Hanging with a friend

I hung out with my best buddy again tonight. I can't remember if I've assigned him a pseudonym before, I'll have to just give him another now, haha. Let's call him Rick. Hopefully I can remember the thought process that let to that name, haha.

Anyways, we went and had dinner and then went to the gym. I introduced him to this vegetarian restaurant that I eat at occasionally. They have really tasty food, and I've gotten over the initial weirdness about eating fake "chicken" and "beef." The gym didn't go so well, I got a headache and had to call it quits after a couple exercises. Still, I've mostly been having good workouts lately. I'm definitely back into going regularly and I've been trying to eat enough to put on some muscle. So far I've been happy with the progress I've been seeing.

After the gym Rick and I talked for a while about my dating. I told him about the date with Ben last weekend and my continued daily correspondence with Jake. He told me to be cautious telling our other friend from college about my secret, since apparently the guy's a bit of a blabbermouth. I don't think I'd have to worry about him spreading this particular thing around, but good to know anyways. Whenever I told him it would need to be accompanied by a disclaimer.

Rick told me something very interesting. He said that this was the most relaxed he had seen me. EVER. That took me by surprise. I asked him how I usually acted before. Uptight? High-strung? Guarded? He said uptight  might be a good word for it. He said I would often seem like I had something troubling me, something on my mind. I didn't realize I was that transparent! It crossed my mind to ask, "How come you never asked me what was wrong?" but it's not like I would have told him before now anyway. He also commented about how we were now talking about things we'd never talked about before, such as me dating people (I pointed out that this was because I hadn't done that before, haha . . . though he clarified that I hadn't really even expressed the desire before).

We chatted a bit more, I told him more about my career decision struggles and my anxiety issues, as well as my recent increases in confidence. He told me about his own career issues as well (that's one thing we definitely have it common, he's on his way to getting a second bachelors for a career change). All in all, opening up to him hasn't harmed our friendship at all. If anything I feel closer to him than ever before. I feel less pressure to put on an act, I can be myself and express what I'm really thinking and feeling. For instance, somehow the topic of lesbians came up in the car. I asked him if he enjoyed watching girls make out. He said yes, but he wasn't really that much into lesbian porn. He asked me if lesbians did anything for me, which I honestly answered, "No." He then said that one thing he couldn't watch was two dudes making out. To that I responded, "No comment."

Man, I should have done this a long time ago.

Sunday can't come soon enough

Just a couple days until the weekend and I'll finally get to meet Jake. I am so out of my element, it's crazy. We've still been texting and emailing a lot, and being a bit flirtatious too which is totally unlike me. Well, at least unlike me until now!

The other night he texted me on my way home from work to see if I had some time to chat. When I got home I gave him a call and we ended up talking for an hour.

Things I'm liking about him:
1) He's extremely laid back and easy going, which is a trait that people I get along with well tend to have.
2) He's got a great, witty sense of humor. That's definitely a must in my book. He's a lot of fun to joke with. There's been some texts that I sent him that were pretty corny, causing me to second guess what I sent, but then he'll respond with something equally cheesy and crack me up.
3) We share a lot of common interests. We both love movies, traveling, video games, reading, and staying active. Also music, and he's got an interest in learning the guitar . . .
4) His accent. He could probably read me the index of an organic chemistry book and I'd be captivated, haha.
5) He seems to like me! It's not a one-way street with the communications. Either of us will initiate the conversation and pick up where we left off.

Today I sent him a joking message, saying I had something to do this Sunday but for the life of me couldn't remember what. He responded, saying he had the same feeling . . . then he remembered he was meeting up with a guy who 'sounds pretty hot.'

So, completely uncharted territory here. It's been fun, though. I'm trying to keep level-headed about it (key word "trying"). A huge weight off my shoulders is having two things out in the open already: my lack of having had a serious relationship before, and the fact that I am only out to a few people. Neither bothers him at all.

Just play it cool, SoCal, just play it cool . . .

Date # 2

Hello,

I had my second-ever date with a dude today. It was really cool, I liked this guy much better than the first guy I met up with. He was really good-looking and really nice, and we had a good conversation. We also have quite a bit in common: we both love travelling, we're both really into music, and we both enjoy staying in shape.  We met up at a shopping/entertainment district in Long Beach called 'The Pike.' At first I assumed we were going to have lunch, but he suggested going to a lounge first. We had drinks there and chatted for quite a while. By that time it was almost 3 and we still hadn't had lunch, so I asked where he wanted to go. He said that he actually needed to get going, because he had stuff to do. We walked back to the parking structure and before we parted ways we talked a bit more. He said he really enjoyed meeting me and thought we should do it again. The biggest road block is that we don't exactly live close to each other, but he said Long Beach was a good location to meet. We hugged and went back to our cars.

