Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas everyone! 

As the year comes to an end there is quite a lot to reflect on. In many ways this year was the flip side of 2012. Whereas 2012 saw the beginning of my dating life and the discovery of my first love, 2013 saw my first heartbreak and the emotional turmoil that followed. At times it has seemed like a constant struggle to be happy, whereas happiness seemed limitless last year.

However, I grew in important ways this year. Getting into the improv troupe was the highlight of the year by far. What started as just a fun thing to dabble in through taking classes has become a major hobby and a cornerstone of my social life. So many friends, new and old, have expressed interest in coming to see me perform, and that makes me feel very good.

Recovering from the heartbreak has itself been a learning and growing experience. For some, my experience brought us closer and allowed me to give useful advice (my "breakup buddy" Sam). For others, my state of mind caused problems (Brody, and to a lesser extent, Wes). For myself, I should hope the experience has made me more emotionally resilient, and given me a better idea of what is important in a partner. I have learned the importance of emotional compatibility (and emotional stability). 

I hope that 2014 will see the continuation of my healing. I really want to improve my optimism toward finding someone that touches my heart the way Ben did. At the same time, I recognize that it may not ever feel quite the same right off the bat. There's something special about one's first.

Dating has kind of dwindled over the last month or two. Three main reasons for that. First, I've gotten a bit burned out. Too many disappointments, too many dead ends. I decided I needed to slow down and work on myself more first. Second, I've been sick. I've had a recurring sore throat since Thanksgiving. I went to the doctor . . . Turns out it is mono. He could hardly believe it. Usually people in their late 20s are past the age of getting it apparently. Most people get it in their teens and early 20s. I suggested that it could be because I started dating (and hence, swapping saliva) so relatively late. The doc thought I might be onto something. Finally, I've been enjoying getting to know Ron. We live quite far apart and have only gotten together for dinner twice since the beach house weekend, but he seems like a sweet guy and there may be some potential there. Perhaps the good thing about the distance is that it's forcing us to take things slow. And slow is what I need.

Christmas was good. Spent it with family. Tomorrow we're driving up to see uncles, aunts and my cousins. No long distance calls to a significant other in New Jersey time around. 

But as a quote I found on Facebook says:

Don't be sad for someone who gave up on you. Instead feel sorry for them, because they gave up on someone who never would have given up on them.

Happy New Year!

Second date with my San Diego guy

I had my second date with Ron this week. We met midway between us and had dinner. When we first met he had quite the bushy beard. This time he was clean shaven, and looked quite good. Dinner was nice, then he drove us down to a nearby pier. By then it was dark and there were few people around. Just some fisherman. It was pretty crazy walking to the end of the pier, away from the city lights and toward the dark expanse of ocean. It felt like being at the end of the world. We put our arms around each other, but I let him know about the bad sore throat I'd been experiencing so we didn't kiss on the mouth. When we came back to the shore we watched some trains go by, then went to sit in the car to warm up. We cuddled while listening to Christmas music on his car radio. Eventually the time came to part ways, so he drove me back to my car. He suggested we meet up again next week.

Unfortunately our time is limited currently as he works weekends and we live quite far from each other. Still, I'd like to keep seeing him. I have a chemistry and repor with him that is quite enjoyable.

I seem to have reached a new breakthrough in my interminable recovery from being dumped, which happened more than 10 months ago now. I exchanged friendly emails with Ben over the holiday, and I was a lot less distant and more friendly than I was last time. I left him with my hope that he would eventually be ready to work with me to achieve a friendship, but I said that now was not quite the time. I don't know if this had anything to do with making me feel better, but in a way it felt like taking the power back. I also suggested that perhaps some day he and his boyfriend could check out one of my improv shows after we're back on good terms. I hope to be able to count both of them among my friends eventually. I'm getting better at not dwelling on all the crap. If I want their friendship I'm going to have to just forgive.

Other than Ron dating has kind of slowed. I was getting too discouraged and I realized too much of the dating I did this year was about me trying to find a replacement boyfriend to heal the hurt and loneliness. I'm easing back now. I like Ron so I'll keep seeing him, but I'm keeping my expectations in check. There's still the instinct to compare, but I'm trying to fight it.

That's it for now!

