Okay, I've settled down a bit after the emotional roller coaster of last week. I've recaptured the sense of forgiveness that had barely had time to blossom before it was . . . interrupted.
I recognize that Ben's new bf was likely the one who initiated the "in a relationship with" status on Facebook. Ben didn't do it, and for all I know he's uncomfortable with how fast the new guy is moving. If our relationship is any indication I'd say that's a likely scenario.
Though I'm not all bitter and resentful anymore I'm still in no hurry to seek friendship so don't worry, that hasn't gone away. I still would like to try someday though. If only to give myself some peace of mind, to know that I tried. I recognize that I need to heal a lot more first.
In the meantime I have learned my lesson. No checking Ben's profile, even if he "likes" or comments on mine (and if he does it again I will probably ask him to refrain for the time being).
I find myself constantly looking up articles about "How to get over your ex," "How to heal from heartbreak," etc. At three and a half months I'm a little concerned about how bad I'm still feeling. I've had not one, but two dreams lately about us being back together (only to wake up to disappointment). However, I try to remind myself several things.
1. This was no run of the mill break-up. It was my first relationship, with a person who I truly loved (and who told me he loved me first), that ended in a blindside and was followed by some rather hurtful behavior on his part. I try to tell myself, "Cut yourself some slack, Cal! Everyone heals at their own rate, and you're a sensitive, trusting guy! Don't push yourself!"
2. The revelation about Daniel Newguy was just a week ago, so really I'm not JUST recovering from the break-up right now.
Reminding myself of those things helps. Keeping busy does too. I went to a local improv comedy event over the weekend which was a ton of fun. Saw some great shows and participated in some fun workshops.
I'm meeting up with a new guy tomorrow finally, after a two week dating dry spell. He seems really nice, and he's into science (a graduate student). We'll see how that goes. New friend maybe?
This weekend should be exciting. I am trying to connect with the gay community in ways other than online dating. Friday I'm going to go to a meet up of a local LGBT group that a friend invited me to. Saturday I'm going to go to the Pride celebration in Long Beach. This will be my very first Pride (well other than the ones we inadvertently passed by in Europe, haha)
Hanging in there!
Monday, May 13, 2013
Thursday, May 9, 2013
Over now
As is always the case, I feel better today after talking to a few friends and family members.
I hesitate to write more about the Ben situation. He told me he wouldn't read my blog anymore . . . but he also told me a lot of things that weren't true. He's an impulsive person, who is likely dealing with some cognitive dissonance after dragging my emotions through the wringer, and here there's a site with his ex-boyfriend opening up about all the pain he's caused. Now that I've stopped communication with him, does he have the willpower to refrain from sneaking a peek? I don't know. I feel like one of my biggest errors was sharing this URL with him. Yes, it made the first conversation we had more straight-forward, but it probably also added to his guilt and anxiety. Oh well. What's done is done.
I am definitely learning a lesson about letting others negatively affect my life. The latest turn of events has somehow made me feel more powerful. I think I know why. By publicly announcing his rebound relationship practically on the would-have-been anniversary of our relationship, I feel like Ben has hit a new low. That is not classy, and I have lost a good deal of respect for him. I feel like the much bigger man, because I can't imagine myself ever doing such a thing. Now, you guys are right. I don't know the details of this relationship. I don't feel jealous about it . . . the odds are not in favor of it being a successful one. I know I can't read Ben's mind. But any way you look at it, it's kind of fucked up.
I am a forgiving person and I'm sure I will come around eventually. I do not like to hold grudges. I've done it before and the negativity just doesn't feel healthy. It is in my nature to give him the benefit of the doubt, so I will. He probably didn't even think of the timing. He probably got caught up in the excitement of his new relationship, which is probably with someone who has helped him get over whatever lingering guilt and regret he might be feeling over what he did to our relationship. Just like a year ago I helped him get over his career stress. And I don't think his poking around on my Facebook and liking things was an attempt to draw my attention to his new status, even though that's what happened. He probably saw my "Forgiveness" video and thought it was in response to his relationship status . . . though I had posted it prior to finding out. So he probably felt safe to test the waters, to send some (minuscule) good will my way. Kind of funny, actually, this whole situation.
The silver lining: I've been cured of my desire to seek friendship with him. I'm now willing to just go with the flow. There are a hundred other things that are more important than focusing on how to be friends with someone who can't even show a little courtesy toward someone that once loved him.
I hesitate to write more about the Ben situation. He told me he wouldn't read my blog anymore . . . but he also told me a lot of things that weren't true. He's an impulsive person, who is likely dealing with some cognitive dissonance after dragging my emotions through the wringer, and here there's a site with his ex-boyfriend opening up about all the pain he's caused. Now that I've stopped communication with him, does he have the willpower to refrain from sneaking a peek? I don't know. I feel like one of my biggest errors was sharing this URL with him. Yes, it made the first conversation we had more straight-forward, but it probably also added to his guilt and anxiety. Oh well. What's done is done.
I am definitely learning a lesson about letting others negatively affect my life. The latest turn of events has somehow made me feel more powerful. I think I know why. By publicly announcing his rebound relationship practically on the would-have-been anniversary of our relationship, I feel like Ben has hit a new low. That is not classy, and I have lost a good deal of respect for him. I feel like the much bigger man, because I can't imagine myself ever doing such a thing. Now, you guys are right. I don't know the details of this relationship. I don't feel jealous about it . . . the odds are not in favor of it being a successful one. I know I can't read Ben's mind. But any way you look at it, it's kind of fucked up.
I am a forgiving person and I'm sure I will come around eventually. I do not like to hold grudges. I've done it before and the negativity just doesn't feel healthy. It is in my nature to give him the benefit of the doubt, so I will. He probably didn't even think of the timing. He probably got caught up in the excitement of his new relationship, which is probably with someone who has helped him get over whatever lingering guilt and regret he might be feeling over what he did to our relationship. Just like a year ago I helped him get over his career stress. And I don't think his poking around on my Facebook and liking things was an attempt to draw my attention to his new status, even though that's what happened. He probably saw my "Forgiveness" video and thought it was in response to his relationship status . . . though I had posted it prior to finding out. So he probably felt safe to test the waters, to send some (minuscule) good will my way. Kind of funny, actually, this whole situation.
The silver lining: I've been cured of my desire to seek friendship with him. I'm now willing to just go with the flow. There are a hundred other things that are more important than focusing on how to be friends with someone who can't even show a little courtesy toward someone that once loved him.
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Happy Coulda Shoulda Wouldaversary!
Dating has dried up. Alex hasn't been in contact, although he did accept my FB friend request. I did not get the impression that he's particularly into me. Oh well. I'm chatting with a couple of new guys lately.
