How's it going, all? I'm alright. My cousin Brad and his girlfriend came down this weekend. They were staying an hour and a half away with friends, so I only got to see them briefly for dinner last night when they were in the area, but it was very nice. We chatted about a lot. His girlfriend's recent graduation and first job, his job and future plans, my ever-shifting career plans, my ongoing healing process, my dating, politics, family, etc. It was a nice time. Brad is the cousin that I'm arguably closest with even though the age difference is greatest between us. We are the most similar intellectually, and to some extent emotionally (well, he's nowhere near as anxiety-prone or obsessive as I am, haha).
Today I just kind of relaxed and gave myself some me-time. No new dates since last weekend, but I am in communication with a couple of guys that I hope to meet up with over the next week or so. I still have an interest in Nick, but I haven't met up with him for the third time yet. He's pretty busy right now, as he is approaching his first finals week as a graduate student. I did call him up on Thursday night and talked to him for a half an hour, so that was nice. I'm waiting for him to contact me next, I do not want to scare him away by being too forward.
Today I went to a local discount theater for the first time and watched Oz the Great and Powerful, since I've been wanting to see it. I'm glad I did. I enjoyed it, and it had some themes that resonated. (SPOILER ALERT if you care)
The relationship between Oz and Theodora had some personal relevance. Theodora is heartbroken when her affections for Oz are not returned and she is led to believe that he is pursuing Glinda. Rather than face her pain and work through it, she opts for the easy way out and accepts a magical apple from the evil Evanora that removes the goodness in her heart. The moral: having emotions is a double edged sword. The same emotions that give us such joy when we experience a loving relationship with someone can be turned against us when that someone rejects us. However, that's the price we pay, and the alternative would be to give up our humanity.
I admit, I am still pretty torn up about Daniel Newguy being in the picture with Ben, though it's been a month since I found out (I added Ben to my restricted friends list on FB by the way, so I don't have to worry about him "liking" any more of my posts, or even being able to see them). I think part of what I was using to make myself feel better after the breakup was the idea that Ben really did need to be with a woman to feel fulfilled in a romantic relationship. Then he ended up with another guy within 2-3 months. It doesn't feel so hot to be so easily replaceable, let me tell you. So the only consolation I have to hold onto is the assumption that it's a rebound, plain and simple, and that Ben is a major commitmentphobe. I'm still working on forgiveness. Still trying to be more like Glinda the Good Witch and not the vindictive Wicked Witch, haha.
As for Brody, I haven't heard anything from him since he texted me a week ago last Friday. I think he's gotten the message. I do feel bad that the friendship has gone south, but that really was his doing. He crossed a major line by speaking to me so harshly and insulting me, by attacking me for opening up to him. I did apologize for inadvertently hurting him, but he hasn't come forward and apologized for directing the words "appalling" and "abnormal" at me and my behavior. And friendship is not going to happen until he does. If he contacts me again I will tell him this.
In a nutshell here's the update on the guys of my life, past and present.
Ben: Still on the rebound as far as I know, still occupying way more mental space than I would like (including a dream last night where I spoke to his roommate about him, weird, haha). Still haven't spoken to him since February, haven't emailed since March. What would be the point. Nothing emerges from opening that door except sharp objects. And my heart is a magnet.
Brody: Uncharacteristically distant, probably pissed at me.
Nick: Tangled up in his studies, but still presumably interested in getting to know me.
In the works: a buff nerdy guy, a Filipino guy, and a Japanese guy.
Stay tuned.
Monday, June 3, 2013
Monday, May 27, 2013
Memorial Day Weekend
I'm spending Memorial Day Weekend up at my cousin Roger's place in Los Angeles.
Thursday I got an unexpected invitation to come up to LA with a friend and see Queens of the Stone Age in concert. I hadn't seen them yet, so that was a great treat. The venue was located very close to where Ben lives, and that put me a little bit on edge. I hadn't seen this friend since coming out (though he has known for a while, he's Janice's brother), so I told him a bit about my relationship and its end. As with everyone I asked him his opinion about "spark" and "chemistry." I really should stop dwelling on it.
Friday I hung out with Tom and played some video games. I feel so much more comfortable and natural around him than I used to. Part of that is because of the great friend he has been since my breakup. Part of it is the maturation that he has gone through in his personality over the past couple years. And I think part of it is Brody . . . the situation with him makes me appreciate Tom so much more, haha. Like Brody, Tom is relatively emotionally needy and insecure. BUT, he is a lot more respectful of boundaries. I can't imagine him talking to me the way Brody did.
Yep, I'm still pissed about it. Brody has texted me a couple times throughout the week. I've kept it short and straightforward, just answering questions. I think he's likely getting the message, though I know he has family visiting so that has likely kept him fairly occupied. I'll have to decide when and whether to meet up with him again.
Saturday I drove up here to LA and had a lunch date with a new guy, a medical student. He was really nice and quite good looking. He lives quite far from me, and he only has one year left in LA before he starts residency somewhere, so I don't think I'll pursue anything beyond friendship with him. Still I would like to get to know him better. Like me, he was a bit of a "late bloomer" to the whole coming out and dating thing. He's been out for 2 years. He suggested we hang out again next time I'm in LA. After the date I went to a movie theater in Hollywood to see Star Trek with Roger and Lance. It was good! Then we walked up and down Hollywood Boulevard for a couple hours, which I always enjoy doing.
Sunday (today) was another lunch date, this one with a pretty good looking and fit Latino guy. He seems really nice, though I didn't feel we had quite as much in common as the med student and I did. After that I met up with some friends and explored the neighborhoods of Los Feliz and Silverlake. My one friend is a gay guy that I met through a college friend a couple months ago. He's from France and is very nice. Kind of cute but I'm not sure he's my type. Plus he doesn't have a car, haha. After we parted ways (he had errands to do), I headed back toward my cousin's house. On my way through Silverlake I spotted the bar Akbar, which I knew was a gay bar (the rainbow flag confirmed this). I passed it and continued on somewhat conflicted before finally deciding to turn around and grab a drink there. It was a fairly cool bar. Some cute guys, especially one couple I saw. It's always awkward drinking alone in a bar so after I finished my drink and felt satisfied that I had experienced the bar's atmosphere I left to head back to Roger's. I sent Nick a text message to see how his weekend is going (he's visiting Arizona). He replied to say he was having a lot of fun and asked how LA was. He comes back tomorrow. I'd like to see him again this week, though I'd kind of like him to initiate this one.
