Second chance

Okay, time to finish the story from a couple weeks ago.

So, before I went to San Diego I came upon Eric's Facebook profile through a mutual friend. I somewhat impulsively decided to text him to see how he was. To my surprise, he responded by calling me and we talked for a while. He seemed happy to hear from me, and suggested we meet up again. Now remember, this is the guy who cancelled on my three times in one week after we had an awesome first date. Suffice it to say I was approaching him with much caution. However, he told me in the conversation that he had realized recently he had a tendency to push people away and he was trying to change that. So, I decided to give him another chance. But, HE would have to lead the way, and I considered him on "dating probation."

One wrinkle: I added him on Facebook, and on the way down to San Diego Wes asked me, "How do you know Eric?" Turns out he knows him too, and went out with him a couple times. "He's an asshole," he said. Later he elaborated that he didn't really quite remember why the guy was an asshole, but they had dropped out of contact. It was definitely jealousy talking. I felt bad, but I knew I had to make my own decision about Eric.

We texted back and forth a bit while I was in San Diego. The day after my long date with San Diego guy, I was at work texting with Eric to set up a meet up. I said I could meet that day or the next. He said he was free that day, so we made plans for him to come to my place. That night he did, and we went and got sushi and frozen yogurt. We had a good time, and good conversation. The conversation continued in the car while we finished our yogurt, then we ended up making out. After that I invited him to come back to my place to watch a movie or something. I wasn't sure if he would go for it, since he usually gets up really early, but agreed.

We get back to my place, and start cuddling/making out on my bed. The TV never gets turned on. I don't necessarily have the intention of things going further than cuddling, but things escalate. Note that HE is the one that escalates it. He removes my shirt. He unbuttons my pants. So I do the same to him. Before long I'm naked, then he is. We do hands, we do mouths. Here he is, the fourth guy I've done anything with in bed, right after the third.

Problem is . . . he gets curious for some reason. He stops for a moment and asks me when the last time I did something with someone was. I . . . am an honest person. "Recently . . ." I stammered. "This weekend?" he asked. "Yes." Damn, why couldn't this have happened any time but now?

I asked him if that was a problem, and he said no. But he asked further questions. "Who was he?" "What did you guys do?" I assured him it was a date from OkCupid who lives in San Diego, and all we did was hands. However, my thoughts turned to the pictures I posted on Facebook of the San Diego crew, which included Wes. Perhaps Eric thought I was dating Wes, and was cheating on him? Or maybe he's just very prudish when it comes to these things (and here I thought I was, haha).

In any case, we continued for a bit after the awkward pause, but then suddenly Eric got up and said, "Sorry to cut it short, but I get up at 6 in the morning." He dressed, gave me a kiss, and left. I never believed for a second that it wasn't about the revelation about me having fooled around with someone in SD.

My suspicions have been all but confirmed by the fact that Eric is no longer texting me. Now that we are Facebook friends though, I see that he is a little . . . strange. And after talking with Wes about it in more detail, it seems that Eric really does have a track record of being flaky.

I have no regrets about giving him another chance. I got better closure this time, and can now confidently say that he is just not right for me.

Meanwhile, I have made plans to meet up with San Diego guy again after the Thanksgiving Holiday. Let's christen him. I'll call him Ron. Because he currently has a beard and is from San Diego. Just like Ron Burgundy. :-P

Weekend by the beach

Ok, let's see if I can bust out the San Diego story before I fall asleep, haha.

Basically, it was a crazy weekend. YouTube Guy (I'm gonna have to give him a proper pseudonym one of these days haha), his boyfriend, Wes and I drove down to San Diego together. Nina was renting a beach house for the long Veterans Day weekend. Also in attendance were my buddy Walter and several others. Walter was the only straight guy. This held true even on Saturday night when a bunch of Nina's friends joined us. This introduced two guys who I later learned were bisexual. One was a super tall (6'6!), blue-eyed hunk of a man from Minnesota. The other was a really cute Indian guy (who I later was told is half Italian...yowza). Man, if I had known that night they were bi...I probably would have had more to drink, lol.

Out of all of us, Nina was definitely the craziest party animal. It seems every time someone new came over she had to run away and put on clothes. She's . . . a free spirit, that one. She made it her mission to make out with this one girl. She did, but while black out drunk so she didn't even remember meeting her the next day.