I've still been hanging out with Brody quite a lot, but I'm even more sure that I don't see him as relationship material. We're just too different. While I do enjoy his company and he is a super sweet guy, the conversation dynamic is still just too unbalanced between us. I spend way too much time listening and nodding my head. Also, our intellectual interests are quite far removed. Though he does like science, he also believes quite strongly in the paranormal. A mild belief in the supernatural is fine. Ben professed a belief in some type of ghosts on occasion. Brody, on the other hand, believes that he has experienced multiple supernatural occurrences in his life, and professed an annoyance for "skeptics." I personally consider myself a skeptic (in fact, I attended a freethinker/skeptic/atheist conference with Janice on Saturday, it was quite interesting), and I think I might find such a passionate belief in the supernatural to be a little annoying. Brody hasn't pushed for taking our friendship any farther, but if he does I will probably politely decline. Of course, he is generally enthusiastic about relationships of any kind, so he might not even desire that at all. Who knows. As of now, I've been enjoying getting to know him, and he has definitely been helping me relieve my loneliness and get over Ben.
My ambitious plan to fill Cinco de Mayo with fun activities didn't pan out. I don't remember if I wrote about it on this blog, but since Cinco de Mayo would have been my one-year anniversary with Ben, I wanted to distract myself all day long. Between the food festival, frozen yogurt, improv show, and drinks at the bar last year, Cinco de Mayo was a blast. I wanted this year to compete. However, an unexpectedly crappy change in weather put the kibosh on my beach plans with Brody. However, even though I ended up spending most of the day doing chores and watching TV around the house, I actually didn't mind. I realized that trying to compete with last year would have made the day all about Ben. However, instead it was a normal day, and I actually felt pretty good for most of the day.
That was then. As is always the case, it's when you finally feel like you're making progress that something comes from behind and nails you.
Today I noticed on Facebook that Ben had "liked" one of my statuses from last week. When I first saw it I had quite a powerful reaction in my gut. This was the first time he's made any kind of "like" or post on my profile since the breakup. Guess he still has the power to trigger me. Bummer. Still, after talking to Janice over the weekend about him I felt like I had made a lot of progress toward forgiving him for the hurt he had caused me, and also toward accepting that his feelings are gone and aren't coming back. I had earlier even posted the song "Forgiveness" by Collective Soul on my wall to signify my progress. So I decided, since he had made this small semi-contact, to check out his profile page to see what he's been up to.
As of May 3rd: "In a relationship with Daniel Newguy."
I think I took it alright at first. Hey, at least since I removed him from my newsfeed I didn't see it the day of. If that had happened I would have known on May 5th. Of course, it hasn't left my mind since. My main negative reaction has been along the lines of "No fair! Why is it so hard for me to find someone else I click with, while the jerk who blindsided me finds someone almost immediately?"
I'm trying to be happy for him. Despite the fact that it is just over 3 months since he dumped me. Despite the fact that not long ago he was on OkCupid listed as "straight." Despite the fact that I am MAJORLY skeptical that this relationship is going to last. He couldn't have possibly resolved his issues by now, and even if he feels more of a "spark" with this new guy then he did with me he's bound to still experience anxiety and doubt in a couple months if he isn't already. And I doubt he has magically learned good relationship communication skills in the last 3 months. Nor has he reevaluated his limiting relationship beliefs and begun to put more weight on compatibility, common interests and values, and similarities in temperament over buzzwords like PASSION, SPARK, and CHEMISTRY (although I am softening on chemistry . . . I understand what it means to me and we had it in droves. I don't care what he says.) God speed and good luck, Daniel Newguy. May you get out of the relationship relatively unscathed, unlike some of us.
I spoke with Janice on the phone and she agrees. In fact, she unfriended Ben when she saw his relationship status change. She feels it was a total dick move to declare his new relationship two days before Cinco de Mayo when he knew the significance of that date to me. She has a pet peeve for people not acknowledging the importance of certain days to others. Granted I wasn't following him on Facebook so I wouldn't have known, but he doesn't know that. I find it quite humorous that she is more mad about it than I am. Maybe I'm just getting desensitized by all of the curveballs that Ben has thrown at me since the breakup. Signing up on the dating site within a week, rejecting my month-after olive branch and limiting me to once-a-month contact (which I haven't done since mid-March, I'm not interested in jumping through hoops to be his friend), talking condescendingly to me like Tom Cruise in an interview with Matt Lauer, switching his dating site orientation from bi to straight to gay, having his best friends come visit and excluding me from finally meeting them (I know that's to be expected, but it still hurt), telling me in an email about coming to my town without having dropped a line (why was that necessary?), and now jumping into another gay relationship. Phew.
So as of right now, my willingness to pursue friendship with Ben has taken yet another hit. It's a shame since I think we have the potential to be great friends, but right now I can't think of him as much other than an impulsive, erratic, self-serving jerk. Intellectually I know this is not true (well the impulsive part definitely is). But until my emotions calm down I see nothing but negativity and frustration coming from him. That, and the fact that he has a new boyfriend complicates things.
I can think of only one song that is appropriate for this entry.
PS Ben, if for some reason you read this (despite your assertions that you would no longer read my blog), I apologize for the harsh words. This is definitely the harshest I have been to you. It is my opinion that you are not ready for another relationship. You need to do some serious introspection and maybe seek counseling to understand what happened with us first. I am really worried that you are just going to hurt this guy like you hurt me. You deserve a quality, lasting relationship, but jumping into another relationship right after screwing up the first one is not the way to go about it. Please think of the new guy's feelings, and if you have any doubt about him LEAVE HIM NOW before he gets devastated later.
I've still been hanging out with Brody quite a lot, but I'm even more sure that I don't see him as relationship material. We're just too different. While I do enjoy his company and he is a super sweet guy, the conversation dynamic is still just too unbalanced between us. I spend way too much time listening and nodding my head. Also, our intellectual interests are quite far removed. Though he does like science, he also believes quite strongly in the paranormal. A mild belief in the supernatural is fine. Ben professed a belief in some type of ghosts on occasion. Brody, on the other hand, believes that he has experienced multiple supernatural occurrences in his life, and professed an annoyance for "skeptics." I personally consider myself a skeptic (in fact, I attended a freethinker/skeptic/atheist conference with Janice on Saturday, it was quite interesting), and I think I might find such a passionate belief in the supernatural to be a little annoying. Brody hasn't pushed for taking our friendship any farther, but if he does I will probably politely decline. Of course, he is generally enthusiastic about relationships of any kind, so he might not even desire that at all. Who knows. As of now, I've been enjoying getting to know him, and he has definitely been helping me relieve my loneliness and get over Ben.
My ambitious plan to fill Cinco de Mayo with fun activities didn't pan out. I don't remember if I wrote about it on this blog, but since Cinco de Mayo would have been my one-year anniversary with Ben, I wanted to distract myself all day long. Between the food festival, frozen yogurt, improv show, and drinks at the bar last year, Cinco de Mayo was a blast. I wanted this year to compete. However, an unexpectedly crappy change in weather put the kibosh on my beach plans with Brody. However, even though I ended up spending most of the day doing chores and watching TV around the house, I actually didn't mind. I realized that trying to compete with last year would have made the day all about Ben. However, instead it was a normal day, and I actually felt pretty good for most of the day.
