Hello all! I asked a physical therapist I know about my neck. I had narrowed the cause down to one of two things: either I hurt it in the gym on Thursday night (unlikely, since it didn't hurt until Saturday morning), or its from sleeping weird (I slept on Ben's water pillow Friday night and may have been sleeping on my side too). I didn't think the latter was likely since it's been bad for four days now, but the PT disagreed. He said sleeping on your neck weird really can cause pretty bad pain that takes several days to resolve. No more water pillows for me!
So maybe I'll make this entry about sleep. Ben and I have our little ritual when we sleep together, which I may have addressed previously: several minutes of cuddling, then one of us signals to the other that we're ready to go to sleep. We then go to our own sides of the bed. Some people are able to fall asleep cuddling, but Ben is unable to do that. As I recall we did attempt it the first couple of times, and I did wake up quite frequently (especially because that was in my tiny little twin bed, haha). I've grown accustomed to the routine. There's cuddle time, and then there's sleep time. This makes my sleep a lot better since I'm less likely to be woken up by sudden movement during the night.
Not all is good in dreamland, though. Ben has told me several times that he has heard what sounds like me having breathing trouble at times while I sleep. I'm hoping its not sleep apnea, that can be serious. I have been quite tired during the day at times, and I do have a deviated septum (one nostril is much easier to breathe out of than the other due to this), so I'm thinking I'd better get checked out. Either by an ENT doctor or a sleep specialist.
What about you, dear readers? Any sleeping quirks? What position do you prefer (I like to sleep on my back)? Are you able to fall asleep cuddling (or do you think you'd be able to)? What size bed do you have? Anyone familiar with what I'm referencing by the title of this entry? Hint: there was a recent Google Doodle dedicated to it.
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Monday, October 22, 2012
Election season
I am soooo sick of election season. I just want it to be decided already so the country can move forward. I can't stand how polarized politics have become. I'm sick of the left trying to convince us that Romney is a cold, heartless creep who spits on poor people and women. I'm sick of the right trying to convince us that Obama is a radical, socialist failure who wants government to control our lives.
You know what? I tried several times to write a political diatribe here about my frustration with the Republican Party, but in the end I think I'll just say screw it. Arguing politics is like arguing philosophy. You can go around in circles, spin things this way and that way, but in the end there is no objective right answer. Suffice it to say at this point I almost certainly will vote Obama. As a critical thinker, as a gay man, as a lover of science and reason, and as a secularist/borderline atheist, this makes the most sense to me. Maybe I'm wrong. My parents, especially my dad, think he's the worst thing to happen to the White House since . . . well ever, haha. But I need to do what feels right to me. Feel free to leave your opinions about the election in the comments, but DON'T get nasty about either candidate or party! I get so tired of all the BS rhetoric.
In other news things are going great with Ben. I had another amazing weekend with him, though I sprained my neck somehow and was therefore pretty much down for the count the whole time. But he was very sweet and understanding. I love him :-)
You know what? I tried several times to write a political diatribe here about my frustration with the Republican Party, but in the end I think I'll just say screw it. Arguing politics is like arguing philosophy. You can go around in circles, spin things this way and that way, but in the end there is no objective right answer. Suffice it to say at this point I almost certainly will vote Obama. As a critical thinker, as a gay man, as a lover of science and reason, and as a secularist/borderline atheist, this makes the most sense to me. Maybe I'm wrong. My parents, especially my dad, think he's the worst thing to happen to the White House since . . . well ever, haha. But I need to do what feels right to me. Feel free to leave your opinions about the election in the comments, but DON'T get nasty about either candidate or party! I get so tired of all the BS rhetoric.
In other news things are going great with Ben. I had another amazing weekend with him, though I sprained my neck somehow and was therefore pretty much down for the count the whole time. But he was very sweet and understanding. I love him :-)
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Happiest place on Earth
Yesterday I took Ben to Disneyland. It was his very first time there since he's from the east coast. I had been wanting to take him there for quite a while, and about a week ago I discovered that this weekend was the annual "Gay Days." It's not officially endorsed by Disneyland, but they know about it. Every year on the first weekend of October, gay people flock to Disneyland dressed in red shirts. Ben and I donned red and got to the park about 5 PM (he had to work during the day, so we purchased discounted "twilight tickets" that are good for 4 PM and later). It was amazing being there with so many gay people about. All over the place were groups of red shirted guys, and seeing a gay couple holding hands was not unusual. Ben and I held hands quite a lot. It was great. Unfortunately two of my favorite rides, Indiana Jones and Space Mountain, were closed (the former was closed all day, the latter broke down right when we went to get in line).