No solid plans for my day off yet. The Latino guy mentioned the possibility of going on a hike after he gets off work before I go back home, so I'll see if he contacts me.
Thursday I got an unexpected invitation to come up to LA with a friend and see Queens of the Stone Age in concert. I hadn't seen them yet, so that was a great treat. The venue was located very close to where Ben lives, and that put me a little bit on edge. I hadn't seen this friend since coming out (though he has known for a while, he's Janice's brother), so I told him a bit about my relationship and its end. As with everyone I asked him his opinion about "spark" and "chemistry." I really should stop dwelling on it.
Friday I hung out with Tom and played some video games. I feel so much more comfortable and natural around him than I used to. Part of that is because of the great friend he has been since my breakup. Part of it is the maturation that he has gone through in his personality over the past couple years. And I think part of it is Brody . . . the situation with him makes me appreciate Tom so much more, haha. Like Brody, Tom is relatively emotionally needy and insecure. BUT, he is a lot more respectful of boundaries. I can't imagine him talking to me the way Brody did.
Yep, I'm still pissed about it. Brody has texted me a couple times throughout the week. I've kept it short and straightforward, just answering questions. I think he's likely getting the message, though I know he has family visiting so that has likely kept him fairly occupied. I'll have to decide when and whether to meet up with him again.
Saturday I drove up here to LA and had a lunch date with a new guy, a medical student. He was really nice and quite good looking. He lives quite far from me, and he only has one year left in LA before he starts residency somewhere, so I don't think I'll pursue anything beyond friendship with him. Still I would like to get to know him better. Like me, he was a bit of a "late bloomer" to the whole coming out and dating thing. He's been out for 2 years. He suggested we hang out again next time I'm in LA. After the date I went to a movie theater in Hollywood to see Star Trek with Roger and Lance. It was good! Then we walked up and down Hollywood Boulevard for a couple hours, which I always enjoy doing.
Sunday (today) was another lunch date, this one with a pretty good looking and fit Latino guy. He seems really nice, though I didn't feel we had quite as much in common as the med student and I did. After that I met up with some friends and explored the neighborhoods of Los Feliz and Silverlake. My one friend is a gay guy that I met through a college friend a couple months ago. He's from France and is very nice. Kind of cute but I'm not sure he's my type. Plus he doesn't have a car, haha. After we parted ways (he had errands to do), I headed back toward my cousin's house. On my way through Silverlake I spotted the bar Akbar, which I knew was a gay bar (the rainbow flag confirmed this). I passed it and continued on somewhat conflicted before finally deciding to turn around and grab a drink there. It was a fairly cool bar. Some cute guys, especially one couple I saw. It's always awkward drinking alone in a bar so after I finished my drink and felt satisfied that I had experienced the bar's atmosphere I left to head back to Roger's. I sent Nick a text message to see how his weekend is going (he's visiting Arizona). He replied to say he was having a lot of fun and asked how LA was. He comes back tomorrow. I'd like to see him again this week, though I'd kind of like him to initiate this one.
No solid plans for my day off yet. The Latino guy mentioned the possibility of going on a hike after he gets off work before I go back home, so I'll see if he contacts me.
Monday, May 20, 2013
We'll have a gay ol' time
I had a very eventful weekend. Be warned, you might want to break this entry up into several sittings! Ha ha.
Friday night
I attended an LGBT group that my friend Adam invited me to. Adam is the boyfriend of Howie, who I met back in January. It was fun. I met a bunch of nice people. All of the cute guys were taken though :-) One of the leaders of the group was a really friendly guy who seems very interested to hear my coming out story (I mentioned to him that I just came out over the last year). I invited Brody to go to the group as well, and I think he also enjoyed himself. Everyone was asking us if we were a couple. After dinner the group went bowling. Brody and I tagged along but didn't bowl. At one point I was chatting with someone and got into a conversation about my break-up. Realizing I hadn't shared the latest with Brody, I told him about the whole Facebook relationship status thing with Ben, and how I only checked his profile because he had "liked" things on my page. Brody was convinced that Ben had done it on purpose to lure me to his page, but I disagreed. Ben is mixed-up and anxiety-prone, but he's not malicious.
This wasn't the only disagreement with Brody that night. He was also annoyed at me for seemingly ducking him for the past week. He had texted me earlier in the week to have dinner one night. I had already made plans for almost every night (which doesn't happen that often), so I said possibly Thursday before I met up with another friend for drinks. When Thursday came and that friend had to cancel, I let Brody know that I had more time now. He didn't get back to me until late, so we ended up talking for an hour on the phone instead. Well, mostly he talked and I listened. A lot of the conversation was about a medical condition of his, and I understand it has him worried and he needed to talk it out with someone, so I listened. But by the end of the hour I was getting antsy to get off the phone (I'm really only a fan of lengthy phone conversations if it's someone I haven't talked to in a while or a significant other). I finally had to excuse myself when I detected a pause.
Saturday night
I attended a dance party in Long Beach, on the Queen Mary (an old cruise ship that is now permanently docked and acts as a hotel, museum and event venue). The party was in honor of Long Beach Pride, and I found out about it a month or so ago through Groupon. I thought it would be a fun way to have a good time with some of my new gay friends. I drove up with Brody. Howie and Adam drove separately, since Howie had to work early the next morning. Also joining us was the quiet guy I went out with back in February, as mentioned here. Turns out he already knows Howie. The night started out well. We met at the Pike (good old Pike . . . place where I met you-know-who . . . but the more I go there and form new memories the more the spell is broken) and had dinner. Then we went over to the ship around 11. I got confused coming out of the parking structure and misdirected Brody. We got lost for a while until his GPS got us back on track. Finally we made it to the boat. We went up to the top deck where the party was . . . and waited at least 30 minutes to get drinks. It was insane! It wasn't even the only bar either! They didn't have enough bartenders, and what bartenders they did have were horribly inefficient. While in line I glanced over and saw a pretty cute guy also waiting.