Second chance

Okay, time to finish the story from a couple weeks ago.

So, before I went to San Diego I came upon Eric's Facebook profile through a mutual friend. I somewhat impulsively decided to text him to see how he was. To my surprise, he responded by calling me and we talked for a while. He seemed happy to hear from me, and suggested we meet up again. Now remember, this is the guy who cancelled on my three times in one week after we had an awesome first date. Suffice it to say I was approaching him with much caution. However, he told me in the conversation that he had realized recently he had a tendency to push people away and he was trying to change that. So, I decided to give him another chance. But, HE would have to lead the way, and I considered him on "dating probation."

One wrinkle: I added him on Facebook, and on the way down to San Diego Wes asked me, "How do you know Eric?" Turns out he knows him too, and went out with him a couple times. "He's an asshole," he said. Later he elaborated that he didn't really quite remember why the guy was an asshole, but they had dropped out of contact. It was definitely jealousy talking. I felt bad, but I knew I had to make my own decision about Eric.

We texted back and forth a bit while I was in San Diego. The day after my long date with San Diego guy, I was at work texting with Eric to set up a meet up. I said I could meet that day or the next. He said he was free that day, so we made plans for him to come to my place. That night he did, and we went and got sushi and frozen yogurt. We had a good time, and good conversation. The conversation continued in the car while we finished our yogurt, then we ended up making out. After that I invited him to come back to my place to watch a movie or something. I wasn't sure if he would go for it, since he usually gets up really early, but agreed.

We get back to my place, and start cuddling/making out on my bed. The TV never gets turned on. I don't necessarily have the intention of things going further than cuddling, but things escalate. Note that HE is the one that escalates it. He removes my shirt. He unbuttons my pants. So I do the same to him. Before long I'm naked, then he is. We do hands, we do mouths. Here he is, the fourth guy I've done anything with in bed, right after the third.

Problem is . . . he gets curious for some reason. He stops for a moment and asks me when the last time I did something with someone was. I . . . am an honest person. "Recently . . ." I stammered. "This weekend?" he asked. "Yes." Damn, why couldn't this have happened any time but now?

I asked him if that was a problem, and he said no. But he asked further questions. "Who was he?" "What did you guys do?" I assured him it was a date from OkCupid who lives in San Diego, and all we did was hands. However, my thoughts turned to the pictures I posted on Facebook of the San Diego crew, which included Wes. Perhaps Eric thought I was dating Wes, and was cheating on him? Or maybe he's just very prudish when it comes to these things (and here I thought I was, haha).

In any case, we continued for a bit after the awkward pause, but then suddenly Eric got up and said, "Sorry to cut it short, but I get up at 6 in the morning." He dressed, gave me a kiss, and left. I never believed for a second that it wasn't about the revelation about me having fooled around with someone in SD.

My suspicions have been all but confirmed by the fact that Eric is no longer texting me. Now that we are Facebook friends though, I see that he is a little . . . strange. And after talking with Wes about it in more detail, it seems that Eric really does have a track record of being flaky.

I have no regrets about giving him another chance. I got better closure this time, and can now confidently say that he is just not right for me.

Meanwhile, I have made plans to meet up with San Diego guy again after the Thanksgiving Holiday. Let's christen him. I'll call him Ron. Because he currently has a beard and is from San Diego. Just like Ron Burgundy. :-P

Weekend by the beach

Ok, let's see if I can bust out the San Diego story before I fall asleep, haha.

Basically, it was a crazy weekend. YouTube Guy (I'm gonna have to give him a proper pseudonym one of these days haha), his boyfriend, Wes and I drove down to San Diego together. Nina was renting a beach house for the long Veterans Day weekend. Also in attendance were my buddy Walter and several others. Walter was the only straight guy. This held true even on Saturday night when a bunch of Nina's friends joined us. This introduced two guys who I later learned were bisexual. One was a super tall (6'6!), blue-eyed hunk of a man from Minnesota. The other was a really cute Indian guy (who I later was told is half Italian...yowza). Man, if I had known that night they were bi...I probably would have had more to drink, lol.

Out of all of us, Nina was definitely the craziest party animal. It seems every time someone new came over she had to run away and put on clothes. She's . . . a free spirit, that one. She made it her mission to make out with this one girl. She did, but while black out drunk so she didn't even remember meeting her the next day.