That was then. As is always the case, it's when you finally feel like you're making progress that something comes from behind and nails you.
Today I noticed on Facebook that Ben had "liked" one of my statuses from last week. When I first saw it I had quite a powerful reaction in my gut. This was the first time he's made any kind of "like" or post on my profile since the breakup. Guess he still has the power to trigger me. Bummer. Still, after talking to Janice over the weekend about him I felt like I had made a lot of progress toward forgiving him for the hurt he had caused me, and also toward accepting that his feelings are gone and aren't coming back. I had earlier even posted the song "Forgiveness" by Collective Soul on my wall to signify my progress. So I decided, since he had made this small semi-contact, to check out his profile page to see what he's been up to.
As of May 3rd: "In a relationship with Daniel Newguy."
I think I took it alright at first. Hey, at least since I removed him from my newsfeed I didn't see it the day of. If that had happened I would have known on May 5th. Of course, it hasn't left my mind since. My main negative reaction has been along the lines of "No fair! Why is it so hard for me to find someone else I click with, while the jerk who blindsided me finds someone almost immediately?"
I'm trying to be happy for him. Despite the fact that it is just over 3 months since he dumped me. Despite the fact that not long ago he was on OkCupid listed as "straight." Despite the fact that I am MAJORLY skeptical that this relationship is going to last. He couldn't have possibly resolved his issues by now, and even if he feels more of a "spark" with this new guy then he did with me he's bound to still experience anxiety and doubt in a couple months if he isn't already. And I doubt he has magically learned good relationship communication skills in the last 3 months. Nor has he reevaluated his limiting relationship beliefs and begun to put more weight on compatibility, common interests and values, and similarities in temperament over buzzwords like PASSION, SPARK, and CHEMISTRY (although I am softening on chemistry . . . I understand what it means to me and we had it in droves. I don't care what he says.) God speed and good luck, Daniel Newguy. May you get out of the relationship relatively unscathed, unlike some of us.
I spoke with Janice on the phone and she agrees. In fact, she unfriended Ben when she saw his relationship status change. She feels it was a total dick move to declare his new relationship two days before Cinco de Mayo when he knew the significance of that date to me. She has a pet peeve for people not acknowledging the importance of certain days to others. Granted I wasn't following him on Facebook so I wouldn't have known, but he doesn't know that. I find it quite humorous that she is more mad about it than I am. Maybe I'm just getting desensitized by all of the curveballs that Ben has thrown at me since the breakup. Signing up on the dating site within a week, rejecting my month-after olive branch and limiting me to once-a-month contact (which I haven't done since mid-March, I'm not interested in jumping through hoops to be his friend), talking condescendingly to me like Tom Cruise in an interview with Matt Lauer, switching his dating site orientation from bi to straight to gay, having his best friends come visit and excluding me from finally meeting them (I know that's to be expected, but it still hurt), telling me in an email about coming to my town without having dropped a line (why was that necessary?), and now jumping into another gay relationship. Phew.
So as of right now, my willingness to pursue friendship with Ben has taken yet another hit. It's a shame since I think we have the potential to be great friends, but right now I can't think of him as much other than an impulsive, erratic, self-serving jerk. Intellectually I know this is not true (well the impulsive part definitely is). But until my emotions calm down I see nothing but negativity and frustration coming from him. That, and the fact that he has a new boyfriend complicates things.
I can think of only one song that is appropriate for this entry.
PS Ben, if for some reason you read this (despite your assertions that you would no longer read my blog), I apologize for the harsh words. This is definitely the harshest I have been to you. It is my opinion that you are not ready for another relationship. You need to do some serious introspection and maybe seek counseling to understand what happened with us first. I am really worried that you are just going to hurt this guy like you hurt me. You deserve a quality, lasting relationship, but jumping into another relationship right after screwing up the first one is not the way to go about it. Please think of the new guy's feelings, and if you have any doubt about him LEAVE HIM NOW before he gets devastated later.
Sunday, April 21, 2013
Good times with good friends
I had a great weekend. But first, flashback to last weekend. I had started an entry after Sunday night but never published it . . . here's the gist . . .
I hung out with my friends the gay couple last Sunday night. I'm going to have to assign them names . . . oh boy. How about Howie and Adam. We went out for pizza and beer and talked. They were telling me about a young LGBT professionals group that they go to meetings for. I might have to check that out sometime. After dinner we went back and watched movies. But not just any movies . . . Howie is a self-professed connoisseur of horrible movies. So we watched "Blubberella," a movie by the ludicrous German director, Uwe Boll. It is probably the most tasteless, pointless, poorly acted, cobbled-together mess of a movie I have ever seen . . . and yet it is strangely hilarious at times. After doing a little reading I learned that the movie is a parody of Boll's own "Bloodrayne 3." A scene-for-scene parody. Starring many of the same actors. Filmed on the same sets. At the same time. Words cannot express how . . . nope, I've got nothing.
The rest of the unpublished entry was a bunch of blah about how I was feeling at the time, but I'm not feeling that way anymore so let's move on, shall we?
This weekend was all sorts of fun. Friday night I went out with a new guy. This one I'm on the fence about. He lives quite far away. About an hour without traffic (and there's always traffic in his direction). He's quite nerdy, which I don't really find attractive . . . I hate to say that since I'm not the most unnerdy guy in the world, but it is what it is. We did have quite a bit in common though. Came out and started dating about the same time. Were both in Madrid around the same time in 2010 (crazy, haha). He's from the same small desert town that my grandma used to live in. And we're both addicted to the TV show Supernatural. At the very least he has some friend potential. But my rule of thumb is, if the conversation is good and a guy seems like a good person, then I will give them at least 2 dates. I've only turned down a second date from one guy thus far, and that's because the conversation was just too awkward between us.
Saturday I met up with Alex, a guy of Italian heritage that I had met up with once previously. He's really cool. We went kayaking, which was a lot of fun. As usual with kayaking, I couldn't quite keep up (I need to work on my endurance). So I was definitely tired by the end of it! And super sore today. We ate at a delicious Mediterranean food place that is Alex's favorite restaurant. I'm not sure what Alex's feelings toward me are. I get the feeling I am squarely in the friend zone, which is okay. He's a nice guy and I'd like to hang out with him periodically. After that I hung out with my friend Tom. He has matured so much over the time that I have known him. While he still lives in a world of his own in a lot of ways, he is so much more pleasant to be around now that he has mellowed out significantly. I can honestly say I enjoy his company now that the dynamic of our friendship is a lot more balanced than it once was.