It was great seeing YouTube Guy and his boyfriend so soon after they visited before. They have really become close friends and have been helping me try to put my personal life back together. And not just by pressuring me to buy Andrew Christian. Speaking of which, the tall guy was dared to put YTG's boyfriend's pair on. He wore them quite well, haha.

Sunday YouTube Guy, his boyfriend and Wes all had to leave. Nina offered to drive me home if I stayed through Monday so I bid them farewell. Sunday was an interesting day. I had intended to rent a bike, but instead napped a lot. I ate dinner with Nina, during which I spoke to her about my dating woes and my progress moving on. She revealed that Wes had spoken to her and admitted he was confused about why I invited him along. This made me feel guilty. For me it had been a no brainer. He was friends with the group now and he had been at Nina's party the weekend before when we were discussing the trip. It felt natural to invite him since we had been encouraged to invite whoever we wanted. I realized things still aren't totally resolved with him...but after talking to him again last night I think they're headed in the right direction. Nina tried to tell me I should give dating him another chance since he might help heal my still wounded heart. I couldn't do that if the attraction wasn't right though. If I am to compromise on attraction, then why even seek to date guys in the first place? I can't use someone and risk hurting them just to help me with my own issues. That would make me quite the hypocrite.

Anyways, on to the good stuff. Three nights in a row of decidedly gay activities.

Sunday:

Nina, the cute Indian/Italian guy and I came back to Nina's beach house after we went to play board games with her friends. The guy being a bisexual with a serious girlfriend, Nina and I definitely got cozy without pushing the boundaries too far. I already knew that the guy had told Nina I was cute, and in my tipsy state I was a bit emboldened. Imagine the scene: The guy sitting on the couch, me laying with my head in his lap, and Nina standing in front of both of us completely naked. We carried on a conversation like this. Craziness. Much respect to that guy! Although apparently he did say that if he'd been single he would have totally loved to fool around with us.

Monday: I had a date lined up from online. It went REALLY well. We had lunch and talked. From there we moved on to Balboa Park where I went for the kiss as we walked through a cactus garden. From there we went back to the beach house where we cuddled for a while, had dinner, and watched TV. And then this guy became the third guy I've done things with in the bedroom (it was so nice having such a big bedroom!) It was only hand jobs (this was the first date after all), but it was nice. And I even impressed the guy with my . . . projectile range haha. After that we showered together. Nina texted me offering to drive me back early the next morning before work, which meant my guy could spend the night. In the end the date went from noon one day to 5 am the next morning. I'd call that a success!

Since then we've talked about meeting up again. Now, there is quite a distance between us...but I'm just looking forward to seeing him again and seeing where it goes. No expectations.

Tuesday:

The next morning after my guy left I was treated to the most beautiful sunrise over the water. I wish he had been able to stick around slightly longer to enjoy it with me. In any case, I took tons of pictures then Nina drove me home.

At this point dear readers I need to go, but the story is not over! Tuesday night I had a date with someone from the past...a few months ago that is. I'm still scratching my head over what went down that night. To be continued!

Unfriend

I've fallen behind on this blog! So much to tell about a recent weekend in a beach house that my friend rented. No time for those stories now though. Teaser: it culminated in a bedroom experience with the third guy I've done things with. Then number four was the very next day. Shut up...don't judge.

For now, I'll just say that today I finally took a step that was long overdue. I defriended Ben on Facebook. The main recent catalyst: He changed his profile pic to him and Daniel Newguy. I wasn't following his updates and haven't been to his page in months, but the pic came up when I was searching for someone with a similar name. I don't need to see that. Plus, he stopped liking my posts months ago and I haven't liked anything of his since he kicked me to the curb. So basically us being Facebook friends at this point is pointless. It's just a placeholder for a friendship that may never happen. If it does, he'll have to come to me. I did my part. I reached out oh so long ago and he was rude and condescending to me. All he had to offer was a conditional, one-sided friendship. The way I remember it, it brings to mind Invasion of the Body Snatchers. The caring, generous guy I had fallen in love with had been replaced by a cold, emotionless pod person that could look back at the memories of the ten months we'd known each other and feel nothing. 

