I have a secret. I'm pretty sure my mom knows what it is. And my dad suspects it, but he wouldn't want to hear it from me. My conservative uncle and aunt would probably throw a fit if they knew. Yeah, my whole conservative Republican family would probably disown me if word got out.
Any guesses?
Yep, I voted for Obama.
I tend to think of myself as a moderate. I like to try to see things from both sides, to try to figure out who would be the best choice, and not because I'm blindly following one ideology or another. After much deliberation, I settled on Obama. Plus, being a moderate, my ideal situation is to have the power switch between the parties. Too long with one party being in power tips the scale too far, at least that's the way I see it currently. The Republicans have had their time. Now I want to see what a Democrat president will do with the country. And if the result is disappointing . . . well, then there's always 2012.
Election time has crept up on me. I wanted to go into this feeling super-informed. I wanted to have read both Obama and McCain's books and researched all the propositions. What can I say, I feel guilty when I vote uninformed. Well, I didn't have time to read the books, but I did read up quite a bit on the propositions thanks to a nifty site I found called ballotpedia.org. Basically like wikipedia, except for ballot initiatives. Not just California, either. It has summaries of the propositions, arguments for and against, lists of supporters and opponents, and links to info sites. If only all propositions were one sentence long. That's the good thing about 8, I guess. Short and to the point.
Kind of scary how topics that absolutely bored me before are now fascinating me. Like politics. And history. I feel like a lot of subjects are forced on us at an age where a lot of us are too young and/or immature to appreciate them. I seem to have a thirst for knowledge, I think I've been out of school too long. And yet look what I've done, prolonged the gap before grad school. At least this will give me time to try to learn about a broad range of subjects before my life becomes consumed by one specific one.
And now the ramble ends. Good night.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Hanging in there
The impulses to blog are few and far between these days. So much easier to just try to ignore things. Thanks for the comments, good to know I can disappear off the face of the earth and come back and people are still around :-)
So, I talked to my mom about it again. Way more awkward this time. To the point where I even regretted bringing it up. Now, I'm still not comfortable AT ALL with talking about sexuality issues with people I know. The therapist was one thing, and that was hard enough. So, when I brought it up again with my mom I was talking about it in very vague terms (eg, "So, about the issues I'm going through, that I talked to you about before . . .). So it was a bit unpleasant when she asked me straight up, "Have there been guys that you've been physically attracted to?" I know that's an easy enough question, but it was just so forward and unexpected. I turned into a stuttering fool, muttering something about how my attractions to guys and girls are different. Which is true. She also made it clear that she herself is uncomfortable talking about these things, and she encouraged me to see another counselor, perhaps one that specializes in these things. Maybe that's a possibility, but I just don't know. I don't really feel like throwing money at something that may or may not be all that helpful.
This weekend I went down to San Diego to chill with some friends I hadn't seen in a while. I love feeling like I'm part of a group. Don't really get that too much anymore. Too many of my friends are not friends with each other, either because they don't know each other, or sometimes because they don't like each other. I've always been the kind of person who is able to hang out and get along with different groups of friends, but have never really been a central member of any one group. I should pursue new avenues of meeting people.
While I was down there I also entertained my friends with my guitar playing, and got some compliments, including of the "I had no idea you were that good!" variety. Felt nice. I certainly love to play. One of the greatest forms of stress relief. Any music fans out there who have thought about picking up an instrument, I cannot encourage it enough. You don't have to have rock star intentions. It's great just to be able to play casually. Anyone play anything?
Till next time.
So, I talked to my mom about it again. Way more awkward this time. To the point where I even regretted bringing it up. Now, I'm still not comfortable AT ALL with talking about sexuality issues with people I know. The therapist was one thing, and that was hard enough. So, when I brought it up again with my mom I was talking about it in very vague terms (eg, "So, about the issues I'm going through, that I talked to you about before . . .). So it was a bit unpleasant when she asked me straight up, "Have there been guys that you've been physically attracted to?" I know that's an easy enough question, but it was just so forward and unexpected. I turned into a stuttering fool, muttering something about how my attractions to guys and girls are different. Which is true. She also made it clear that she herself is uncomfortable talking about these things, and she encouraged me to see another counselor, perhaps one that specializes in these things. Maybe that's a possibility, but I just don't know. I don't really feel like throwing money at something that may or may not be all that helpful.