After we FINALLY got our drinks, Brody and I went to find the rest of our group. We stood by the rail to start drinking. I needed to finish one of the cups in my hand so I could text Howie and locate him (he's tall, so I was hoping I could pick him out of the crowd, but no such luck.) To my right was the cute guy from the drink line. Feeling brave, I decided to strike up a conversation, especially since we already had that interminable line experience in common. It ended up being a great idea. He was a visitor from out of town who had come to the party alone to give himself something to do. We chatted for a while, I introduced him to Brody, and then Howie came and found us. I invited the out-of-towner to join our group, and the six of us had our little dance circle for the rest of the night. The guy stood by me the whole time, and neither of us were shy about putting our hands on each other when we wanted to say something.
Howie, Adam and the quiet guy ended up staying for almost the whole night (I found out later that Howie didn't even bother to go to bed before going to work, what a trooper! Ha ha). Brody and I gave my new friend a ride back to his hotel and added him on Facebook so we could share the pictures that were taken. He said that he would let us know the next time he was in California.
This is where the night took a turn for the worse. To inform Brody of how I knew the quiet guy, I began to explain how he was the first guy I went on a date with after my break-up. No sooner had the words left my lips that Brody turned on me. He chewed me out for always talking about my break-up, and said that he was at his wit's end. He said he was "appalled" that I told him about the Ben Facebook situation at the social event on Friday, and then didn't listen to his advice when he gave it. He claimed his advice was ignored, going in one ear and out the other. He also said that my fixation on Ben was "abnormal." I experienced an emotion I have not felt in a LONG time, not even during my phone argument with Ben. I was so angry I was literally shaking. I told him that I had not ignored his advice, that I had listened to every word. However, I simply disagreed with his opinion that Ben was maliciously trying to make me jealous. I told him that I valued his opinion, but I was in no way obligated to take it as gospel. His response? He claimed that his advice was better than anyone else's, because he has a network of older gay friends that he consults. He claimed that the kind of behavior that Ben supposedly exhibited was par for the course for gay men. Talk about generalizing! I could not believe his pretentiousness. Echos of Ben's "reinventing the wheel" lecture came back to me. "Here's the thing, Cal, I know these things. I have the experience! Blah blah blah!" I also told him that many other people had complimented me on how I was handling the break up, and that I myself felt I was doing pretty fucking fine, thank you very much! That is the first time I can think of that I've EVER cussed during an argument with someone.
I realized that now was the time I needed to broach the subject, the elephant in the room. I asked Brody what the nature of his feelings were for me. He responded that he had indeed had feelings for me, but those feelings had been quelled by my incessant talking about my break-up. I realized that in my mind I had placed Brody in "the friend zone" and thus had felt comfortable talking with him about my situation. It hadn't occurred to me that he might not be the best person to talk about this with in depth.
I felt remorseful that I had hurt him, but at the same time I was still furious about his behavior. On top of all that, he accused me of ducking him the last week, as if we had some kind of standing appointment to hang out! Apparently since we had hung out 1-2 times a week before that, I was expected to continue, and he was hurt that he felt like a "back-up." At this point it was really hitting home for me that our expectations for our friendship are waaay out of whack.
By the time we reached my house we had both calmed down. I tried my best to explain my perspective. I also told him about how I feel that he tends to dominate conversations. He was shocked . . . apparently no one has told him that before. Although he did say that the other night he could tell I wanted to get off the phone but he wanted to keep talking, so he just kept coming up with more to say! I also told him that I absolutely despise being judged or condescended to. I told him if he ever uses that tone with me again I will be running the other way. At one point he started complimenting me, telling me how he had raved about me to his friends and family back home. He had me in tears at one point. I also told him that, since he first met me while I was in the midst of healing from my break-up, that of course he had a negative impression of Ben. What, would I have spent my time telling him about all the good times of our relationship? I realize now I shouldn't have talked about it as much as I did, but damn!
Well it was 4:30 by that point, and I had a hiking date with Nick the next day! So I hit the hay, and tried not to ruminate too much about Brody. He wanted to have dinner the next day, so I said okay . . . thinking it would be an opportunity to see how our "discussion" affected our friendship.
Sunday
Luckily, Nick also had a late night. In fact, he had an even later night than me! He had gone to a party and hadn't left until 6 AM (with some napping mixed in there). I drove to his place and we drove down to the beach to go walking. I like this guy! We have good rapport, he has a good sense of humor, and he's really cute. Plus he's smart and into science. We are also quite different though. He's from the Midwest, and he has a lot of stereotypically masculine hobbies like hunting, fishing, and camping. But he also likes movies and music (though his favorite genre is country, we have some overlap in rock). One thing that would normally be a red flag: I saw a pack of cigarettes in his car. But I don't know, I didn't smell it on him or in his car, so it might just be an occasional thing or he might be trying to quit. I'll reserve judgment there. In any case, we had a fun walk and then went and got food at a place that I knew from a previous date. While sitting across from him I noticed that his eyes are a really beautiful shade of blue, so I complimented him on it. A first for me on a date, haha.
After lunch we drove back to his place and talked in the car for a while. I said we should hang out again soon, and he said he'd like that. No text from him immediately after like on the first date, but that's more of a first date thing, really. Down side is I'm not sure whether he's still interested or if I did/said anything to throw up red flags for him. I did tell him that I just came out over the last year, and that I've had one relationship of eight months (but didn't tell him when it ended). He's been out since seventeen. He actually said that politically he leans to the right, but I assume that's more on the fiscal side of things. I consider myself moderate so that's no deal breaker by any means, as long as he's not a tea partier, haha.
My current plan is to hang out with him again. I plan to go up to LA this weekend though and have plans every night during the latter half of the week, so it will have to wait until next week. I've kind of been slacking on setting up other dates, so he's really my only prospect right now (well except for the far-away guy that texts me periodically . . . he's very interested but I can't say I feel the same, especially now that I remember what it's supposed to feel like when you're interested, haha).
The last event of Sunday: dinner with Brody. I can't say I was feeling very enthusiastic. Our conversation was pleasant, and did feel a bit more reciprocal. I'm not sure if it was a conscious effort on his part or not. Then after dinner he asked what night during the week I might have free. I told him I didn't know, I'd have to check my calendar. Inside I'm thinking really Brody? We just saw each other Friday, Saturday and Sunday. And you acted like an ass to me Saturday night.
I have two options to move forward with Brody.
1) Have a talk with him like I did with my friend Tom way back when. Explain to him that the friendship dynamic is feeling lopsided and I need him to tone it down. I'll ask for a bit of a break from hanging out, and when we resume make it more like once a week, tops. Tom was very understanding when I had such a talk with him, but Brody has the added complication of being gay and likely having some lingering feelings for me. He's at least using me to fill some of his emotional needs. What he really needs are more friends. Or a boyfriend.