It was great seeing YouTube Guy and his boyfriend so soon after they visited before. They have really become close friends and have been helping me try to put my personal life back together. And not just by pressuring me to buy Andrew Christian. Speaking of which, the tall guy was dared to put YTG's boyfriend's pair on. He wore them quite well, haha.

Sunday YouTube Guy, his boyfriend and Wes all had to leave. Nina offered to drive me home if I stayed through Monday so I bid them farewell. Sunday was an interesting day. I had intended to rent a bike, but instead napped a lot. I ate dinner with Nina, during which I spoke to her about my dating woes and my progress moving on. She revealed that Wes had spoken to her and admitted he was confused about why I invited him along. This made me feel guilty. For me it had been a no brainer. He was friends with the group now and he had been at Nina's party the weekend before when we were discussing the trip. It felt natural to invite him since we had been encouraged to invite whoever we wanted. I realized things still aren't totally resolved with him...but after talking to him again last night I think they're headed in the right direction. Nina tried to tell me I should give dating him another chance since he might help heal my still wounded heart. I couldn't do that if the attraction wasn't right though. If I am to compromise on attraction, then why even seek to date guys in the first place? I can't use someone and risk hurting them just to help me with my own issues. That would make me quite the hypocrite.

Anyways, on to the good stuff. Three nights in a row of decidedly gay activities.

Sunday:

Nina, the cute Indian/Italian guy and I came back to Nina's beach house after we went to play board games with her friends. The guy being a bisexual with a serious girlfriend, Nina and I definitely got cozy without pushing the boundaries too far. I already knew that the guy had told Nina I was cute, and in my tipsy state I was a bit emboldened. Imagine the scene: The guy sitting on the couch, me laying with my head in his lap, and Nina standing in front of both of us completely naked. We carried on a conversation like this. Craziness. Much respect to that guy! Although apparently he did say that if he'd been single he would have totally loved to fool around with us.

Monday: I had a date lined up from online. It went REALLY well. We had lunch and talked. From there we moved on to Balboa Park where I went for the kiss as we walked through a cactus garden. From there we went back to the beach house where we cuddled for a while, had dinner, and watched TV. And then this guy became the third guy I've done things with in the bedroom (it was so nice having such a big bedroom!) It was only hand jobs (this was the first date after all), but it was nice. And I even impressed the guy with my . . . projectile range haha. After that we showered together. Nina texted me offering to drive me back early the next morning before work, which meant my guy could spend the night. In the end the date went from noon one day to 5 am the next morning. I'd call that a success!

Since then we've talked about meeting up again. Now, there is quite a distance between us...but I'm just looking forward to seeing him again and seeing where it goes. No expectations.

Tuesday:

The next morning after my guy left I was treated to the most beautiful sunrise over the water. I wish he had been able to stick around slightly longer to enjoy it with me. In any case, I took tons of pictures then Nina drove me home.

At this point dear readers I need to go, but the story is not over! Tuesday night I had a date with someone from the past...a few months ago that is. I'm still scratching my head over what went down that night. To be continued!

Unfriend

I've fallen behind on this blog! So much to tell about a recent weekend in a beach house that my friend rented. No time for those stories now though. Teaser: it culminated in a bedroom experience with the third guy I've done things with. Then number four was the very next day. Shut up...don't judge.

For now, I'll just say that today I finally took a step that was long overdue. I defriended Ben on Facebook. The main recent catalyst: He changed his profile pic to him and Daniel Newguy. I wasn't following his updates and haven't been to his page in months, but the pic came up when I was searching for someone with a similar name. I don't need to see that. Plus, he stopped liking my posts months ago and I haven't liked anything of his since he kicked me to the curb. So basically us being Facebook friends at this point is pointless. It's just a placeholder for a friendship that may never happen. If it does, he'll have to come to me. I did my part. I reached out oh so long ago and he was rude and condescending to me. All he had to offer was a conditional, one-sided friendship. The way I remember it, it brings to mind Invasion of the Body Snatchers. The caring, generous guy I had fallen in love with had been replaced by a cold, emotionless pod person that could look back at the memories of the ten months we'd known each other and feel nothing. 