This weekend I went down to San Diego to chill with some friends I hadn't seen in a while. I love feeling like I'm part of a group. Don't really get that too much anymore. Too many of my friends are not friends with each other, either because they don't know each other, or sometimes because they don't like each other. I've always been the kind of person who is able to hang out and get along with different groups of friends, but have never really been a central member of any one group. I should pursue new avenues of meeting people.
While I was down there I also entertained my friends with my guitar playing, and got some compliments, including of the "I had no idea you were that good!" variety. Felt nice. I certainly love to play. One of the greatest forms of stress relief. Any music fans out there who have thought about picking up an instrument, I cannot encourage it enough. You don't have to have rock star intentions. It's great just to be able to play casually. Anyone play anything?
Till next time.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Back so soon?
Hello blog, it's been a while. I bet you thought I had abandoned you, huh? Not quite yet. The issues that were preventing me from having the time/mental resources to deal with this sexuality thing have been resolved, at least for now. I found a new job, which I've been at for a few weeks. Not going super smoothly so far but I'm settling in. I miss my old job, especially the people since I got along so well with them, but I'm sure this one will grow on me. And the pay is better, which is always good. Grad school is now at least two years away (a requirement of the job). Which is probably for the best, since I still wasn't feeling super confident about what program I wanted to apply to.
So now that those pressing issues are off the table, my mind wanders back to what I tend to refer to as "Issue X". The X representing the fact that it's something I'm so uncomfortable with I can barely admit it to myself.
Today I reached a point where I felt pretty confident in saying "Yes, I am bisexual", instead of "I think I may be bisexual." Hard to write off the evidence. I hesitate to go farther and say I'm gay, since I still feel that the potential is there to have feelings for a girl, since it has happened in the past. So now I'll have to consider what my next step should be. I think I need to have another talk with my mom. We still haven't talked about it since the first and only time. I might consider talking to some of my more socially liberal friends at some point. Of course, that's how I feel today, and just like I sometimes waver on the type of grad program I'm gravitating to on any given day, this might just be subject to change. We'll see.
The other day I was home and was discussing the propositions that will be voted on in November, including Prop 8. Yes on 8 will define marriage as being between a man and a woman in the state of California. I went through all the Props to get my mom and dad's opinions on them, to help me decide how I might vote. When we got to that one my dad voted Yes (expected) but my mom said No. Now, I'm not sure whether that had anything to do with our talk earlier in the year opening the possibility of me being gay or bi, but it was nice to hear nonetheless. Means she is a lot more accepting of homosexuality than my dad. He'll be a challenge, should it come to that.
I watched the debate between McCain and Obama earlier (most of it, anyway). Pretty entertaining. Apparently the consensus is that it was a tie, but overall was better for Obama since foreign policy is supposed to be McCain's strong suit. It will be interested to watch Palin vs. Biden next week (assuming I can stand to tape "Supernatural" that is, haha).
Wow, it's late. So much for going to bed early tonight, that never seems to work out. Later.
So now that those pressing issues are off the table, my mind wanders back to what I tend to refer to as "Issue X". The X representing the fact that it's something I'm so uncomfortable with I can barely admit it to myself.
Today I reached a point where I felt pretty confident in saying "Yes, I am bisexual", instead of "I think I may be bisexual." Hard to write off the evidence. I hesitate to go farther and say I'm gay, since I still feel that the potential is there to have feelings for a girl, since it has happened in the past. So now I'll have to consider what my next step should be. I think I need to have another talk with my mom. We still haven't talked about it since the first and only time. I might consider talking to some of my more socially liberal friends at some point. Of course, that's how I feel today, and just like I sometimes waver on the type of grad program I'm gravitating to on any given day, this might just be subject to change. We'll see.
The other day I was home and was discussing the propositions that will be voted on in November, including Prop 8. Yes on 8 will define marriage as being between a man and a woman in the state of California. I went through all the Props to get my mom and dad's opinions on them, to help me decide how I might vote. When we got to that one my dad voted Yes (expected) but my mom said No. Now, I'm not sure whether that had anything to do with our talk earlier in the year opening the possibility of me being gay or bi, but it was nice to hear nonetheless. Means she is a lot more accepting of homosexuality than my dad. He'll be a challenge, should it come to that.