2) I can do something I haven't had to do since middle school . . . cut off the friendship. This could get ugly, and would definitely hurt him. But if the friendship is an emotional drain at best, and makes me angry/sad at worst, I've got to do something.
I think Option 1 is feasible. I do like Brody. He's a nice guy, if a bit odd. If I can get him to accept giving me a bit more space, we could perhaps make this work. I'm not sure.
Phew! If you've read this far I congratulate you! And I have even more to talk about, but I'll save it for another time. Good night!
Friday night
I attended an LGBT group that my friend Adam invited me to. Adam is the boyfriend of Howie, who I met back in January. It was fun. I met a bunch of nice people. All of the cute guys were taken though :-) One of the leaders of the group was a really friendly guy who seems very interested to hear my coming out story (I mentioned to him that I just came out over the last year). I invited Brody to go to the group as well, and I think he also enjoyed himself. Everyone was asking us if we were a couple. After dinner the group went bowling. Brody and I tagged along but didn't bowl. At one point I was chatting with someone and got into a conversation about my break-up. Realizing I hadn't shared the latest with Brody, I told him about the whole Facebook relationship status thing with Ben, and how I only checked his profile because he had "liked" things on my page. Brody was convinced that Ben had done it on purpose to lure me to his page, but I disagreed. Ben is mixed-up and anxiety-prone, but he's not malicious.
This wasn't the only disagreement with Brody that night. He was also annoyed at me for seemingly ducking him for the past week. He had texted me earlier in the week to have dinner one night. I had already made plans for almost every night (which doesn't happen that often), so I said possibly Thursday before I met up with another friend for drinks. When Thursday came and that friend had to cancel, I let Brody know that I had more time now. He didn't get back to me until late, so we ended up talking for an hour on the phone instead. Well, mostly he talked and I listened. A lot of the conversation was about a medical condition of his, and I understand it has him worried and he needed to talk it out with someone, so I listened. But by the end of the hour I was getting antsy to get off the phone (I'm really only a fan of lengthy phone conversations if it's someone I haven't talked to in a while or a significant other). I finally had to excuse myself when I detected a pause.
Saturday night
I attended a dance party in Long Beach, on the Queen Mary (an old cruise ship that is now permanently docked and acts as a hotel, museum and event venue). The party was in honor of Long Beach Pride, and I found out about it a month or so ago through Groupon. I thought it would be a fun way to have a good time with some of my new gay friends. I drove up with Brody. Howie and Adam drove separately, since Howie had to work early the next morning. Also joining us was the quiet guy I went out with back in February, as mentioned here. Turns out he already knows Howie. The night started out well. We met at the Pike (good old Pike . . . place where I met you-know-who . . . but the more I go there and form new memories the more the spell is broken) and had dinner. Then we went over to the ship around 11. I got confused coming out of the parking structure and misdirected Brody. We got lost for a while until his GPS got us back on track. Finally we made it to the boat. We went up to the top deck where the party was . . . and waited at least 30 minutes to get drinks. It was insane! It wasn't even the only bar either! They didn't have enough bartenders, and what bartenders they did have were horribly inefficient. While in line I glanced over and saw a pretty cute guy also waiting.
After we FINALLY got our drinks, Brody and I went to find the rest of our group. We stood by the rail to start drinking. I needed to finish one of the cups in my hand so I could text Howie and locate him (he's tall, so I was hoping I could pick him out of the crowd, but no such luck.) To my right was the cute guy from the drink line. Feeling brave, I decided to strike up a conversation, especially since we already had that interminable line experience in common. It ended up being a great idea. He was a visitor from out of town who had come to the party alone to give himself something to do. We chatted for a while, I introduced him to Brody, and then Howie came and found us. I invited the out-of-towner to join our group, and the six of us had our little dance circle for the rest of the night. The guy stood by me the whole time, and neither of us were shy about putting our hands on each other when we wanted to say something.
Howie, Adam and the quiet guy ended up staying for almost the whole night (I found out later that Howie didn't even bother to go to bed before going to work, what a trooper! Ha ha). Brody and I gave my new friend a ride back to his hotel and added him on Facebook so we could share the pictures that were taken. He said that he would let us know the next time he was in California.
This is where the night took a turn for the worse. To inform Brody of how I knew the quiet guy, I began to explain how he was the first guy I went on a date with after my break-up. No sooner had the words left my lips that Brody turned on me. He chewed me out for always talking about my break-up, and said that he was at his wit's end. He said he was "appalled" that I told him about the Ben Facebook situation at the social event on Friday, and then didn't listen to his advice when he gave it. He claimed his advice was ignored, going in one ear and out the other. He also said that my fixation on Ben was "abnormal." I experienced an emotion I have not felt in a LONG time, not even during my phone argument with Ben. I was so angry I was literally shaking. I told him that I had not ignored his advice, that I had listened to every word. However, I simply disagreed with his opinion that Ben was maliciously trying to make me jealous. I told him that I valued his opinion, but I was in no way obligated to take it as gospel. His response? He claimed that his advice was better than anyone else's, because he has a network of older gay friends that he consults. He claimed that the kind of behavior that Ben supposedly exhibited was par for the course for gay men. Talk about generalizing! I could not believe his pretentiousness. Echos of Ben's "reinventing the wheel" lecture came back to me. "Here's the thing, Cal, I know these things. I have the experience! Blah blah blah!" I also told him that many other people had complimented me on how I was handling the break up, and that I myself felt I was doing pretty fucking fine, thank you very much! That is the first time I can think of that I've EVER cussed during an argument with someone.
I realized that now was the time I needed to broach the subject, the elephant in the room. I asked Brody what the nature of his feelings were for me. He responded that he had indeed had feelings for me, but those feelings had been quelled by my incessant talking about my break-up. I realized that in my mind I had placed Brody in "the friend zone" and thus had felt comfortable talking with him about my situation. It hadn't occurred to me that he might not be the best person to talk about this with in depth.
I felt remorseful that I had hurt him, but at the same time I was still furious about his behavior. On top of all that, he accused me of ducking him the last week, as if we had some kind of standing appointment to hang out! Apparently since we had hung out 1-2 times a week before that, I was expected to continue, and he was hurt that he felt like a "back-up." At this point it was really hitting home for me that our expectations for our friendship are waaay out of whack.