Today I hung out with Brody. He really impressed me today. We had lunch and then went to the beach. I brought along my guitar and played a bunch of songs for him (a bunch of the songs I have committed to memory, such as various tunes by Collective Soul, Pearl Jam, Oasis, Creedence Clearwater Revival, Stone Temple Pilots, and the Doobie Brothers). We hung out and talked and he then drove us back to his place. Before I left we talked some more and got into talking about gay dating. Brody really sounds like he's gotten quite jaded with guys in the LA and Orange County scene. He feels that both places are filled with superficial guys who care more about image and money than depth of relationships. He says that since moving to California he has been treated very cruelly by several people and has even considered moving back to the east coast. He views our new friendship as a breath of fresh air, as apparently I am one of the few genuinely nice, open-minded, and caring guys that he has met around here. That really melted my heart, haha. We also got into the subject of anxiety among gay men, which led me to vent a little about Ben and also question Brody a bit more about his OCDish episode. Turns out since we had the conversation about it last weekend he has definitely changed his mind about it. He realizes he was out of line and was even quite worried that he had messed up our friendship. I'll admit, if I wasn't such an open-minded and patient person I may have just run the other way after that. But I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. Brody apologized for his behavior and promised to never do something like that again. I told him not to worry about it, all was forgiven. Now, I'm still not looking for anymore than friendship from Brody at this point. I do worry that he would be a tad too emotionally needy. But I'm enjoying getting to know him as a friend, and I'm glad to be a ray of sunshine in his thus-far rather gloomy perception of Southern California :-)
As for Ben, well the healing still continues. I actually cried a bit today for the first time in a while. First when I was thinking of him and how I wanted him back in my life someday (when I'm emotionally ready, I realize that may be a while). Then when I heard the song "Here Without You" by 3 Doors Down. That song is also one I played for Brody on the beach, so that'll be the song of the day.
I hung out with my friends the gay couple last Sunday night. I'm going to have to assign them names . . . oh boy. How about Howie and Adam. We went out for pizza and beer and talked. They were telling me about a young LGBT professionals group that they go to meetings for. I might have to check that out sometime. After dinner we went back and watched movies. But not just any movies . . . Howie is a self-professed connoisseur of horrible movies. So we watched "Blubberella," a movie by the ludicrous German director, Uwe Boll. It is probably the most tasteless, pointless, poorly acted, cobbled-together mess of a movie I have ever seen . . . and yet it is strangely hilarious at times. After doing a little reading I learned that the movie is a parody of Boll's own "Bloodrayne 3." A scene-for-scene parody. Starring many of the same actors. Filmed on the same sets. At the same time. Words cannot express how . . . nope, I've got nothing.
The rest of the unpublished entry was a bunch of blah about how I was feeling at the time, but I'm not feeling that way anymore so let's move on, shall we?
This weekend was all sorts of fun. Friday night I went out with a new guy. This one I'm on the fence about. He lives quite far away. About an hour without traffic (and there's always traffic in his direction). He's quite nerdy, which I don't really find attractive . . . I hate to say that since I'm not the most unnerdy guy in the world, but it is what it is. We did have quite a bit in common though. Came out and started dating about the same time. Were both in Madrid around the same time in 2010 (crazy, haha). He's from the same small desert town that my grandma used to live in. And we're both addicted to the TV show Supernatural. At the very least he has some friend potential. But my rule of thumb is, if the conversation is good and a guy seems like a good person, then I will give them at least 2 dates. I've only turned down a second date from one guy thus far, and that's because the conversation was just too awkward between us.
Saturday I met up with Alex, a guy of Italian heritage that I had met up with once previously. He's really cool. We went kayaking, which was a lot of fun. As usual with kayaking, I couldn't quite keep up (I need to work on my endurance). So I was definitely tired by the end of it! And super sore today. We ate at a delicious Mediterranean food place that is Alex's favorite restaurant. I'm not sure what Alex's feelings toward me are. I get the feeling I am squarely in the friend zone, which is okay. He's a nice guy and I'd like to hang out with him periodically. After that I hung out with my friend Tom. He has matured so much over the time that I have known him. While he still lives in a world of his own in a lot of ways, he is so much more pleasant to be around now that he has mellowed out significantly. I can honestly say I enjoy his company now that the dynamic of our friendship is a lot more balanced than it once was.
Today I hung out with Brody. He really impressed me today. We had lunch and then went to the beach. I brought along my guitar and played a bunch of songs for him (a bunch of the songs I have committed to memory, such as various tunes by Collective Soul, Pearl Jam, Oasis, Creedence Clearwater Revival, Stone Temple Pilots, and the Doobie Brothers). We hung out and talked and he then drove us back to his place. Before I left we talked some more and got into talking about gay dating. Brody really sounds like he's gotten quite jaded with guys in the LA and Orange County scene. He feels that both places are filled with superficial guys who care more about image and money than depth of relationships. He says that since moving to California he has been treated very cruelly by several people and has even considered moving back to the east coast. He views our new friendship as a breath of fresh air, as apparently I am one of the few genuinely nice, open-minded, and caring guys that he has met around here. That really melted my heart, haha. We also got into the subject of anxiety among gay men, which led me to vent a little about Ben and also question Brody a bit more about his OCDish episode. Turns out since we had the conversation about it last weekend he has definitely changed his mind about it. He realizes he was out of line and was even quite worried that he had messed up our friendship. I'll admit, if I wasn't such an open-minded and patient person I may have just run the other way after that. But I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. Brody apologized for his behavior and promised to never do something like that again. I told him not to worry about it, all was forgiven. Now, I'm still not looking for anymore than friendship from Brody at this point. I do worry that he would be a tad too emotionally needy. But I'm enjoying getting to know him as a friend, and I'm glad to be a ray of sunshine in his thus-far rather gloomy perception of Southern California :-)
As for Ben, well the healing still continues. I actually cried a bit today for the first time in a while. First when I was thinking of him and how I wanted him back in my life someday (when I'm emotionally ready, I realize that may be a while). Then when I heard the song "Here Without You" by 3 Doors Down. That song is also one I played for Brody on the beach, so that'll be the song of the day.
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Latest dating exploits
It's been an interesting weekend so far.
Friday night I met up with a guy that I've been corresponding with for quite some time. We ate at a really good Italian restaurant and had a good conversation. He's really nice and fun. A little bit on the fem side, but he's quite good looking and we have some things in common. I look forward to seeing him again. He lives pretty close and actually grew up in the area. The most interesting revelation: his best friend is the sister of one of the guys who bullied me in high school. So if I were to date this guy, chances are I'd eventually see that jerk again, haha.
