. Suffice it say for now that it went VERY well! :-)

Until next time!

Attachment

It's been a while since I wrote an entry. Quite a lot has happened.

First of all, I had my first sexual experience with someone other than Ben. Josh came to my neck of the woods and we ended up having quite the time in the bedroom. I'd say I actually enjoyed myself more than I ever did with Ben. I tried bottoming, which wasn't anywhere near as unpleasant as I feared it would be. I was surprisingly relaxed during the whole experience. Josh really is a very considerate guy, which made it so much easier. He is clearly confused about his sexuality though. Even though he did enjoy himself, he expressed doubt afterward about being able to have a relationship with a guy. I'm glad I had the experience though. I feel like we both gained from it.

Ben's birthday was a couple days ago. After much back and forth about it, I decided to send him an email to wish him happy birthday. This was the first contact I have had with him since March. I also thanked him for meeting up with Roger to give him career advice. Ben responded later that night to thank me for the birthday wishes. He also asked me about work and my current career plans. I haven't responded yet. I'm not sure I really want to start a dialogue at this point. I had a rather vivid dream about Ben last night, and I woke up missing him again.

I am reading a book that has been helping me immensely. It's called "Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How it Can Help You Find and Keep Love." It is about attachment theory, which holds that people fall into three different attachment styles when it comes to relationships: secure, anxious, and avoidant.  Secure people are comfortable with intimacy, are good communicators, and do not overly obsess about relationships. Anxious people constantly fear that their relationships are on shaky ground, they crave closeness, and they are often preoccupied with their relationships. Avoidant people tend to keep their partners at arm's length and are uncomfortable with too much intimacy. The book holds that relationships between anxious and avoidant people are often troubled. The avoidant person reacts to increased intimacy by pulling back, which causes the anxious person to seek more closeness. Thus a vicious cycle is created.

As I mentioned in a previous entry, Ben definitely shows signs of having an avoidant attachment style. He was uncomfortable with too much affection, gave mixed signals from very early on, and subscribes to the idea of "the one," which the book claims is a common distancing strategy for avoidant types. As for myself, at least in the context of that relationship, I exhibited an anxious attachment style. Reading this book is definitely helping me move away from blaming myself for the dissolution of the relationship. It could very well be that our attachment styles were simply incompatible.

I took a bit of a hiatus from dating after the three promising guys all failed to go anywhere. Nick disappeared off the face of the Earth, Josh isn't relationship material, and Kyle is still traveling for work. Yesterday I finally reached out to some people on OkCupid, so we'll see if any of those go anywhere.

Phew! Okay, until next time!