Another milestone reached. My very first sexual experience.
Now, hopefully you all won't be too disappointed but I'm a bit too modest to share the details of an intimate experience with someone I care about. Sorry . . . haha.
What I will say is that Ben is an amazingly considerate, patient, and communicative guy, and my first time couldn't have been more comfortable. The idea of a one-night stand now really seems crazy to me. I don't know how I could have done it had it not been with someone that I knew well and trusted.
The rest of Memorial Day before that was great too. It had been nearly two weeks since I last saw Ben, so it was great to pick him up at the airport and go to lunch. We ate at the Farmer's Market in Los Angeles, which is full of great food. After eating we walked around and even made some public displays of affection. We sat in the grass, me leaned up against him, and later we walked a bit holding hands. That made me a bit too self-conscious, I couldn't keep it up for very long. Stupid society. Then we spent several hours back at his place just lounging around, talking and cuddling. We met up with my cousin, who was the first member of my family that Ben has met. This morning after we got (some) sleep, Ben ran over to the store to get food while I was in the shower, then he made me breakfast while I was getting ready for work. He's soooo sweet . . . :-)
Today after I left Ben's and went to work I was feeling a bit . . . confused. I felt like I should be a lot more happy, even euphoric, than I was feeling. I went to the counselor today and shared my concerns, and she suggested something interesting. In the span of two short weeks I took the MCAT, came out to my father, and had my first sexual experience. All three are things that I've been building up to for a long, long time. According to her, it's no surprise that I feel a bit of a let down after accomplishing so many goals in so short a time. Now it's, "what next?" Looks like I need to make me some new goals, haha. Spending next weekend with Ben sounds like a good start.
I'm back at my parents' house in the Midwest after a week-long road trip through Tennessee. The sightseeing was a lot of fun, especially because I got both of my stresses out of the way beforehand.
I took the MCAT last Saturday. It was really tough, and I don't get to find out how I did until mid-June. I think I did okay, but I'm not sure I reached my target score that would bolster my chances of getting in where I want (namely, California). Oh well, it's done so I'm not going to worry about it.
As for coming out to my dad, I had initially planned to do it at the end of the road trip. In typical fashion for me, I was putting others before myself and not wanting to "ruin" the road trip for him by doing it before. At some point, however, I realized I was being a little over-dramatic, and what would happen instead is that I would be affecting my own enjoyment of the road trip by waiting. I didn't want that cloud hanging over me when I was supposed to be enjoying my time with my parents, so I resolved to do it before we left. Finally an opportunity arose: my mom went to the store (and not so subtly hinted that it would be a good time to do it), leaving me home alone with my dad. Once I pulled his attention away from TV, I set into a long, somewhat awkward story about my progress as a person over the last couple years. My confidence issues, my career indecision, and finally my sexuality confusion, leading up to the revelation that I had been dating guys and was seeing one seriously.
The reaction: he took it pretty well. Very calmly. After my admission we got into a brief discussion about conservatism vs. liberalism, which led to him basically saying that when it comes to social issues such as homosexuality he is a bit more liberal (of course I had to use the L word, he'd never use such a dirty word to describe himself in any way, haha). Of course he still isn't for gay marriage, but it's basically just the word "marriage" that he's stuck on. Anyways, basically we had the conversation and it went alright. His main issue was that he felt like I hadn't tried dating girls enough to know for sure that it wasn't for me. I had trouble responding to that because, well, it's true. I've only really been on one date with a girl. It took me a while to come up with a response: "Well, I think the reason I didn't date more girls, besides lack of self-confidence at the time, was simply lack of interest." In any case, he's not going to pressure me to date girls or anything, it was just a concern of his. Even after the conversation ended though, I was still uneasy. I felt like something was missing.
My dad's not the best communicator, so if you want something from him you really have to ask for it. He won't volunteer much of anything that isn't a diatribe about Obama or a joke. So later, after I realized what had been missing from our previous discussion, I got him alone and asked him: "Dad, if I find a relationship, guy or girl, that makes me happy . . . where would you stand?" His response: "With you, of course. We both want you to be happy." That was it. That's what I wanted to hear.