After the date I was getting ready for bed when I got a text from Brody. He was going out dancing at a bar where a guy he knows was DJing, and wanted me to go with him. By then it was already 11 PM and I'm not usually one for such spontaneity, but I decided to go. It was pretty fun. However, Brody threw up some red flags by the end of the night. Through his interactions with some of the people at the bar it became apparent to me that he can be a bit oblivious to social cues, such as when someone is not in the mood to talk. This was further confirmed after we left the bar, when we were talking in his car. By then it was very late, going on 3 in the morning. I was very tired, and dropped a couple hints about wanting to head home. Despite this, Brody still continued to talk.
When we got back to my place finally, it was approaching 4. I am not a late night owl. I get stressed out when I'm up that late. Brody asked if he could use my bathroom before going home, and I said sure. What's the harm? Just a quick in and out. He came in and went in the bathroom. Ten minutes later he was still in there. I listened through the door and heard the water running. At this point I was getting very anxious. What was going on in there? Was he sick? Finally I knocked on the door, and Brody said I could come in. I opened the door . . . and Brody was cleaning the sink and the counter top. I asked him if he had been sick. He said no, he was just a little OCD and decided to clean since the sink and counter were quite dirty. This is at 4 in the morning, mind you. Here I am, waiting to go to bed until Brody has left, and he takes it upon himself to clean the bathroom. I was quite flabbergasted. I told him I was waiting to use the bathroom. He said I could go ahead and use it, he promised not to look. I brought in some paper towels since he had been using toilet paper. After he had used them a bit he asked for me to put them away or else he would continue cleaning. Oh my God, I thought to myself. He wasn't kidding about the OCD thing. I told him he really didn't have to do this, that it was very late. He responded that a "thank you" would have been nice. I told him I appreciated him doing what he did, but it was very late and I needed to go to bed. Finally, he took off.
We had previously made plans to meet up on Saturday, so we did. I took this opportunity to express my discomfort with his behavior the night before. He explained to me that doing "random acts of kindness" is his thing. I told him that even with kind acts there is an appropriate time and place, and I felt that he had crossed the line by keeping me up at 4 in the morning to clean the bathroom without telling me what he was doing. He seemed to think I was making a mountain out of a molehill, but I told him that it had bothered me and I felt I needed to be up front about this. I think I will have to approach friendship with Brody much like I have with my friend Tom. With patience and caution.
Other than that, our conversation was good. He definitely relates to my more companionship-centered view of relationships. He even described himself as asexual at one point. How perfect that would be if it weren't for his other idiosyncrasies. At this point I will (cautiously) pursue friendship with him, but I don't really think he's what I'm looking for romantically. He's just too much on a different wavelength.
Last night the guy I met up with a few weekends ago in LA came down to my neck of the woods to have dinner with me. He's a nice guy, but I don't think the attraction is there for me. I do think he likes me though. Of course. Reciprocity is so hard to find.
The guy I went out with last week (the one who owns his own business) has placed me in the Friend Zone. I texted him to see if he wanted to meet up again sometime. He said that would be great, but he sees us more as friends. That's fine, I'm just glad he didn't use the words "chemistry" or "spark."
So bottom line, I've been keeping busy meeting guys. I'm still confused though. I've definitely learned a lot about myself. I'm still frustrated by how hard it is to find mutual interest. Guys that like me I'm not into, and guys I like aren't into me. I guess that's pretty common. I still occasionally wonder what it would be like to give girls a try. I still wonder whether I would find "chemistry" more often if I was more sexually driven. I wonder whether I shouldn't just focus on career and give up on being proactive in trying to find a relationship. I wonder whether I get too invested in relationships and should just focus on myself. I wonder why sexuality has to be so freaking complicated. I wonder what it was about Ben that made me fall for him so much, and why I can't find that again. After all, he was the SECOND guy I ever went out with. Now I've gone out with more than 20 and he's STILL the only one that had that effect on me. WTF?
Friday night I met up with a guy that I've been corresponding with for quite some time. We ate at a really good Italian restaurant and had a good conversation. He's really nice and fun. A little bit on the fem side, but he's quite good looking and we have some things in common. I look forward to seeing him again. He lives pretty close and actually grew up in the area. The most interesting revelation: his best friend is the sister of one of the guys who bullied me in high school. So if I were to date this guy, chances are I'd eventually see that jerk again, haha.
After the date I was getting ready for bed when I got a text from Brody. He was going out dancing at a bar where a guy he knows was DJing, and wanted me to go with him. By then it was already 11 PM and I'm not usually one for such spontaneity, but I decided to go. It was pretty fun. However, Brody threw up some red flags by the end of the night. Through his interactions with some of the people at the bar it became apparent to me that he can be a bit oblivious to social cues, such as when someone is not in the mood to talk. This was further confirmed after we left the bar, when we were talking in his car. By then it was very late, going on 3 in the morning. I was very tired, and dropped a couple hints about wanting to head home. Despite this, Brody still continued to talk.
When we got back to my place finally, it was approaching 4. I am not a late night owl. I get stressed out when I'm up that late. Brody asked if he could use my bathroom before going home, and I said sure. What's the harm? Just a quick in and out. He came in and went in the bathroom. Ten minutes later he was still in there. I listened through the door and heard the water running. At this point I was getting very anxious. What was going on in there? Was he sick? Finally I knocked on the door, and Brody said I could come in. I opened the door . . . and Brody was cleaning the sink and the counter top. I asked him if he had been sick. He said no, he was just a little OCD and decided to clean since the sink and counter were quite dirty. This is at 4 in the morning, mind you. Here I am, waiting to go to bed until Brody has left, and he takes it upon himself to clean the bathroom. I was quite flabbergasted. I told him I was waiting to use the bathroom. He said I could go ahead and use it, he promised not to look. I brought in some paper towels since he had been using toilet paper. After he had used them a bit he asked for me to put them away or else he would continue cleaning. Oh my God, I thought to myself. He wasn't kidding about the OCD thing. I told him he really didn't have to do this, that it was very late. He responded that a "thank you" would have been nice. I told him I appreciated him doing what he did, but it was very late and I needed to go to bed. Finally, he took off.
We had previously made plans to meet up on Saturday, so we did. I took this opportunity to express my discomfort with his behavior the night before. He explained to me that doing "random acts of kindness" is his thing. I told him that even with kind acts there is an appropriate time and place, and I felt that he had crossed the line by keeping me up at 4 in the morning to clean the bathroom without telling me what he was doing. He seemed to think I was making a mountain out of a molehill, but I told him that it had bothered me and I felt I needed to be up front about this. I think I will have to approach friendship with Brody much like I have with my friend Tom. With patience and caution.
Other than that, our conversation was good. He definitely relates to my more companionship-centered view of relationships. He even described himself as asexual at one point. How perfect that would be if it weren't for his other idiosyncrasies. At this point I will (cautiously) pursue friendship with him, but I don't really think he's what I'm looking for romantically. He's just too much on a different wavelength.