Wes said something to me today at the gym which struck a nerve. I know he's still a little bitter about what happened between us. He said, in support of me unfriending Ben, "Ben ruined you for all the guys you would date after." Kinda messed up and I called him out on it, but it rang a bit true. I still feel so emotionally scarred from the experience, and I know it has left me with serious dating hang ups.

So, the unfriending is my way of symbolically throwing up my hands and leaving Ben's status in my life to fate, and to him. It is time for me to stop holding the friendship train for him. Either he sees the value of having me in his life someday or he doesn't. If he does he knows where to find me, if he doesn't, then good riddance. I won't be the one to convince him.

Ups and downs

Time for an update.

Things are still up and down. The week before last I had quite a great week, despite the fact that I was a little under the weather with a sore throat half the time. I went to West Hollywood for Wes's birthday, which was fun. We are becoming pretty good friends. I'm sure he'd still be interested in dating me, but I'm just not in the right place for that. I'm keeping an open mind, but I realize I do need to trust my gut.

Monday I had sushi with a couple that I know through the LGBT social group. It was a lot of fun. They're both super nice. Tuesday I went to my very first drag show at a bar in Long Beach with a guy I met on Grindr. Nice guy, but he's definitely one of those mixed messages types. He told a friend of his at the bar that we weren't on a "date," just a "hang out." But then we ended the night making out. He started to get a little more frisky than I'm comfortable with on a first date so I told him I take things I little slower than that. He seemed understanding, though a little disappointed. Since then he has been less communicative, but still texts me randomly. He has not proposed another meet up, and did not respond when I did. So frustrating. I randomly ran into him at a bar, which was a little awkward. He was friendly, but it may have just been an act. I've backed off, but still he'll randomly text me to ask how my day's going. Blah.

Anyways, despite that bit of frustration the rest of the week was good. YouTube Guy and his boyfriend came to town and stayed with me for three nights. This was only the second time I've seen them in person (the first being the San Francisco trip in September 2012). They were a blast. I got a lot closer with them, and they gave me a lot of dating advice. I feel like they sort of think of me as a project. They even pressured me into buying a pair of Andrew Christian underwear in WeHo, lol. I took them and some other friends (including Wes) to my improv troupe's Halloween show. It was a great time. Afterward we went to a local gay bar (where I ran into Mr. Mixed Messages) and then back to my place. Nina, her boyfriend and Wes all were there too. It was so nice having so many friends over. I really felt the love :)

After the fantastic visit from YouTube Guy and his bf, last week was a bit of a letdown. Wednesday especially was hard. I was just about as depressed as I've ever felt. I thought about Ben all day long. I still miss that fucker so much. I think my frustrating experiences with dating since then have also contributed. Promising prospects go nowhere. Guys that seem like a good match stop responding. Guys that are into me don't do it for me. And every time my prospects dwindle I once again start wondering about dating girls, just to try it. Then I find myself checking out guys and wonder how exactly dating girls would improve things.

I spoke to my mom on the phone that day. I told her about how, even after more than nine months, I still can't get Ben out of my head. She admitted that she has a hard time understanding it. She said that she has experienced break ups before, but never took it this hard. I asked her if the guy she lost had been the best friend she'd ever had. She said no. I responded, "That's how I felt about Ben." I think she was able to empathize a little more after that.

Hanging out with friends later in the week helped to improve my mood. I had dinner with Janice and went to the gym with Wes. Improv practice was a fun bonding experience since in honor of Halloween people were allowed to drink (drunk people doing improv is a whole new level of hilarity). I was invited by Nina to spend the weekend in San Diego with her and a bunch of friends next weekend.

Meanwhile I constantly try to think of new ways to help me get over Ben. I remind myself that he has serious emotional and intimacy issues, that it was not my fault. I tell myself that it was him, not me, that failed. The relationship was an amazing experience for me, and if he was unable to take the same joy from it as I did and approach it with the same level of optimism, then that's his loss. Despite my difficulties finding other people I click with as well, I try to reassure myself that there is someone out there. Someone with the emotional maturity to give a relationship the respect and effort it deserves. Someone who is able to recognize a good thing when they have it and not always be checking out the grass on the other side of the fence. Someone who is not intimidated by expressions of love and affection. Someone who doesn't just talk about the importance of communication and honesty, but actually practices what they preach.