Afterward I of course (me being me) started trying to analyze the date to figure out the impression I made on him. Since I have so little dating experience it's hard to determine how much he really liked me. I was worried about how we ended up not doing lunch, but it could very well be that he had stuff to do. Then he mentioned meeting up again, but I wasn't sure whether this was a friendly kind of "yeah, we should do this again sometime" or if he really would like a second date. I figure I'll give it a couple days and maybe shoot him an email or something? He's really busy during the work week so he probably wouldn't respond until next weekend anyway.

Shortly after I got home I got a text from Jake: 'How's it going mate?'  We texted back and forth a bit. We've texted at least a little every day since the middle of last week. We're still taking a break from the emails so we can have a better conversation when we meet up (we've already covered many of the topics you would talk about in the first couple dates, haha!)

Long story short, I currently have two prospects: the guy from today (let's call him Ben) and Jake. They both seem like great guys. I know that Jake is interested, but we haven't met in person yet so I'm not sure how that will affect things. Ben's level of interest has yet to be determined.

So the current plan of action: email Ben in a couple days to see if/when he wants to meet up again.  Meet Jake this weekend and see how I like him in person. And take it from there. I just can't believe I'm only a couple weeks into dating and I've already met two guys I really like! This has caught me totally by surprise. I'm trying to temper my expectations, but we'll see.

Anyways, good night everyone!

Further out

Hi all,

It's been a very interesting week. I am trying to keep up with the "go with the flow" mentality. At the same time, what I have going on with Jake is something new and very exciting for me. We're texting pretty much every day now, even just things like "Hope you have a good day." We've talked on the phone twice now. We're actually deliberately cutting back on the emails to ensure that we don't cover too much before we meet. It's still a week before he returns. It's gonna be a long week. And I really have no idea what will happen then. Ideally we'll click, and the way I see it, at this point worst case scenario we'll just be friends. Which is cool, I always like making new friends. Best case scenario, my first relationship? We'll see.

I also just came out to another person! One of my best friends . . . well really I'd say he is my best friend (especially now!) I've known him since freshman year of high school and we've been good friends since junior year. He was my roommate freshman year of college. We've grown a lot closer over the years, and lately I've been hanging out with him about once a week. I've been working up the nerve to have "the talk" with him for several weeks now. Tonight I finally did it (though it took a while to work up to it). I told him about everything: my confusion, my anxiety and how it exacerbated my career indecision, seeing the psychologist, my worries about my sex drive, the testosterone therapy, the blog, my blog friends and pen pals, the dating website, my first gay date, and Jake. Basically the entire story thus far. His reaction was great, and it turns out one of his other friends came out to him recently too, haha. He also said that him and a couple other friends from the dorms had speculated about my sexuality "many times" before. I guess they were trying to figure out why I wasn't dating girls. My friend figured at the time that I just lacked self-confidence. Anyways, his opinion is that I should tell my dad next. I'm not too enthusiastic about that idea, but we'll see. I actually have another friend that I've recently reconnected with, and this one is gay himself, so he seems a logical choice for the next person to talk to. I've known him since elementary school and he just moved back to the area. I hung out with him a bit yesterday and met some of his friends, and a couple of them were gay too (one was smoking hot . . . but taken).

First things first, I want to see what happens with Jake. Actually, I agreed to meet up with another guy this weekend (still haven't heard from him regarding a time and place but he's extremely busy). My plan is to see how I like this guy, see how it goes with Jake next weekend and if for some reason both are viable for second dates I will decide at that point which way to proceed.

Have a good weekend everybody!!

Go with the Flow

Hey y'all,

Did quite a bit of communication by phone today.

First I called my mom, who lives out in the Midwest.
Her: "Are you calling about the tornadoes?"
Me: "What tornadoes?"
So, I hadn't checked the news yet. Apparently a series of tornadoes swept across the Midwest this morning, did a lot of damage and caused some deaths. Luckily my parents are fine.