Last night the guy I met up with a few weekends ago in LA came down to my neck of the woods to have dinner with me. He's a nice guy, but I don't think the attraction is there for me. I do think he likes me though. Of course. Reciprocity is so hard to find.
The guy I went out with last week (the one who owns his own business) has placed me in the Friend Zone. I texted him to see if he wanted to meet up again sometime. He said that would be great, but he sees us more as friends. That's fine, I'm just glad he didn't use the words "chemistry" or "spark."
So bottom line, I've been keeping busy meeting guys. I'm still confused though. I've definitely learned a lot about myself. I'm still frustrated by how hard it is to find mutual interest. Guys that like me I'm not into, and guys I like aren't into me. I guess that's pretty common. I still occasionally wonder what it would be like to give girls a try. I still wonder whether I would find "chemistry" more often if I was more sexually driven. I wonder whether I shouldn't just focus on career and give up on being proactive in trying to find a relationship. I wonder whether I get too invested in relationships and should just focus on myself. I wonder why sexuality has to be so freaking complicated. I wonder what it was about Ben that made me fall for him so much, and why I can't find that again. After all, he was the SECOND guy I ever went out with. Now I've gone out with more than 20 and he's STILL the only one that had that effect on me. WTF?
Monday, April 8, 2013
Filling the weekends
Hi y'all,
It's been my goal to keep the weekends as full as possible (as you could probably tell since the last two entries were weekend-centric, haha). So far I've been quite successful.
This past weekend started in my neck of the woods and then moved to LA for various fun times. First on Friday, I met up with a new guy. He runs his own business in the area. Very cute (one of the cutest I've met), and good conversation (not to mention the restaurant he picked was excellent!). I'm not sure what he thought of me, so I'll probably text him again midweek to check in. Afterward I caught up virtually with my cousin Gavin. He is the oldest of the three brothers (the other two being Roger and Brad, gosh it's getting hard to keep these fake names straight . . . I"m going to have to create a guide, haha). We played some online video games and chatted. He lives on the East Coast and was the cousin I was closest to growing up. Now that he's so far away I've actually become closer to the other two, but I still enjoy keeping in touch with him. He's been the initiator in a breakup before so he's had an interesting perspective to hear over the past couple months.
On Saturday I met up with Brody for the second time. He's the one who was the big talker when I first met him. I feel like we had a more balanced conversation this time. He's an interesting guy. Super nice and genuine. I can also tell that he values relationships like I do, from some of the stories and perspectives he shared with me. We also discovered a really cool restaurant that I'd like to go back to sometime. As usual I ended up hanging out with him a lot longer than I expected. At the end we talked about some future activities we could plan. He's also huge into music, so he wants me to bring my guitar down to the beach sometime. Sounds like a fun time to me! He was also telling me about how cool San Diego is, particularly the "gay area" of Hillcrest. I suggested we take a day trip down there some time so he could show me around. He was excited by the idea.
Immediately after we parted ways I jumped in my car to make it up to LA and meet my friends Nina and Walter at a show in North Hollywood. It was at a small independent theater that I'd been to before (with Ben, ugh . . . we really got around). The show was bizarre. It was a horror-themed show. Imagine if you could peer into someone's nightmares with a remote control in hand to change the channels. That's what it was like. Interesting, disturbing . . . not sure I'd see it again but it was a good experience. Would be excellent on Halloween. Afterward we went to a bar to hang out. The girls in the group were at a gay bar, but being among a bunch of straight guys the majority opinion was to go to a nearby Tiki Bar instead. The girls eventually joined us. Nina had been scoping out the crowd for me of course, haha. I spent the time chatting with a friend of a friend who was extremely hot. Straight of course, but a really cool guy. The night ended at the apartment of one of the guys in the group. Nina took this opportunity to have me try on some shirts that she'd brought for me (it is her mission to hot me up, haha). So I put on a little fashion show for her, her friend, and her boyfriend. Oh man, did those girls like the shirts. They were both quite tipsy, and they could barely keep their hands off of me. They definitely boosted my self esteem (and added evidence to my lack of attraction for girls, lol)!
I spent the night at Roger's place in LA. My friend Walter did too, because unfortunately his car got towed. I had to get up early to take him to pick it up (also there were guys who came to Roger's to remodel the bathroom) so I only got four hours of sleep. After I had breakfast with Walter I returned to Roger's and spent time with him. I helped him deal with a complicated roommate situation (long story) and then we went to the gym. We had a great workout. Roger has a pretty great physique, he works out religiously and has a strict diet. He's interested in modeling, though he doesn't have much experience and doesn't quite have the looks for it (not that he's ugly, just doesn't really have the "pretty boy" thing going on). It was nice having a workout buddy again. I only do bench press with the barbells if I have a spotter. While at the gym we saw a guy who Roger was convinced was the fitness model Greg Plitt. I'm not quite convinced, but he was incredibly buff whoever he was.
Finally, we got together with Lance to have dinner and see a movie. I wanted to see the Oz movie, but once again my gay preferences got overruled, haha. We saw "Olympus Has Fallen," which my mom had recommended to me. It was alright, just rather unoriginal. It was basically "Die Hard" set in the White House.
Today my sleep deprivation caught up to me. I had to go into work early so I was quite tired, and then ended up leaving early due to some weird indigestion. I rarely have stomach issues these days, so it caught me off-guard (I blame that damn breakfast sandwich from the snack cart!) I came home around 2, fell asleep and didn't wake up until after 6. After dinner I chatted with a new guy on the phone for an hour. Really nice dude. We have similar interests, he has a great sense of humor, and he lives close by. We might try to meet up Friday.
So, to summarize where I'm at . . . I'm keeping busy, making a lot of new friends and acquaintances, going on dates. I've met up with about 20 guys now since I first entered the dating scene early 2012. As for potential relationships . . . well, it's too soon to tell. I'm not in a hurry to start another one. Brody is really cool. I don't feel quite as into him at this stage as I did with Ben, but I don't want to make that experience the rule. I am open to seeing where things go. At the very least I see him as being good friend material. Other than him there's the new guy I spoke to today and the one I met on Friday night. Both are cute, nice, and good conversationalists. Then a couple others that are farther away . . . the guy from LA a few weekends ago and various others who I haven't met up with yet. I'd definitely prefer to date someone closer this time around. As cool as it was to explore LA so much in my first relationship, it limited the amount of time we could spend together (and made for a lot of drive time and gas money).
This weekend I plan to visit a gay couple that I've become friends with over the last couple months. That should be cool. I also have some friends visiting from the bay area, so a bunch of us might get together with them.
The day I really need to plan something for is Cinco de Mayo. Janice and I are going to go to a conference on May 4th, but I really want to keep myself SUPER busy on the 5th. Last year the 5th was one of the best days of my life and I want this year to give it a run for its money. Obviously it likely won't compete as far as life importance, but as far as amount of fun I think it's worth a shot. As for Operation: Friend Zone, that will have to wait until after the 5th. I don't want to deal with that until our would-have-been 1 year anniversary is past.