By the time we reached my house we had both calmed down. I tried my best to explain my perspective. I also told him about how I feel that he tends to dominate conversations. He was shocked . . . apparently no one has told him that before. Although he did say that the other night he could tell I wanted to get off the phone but he wanted to keep talking, so he just kept coming up with more to say! I also told him that I absolutely despise being judged or condescended to. I told him if he ever uses that tone with me again I will be running the other way. At one point he started complimenting me, telling me how he had raved about me to his friends and family back home. He had me in tears at one point. I also told him that, since he first met me while I was in the midst of healing from my break-up, that of course he had a negative impression of Ben. What, would I have spent my time telling him about all the good times of our relationship? I realize now I shouldn't have talked about it as much as I did, but damn!
Well it was 4:30 by that point, and I had a hiking date with Nick the next day! So I hit the hay, and tried not to ruminate too much about Brody. He wanted to have dinner the next day, so I said okay . . . thinking it would be an opportunity to see how our "discussion" affected our friendship.
Sunday
Luckily, Nick also had a late night. In fact, he had an even later night than me! He had gone to a party and hadn't left until 6 AM (with some napping mixed in there). I drove to his place and we drove down to the beach to go walking. I like this guy! We have good rapport, he has a good sense of humor, and he's really cute. Plus he's smart and into science. We are also quite different though. He's from the Midwest, and he has a lot of stereotypically masculine hobbies like hunting, fishing, and camping. But he also likes movies and music (though his favorite genre is country, we have some overlap in rock). One thing that would normally be a red flag: I saw a pack of cigarettes in his car. But I don't know, I didn't smell it on him or in his car, so it might just be an occasional thing or he might be trying to quit. I'll reserve judgment there. In any case, we had a fun walk and then went and got food at a place that I knew from a previous date. While sitting across from him I noticed that his eyes are a really beautiful shade of blue, so I complimented him on it. A first for me on a date, haha.
After lunch we drove back to his place and talked in the car for a while. I said we should hang out again soon, and he said he'd like that. No text from him immediately after like on the first date, but that's more of a first date thing, really. Down side is I'm not sure whether he's still interested or if I did/said anything to throw up red flags for him. I did tell him that I just came out over the last year, and that I've had one relationship of eight months (but didn't tell him when it ended). He's been out since seventeen. He actually said that politically he leans to the right, but I assume that's more on the fiscal side of things. I consider myself moderate so that's no deal breaker by any means, as long as he's not a tea partier, haha.
My current plan is to hang out with him again. I plan to go up to LA this weekend though and have plans every night during the latter half of the week, so it will have to wait until next week. I've kind of been slacking on setting up other dates, so he's really my only prospect right now (well except for the far-away guy that texts me periodically . . . he's very interested but I can't say I feel the same, especially now that I remember what it's supposed to feel like when you're interested, haha).
The last event of Sunday: dinner with Brody. I can't say I was feeling very enthusiastic. Our conversation was pleasant, and did feel a bit more reciprocal. I'm not sure if it was a conscious effort on his part or not. Then after dinner he asked what night during the week I might have free. I told him I didn't know, I'd have to check my calendar. Inside I'm thinking really Brody? We just saw each other Friday, Saturday and Sunday. And you acted like an ass to me Saturday night.
I have two options to move forward with Brody.
1) Have a talk with him like I did with my friend Tom way back when. Explain to him that the friendship dynamic is feeling lopsided and I need him to tone it down. I'll ask for a bit of a break from hanging out, and when we resume make it more like once a week, tops. Tom was very understanding when I had such a talk with him, but Brody has the added complication of being gay and likely having some lingering feelings for me. He's at least using me to fill some of his emotional needs. What he really needs are more friends. Or a boyfriend.
2) I can do something I haven't had to do since middle school . . . cut off the friendship. This could get ugly, and would definitely hurt him. But if the friendship is an emotional drain at best, and makes me angry/sad at worst, I've got to do something.
I think Option 1 is feasible. I do like Brody. He's a nice guy, if a bit odd. If I can get him to accept giving me a bit more space, we could perhaps make this work. I'm not sure.
Phew! If you've read this far I congratulate you! And I have even more to talk about, but I'll save it for another time. Good night!
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
New prospect perhaps?
Hi all!
I'm in a pretty good mood right now. I had a first date with a new guy tonight and it went really well. We talked for three hours. He's really cute and nice (one of the most attractive guys I've gone out with), great sense of humor, smart, lives close by, and shares some interests with me. He also seems interested in me, as he was the one to make first contact afterward (he texted me to say he hopes we can hang out again sometime). I have a feeling this isn't the last time I'll be writing about him, so I'll assign him a name. Let's call him Nick. He's only been living in SoCal since the fall, so there's still a lot he has yet to do or see. Perhaps I can be the one to show him around? :-)
I'm in a pretty good mood right now. I had a first date with a new guy tonight and it went really well. We talked for three hours. He's really cute and nice (one of the most attractive guys I've gone out with), great sense of humor, smart, lives close by, and shares some interests with me. He also seems interested in me, as he was the one to make first contact afterward (he texted me to say he hopes we can hang out again sometime). I have a feeling this isn't the last time I'll be writing about him, so I'll assign him a name. Let's call him Nick. He's only been living in SoCal since the fall, so there's still a lot he has yet to do or see. Perhaps I can be the one to show him around? :-)
Monday, May 13, 2013
A little bit calmer now
Okay, I've settled down a bit after the emotional roller coaster of last week. I've recaptured the sense of forgiveness that had barely had time to blossom before it was . . . interrupted.
I recognize that Ben's new bf was likely the one who initiated the "in a relationship with" status on Facebook. Ben didn't do it, and for all I know he's uncomfortable with how fast the new guy is moving. If our relationship is any indication I'd say that's a likely scenario.
Though I'm not all bitter and resentful anymore I'm still in no hurry to seek friendship so don't worry, that hasn't gone away. I still would like to try someday though. If only to give myself some peace of mind, to know that I tried. I recognize that I need to heal a lot more first.
In the meantime I have learned my lesson. No checking Ben's profile, even if he "likes" or comments on mine (and if he does it again I will probably ask him to refrain for the time being).