Everything being out in the open with both of my parents was extremely liberating. I ended up talking with Ben on the phone every night during the trip, often in plain sight of my parents (the one time I tried to get some privacy by talking in the truck led to me accidentally setting off the truck's horn alarm at midnight in a campground we were staying at . . . uhh oops). I was even able to Skype with him several times using my mom's IPad. It was great sharing my travel experiences with him as they progressed, and hearing about how things are with him back home in CA. We had a number of really good conversations. During one of them, I came clean about pretty much everything that I hadn't been forthright with before: including my past concerns about sex drive, the T gel I'd been using (he's going to smell it sooner or later, though I've been refraining use of it on days when I'm with him), and even this blog. He knew before that I had used blogging to come to terms with my sexuality, but he didn't know until now that I still actively blog (and talk about him). He was cool with it, and with everything else. I assured him that everything I've written about him has been positive :-) Who knows, maybe I'll let him read it someday.
I just talked to him a little while ago, he is currently on a plane bound for the east coast, to return in a couple days. I will pick him up at the airport on Memorial Day, and I can't wait. We are both definitely in the infatuation stage of our relationship, haha.
I've selected this entry's song for several reasons:
1. I've just been through Nashville and Memphis, so I wanted something a little country rockish.
2. "Peaceful easy feeling" pretty much describes my state of mind right now.
3. The Eagles are sort of "the band" for Ben and me. We saw an Eagles tribute band together recently, and he has said that all of their songs now remind him of me :-)
Originally, I was expecting 3 weeks to pass without seeing Ben, since I'm flying out tomorrow and won't be returning until the day before Memorial Day. I figured I wouldn't be seeing him again until the weekend after that. However, we've found ways to cut the time down a bit.
First, it turns out that he returns from his trip back east early on Memorial Day, so I offered to pick him up from the airport and spend the rest of the day with him. He enthusiastically accepted.
Then he called me at work today and asked if I had plans for dinner tonight. I was instantly super excited, but informed him that I actually had made plans with some friends (Tom and Philip). He was reluctant to cause me to change my plans, but since my friends have been looking forward to meeting him I decided to check with them to see if it'd be okay if he joined us. They were of course cool with it. So he drove down and met me at my place. He came to the front door when I was in my room changing, so he ended up meeting my roommate. I haven't told her about me yet, so I wonder if she had any suspicions (especially when he disappeared around the corner to kiss me as I came out of my room, haha).
We drove to meet my friends, and I became adept at driving with one hand on the steering wheel and one arm wrapped around him :-) I still need two hands to park though, so I'd always have to say "parking" so he'd let me go. While waiting for Tom and Philip to show up we sat next to each other on a bench. There was a security guard nearby that no doubt noticed Ben's arm around my neck, not to mention how close we were sitting. Soon the guard had wandered out of sight. I definitely am a little self-conscious of PDA, but I guess you kind of have to be in many places.
Dinner was great. Ben got along with Tom and Philip real well. He was excited to meet some of my friends since I had met a lot of his friends at karaoke several weeks ago. I think they liked him too. We ordered two entrees and shared them, and sat real close the whole time. Half the time we were holding hands under the table. It was great. I wasn't too self conscious since it was mostly college students eating in that place. After dinner he had to return home because he works early in the morning. It was so hard to let him go! We made out a bit in the car, traded compliments and flirtations, and then he left. But now it's only about a week and a half before I see him again, instead of 3 weeks!
I admit, there were times during this past week when the old doubts came creeping in, intensified by the reality of what I'm doing. Thinking about my upcoming conversation with my dad and attending the wedding over the weekend made me think again, "couldn't I make it work with a girl, how do I know if I don't try?"
But Ben is amazing. I love spending time with him, talking to him, learning about him. I enjoy holding him, touching him, kissing him. He's really an amazing catch in soooo many ways. I just need to fully come to terms with being gay. One thing's for sure though . . . it's a lot easier when he's around. I was worried about showing affection in front of my friends and whether I'd be comfortable with it, but once Ben was there I could barely keep my hands off of him, haha.
I've got two big challenges coming up in the next week and a half: the TEST and telling my DAD. So next time I write in this blog I'm sure I'll have much to talk about. Let's hope it's good things.