I do feel I'm making progress though, despite periodic setbacks. Just the other night I had a dream in which I was in Ben's house (although it resembled my childhood home). However, the dream revolved around his roommate rather than him. His only appearance in the dream was when I walked by his room to see him laying in bed. Rather than approach him, I turned my back and kept walking. Perhaps the meaning of the dream is this: I can't expect to expunge Ben completely from my mind. However, that doesn't mean I can't choose not to dwell on it. I'm working on it.

Unfortunately last night I had a dream that we were back together. Oh well.

The story of Wes

Once again it's been quite a while since I updated. I had quite the difficult decision to make recently.

Things continued to progress with Wes since the last entry. However, I continued to be on the fence about him. Despite the fact that I greatly appreciated his affection and communicativeness, I just couldn't get excited about him. On the physical side of things, he was prematurely bald and had a bit of an overbite, though his smile was nice. On the chemistry side of things I just didn't feel the kind of intellectual compatibility that I had felt with Ben.

Part of me really wanted to continue on with him. He was very into me. He would constantly compliment me, saying how adorable I was. He told me he hadn't felt this way about a guy in a long time. He was super patient, knowing full well I had had my heart broken and was a bit gun shy about getting serious. We did a bunch of things together, including going hiking, going to the movies, and going to the gym. He and his friend (the one that encouraged us to kiss in WeHo) even came down and attended one of my troupe's improv shows with me.

There were several factors that pressured me to make a decision about Wes before things went on much longer. First, his birthday was coming up in a few weeks. I did not want to let him go too close to his special day, nor did I want to feel like I was leading him on when the day came. Second, I continued to want to see other people. When I was dating Ben, I lost the desire to date anyone else because I liked him so much. With Wes, I kept hoping that I would meet someone who would give me a reason to break things off with him. A month after we had first gone out (last Monday), I went out with a new guy and had a really good time. We seemed to have a lot in common, the physical attraction was better, and we seemed to be more on the same wavelength in some ways. Third, I was very worried about doing to Wes what Ben had done to me. I did not want to lead him on, make him think that my feelings were stronger than they really were. If I wasn't feeling it, it was important for me to be honest sooner rather than later.

Tuesday was the latest dinner for the LGBT social group. I invited Wes to come along, as well as my old friend Jake the Australian. Throughout the dinner Wes would reach over and rub my arm as he liked to do. Though I appreciated the gesture, each time he did it made me feel more guilty. When Wes went to the bathroom Jake asked me whether we were dating. My hesitation before responding spoke volumes. I told Jake about how I was worried I was holding out for the same feeling I had felt with Ben. Jake has been going through something similar. Last time we talked we discussed how hard it is to recapture the feeling of one's first love.

I had talked to several other people about it, including my mom, my cousins, friends, and my therapist. Finally I decided I needed to come clean. I had been honest with Wes about how I was taking things slow, but now it was time to be honest that I simply wasn't feeling the same as he was. After the dinner he gave me a ride to my car and I asked him if we could just be friends for now. He was disappointed and a bit confused, but he agreed. Since then he has told me I am still welcome to attend his birthday outing, so that's good.

Since then I have been second guessing myself of course. Even though I don't feel like I led him on, and certainly didn't date him for eight months before being honest, I still feel like I pulled a Ben, like I threw away something good to hold out for some possibly unattainable ideal. One positive thing that has come of this though . . . a lot of my anger toward Ben has faded now that I have been in his shoes. I recognize that letting someone go who is very into you is not easy. I can't imagine how hard it must have been for him, since we had been together much longer and were much more serious.

As for the guy from last week, I went out with him again yesterday to see a movie. I enjoyed his company, but the conversation seemed just a little bit more strained this time. I texted him earlier to see if he wants to hang out again this week, but no response yet.

My mood is still fairly good. I've taken to snapping my wrist with a rubber band whenever I start thinking about Ben at work. I also am keeping a gratitude journal and using a website called Happify which has exercises designed to improve the quality of your life. I am constantly on the look out for new ways to appreciate what I have and not get down about having lost Ben.

So if anyone has any further ideas, I'd love to hear them!

Things are looking up

Been a while! It has been a busy month.