I find myself constantly looking up articles about "How to get over your ex," "How to heal from heartbreak," etc. At three and a half months I'm a little concerned about how bad I'm still feeling. I've had not one, but two dreams lately about us being back together (only to wake up to disappointment). However, I try to remind myself several things.
1. This was no run of the mill break-up. It was my first relationship, with a person who I truly loved (and who told me he loved me first), that ended in a blindside and was followed by some rather hurtful behavior on his part. I try to tell myself, "Cut yourself some slack, Cal! Everyone heals at their own rate, and you're a sensitive, trusting guy! Don't push yourself!"
2. The revelation about Daniel Newguy was just a week ago, so really I'm not JUST recovering from the break-up right now.
Reminding myself of those things helps. Keeping busy does too. I went to a local improv comedy event over the weekend which was a ton of fun. Saw some great shows and participated in some fun workshops.
I'm meeting up with a new guy tomorrow finally, after a two week dating dry spell. He seems really nice, and he's into science (a graduate student). We'll see how that goes. New friend maybe?
This weekend should be exciting. I am trying to connect with the gay community in ways other than online dating. Friday I'm going to go to a meet up of a local LGBT group that a friend invited me to. Saturday I'm going to go to the Pride celebration in Long Beach. This will be my very first Pride (well other than the ones we inadvertently passed by in Europe, haha)
Hanging in there!
I recognize that Ben's new bf was likely the one who initiated the "in a relationship with" status on Facebook. Ben didn't do it, and for all I know he's uncomfortable with how fast the new guy is moving. If our relationship is any indication I'd say that's a likely scenario.
Though I'm not all bitter and resentful anymore I'm still in no hurry to seek friendship so don't worry, that hasn't gone away. I still would like to try someday though. If only to give myself some peace of mind, to know that I tried. I recognize that I need to heal a lot more first.
In the meantime I have learned my lesson. No checking Ben's profile, even if he "likes" or comments on mine (and if he does it again I will probably ask him to refrain for the time being).
I find myself constantly looking up articles about "How to get over your ex," "How to heal from heartbreak," etc. At three and a half months I'm a little concerned about how bad I'm still feeling. I've had not one, but two dreams lately about us being back together (only to wake up to disappointment). However, I try to remind myself several things.
1. This was no run of the mill break-up. It was my first relationship, with a person who I truly loved (and who told me he loved me first), that ended in a blindside and was followed by some rather hurtful behavior on his part. I try to tell myself, "Cut yourself some slack, Cal! Everyone heals at their own rate, and you're a sensitive, trusting guy! Don't push yourself!"
2. The revelation about Daniel Newguy was just a week ago, so really I'm not JUST recovering from the break-up right now.
Reminding myself of those things helps. Keeping busy does too. I went to a local improv comedy event over the weekend which was a ton of fun. Saw some great shows and participated in some fun workshops.
I'm meeting up with a new guy tomorrow finally, after a two week dating dry spell. He seems really nice, and he's into science (a graduate student). We'll see how that goes. New friend maybe?
This weekend should be exciting. I am trying to connect with the gay community in ways other than online dating. Friday I'm going to go to a meet up of a local LGBT group that a friend invited me to. Saturday I'm going to go to the Pride celebration in Long Beach. This will be my very first Pride (well other than the ones we inadvertently passed by in Europe, haha)
Hanging in there!
Thursday, May 9, 2013
Over now
As is always the case, I feel better today after talking to a few friends and family members.
I hesitate to write more about the Ben situation. He told me he wouldn't read my blog anymore . . . but he also told me a lot of things that weren't true. He's an impulsive person, who is likely dealing with some cognitive dissonance after dragging my emotions through the wringer, and here there's a site with his ex-boyfriend opening up about all the pain he's caused. Now that I've stopped communication with him, does he have the willpower to refrain from sneaking a peek? I don't know. I feel like one of my biggest errors was sharing this URL with him. Yes, it made the first conversation we had more straight-forward, but it probably also added to his guilt and anxiety. Oh well. What's done is done.
I am definitely learning a lesson about letting others negatively affect my life. The latest turn of events has somehow made me feel more powerful. I think I know why. By publicly announcing his rebound relationship practically on the would-have-been anniversary of our relationship, I feel like Ben has hit a new low. That is not classy, and I have lost a good deal of respect for him. I feel like the much bigger man, because I can't imagine myself ever doing such a thing. Now, you guys are right. I don't know the details of this relationship. I don't feel jealous about it . . . the odds are not in favor of it being a successful one. I know I can't read Ben's mind. But any way you look at it, it's kind of fucked up.
I am a forgiving person and I'm sure I will come around eventually. I do not like to hold grudges. I've done it before and the negativity just doesn't feel healthy. It is in my nature to give him the benefit of the doubt, so I will. He probably didn't even think of the timing. He probably got caught up in the excitement of his new relationship, which is probably with someone who has helped him get over whatever lingering guilt and regret he might be feeling over what he did to our relationship. Just like a year ago I helped him get over his career stress. And I don't think his poking around on my Facebook and liking things was an attempt to draw my attention to his new status, even though that's what happened. He probably saw my "Forgiveness" video and thought it was in response to his relationship status . . . though I had posted it prior to finding out. So he probably felt safe to test the waters, to send some (minuscule) good will my way. Kind of funny, actually, this whole situation.
The silver lining: I've been cured of my desire to seek friendship with him. I'm now willing to just go with the flow. There are a hundred other things that are more important than focusing on how to be friends with someone who can't even show a little courtesy toward someone that once loved him.
I hesitate to write more about the Ben situation. He told me he wouldn't read my blog anymore . . . but he also told me a lot of things that weren't true. He's an impulsive person, who is likely dealing with some cognitive dissonance after dragging my emotions through the wringer, and here there's a site with his ex-boyfriend opening up about all the pain he's caused. Now that I've stopped communication with him, does he have the willpower to refrain from sneaking a peek? I don't know. I feel like one of my biggest errors was sharing this URL with him. Yes, it made the first conversation we had more straight-forward, but it probably also added to his guilt and anxiety. Oh well. What's done is done.
I am definitely learning a lesson about letting others negatively affect my life. The latest turn of events has somehow made me feel more powerful. I think I know why. By publicly announcing his rebound relationship practically on the would-have-been anniversary of our relationship, I feel like Ben has hit a new low. That is not classy, and I have lost a good deal of respect for him. I feel like the much bigger man, because I can't imagine myself ever doing such a thing. Now, you guys are right. I don't know the details of this relationship. I don't feel jealous about it . . . the odds are not in favor of it being a successful one. I know I can't read Ben's mind. But any way you look at it, it's kind of fucked up.