It's been a little more than a week now since my relationship with Ben had its big upgrade. Since that time we've talked and texted every day. Since I'll be out of town for the next two weekends, we had made plans to meet up Saturday morning for a few hours, before I had to go off to a wedding.
Friday rolls around and I start thinking . . . you know, why don't I just head up to Ben's house tonight after I pick my mom up from the airport and she goes back to her hotel? So that's what I did. We spent the night cuddled on the couch watching TV, then continued the cuddle fest in his bed :-) And I experienced my very first make out session . . . that's fun.
Saturday morning we slept in and talked a bunch, then decided to go to the store for breakfast supplies. Then, to the sound of 90's alternative rock (Hello Third Eye Blind!) we cooked breakfast. He made scrambled eggs (with mushrooms) while I cooked the bacon, which I actually hadn't done before. It all turned out awesome! It was a beautiful day, so we ate outside in his backyard, along with his roommate. It was so hard to leave for the wedding!
Today was Mother's Day, and since my mom came into town for the wedding she was able to spend it with my sisters and me. I, unfortunately, spent much of the day studying for the big test next week. I still don't feel like I'm quite prepared enough for it. I must say, dating definitely was a distraction this past couple months. But I don't regret it at all. It brought Ben into my life, which has really been great. I've had so much fun with him these past two months that I've known him. Tonight I talked to him on Skype, which was very nice. I will definitely make use of that during my trip to the Midwest.
When I'm with Ben, things are awesome. I love talking to him, being around him, and holding him. When I'm not I must admit it kind of hits me what I'm doing. Things are out of the hypothetical now. I'm a gay guy doing gay things. The implications are far-reaching. First up . . . telling my father. Oh boy.
Thanks again for all of the comments on the last entry guys, it really means a lot. I still can't believe my weekend, it's so surreal.
I just talked to Ben on the phone for an hour and a half. Among many things we talked about the weekend and clarified some things. We talked a bit more about our feelings and where our minds are at right now. Basically, the plan is to take it slowly and still just focus on spending time together for right now. Unfortunately this weekend is pretty busy, and I'll be out of town for the two weekends after that. I'm going to try to leave enough time on Saturday morning to spend several hours with him, though I have a wedding to attend later in the day. I asked him how he feels about the distance between us (about 45 minutes without traffic . . . but this is So Cal so there's often traffic). He said it was a concern at first, but now he feels it might actually be a good thing. It will force us to pace ourselves a bit.
I also decided to call up the guys I've been seeing to give them the heads up that I just want to be friends right now. There are other people on the sites that I've been talking with for a while that I kind of wanted to meet up with, so I will probably suggest the idea of being friends to them as well and see if they still want to meet up. Right now I'd prefer just to focus on Ben, even though we're not really "boyfriends" yet. My feelings for him would get in the way of developing much for anyone else.
Now as I look at the prospect of potentially entering my very first relationship, I will need to evaluate what role this blog will play. Having another person in the picture changes things, even though this is anonymous. Who knows, maybe some day I'll even let Ben read it. I think what I'll do is I will focus on myself. I'll talk about how I'm feeling and my perspective on things. I won't be saying much about what Ben says or does, out of respect for his privacy.
I think of my relationship with Ben thus far kind of as a multi-act play.
Act I: The first three dates, the "getting to know you" phase. My initial fondness for him, and the crushing disappointment of being relegated to the Friend Zone.
Act II: The friendship. The hike, the karaoke, and Cinco de Mayo. Each time my feelings for him increasing until the moment of truth . . . and the subsequent payoff :-)
Act III: What's going to happen? We'll have to turn the page.
Sometimes all it takes is one night and your world turns upside down (in a good way!)
Yesterday was Cinco de Mayo, and incidentally it was the latest planned hang out for Ben and I. All in all it was an amazing day. We went to a live music/food event and an improv show, then went and got drinks afterward and talked for a long time. I offered to let him crash at my place since we got back from the bar quite late. We set up the spare bed and talked some more, then he said it was time that he went to bed. Meanwhile, something was swimming in my mind . . . now's the time . . . show him how you feel . . . make a move . . .