It's been my goal to keep the weekends as full as possible (as you could probably tell since the last two entries were weekend-centric, haha). So far I've been quite successful.
This past weekend started in my neck of the woods and then moved to LA for various fun times. First on Friday, I met up with a new guy. He runs his own business in the area. Very cute (one of the cutest I've met), and good conversation (not to mention the restaurant he picked was excellent!). I'm not sure what he thought of me, so I'll probably text him again midweek to check in. Afterward I caught up virtually with my cousin Gavin. He is the oldest of the three brothers (the other two being Roger and Brad, gosh it's getting hard to keep these fake names straight . . . I"m going to have to create a guide, haha). We played some online video games and chatted. He lives on the East Coast and was the cousin I was closest to growing up. Now that he's so far away I've actually become closer to the other two, but I still enjoy keeping in touch with him. He's been the initiator in a breakup before so he's had an interesting perspective to hear over the past couple months.
On Saturday I met up with Brody for the second time. He's the one who was the big talker when I first met him. I feel like we had a more balanced conversation this time. He's an interesting guy. Super nice and genuine. I can also tell that he values relationships like I do, from some of the stories and perspectives he shared with me. We also discovered a really cool restaurant that I'd like to go back to sometime. As usual I ended up hanging out with him a lot longer than I expected. At the end we talked about some future activities we could plan. He's also huge into music, so he wants me to bring my guitar down to the beach sometime. Sounds like a fun time to me! He was also telling me about how cool San Diego is, particularly the "gay area" of Hillcrest. I suggested we take a day trip down there some time so he could show me around. He was excited by the idea.
Immediately after we parted ways I jumped in my car to make it up to LA and meet my friends Nina and Walter at a show in North Hollywood. It was at a small independent theater that I'd been to before (with Ben, ugh . . . we really got around). The show was bizarre. It was a horror-themed show. Imagine if you could peer into someone's nightmares with a remote control in hand to change the channels. That's what it was like. Interesting, disturbing . . . not sure I'd see it again but it was a good experience. Would be excellent on Halloween. Afterward we went to a bar to hang out. The girls in the group were at a gay bar, but being among a bunch of straight guys the majority opinion was to go to a nearby Tiki Bar instead. The girls eventually joined us. Nina had been scoping out the crowd for me of course, haha. I spent the time chatting with a friend of a friend who was extremely hot. Straight of course, but a really cool guy. The night ended at the apartment of one of the guys in the group. Nina took this opportunity to have me try on some shirts that she'd brought for me (it is her mission to hot me up, haha). So I put on a little fashion show for her, her friend, and her boyfriend. Oh man, did those girls like the shirts. They were both quite tipsy, and they could barely keep their hands off of me. They definitely boosted my self esteem (and added evidence to my lack of attraction for girls, lol)!
I spent the night at Roger's place in LA. My friend Walter did too, because unfortunately his car got towed. I had to get up early to take him to pick it up (also there were guys who came to Roger's to remodel the bathroom) so I only got four hours of sleep. After I had breakfast with Walter I returned to Roger's and spent time with him. I helped him deal with a complicated roommate situation (long story) and then we went to the gym. We had a great workout. Roger has a pretty great physique, he works out religiously and has a strict diet. He's interested in modeling, though he doesn't have much experience and doesn't quite have the looks for it (not that he's ugly, just doesn't really have the "pretty boy" thing going on). It was nice having a workout buddy again. I only do bench press with the barbells if I have a spotter. While at the gym we saw a guy who Roger was convinced was the fitness model Greg Plitt. I'm not quite convinced, but he was incredibly buff whoever he was.
Finally, we got together with Lance to have dinner and see a movie. I wanted to see the Oz movie, but once again my gay preferences got overruled, haha. We saw "Olympus Has Fallen," which my mom had recommended to me. It was alright, just rather unoriginal. It was basically "Die Hard" set in the White House.
Today my sleep deprivation caught up to me. I had to go into work early so I was quite tired, and then ended up leaving early due to some weird indigestion. I rarely have stomach issues these days, so it caught me off-guard (I blame that damn breakfast sandwich from the snack cart!) I came home around 2, fell asleep and didn't wake up until after 6. After dinner I chatted with a new guy on the phone for an hour. Really nice dude. We have similar interests, he has a great sense of humor, and he lives close by. We might try to meet up Friday.
So, to summarize where I'm at . . . I'm keeping busy, making a lot of new friends and acquaintances, going on dates. I've met up with about 20 guys now since I first entered the dating scene early 2012. As for potential relationships . . . well, it's too soon to tell. I'm not in a hurry to start another one. Brody is really cool. I don't feel quite as into him at this stage as I did with Ben, but I don't want to make that experience the rule. I am open to seeing where things go. At the very least I see him as being good friend material. Other than him there's the new guy I spoke to today and the one I met on Friday night. Both are cute, nice, and good conversationalists. Then a couple others that are farther away . . . the guy from LA a few weekends ago and various others who I haven't met up with yet. I'd definitely prefer to date someone closer this time around. As cool as it was to explore LA so much in my first relationship, it limited the amount of time we could spend together (and made for a lot of drive time and gas money).
This weekend I plan to visit a gay couple that I've become friends with over the last couple months. That should be cool. I also have some friends visiting from the bay area, so a bunch of us might get together with them.
The day I really need to plan something for is Cinco de Mayo. Janice and I are going to go to a conference on May 4th, but I really want to keep myself SUPER busy on the 5th. Last year the 5th was one of the best days of my life and I want this year to give it a run for its money. Obviously it likely won't compete as far as life importance, but as far as amount of fun I think it's worth a shot. As for Operation: Friend Zone, that will have to wait until after the 5th. I don't want to deal with that until our would-have-been 1 year anniversary is past.
Monday, April 1, 2013
Easter weekend
Guess what guys? I'm back with Ben!!!!
Okay April Fools. Sorry, I couldn't resist :-)
Seriously though, the progress I am making continues. He is still on my mind a LOT, but the desire to contact him is diminishing. I actually don't know if I'll keep up the monthly check-in thing. I'm torn about it. On the one hand, I do want to keep the lines of communication open in preparation of an eventual friendship. On the other hand, if its a regular thing I might have him on my mind too much (2 weeks to contact him, okay now one week!) I also don't want to feel pathetic, like I'm jumping through hoops to maintain friendship.