First off, I'm happy to report that I feel a lot better than I did last month, especially over the last couple of weeks. It has been just about eight months since my break-up (almost as long as we were together), and I FINALLY feel like I'm making progress in getting over it. Not to say that I no longer think about Ben every day. I do. And I still get into sad moods about it and miss him. But, I'm getting a lot better at avoiding dwelling on the good times, and instead focusing on why it didn't work out (namely, his emotional issues and avoidant attachment style). I'm also trying to put less pressure on myself to move on. Before I was giving myself a hard time whenever I thought of him. I'm trying to cut myself some slack now. No matter what Brody said way back in May, it is NOT abnormal the way I've felt towards Ben. I am accepting that I will always have a place in my heart for him and will feel love for him, and that's fine. Nothing to beat myself up over. Overall I'm in better spirits.

I'm also feeling better because I have prospects again. I've been going out with a guy that I met on Grindr of all places. Though I admit the physical attraction could be better (though he does have a great smile), we really seem to be emotionally on the same wavelength. I met up with him and his friends in West Hollywood last night. He really impressed me, and upon some egging on from his friend I ended up going in for a kiss. After that the door was opened and we spent the rest of the night kissing, hugging, holding hands, etc. It was fun, and it made me think of the time I tried to give Ben a kiss in a gay bar and he wasn't comfortable with it. Once again I'm worried about having moved too fast (though at least it wasn't the first date this time). I am a little paranoid about leading someone on and doing to them what Ben did to me. I know not to necessarily expect instant attraction like I felt for Ben, but it's hard not to want to hold out for that since I've experienced it before. I'll be meeting up with the guy on Tuesday. I plan on having a conversation about how I'm not quite ready to get serious yet, but I do want to keep seeing him and getting to know him. I shall dub him Wes.

I decided that I just want to be friends with Jared. He's a little too introverted, a little too feminine, and the herpes thing is stress I don't need. He is a cool guy though. He came along on a hike today. Also along for the ride was Sam, my break up buddy. He is really a sweet guy. I do have some feelings for him, but not sure I'm interested in dating him at this point. I am enjoying our friendship though.

I also went on a date with a new guy last week who is very attractive and has beautiful eyes. We'll be going out again this week hopefully, so we'll see how that goes.

An interesting development: Nick (the grad student that dropped off the face of the Earth) texted me a few weeks ago. He apologized for never responding and asked if I wanted to meet up to grab a beer. We met up last week. Damn is he cute! And I had a great time with him too. But that disappearing act has "avoidant" written all over it. That and he smokes, which is a major turn off. I do want to still hang with him though. I just know better than to pursue a relationship with him. Mixed signals are a red flag that I am paying attention to from now on. I don't need Ben 2.0.

Since I have a number of prospects and have been having positive dating experiences recently, the dating girls idea has been put on the back burner. Honestly I'm probably better off sticking to guys but I will remain open minded. You never know.

In other news, I am obsessed with Steve Grand. He is the openly gay male country singer (though he doesn't actually agree with the "country" label) whose videos went viral over the summer. He only has two songs but they are hugely catchy and sung from a gay perspective. The first two videos below are his songs.

Also, in West Hollywood the other night I spotted the Andrew Christian models Colby Melvin and Brandon Brown! I was a little star struck, haha. They are a couple and are adorable. Check out the third video below.

Roller coaster of love

Guess I will continue the recent trend of writing a post while I'm in a relative good mood, haha. Just to mix it up from the way I usually do it.

This last week was really tough, one of the toughest in a while. Which exemplifies the roller coaster I've been on. Not tough in the sense that it was hectic or anything. Just mentally tough. I was plagued by depression and anxiety . . . the kind of anxiety that is with you the second you open your eyes in the morning. The sexuality doubts have weighed on me heavily. I have seriously been considering ways that I can get out and try going on dates with women, just to check that off the list and see how I feel. I came across a Meet Up group in LA that organizes "practice dates" for people who want to gain dating experience in a more laid back atmosphere. I'm thinking of looking at that. Once I found out about that some of my anxiety lifted. Another thing that helped was reading polls on the internet about girls and their willingness to date bi guys. There seems to be a fair number of girls out there who don't have a problem with it.