Then, while at work, I received a text. It was from Jake! He was asking how my last improv acting class was last night. Well . . .
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Last night was fun, and a little bittersweet. But, one of my fellow students plans to open up her house to us periodically so we can continue practicing improv. In addition, after class I walked and talked with a couple friends, including 'Demetri,' the trainer friend who had apparently ditched me the other week. I had since added him on Facebook and he had sent me a friendly wall post, so I knew we were good. Honesty, he may have just not even seen me that day, I don't know. Sometimes I get a little too sensitive about how I'm perceived by others. In any case, Demetri invited me and another guy to go for a drink after class, so the three of us hung out for a while. The two of them started talking about girls and inevitably asked me whether I was dating at the moment. I just said no, not right now. No need to complicate matters, haha. I did find myself wanting to relate to them though . . . once again I could feel the doubt creep in, the wonder about whether I couldn't just make it work with a girl . . . Anyways, Demetri dropped me off at my car afterward and said to keep in touch. And I plan to. I love making new friends!
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Anyways, back to today. And no, I didn't text Jake all of that. But we did start texting back and forth for several hours, something I rarely do. At one point he said he was in between flights at the airport, so I decided to surprise him by calling him on my lunch break. Unfortunately he didn't pick up . . . turned out he was eating lunch with colleagues. But later on he called me back and we actually talked for the first time. Gotta love his accent! And he was pleased that I didn't have a feminine quality to my voice (not something he's attracted to). I couldn't talk long before I had to go back to work, but we continued texting until he had to board his flight. It'll still be another week and a half before he returns to California. That's going to be an interesting meeting . . . through all the emails, texts, and phone calls we're going to know so much about each other already, haha!

We have an interesting thing in common. I've written before about how Mike Manning's story on The Real World DC was so helpful to me. Mike is a bisexual guy who used his time in DC as his first time to really get out and explore his gay side. He's attractive, masculine, and just an all-around normal guy. Seeing him and his laid-back attitude toward sexuality definitely helped me in my journey toward coming to terms with being attracted to guys. Turns out, Jake watched that season too, and was helped in the same way!

A short while ago I talked to my youngest cousin on the phone for 2 hours. We used to have really great conversations quite often, but he's been pretty busy with work. So, it was nice to talk like old times. I opened up to him about Jake, rather apprehensively at first but then I just let it flow. I told him how I was worried that by the end of Jake's 2.5 weeks away my expectations would be so high that I would be devastated if we didn't hit it off in person. His advice: go with the flow. It's true . . . if there's one lesson to be learned from all of this, it's go with the flow. It's what I learned from Mike Manning. It's what I learned from YouTube Guy. It's what I learned from the About.com thread and my pen pal Mike. It's what I worked on improving in my improv class. Go with the flow.

 

Jake I've got your number

How do you like that title, a little throwback to one of my first entries?

The correspondence with Jake has continued. Yesterday I gchatted with him awhile and shared with him my super-secret YouTube videos of me playing guitar. He was impressed :-)  He gave me his number and we texted a bit today. Ugh, the 10th is so far away (that's when he's back in town)! I really want to meet him in person. He seems like a really cool guy, so I really hope we click in real life. I know I just started this game though, so I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much. This trip of his definitely has made an interesting situation. Here we are trading all these emails back and forth, asking and answering questions . . . hopefully we'll still have things to talk about when we meet! Hopefully there'll be chemistry, mutual attraction.

I was never this enthusiastic about dating girls. Hmm . . .

Like Christmas in my inbox

Between Match and messages from various online friends, my email inbox is definitely a lot more lively lately. I've been corresponding with three guys on Match though Jake is the one I'm most excited about. We've been exchanging very lengthy emails. He seems like a really great guy, and I look forward to him returning from his business trip so we can actually meet in person. It also sounds like he came to terms with his sexuality and came out relatively recently (over the last couple years), which takes loads of pressure off of me. I was worried that not being "out" enough or for long enough would be an obstacle for me, but it doesn't seem like that would be the case with this guy. It had been a couple of days since I'd last responded to him, so I was very excited to get an email from him tonight.

I also got an email today from one of my best friends, let's call him Steve. Steve's in the military, so I barely ever see him. In fact, we were only friends for the last two quarters of college before he moved out of California. But somehow (largely due to the wonders of the internet and Xbox Live) we managed to become closer friends despite the distance. One of the great things about Steve is that he'll periodically check in with me, usually via email. All my life I've constantly had to be the one to maintain contact with friends, even close friends. Heck, even family members like my sisters and cousins will go weeks and weeks without calling me, so I'm always the first to call them. I've largely accepted this as my role, and have learned to not take it personally.  At the same time, I always greatly appreciate it when a friend is the first to contact me. Steve is good about that. So hearing from him was a treat today.

Then I also got an email from Mike, my email pen pal I wrote about previously.  He's been non-stop travelling so it'd been a while since I'd heard from him. Shortly after I sent off my response to Jake I found Mike's message waiting in my inbox. Again I got excited, as his messages are always fun to read.  So basically, it was like Christmas morning in my email inbox today.