I visited family over the Easter weekend. I traveled up to the California Central Coast with my cousin Roger. His brother, Brad, drove down from Northern California to meet us. We all stayed with our uncle, whom they haven't seen in several years (ever since their dad and him had a falling out). It was an amazing, relaxing trip (well, except for the part where Roger's gas meter was inaccurate and we ran out of gas on the 101 freeway). I spoke at length to several people over the trip about the break up and my conflicted desires to move on, yet remain friends. The advice was mixed. My uncle, aunt, and oldest cousin stressed the difficulty of being friends with an ex, and suggested I just put it completely out of my mind and let it happen on its own some day. Good advice, yet it doesn't sit very well with my proactive nature. I'm used to relationships fading if I do nothing, and I keep the successful rekindling of the friendship with Lance as the gold standard.
Another cousin's girlfriend seemed to relate a lot better to my point of view. First of all, she sympathized with my upset over the sudden break up. She said, "If your cousin broke up with me so suddenly I'd set his motorcycle on fire!" She was joking of course . . . I think. She also cringed about the whole "I feel it will stunt your healing process" email. She agreed with me . . . don't dictate to me how to conduct my healing process, that's my job. As for the friends thing, she had very good advice. She understands my desire to help Ben through his confusion (it's hard to turn off that impulse after all). However, she stressed that I can't be pushy about trying to help him (like I perhaps was when I sent him the link to the online LGBT forum). Instead I just need to demonstrate that I am there for him and let him come around in his own time. She felt the periodic check ins are a good way to show him that. I'm sure with time his suspicion of ulterior motives will also fade.
So on the Ben front I think I'll just put it out of my mind for now. Rather than "monthly" I think I'll just make it the more vague "periodic." Focus on other things. Dating, for one. With the goal for now still being more about making friends then trying to get another relationship. I also need to figure out what I'm doing with regard to school before the new application season starts. Ugh. Fricken' wheel never stops.
No new dates since last time. I've been messaging several people though. I'm trying to set up a meet up with one guy for later this week, though he seems to be a little tricky to pin down as far as a day. We'll see where that goes. I also want to hang out with Brody again sometime this week.
In other news, it was cool to see the flurry of red equal signs on Facebook last week in honor of the gay marriage issue being taken up by the Supreme Court. I jumped on the bandwagon myself. I counted at least 30 of my friends changing their profile picture to the symbol.
I had a bit of a sexuality confusion relapse over the weekend while on my trip. Luckily Brad was there to talk me through it. I started getting really down about the small dating pool for gay men. I started thinking, "Hey, if I'm not really all that sexually driven, would it really make that much difference if I tried dating girls?"
But that would make me like Ben. And who wants that? :-P
Being a fan of analogies and metaphors, I have come up with one to help me put the dating issue into perspective.
Let's say Ben is represented by a Kit Kat bar. One of my favorite candies. I stuck my hand into the Easter basket of dating and pulled out a Kit Kat on the second try. Unfortunately, it fell out of my grasp and landed in the mud. I've now pulled out 16 additional candies (yep, grand total of 18 guys I've dated so far), but no Kit Kats in sight. However, that doesn't mean there was only one Kit Kat in the bowl. Sure, by the luck of the draw I pulled one out almost right away. But the very fact that I did suggests that there MUST be more Kit Kats. I just need to be patient. Or maybe there will be a Crunch Bar or a Twix! Those are good too!
Okay April Fools. Sorry, I couldn't resist :-)
Seriously though, the progress I am making continues. He is still on my mind a LOT, but the desire to contact him is diminishing. I actually don't know if I'll keep up the monthly check-in thing. I'm torn about it. On the one hand, I do want to keep the lines of communication open in preparation of an eventual friendship. On the other hand, if its a regular thing I might have him on my mind too much (2 weeks to contact him, okay now one week!) I also don't want to feel pathetic, like I'm jumping through hoops to maintain friendship.
I visited family over the Easter weekend. I traveled up to the California Central Coast with my cousin Roger. His brother, Brad, drove down from Northern California to meet us. We all stayed with our uncle, whom they haven't seen in several years (ever since their dad and him had a falling out). It was an amazing, relaxing trip (well, except for the part where Roger's gas meter was inaccurate and we ran out of gas on the 101 freeway). I spoke at length to several people over the trip about the break up and my conflicted desires to move on, yet remain friends. The advice was mixed. My uncle, aunt, and oldest cousin stressed the difficulty of being friends with an ex, and suggested I just put it completely out of my mind and let it happen on its own some day. Good advice, yet it doesn't sit very well with my proactive nature. I'm used to relationships fading if I do nothing, and I keep the successful rekindling of the friendship with Lance as the gold standard.
Another cousin's girlfriend seemed to relate a lot better to my point of view. First of all, she sympathized with my upset over the sudden break up. She said, "If your cousin broke up with me so suddenly I'd set his motorcycle on fire!" She was joking of course . . . I think. She also cringed about the whole "I feel it will stunt your healing process" email. She agreed with me . . . don't dictate to me how to conduct my healing process, that's my job. As for the friends thing, she had very good advice. She understands my desire to help Ben through his confusion (it's hard to turn off that impulse after all). However, she stressed that I can't be pushy about trying to help him (like I perhaps was when I sent him the link to the online LGBT forum). Instead I just need to demonstrate that I am there for him and let him come around in his own time. She felt the periodic check ins are a good way to show him that. I'm sure with time his suspicion of ulterior motives will also fade.
So on the Ben front I think I'll just put it out of my mind for now. Rather than "monthly" I think I'll just make it the more vague "periodic." Focus on other things. Dating, for one. With the goal for now still being more about making friends then trying to get another relationship. I also need to figure out what I'm doing with regard to school before the new application season starts. Ugh. Fricken' wheel never stops.
No new dates since last time. I've been messaging several people though. I'm trying to set up a meet up with one guy for later this week, though he seems to be a little tricky to pin down as far as a day. We'll see where that goes. I also want to hang out with Brody again sometime this week.
In other news, it was cool to see the flurry of red equal signs on Facebook last week in honor of the gay marriage issue being taken up by the Supreme Court. I jumped on the bandwagon myself. I counted at least 30 of my friends changing their profile picture to the symbol.
I had a bit of a sexuality confusion relapse over the weekend while on my trip. Luckily Brad was there to talk me through it. I started getting really down about the small dating pool for gay men. I started thinking, "Hey, if I'm not really all that sexually driven, would it really make that much difference if I tried dating girls?"
But that would make me like Ben. And who wants that? :-P
Being a fan of analogies and metaphors, I have come up with one to help me put the dating issue into perspective.
Let's say Ben is represented by a Kit Kat bar. One of my favorite candies. I stuck my hand into the Easter basket of dating and pulled out a Kit Kat on the second try. Unfortunately, it fell out of my grasp and landed in the mud. I've now pulled out 16 additional candies (yep, grand total of 18 guys I've dated so far), but no Kit Kats in sight. However, that doesn't mean there was only one Kit Kat in the bowl. Sure, by the luck of the draw I pulled one out almost right away. But the very fact that I did suggests that there MUST be more Kit Kats. I just need to be patient. Or maybe there will be a Crunch Bar or a Twix! Those are good too!
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