I finally worked up the nerve to do what I had been thinking about. Way back at our second date he had given me a kiss on the cheek, so I decided to return the favor. That way it could be viewed as a sign that I still have feelings for him, and if the feelings weren't returned I could just write it off as giving closure to that part of our relationship. I gave him a big hug and a kiss on the cheek. Afterward, I hung around for a while rather awkwardly, not wanting the moment to end but not knowing what to do next. Finally I figured I'd done what I had set out to do and decided to leave him and go to bed. I went into the bathroom to brush my teeth.
When I came out I went to my bedroom door, but hesitated. I called out, telling him to let me know if he needed anything. He responded, "B, let's talk."
So we talked. I spilled my guts, telling him about the other dates I'd been on and how none of them even came close to measuring up to the way I felt about him. I told him about how every time I hang out with him I end up liking him more.
Up until this point the big wonder on my mind had been how HE felt, and whether anything had changed since the "Friend Zone" talk.
It turns out things HAD changed. Apparently in the times since then I have shown sides of my personality that didn't quite come through during the initial couple of meet ups. From what I gathered, he did have some kind of feelings for me, he just wasn't sure exactly what they were yet.
After we talked we lay there in silence for a couple awkward moments. I could tell from the look on his face that he knew what I was thinking. After hemming and hawing to myself for a bit I finally said, "Ah screw it," and went in for a kiss. My first kiss with a guy. I need more practice :-P
The spare bed ended up not being used last night. We kept things casual, neither of us want to move things too fast. But the intimacy barrier that I spoke of previously has definitely been broken for me. By the morning I was definitely comfortable kissing him, touching him, cuddling, all that good stuff. And I felt so . . . relaxed! Admittedly I didn't get much sleep as I'm not used to sharing a bed with someone, but I didn't care. It was a great feeling to have someone there that I care about, and to be able to hold him and whisper to him.
He left this morning after we laid in bed for a little while talking. Next weekend is my last before I'm out of town for a week and a half, so we're talking about meeting up again. No definition yet as to what we have going on between us, but that's OK for now. All I know is I had a great day, night, and morning, and so did Ben.
This post titled in honor of "The Avengers" and its song, "Live to Rise," the first new song by Soundgarden since the mid-90s!!
I suppose it should also mean something . . . . perhaps my attempts to change my outlook on life and rise to new opportunities and challenges? Sure, that works.
I just got back from seeing "The Avengers," and it was really good. Any movie that has both Chris Hemsworth and Chris Evans in it has got to be though, haha. Just add Chris Pine and you'd have a triple threat of Hot Chris.
My three friends I went to see it with were Tom, Rick, and Philip, all of whom I have mentioned previously. They are the three close straight male friends that know about me. This is the first time I have hung out with all three of them since my secret was revealed. It was mostly like old times. Them talking about girls, me zoning out, haha. At one point Tom asked me about the movie and how I liked Chris Hemsworth in it. I said both were good. It kind of felt weird though. This was the first time I really felt like "the gay one." Because that's pretty much what I am now. Even though I didn't come out to anyone as saying "I'm gay" (rather "I'm figuring things out" or "I'm dating guys" or something along those lines) it's pretty apparent what the consensus is. Which makes me the one who still can't seem to come to terms enough to just identify that way. So afraid to close a door.
Meanwhile I'm feeling conflicted about the dating I'm doing. There's at least two guys who are into me and want to meet up again (including the one from Monday who emails me every day even though we've met just once so far, which makes me a little leery). However, I can't seem to get my mind off of Ben, and it makes it hard to maintain interest in anyone else. He's coming to town tomorrow to hang out, and I'm looking forward to it, but at the same time I'm trying to figure out what my next step should be.
On the one hand, there's the "go with the flow" advice that has largely come from you guys (and thanks again for all the advice).
On the other hand, there's my friend Janice, who suggested that if I stay in the Friend Zone for too much longer there may be no escaping it. She figures Ben should know by now whether he's interested in me or not, so I should make a move or risk losing the possibility of a romantic relationship.
That and a certain career-related step approaching in two weeks (alright, it's the MCAT, I signed up to take the MCAT) mean the pressure's starting to cook again.
I guess I'll just go with the flow tomorrow and look for any signs. If the right moment comes, it will come. This may be the last time I see Ben for nearly a month though. I'm taking the test in the Midwest and then going on a roadtrip with my parents, not to return until the end of the month.