I read an article in the OC Register about the event. There were the inevitable comments from the bigots and homophobes at the bottom. Things like "How come there's no straight day?" (common response: "Try the other 364 days of the year!"). One person stated that they didn't want to go because such an event would attract "strange, flamboyant types." Well, I was there for 7 hours, and though I saw all sorts of guys in red shirts, I did not see any over the top behavior. In retrospect I wonder whether Ben and I holding hands "offended" anyone who saw us.
Today's song: a song that my friend posted on my Facebook wall in response to my status about going to Disneyland. Quite catchy.
I read an article in the OC Register about the event. There were the inevitable comments from the bigots and homophobes at the bottom. Things like "How come there's no straight day?" (common response: "Try the other 364 days of the year!"). One person stated that they didn't want to go because such an event would attract "strange, flamboyant types." Well, I was there for 7 hours, and though I saw all sorts of guys in red shirts, I did not see any over the top behavior. In retrospect I wonder whether Ben and I holding hands "offended" anyone who saw us.
Today's song: a song that my friend posted on my Facebook wall in response to my status about going to Disneyland. Quite catchy.
Monday, October 1, 2012
Jet settin'
Hello all!
I've been meaning to write an entry for a while, I've just been very busy. Well, today I got a comment from fan of casey wondering what's going on, so I figured I'd oblige :-)
First of all, I'm doing away with the song title thing like I said I would. Too hard. I'll still include a song though. A new song that I like, or an old song that's stuck in my head. Today's pick is the new single by Muse, "Madness," in honor of the release of their new album tomorrow.
The last week saw a lot of travelling. First, Ben and I took our first plane trip together, flying up to San Francisco for a long weekend. Unfortunately it was for my job, so I had to sit in meetings for much of the time. The up-side of course was getting the room and my flight paid for. The best part: I got to meet YouTube Guy! He was in town with his boyfriend of six months. It was really great meeting them and spending time with another gay couple. YouTube Guy and I have been through somewhat parallel journeys over the past year since we first connected, and we've been dating our boyfriends about the same amount of time (Ben and I are at five months in a couple days). We had an awesome time hanging out together, and they even took Ben around the city in their rental car while I was in a meeting.
One thing we did was visit the famous Castro district. Wow, is that like another world or what? Gay couples everywhere (not to mention naked dudes . . . and not of the eye candy variety) . . . Ben and I could totally walk around that part of town holding hands without a second thought. Unfortunately not all of SF was quite as tolerant. While holding hands elsewhere in the city we inadvertently walked in front of a street preacher who admonished us by shouting "One virgin man, one virgin woman! No man and man!" We just chuckled it off and kept walking. Thinking back on it later though, I realized that was the first time I've had homophobia directed at me. We were definitely more careful after that.
After San Francisco we flew back home and I went to work for one day before flying off to Upstate New York for another meeting. This trip I was unaccompanied by Ben, unfortunately. The meeting was pretty cool, it was held at a conference center in the middle of the woods. It was absolutely beautiful there, I really wished Ben could have seen it.
After I returned from NY I spent the weekend at Ben's house. His job is requiring him to do some work on weekends, which will make our weekends a little more complicated, primarily because for now I will always have to be the one to come to him. Which is better in a lot of ways since I still have a twin bed. Yes, I know. Unforgivable, right? Ha ha. Ben has trouble sleeping with such limited space, so nights are easier at his place. It does mean if I want to see him I won't have any weekends at home, and I'll spend more on gas. We'll see.
One day over the weekend I overheard Ben telling his friend about my blog (he hasn't read it, he just knows about it). I felt a little bit like my privacy was violated, but then I thought twice about that initial reaction. I never told him the fact that I keep an anonymous blog was off-limits, and he seems to think of it as a cool thing. Even so, I told him later that I didn't feel comfortable having anyone I know in person reading it (well, excluding people I've met through the blog). However, perhaps someday I'll let him read it. And I believe someone suggested that I have Ben write an entry. He'd totally be up for that. I'd just have to ask him to resist the temptation to Google a sentence from his entry to find my blog, ha ha.
Other Ben news: though his finances have been a bit shaky recently he has decided to accompany me to my parents' house in the Midwest for Thanksgiving! Super cool. It's definitely not California . . . they live in a very conservative, religious area. We're both super careful, though. It should be a lot of fun.
Okay, until next time!
I've been meaning to write an entry for a while, I've just been very busy. Well, today I got a comment from fan of casey wondering what's going on, so I figured I'd oblige :-)
First of all, I'm doing away with the song title thing like I said I would. Too hard. I'll still include a song though. A new song that I like, or an old song that's stuck in my head. Today's pick is the new single by Muse, "Madness," in honor of the release of their new album tomorrow.
The last week saw a lot of travelling. First, Ben and I took our first plane trip together, flying up to San Francisco for a long weekend. Unfortunately it was for my job, so I had to sit in meetings for much of the time. The up-side of course was getting the room and my flight paid for. The best part: I got to meet YouTube Guy! He was in town with his boyfriend of six months. It was really great meeting them and spending time with another gay couple. YouTube Guy and I have been through somewhat parallel journeys over the past year since we first connected, and we've been dating our boyfriends about the same amount of time (Ben and I are at five months in a couple days). We had an awesome time hanging out together, and they even took Ben around the city in their rental car while I was in a meeting.