I am a forgiving person and I'm sure I will come around eventually. I do not like to hold grudges. I've done it before and the negativity just doesn't feel healthy. It is in my nature to give him the benefit of the doubt, so I will. He probably didn't even think of the timing. He probably got caught up in the excitement of his new relationship, which is probably with someone who has helped him get over whatever lingering guilt and regret he might be feeling over what he did to our relationship. Just like a year ago I helped him get over his career stress. And I don't think his poking around on my Facebook and liking things was an attempt to draw my attention to his new status, even though that's what happened. He probably saw my "Forgiveness" video and thought it was in response to his relationship status . . . though I had posted it prior to finding out. So he probably felt safe to test the waters, to send some (minuscule) good will my way. Kind of funny, actually, this whole situation.
The silver lining: I've been cured of my desire to seek friendship with him. I'm now willing to just go with the flow. There are a hundred other things that are more important than focusing on how to be friends with someone who can't even show a little courtesy toward someone that once loved him.
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Happy Coulda Shoulda Wouldaversary!
Dating has dried up. Alex hasn't been in contact, although he did accept my FB friend request. I did not get the impression that he's particularly into me. Oh well. I'm chatting with a couple of new guys lately.
I've still been hanging out with Brody quite a lot, but I'm even more sure that I don't see him as relationship material. We're just too different. While I do enjoy his company and he is a super sweet guy, the conversation dynamic is still just too unbalanced between us. I spend way too much time listening and nodding my head. Also, our intellectual interests are quite far removed. Though he does like science, he also believes quite strongly in the paranormal. A mild belief in the supernatural is fine. Ben professed a belief in some type of ghosts on occasion. Brody, on the other hand, believes that he has experienced multiple supernatural occurrences in his life, and professed an annoyance for "skeptics." I personally consider myself a skeptic (in fact, I attended a freethinker/skeptic/atheist conference with Janice on Saturday, it was quite interesting), and I think I might find such a passionate belief in the supernatural to be a little annoying. Brody hasn't pushed for taking our friendship any farther, but if he does I will probably politely decline. Of course, he is generally enthusiastic about relationships of any kind, so he might not even desire that at all. Who knows. As of now, I've been enjoying getting to know him, and he has definitely been helping me relieve my loneliness and get over Ben.
My ambitious plan to fill Cinco de Mayo with fun activities didn't pan out. I don't remember if I wrote about it on this blog, but since Cinco de Mayo would have been my one-year anniversary with Ben, I wanted to distract myself all day long. Between the food festival, frozen yogurt, improv show, and drinks at the bar last year, Cinco de Mayo was a blast. I wanted this year to compete. However, an unexpectedly crappy change in weather put the kibosh on my beach plans with Brody. However, even though I ended up spending most of the day doing chores and watching TV around the house, I actually didn't mind. I realized that trying to compete with last year would have made the day all about Ben. However, instead it was a normal day, and I actually felt pretty good for most of the day.
That was then. As is always the case, it's when you finally feel like you're making progress that something comes from behind and nails you.
Today I noticed on Facebook that Ben had "liked" one of my statuses from last week. When I first saw it I had quite a powerful reaction in my gut. This was the first time he's made any kind of "like" or post on my profile since the breakup. Guess he still has the power to trigger me. Bummer. Still, after talking to Janice over the weekend about him I felt like I had made a lot of progress toward forgiving him for the hurt he had caused me, and also toward accepting that his feelings are gone and aren't coming back. I had earlier even posted the song "Forgiveness" by Collective Soul on my wall to signify my progress. So I decided, since he had made this small semi-contact, to check out his profile page to see what he's been up to.
As of May 3rd: "In a relationship with Daniel Newguy."
I think I took it alright at first. Hey, at least since I removed him from my newsfeed I didn't see it the day of. If that had happened I would have known on May 5th. Of course, it hasn't left my mind since. My main negative reaction has been along the lines of "No fair! Why is it so hard for me to find someone else I click with, while the jerk who blindsided me finds someone almost immediately?"
I'm trying to be happy for him. Despite the fact that it is just over 3 months since he dumped me. Despite the fact that not long ago he was on OkCupid listed as "straight." Despite the fact that I am MAJORLY skeptical that this relationship is going to last. He couldn't have possibly resolved his issues by now, and even if he feels more of a "spark" with this new guy then he did with me he's bound to still experience anxiety and doubt in a couple months if he isn't already. And I doubt he has magically learned good relationship communication skills in the last 3 months. Nor has he reevaluated his limiting relationship beliefs and begun to put more weight on compatibility, common interests and values, and similarities in temperament over buzzwords like PASSION, SPARK, and CHEMISTRY (although I am softening on chemistry . . . I understand what it means to me and we had it in droves. I don't care what he says.) God speed and good luck, Daniel Newguy. May you get out of the relationship relatively unscathed, unlike some of us.
I spoke with Janice on the phone and she agrees. In fact, she unfriended Ben when she saw his relationship status change. She feels it was a total dick move to declare his new relationship two days before Cinco de Mayo when he knew the significance of that date to me. She has a pet peeve for people not acknowledging the importance of certain days to others. Granted I wasn't following him on Facebook so I wouldn't have known, but he doesn't know that. I find it quite humorous that she is more mad about it than I am. Maybe I'm just getting desensitized by all of the curveballs that Ben has thrown at me since the breakup. Signing up on the dating site within a week, rejecting my month-after olive branch and limiting me to once-a-month contact (which I haven't done since mid-March, I'm not interested in jumping through hoops to be his friend), talking condescendingly to me like Tom Cruise in an interview with Matt Lauer, switching his dating site orientation from bi to straight to gay, having his best friends come visit and excluding me from finally meeting them (I know that's to be expected, but it still hurt), telling me in an email about coming to my town without having dropped a line (why was that necessary?), and now jumping into another gay relationship. Phew.
So as of right now, my willingness to pursue friendship with Ben has taken yet another hit. It's a shame since I think we have the potential to be great friends, but right now I can't think of him as much other than an impulsive, erratic, self-serving jerk. Intellectually I know this is not true (well the impulsive part definitely is). But until my emotions calm down I see nothing but negativity and frustration coming from him. That, and the fact that he has a new boyfriend complicates things.