I watched the debate between McCain and Obama earlier (most of it, anyway). Pretty entertaining. Apparently the consensus is that it was a tie, but overall was better for Obama since foreign policy is supposed to be McCain's strong suit. It will be interested to watch Palin vs. Biden next week (assuming I can stand to tape "Supernatural" that is, haha).
Wow, it's late. So much for going to bed early tonight, that never seems to work out. Later.
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Been a while, and might be another while
Two and a half months later . . .
Pretty much just two relevant events have happened since I returned from my trip.
1) I almost went on a date with a girl who messaged me online but turned out to be a little crazy and cancelled on me.
2) I kissed a girl (while drunk).
The former made me feel like I dodged a bullet. I was so desperate to continue getting dating experience that I ignored all the warning signs. Luckily she saved me the trouble. The latter event is fuzzy (for obvious reasons). I was reluctant at first, since I always wanted my first kiss to be meaningful. Unfortunately, alcohol seems to have the ability to make the mind go "Screw it." I remember doing it more because she wanted to and not because there was any real chemistry. I kind of got the impression that making out is something this girl does for fun. I wouldn't be averse to trying it again with a different girl in more sober circumstances, perhaps with real feelings involved.
Anyways, I'm obviously not feeling as gung-ho about this blog as I did at first, since it's been so long since I updated. I'm realizing more and more that my issues are something that will be hard to resolve without more life experience. I've still been seeing the counselor, but less and less and I think I might be done for now. It's been helpful to talk to someone about these and other issues, but I think the value has dwindled. If there's one thing that the counselor has tried to drive into my skull it is that I get way ahead of myself when I think about relationships. I've been afraid to even pursue a relationship with a girl because of the chance that I might someday decide that I'd rather have a relationship with a guy, even though dating someone is a far cry from getting married to them. So hopefully sometime in the next year, or after I start grad school, I'll be able to get more experience dating. Then I'll be in a better position to analyze my feelings. And if at some point I decide that girls just aren't doing it for me, perhaps I'll change course.
One thing I need to stop doing is comparing myself to other people. That's what first set off this crisis in my mind. I didn't feel too sexually abnormal until I began living with guys who talk about girls and sex all the time. I read something interesting earlier, someone suggesting that there are as many sexual orientations as there are people, because everyone is unique. I like that idea.
As for my mom, we've barely discussed the issue since I first talked to her about it, which I find a bit disconcerting. She asks me occasionally whether I'm still seeing the counselor, but that's it. I'll have to address it again at some point, give her an update or something.
I've got mixed feelings about continuing this blog. I really don't want this issue to continue to dominate my thoughts at this time (though I'm sure it probably will). I've got loads of other things to think about, such as changing jobs, thinking about career paths, and applying to grad school. I'm not sure whether I'll continue to post very much, but maybe I will if something happens that is relevant and post-worthy. I'll continue to check this email address (socalrockfan "at" gmail.com) every once and a while so feel free to either comment here or email me there if you have any questions or pearls of wisdom.
Until a later date, thanks everyone for reading and your advice, and good luck on your journeys!
B
Pretty much just two relevant events have happened since I returned from my trip.
1) I almost went on a date with a girl who messaged me online but turned out to be a little crazy and cancelled on me.
2) I kissed a girl (while drunk).
The former made me feel like I dodged a bullet. I was so desperate to continue getting dating experience that I ignored all the warning signs. Luckily she saved me the trouble. The latter event is fuzzy (for obvious reasons). I was reluctant at first, since I always wanted my first kiss to be meaningful. Unfortunately, alcohol seems to have the ability to make the mind go "Screw it." I remember doing it more because she wanted to and not because there was any real chemistry. I kind of got the impression that making out is something this girl does for fun. I wouldn't be averse to trying it again with a different girl in more sober circumstances, perhaps with real feelings involved.
Anyways, I'm obviously not feeling as gung-ho about this blog as I did at first, since it's been so long since I updated. I'm realizing more and more that my issues are something that will be hard to resolve without more life experience. I've still been seeing the counselor, but less and less and I think I might be done for now. It's been helpful to talk to someone about these and other issues, but I think the value has dwindled. If there's one thing that the counselor has tried to drive into my skull it is that I get way ahead of myself when I think about relationships. I've been afraid to even pursue a relationship with a girl because of the chance that I might someday decide that I'd rather have a relationship with a guy, even though dating someone is a far cry from getting married to them. So hopefully sometime in the next year, or after I start grad school, I'll be able to get more experience dating. Then I'll be in a better position to analyze my feelings. And if at some point I decide that girls just aren't doing it for me, perhaps I'll change course.