Wes said something to me today at the gym which struck a nerve. I know he's still a little bitter about what happened between us. He said, in support of me unfriending Ben, "Ben ruined you for all the guys you would date after." Kinda messed up and I called him out on it, but it rang a bit true. I still feel so emotionally scarred from the experience, and I know it has left me with serious dating hang ups.

So, the unfriending is my way of symbolically throwing up my hands and leaving Ben's status in my life to fate, and to him. It is time for me to stop holding the friendship train for him. Either he sees the value of having me in his life someday or he doesn't. If he does he knows where to find me, if he doesn't, then good riddance. I won't be the one to convince him.

Ups and downs

Time for an update.

Things are still up and down. The week before last I had quite a great week, despite the fact that I was a little under the weather with a sore throat half the time. I went to West Hollywood for Wes's birthday, which was fun. We are becoming pretty good friends. I'm sure he'd still be interested in dating me, but I'm just not in the right place for that. I'm keeping an open mind, but I realize I do need to trust my gut.

Monday I had sushi with a couple that I know through the LGBT social group. It was a lot of fun. They're both super nice. Tuesday I went to my very first drag show at a bar in Long Beach with a guy I met on Grindr. Nice guy, but he's definitely one of those mixed messages types. He told a friend of his at the bar that we weren't on a "date," just a "hang out." But then we ended the night making out. He started to get a little more frisky than I'm comfortable with on a first date so I told him I take things I little slower than that. He seemed understanding, though a little disappointed. Since then he has been less communicative, but still texts me randomly. He has not proposed another meet up, and did not respond when I did. So frustrating. I randomly ran into him at a bar, which was a little awkward. He was friendly, but it may have just been an act. I've backed off, but still he'll randomly text me to ask how my day's going. Blah.

Anyways, despite that bit of frustration the rest of the week was good. YouTube Guy and his boyfriend came to town and stayed with me for three nights. This was only the second time I've seen them in person (the first being the San Francisco trip in September 2012). They were a blast. I got a lot closer with them, and they gave me a lot of dating advice. I feel like they sort of think of me as a project. They even pressured me into buying a pair of Andrew Christian underwear in WeHo, lol. I took them and some other friends (including Wes) to my improv troupe's Halloween show. It was a great time. Afterward we went to a local gay bar (where I ran into Mr. Mixed Messages) and then back to my place. Nina, her boyfriend and Wes all were there too. It was so nice having so many friends over. I really felt the love :)

After the fantastic visit from YouTube Guy and his bf, last week was a bit of a letdown. Wednesday especially was hard. I was just about as depressed as I've ever felt. I thought about Ben all day long. I still miss that fucker so much. I think my frustrating experiences with dating since then have also contributed. Promising prospects go nowhere. Guys that seem like a good match stop responding. Guys that are into me don't do it for me. And every time my prospects dwindle I once again start wondering about dating girls, just to try it. Then I find myself checking out guys and wonder how exactly dating girls would improve things.

I spoke to my mom on the phone that day. I told her about how, even after more than nine months, I still can't get Ben out of my head. She admitted that she has a hard time understanding it. She said that she has experienced break ups before, but never took it this hard. I asked her if the guy she lost had been the best friend she'd ever had. She said no. I responded, "That's how I felt about Ben." I think she was able to empathize a little more after that.

Hanging out with friends later in the week helped to improve my mood. I had dinner with Janice and went to the gym with Wes. Improv practice was a fun bonding experience since in honor of Halloween people were allowed to drink (drunk people doing improv is a whole new level of hilarity). I was invited by Nina to spend the weekend in San Diego with her and a bunch of friends next weekend.

Meanwhile I constantly try to think of new ways to help me get over Ben. I remind myself that he has serious emotional and intimacy issues, that it was not my fault. I tell myself that it was him, not me, that failed. The relationship was an amazing experience for me, and if he was unable to take the same joy from it as I did and approach it with the same level of optimism, then that's his loss. Despite my difficulties finding other people I click with as well, I try to reassure myself that there is someone out there. Someone with the emotional maturity to give a relationship the respect and effort it deserves. Someone who is able to recognize a good thing when they have it and not always be checking out the grass on the other side of the fence. Someone who is not intimidated by expressions of love and affection. Someone who doesn't just talk about the importance of communication and honesty, but actually practices what they preach.