I can think of only one song that is appropriate for this entry.
PS Ben, if for some reason you read this (despite your assertions that you would no longer read my blog), I apologize for the harsh words. This is definitely the harshest I have been to you. It is my opinion that you are not ready for another relationship. You need to do some serious introspection and maybe seek counseling to understand what happened with us first. I am really worried that you are just going to hurt this guy like you hurt me. You deserve a quality, lasting relationship, but jumping into another relationship right after screwing up the first one is not the way to go about it. Please think of the new guy's feelings, and if you have any doubt about him LEAVE HIM NOW before he gets devastated later.
I've still been hanging out with Brody quite a lot, but I'm even more sure that I don't see him as relationship material. We're just too different. While I do enjoy his company and he is a super sweet guy, the conversation dynamic is still just too unbalanced between us. I spend way too much time listening and nodding my head. Also, our intellectual interests are quite far removed. Though he does like science, he also believes quite strongly in the paranormal. A mild belief in the supernatural is fine. Ben professed a belief in some type of ghosts on occasion. Brody, on the other hand, believes that he has experienced multiple supernatural occurrences in his life, and professed an annoyance for "skeptics." I personally consider myself a skeptic (in fact, I attended a freethinker/skeptic/atheist conference with Janice on Saturday, it was quite interesting), and I think I might find such a passionate belief in the supernatural to be a little annoying. Brody hasn't pushed for taking our friendship any farther, but if he does I will probably politely decline. Of course, he is generally enthusiastic about relationships of any kind, so he might not even desire that at all. Who knows. As of now, I've been enjoying getting to know him, and he has definitely been helping me relieve my loneliness and get over Ben.
My ambitious plan to fill Cinco de Mayo with fun activities didn't pan out. I don't remember if I wrote about it on this blog, but since Cinco de Mayo would have been my one-year anniversary with Ben, I wanted to distract myself all day long. Between the food festival, frozen yogurt, improv show, and drinks at the bar last year, Cinco de Mayo was a blast. I wanted this year to compete. However, an unexpectedly crappy change in weather put the kibosh on my beach plans with Brody. However, even though I ended up spending most of the day doing chores and watching TV around the house, I actually didn't mind. I realized that trying to compete with last year would have made the day all about Ben. However, instead it was a normal day, and I actually felt pretty good for most of the day.
That was then. As is always the case, it's when you finally feel like you're making progress that something comes from behind and nails you.
Today I noticed on Facebook that Ben had "liked" one of my statuses from last week. When I first saw it I had quite a powerful reaction in my gut. This was the first time he's made any kind of "like" or post on my profile since the breakup. Guess he still has the power to trigger me. Bummer. Still, after talking to Janice over the weekend about him I felt like I had made a lot of progress toward forgiving him for the hurt he had caused me, and also toward accepting that his feelings are gone and aren't coming back. I had earlier even posted the song "Forgiveness" by Collective Soul on my wall to signify my progress. So I decided, since he had made this small semi-contact, to check out his profile page to see what he's been up to.
As of May 3rd: "In a relationship with Daniel Newguy."
I think I took it alright at first. Hey, at least since I removed him from my newsfeed I didn't see it the day of. If that had happened I would have known on May 5th. Of course, it hasn't left my mind since. My main negative reaction has been along the lines of "No fair! Why is it so hard for me to find someone else I click with, while the jerk who blindsided me finds someone almost immediately?"
I'm trying to be happy for him. Despite the fact that it is just over 3 months since he dumped me. Despite the fact that not long ago he was on OkCupid listed as "straight." Despite the fact that I am MAJORLY skeptical that this relationship is going to last. He couldn't have possibly resolved his issues by now, and even if he feels more of a "spark" with this new guy then he did with me he's bound to still experience anxiety and doubt in a couple months if he isn't already. And I doubt he has magically learned good relationship communication skills in the last 3 months. Nor has he reevaluated his limiting relationship beliefs and begun to put more weight on compatibility, common interests and values, and similarities in temperament over buzzwords like PASSION, SPARK, and CHEMISTRY (although I am softening on chemistry . . . I understand what it means to me and we had it in droves. I don't care what he says.) God speed and good luck, Daniel Newguy. May you get out of the relationship relatively unscathed, unlike some of us.
I spoke with Janice on the phone and she agrees. In fact, she unfriended Ben when she saw his relationship status change. She feels it was a total dick move to declare his new relationship two days before Cinco de Mayo when he knew the significance of that date to me. She has a pet peeve for people not acknowledging the importance of certain days to others. Granted I wasn't following him on Facebook so I wouldn't have known, but he doesn't know that. I find it quite humorous that she is more mad about it than I am. Maybe I'm just getting desensitized by all of the curveballs that Ben has thrown at me since the breakup. Signing up on the dating site within a week, rejecting my month-after olive branch and limiting me to once-a-month contact (which I haven't done since mid-March, I'm not interested in jumping through hoops to be his friend), talking condescendingly to me like Tom Cruise in an interview with Matt Lauer, switching his dating site orientation from bi to straight to gay, having his best friends come visit and excluding me from finally meeting them (I know that's to be expected, but it still hurt), telling me in an email about coming to my town without having dropped a line (why was that necessary?), and now jumping into another gay relationship. Phew.
So as of right now, my willingness to pursue friendship with Ben has taken yet another hit. It's a shame since I think we have the potential to be great friends, but right now I can't think of him as much other than an impulsive, erratic, self-serving jerk. Intellectually I know this is not true (well the impulsive part definitely is). But until my emotions calm down I see nothing but negativity and frustration coming from him. That, and the fact that he has a new boyfriend complicates things.
I can think of only one song that is appropriate for this entry.
PS Ben, if for some reason you read this (despite your assertions that you would no longer read my blog), I apologize for the harsh words. This is definitely the harshest I have been to you. It is my opinion that you are not ready for another relationship. You need to do some serious introspection and maybe seek counseling to understand what happened with us first. I am really worried that you are just going to hurt this guy like you hurt me. You deserve a quality, lasting relationship, but jumping into another relationship right after screwing up the first one is not the way to go about it. Please think of the new guy's feelings, and if you have any doubt about him LEAVE HIM NOW before he gets devastated later.
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