One thing I need to stop doing is comparing myself to other people. That's what first set off this crisis in my mind. I didn't feel too sexually abnormal until I began living with guys who talk about girls and sex all the time. I read something interesting earlier, someone suggesting that there are as many sexual orientations as there are people, because everyone is unique. I like that idea.
As for my mom, we've barely discussed the issue since I first talked to her about it, which I find a bit disconcerting. She asks me occasionally whether I'm still seeing the counselor, but that's it. I'll have to address it again at some point, give her an update or something.
I've got mixed feelings about continuing this blog. I really don't want this issue to continue to dominate my thoughts at this time (though I'm sure it probably will). I've got loads of other things to think about, such as changing jobs, thinking about career paths, and applying to grad school. I'm not sure whether I'll continue to post very much, but maybe I will if something happens that is relevant and post-worthy. I'll continue to check this email address (socalrockfan "at" gmail.com) every once and a while so feel free to either comment here or email me there if you have any questions or pearls of wisdom.
Until a later date, thanks everyone for reading and your advice, and good luck on your journeys!
B
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Big Apple
Just spent the evening packing for my big trip tomorrow. I'm going to New York for a little more than a week (including two nights in Toronto), and I'm excited. Hopefully it doesn't rain while I'm there, the 10 day forecast indicated it might.
Sometimes I think about how if someone I knew just randomly happened to find this blog, they wouldn't have to be a rocket scientist to figure out who I am (hmm, so-and-so went to New York about that same time!). I know the chances of that happening are slim to none, but it still makes me think twice about some of the things I choose to write. Oh well, the safe and easy road hasn't gotten me too far in the past, one has got to take some risks, even minor ones.
After this nice little vacation from work (and worrisome life issues) I will have to try to get back on track as far as figuring myself out. My efforts have definitely stalled since my date with Jenny. Until I return, take care everyone!
Sometimes I think about how if someone I knew just randomly happened to find this blog, they wouldn't have to be a rocket scientist to figure out who I am (hmm, so-and-so went to New York about that same time!). I know the chances of that happening are slim to none, but it still makes me think twice about some of the things I choose to write. Oh well, the safe and easy road hasn't gotten me too far in the past, one has got to take some risks, even minor ones.
After this nice little vacation from work (and worrisome life issues) I will have to try to get back on track as far as figuring myself out. My efforts have definitely stalled since my date with Jenny. Until I return, take care everyone!
Friday, April 11, 2008
Tired
Things are pretty hectic right now. Work is busy, I'm taking a test on Saturday, I'm planning a big trip next week, and the date last Saturday is still on my mind. I have kind of decided not to pursue that girl, at least not right now. Something didn't feel right, I didn't really get the impression that she was interested in me in that way. Of course for all I know I'm way off, it's not like I have experience with this kind of thing. Anyways, maybe I'll drop her an email or something just to check in, but I think things need to relax a bit before I add one more thing to stress out about. I'm sure there will be other opportunities, I just have to be patient.
In other news, Stone Temple Pilots are getting back together!!!!! This makes me extremely happy, I never got the chance to see them before they broke up. They're playing at the Hollywood Bowl in June (not my favorite venue, but what the heck, you do what you gotta do). Good thing I just saw Velvet Revolver in December, because now they are no more and it sounds like Scott Weiland did not leave the band on the best of terms. So yay!
In other news, Stone Temple Pilots are getting back together!!!!! This makes me extremely happy, I never got the chance to see them before they broke up. They're playing at the Hollywood Bowl in June (not my favorite venue, but what the heck, you do what you gotta do). Good thing I just saw Velvet Revolver in December, because now they are no more and it sounds like Scott Weiland did not leave the band on the best of terms. So yay!
Monday, April 7, 2008
Better now
Ok, can't let that last entry be the most recent one for very long. Today was much better. Granted, it was super hectic at work but that's okay, at least it made me feel productive, and the busier I am the less time I have to ruminate. And I actually heard back from my friend whom I've not talked to for years, so I had the right address after all. Very cool. Now I just gotta study for that test. And damn, the arm where I got the tetanus shot is sooo sore. Serves me right I guess, haha. Thankfully it's my left.
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