I do feel I'm making progress though, despite periodic setbacks. Just the other night I had a dream in which I was in Ben's house (although it resembled my childhood home). However, the dream revolved around his roommate rather than him. His only appearance in the dream was when I walked by his room to see him laying in bed. Rather than approach him, I turned my back and kept walking. Perhaps the meaning of the dream is this: I can't expect to expunge Ben completely from my mind. However, that doesn't mean I can't choose not to dwell on it. I'm working on it.

Unfortunately last night I had a dream that we were back together. Oh well.

The story of Wes

Once again it's been quite a while since I updated. I had quite the difficult decision to make recently.

Things continued to progress with Wes since the last entry. However, I continued to be on the fence about him. Despite the fact that I greatly appreciated his affection and communicativeness, I just couldn't get excited about him. On the physical side of things, he was prematurely bald and had a bit of an overbite, though his smile was nice. On the chemistry side of things I just didn't feel the kind of intellectual compatibility that I had felt with Ben.

Part of me really wanted to continue on with him. He was very into me. He would constantly compliment me, saying how adorable I was. He told me he hadn't felt this way about a guy in a long time. He was super patient, knowing full well I had had my heart broken and was a bit gun shy about getting serious. We did a bunch of things together, including going hiking, going to the movies, and going to the gym. He and his friend (the one that encouraged us to kiss in WeHo) even came down and attended one of my troupe's improv shows with me.

There were several factors that pressured me to make a decision about Wes before things went on much longer. First, his birthday was coming up in a few weeks. I did not want to let him go too close to his special day, nor did I want to feel like I was leading him on when the day came. Second, I continued to want to see other people. When I was dating Ben, I lost the desire to date anyone else because I liked him so much. With Wes, I kept hoping that I would meet someone who would give me a reason to break things off with him. A month after we had first gone out (last Monday), I went out with a new guy and had a really good time. We seemed to have a lot in common, the physical attraction was better, and we seemed to be more on the same wavelength in some ways. Third, I was very worried about doing to Wes what Ben had done to me. I did not want to lead him on, make him think that my feelings were stronger than they really were. If I wasn't feeling it, it was important for me to be honest sooner rather than later.

Tuesday was the latest dinner for the LGBT social group. I invited Wes to come along, as well as my old friend Jake the Australian. Throughout the dinner Wes would reach over and rub my arm as he liked to do. Though I appreciated the gesture, each time he did it made me feel more guilty. When Wes went to the bathroom Jake asked me whether we were dating. My hesitation before responding spoke volumes. I told Jake about how I was worried I was holding out for the same feeling I had felt with Ben. Jake has been going through something similar. Last time we talked we discussed how hard it is to recapture the feeling of one's first love.

I had talked to several other people about it, including my mom, my cousins, friends, and my therapist. Finally I decided I needed to come clean. I had been honest with Wes about how I was taking things slow, but now it was time to be honest that I simply wasn't feeling the same as he was. After the dinner he gave me a ride to my car and I asked him if we could just be friends for now. He was disappointed and a bit confused, but he agreed. Since then he has told me I am still welcome to attend his birthday outing, so that's good.

Since then I have been second guessing myself of course. Even though I don't feel like I led him on, and certainly didn't date him for eight months before being honest, I still feel like I pulled a Ben, like I threw away something good to hold out for some possibly unattainable ideal. One positive thing that has come of this though . . . a lot of my anger toward Ben has faded now that I have been in his shoes. I recognize that letting someone go who is very into you is not easy. I can't imagine how hard it must have been for him, since we had been together much longer and were much more serious.

As for the guy from last week, I went out with him again yesterday to see a movie. I enjoyed his company, but the conversation seemed just a little bit more strained this time. I texted him earlier to see if he wants to hang out again this week, but no response yet.

My mood is still fairly good. I've taken to snapping my wrist with a rubber band whenever I start thinking about Ben at work. I also am keeping a gratitude journal and using a website called Happify which has exercises designed to improve the quality of your life. I am constantly on the look out for new ways to appreciate what I have and not get down about having lost Ben.

So if anyone has any further ideas, I'd love to hear them!