The fact that these two things (the practice dating group and the idea of dating girls not necessarily being a lost cause if you've dated guys) helped lift my mood made me realize a large part of what gets me down: lack of hope. When I feel like things are hopeless I get overwhelmed. When I go months without finding a guy that attracts me a fraction of the amount that Ben did, I get discouraged and start to peek enviously at the greener grass that is the larger heterosexual dating pool. I did a very OCD thing at the height of my worrying: I made a document in which I listed all of the prominent crushes I can remember having in my life, both girls and guys. Both totaled in the 20s, with guys having a slide edge. Then I listed the most prominent characteristics I remembered about each person, to see if one sex or the other really gave me more of an emotional feeling. Generally guys did more, especially if I factor in Lance and Ben, the only two people I can honestly say I've had feelings of love for. But some of the girls had fairly strong feelings too.

My reasoning is, since I am primarily driven by emotional attraction and not at all driven by sexual attraction, it seems like if I found the right girl I could theoretically develop strong feelings just like I did with Ben. It just seems like I would only benefit from increasing the number of prospective partners since I just don't seem all that attracted to most guys I go out with.

Also, my older cousin Gavin got engaged. His fiance, whom I still haven't met, is a fashion model that he met online. I think I partially inspired him to try online dating after my "success." I am happy for him, but I can't help but be a bit jealous.

When I felt like I was at rock bottom I opened up to my mom over the phone. She hasn't always been the most understanding when I talk about my issues, but lately she has had a lot of patience and I greatly appreciate that. She has tried to cheer me up, and instead of doing what many mothers might do and strongly encourage me to date girls, she has instead softly encouraged me to try while also cautioning me to stay true to myself. She really does want what's best for me and my happiness, even if she acknowledges it would be a lot easier for her to be open about my dating life with friends in the Midwest (gossip that she is) if I were dating girls.

As for Jared, I have been continuing to see him. He is definitely the best guy I've dated so far since Ben. He is attractive, smart, affectionate, communicative, straight-forward, and logical. But I remain on the fence with him. We've made out, and last time I saw him I went over to his place and cuddled. However, he's quite feminine, and I don't find that very attractive. Also there's just something missing. I don't have that excited feeling to see him again that I had with Ben from pretty much the very beginning. I'm wondering if I've moved too fast, since we kissed at the first date and started cuddling from the second date on.

The other major problem with Jared . . . he confided in me that he has herpes. He pegged me as the type that might shy away from dating someone who's infected. He has a lot more sexual experiences than I have. Frankly the way I feel is that if I was REALLY into a guy it might be worth the risk since with proper protection you decrease your risk of catching it. But since the other factors have me on the fence, I'm even more unsure.

For now I think I will just try to slow things down. He knows I'm not sure about proceeding, and he has expressed interest in just being friends if I am uncomfortable continuing to date him.

Meanwhile I've been corresponding with a friend of mine, the young law student whom I recently have been advising on getting through his breakup. We hung out a bit last weekend, and since then we've been talking by text every day. I had pretty much friend zoned him, and told him about EVERYTHING that's been bothering me, down to my considering going on dates with girls to broaden my options. Despite this, he has asked if I might want to go on a date sometime down the road once we have both healed more and if things don't work out with Jared or girls. I was so flattered. He is really a super sweet guy. Great sense of humor, good conversationalist, friendly and kind of cute. And I know from our conversations that we are emotionally on the same wavelength as far as our attachment styles go. So, that's on the backburner. He lives quite far away, but you never know. I'll give him a name. He shall be called Sam.

Busy three day weekend ahead. Lunch date tomorrow with a new guy that seems pretty nice. I met him on Grindr and it seems we have a lot in common. Also looks to have a pretty nice body. He cancelled on me once but has been decent about rescheduling so I don't think I have another Eric on my hands. We'll see how it goes. Then in the afternoon is a yoga class with the LGBT social group.

The improv troupe is going well. I made a tough decision this week. I'm trying to take a very impacted class at a local community college for a possible masters program I might apply to. But the scheduling came down to either the class or improv. I chose improv. I know the class may have been the better choice careerwise, but there's always next semester. And the improv troupe is the best thing that has happened to me in a while. It's an opportunity I do not wish to pass up. It has been the highlight of my week, the thing that lifts me up when I'm feeling down. I'm not in a hurry to throw it away.