One thing we did was visit the famous Castro district. Wow, is that like another world or what? Gay couples everywhere (not to mention naked dudes . . . and not of the eye candy variety) . . . Ben and I could totally walk around that part of town holding hands without a second thought. Unfortunately not all of SF was quite as tolerant. While holding hands elsewhere in the city we inadvertently walked in front of a street preacher who admonished us by shouting "One virgin man, one virgin woman! No man and man!" We just chuckled it off and kept walking. Thinking back on it later though, I realized that was the first time I've had homophobia directed at me. We were definitely more careful after that.
After San Francisco we flew back home and I went to work for one day before flying off to Upstate New York for another meeting. This trip I was unaccompanied by Ben, unfortunately. The meeting was pretty cool, it was held at a conference center in the middle of the woods. It was absolutely beautiful there, I really wished Ben could have seen it.
After I returned from NY I spent the weekend at Ben's house. His job is requiring him to do some work on weekends, which will make our weekends a little more complicated, primarily because for now I will always have to be the one to come to him. Which is better in a lot of ways since I still have a twin bed. Yes, I know. Unforgivable, right? Ha ha. Ben has trouble sleeping with such limited space, so nights are easier at his place. It does mean if I want to see him I won't have any weekends at home, and I'll spend more on gas. We'll see.
One day over the weekend I overheard Ben telling his friend about my blog (he hasn't read it, he just knows about it). I felt a little bit like my privacy was violated, but then I thought twice about that initial reaction. I never told him the fact that I keep an anonymous blog was off-limits, and he seems to think of it as a cool thing. Even so, I told him later that I didn't feel comfortable having anyone I know in person reading it (well, excluding people I've met through the blog). However, perhaps someday I'll let him read it. And I believe someone suggested that I have Ben write an entry. He'd totally be up for that. I'd just have to ask him to resist the temptation to Google a sentence from his entry to find my blog, ha ha.
Other Ben news: though his finances have been a bit shaky recently he has decided to accompany me to my parents' house in the Midwest for Thanksgiving! Super cool. It's definitely not California . . . they live in a very conservative, religious area. We're both super careful, though. It should be a lot of fun.
Okay, until next time!
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Long time
With this entry, I'm going to bring the whole "Song title for every entry" thing to an end. It was fun for a while but now it's just too hard to come up with things.
Anyways, it's been a (relatively) long time since I posted, especially after my record posting habits in the first half of this year.
Ben and I are just about at the four month mark. Pretty much the only issue we have faced in our relationship thus far is trying to come to a consensus about the right amount of affection to show each other when in public or around friends and family. This became a conscious issue because of my family, but lately I started feeling like Ben had taken their criticism (well in some cases more like observations) too much to heart. It got to the point where I was feeling like I was the only one initiating any kind of affection, which made me worry about Ben's feelings toward me.
Over the weekend I decided to open up about it. Ben acknowledged that he does get self conscious about showing affection around others, especially when the two of us are hanging around one other friend that might feel like a third wheel. What do you guys think, what's the appropriate amount of PDA to show? Should you "tone it down" out of a courtesy to others around you who might not be fortunate enough to be in a relationship like you? Mind you, I'm not saying the normal level is making out in public or anything. Basically in public I just like to put my arm around his shoulders, or around his waist, and maybe sneak a little peck when no one seems to be paying attention. I feel like if I were to follow Ben's lead, we would be indistinguishable from a pair of good friends. Which in certain settings of questionable safety, is a good thing. But everywhere?
The place where I really got self conscious about it was in the movie theater. A darkened movie theater is so closely associated with affection between lovers that it's almost cliche. But all my attempts to hold hands, rest my head on his shoulder or rest my hand on his leg met with no reaction. Later he said it was because we were with my friend (let it be noted he wasn't sitting between us or anything!)
Anyways, I opened up about what was bothering me. Ben thanked me for being honest and felt bad that I felt that way over the whole weekend. He said that it was the presence of my friend that he was conscious about. I suggested that since I've been working on "toning down" my PDA to make him feel more comfortable, maybe he could "tone up" his a little bit. I said that I liked that little bit of reassurance every once and a while, and hoped that didn't make me seem overly needy. He said no, that he had heard that such reassurance is a common desire in relationships.
Basically we've agreed to try to meet in the middle to find a place that is comfortable for both of us. Since our conversation made me feel so much better (and really energized our feelings for each other) I suggested we make it a regular practice to have little "state of the relationship" chats, a time when we could bring up any issues that were bothering us, or remind each other about how much we mean to each other. He agreed that could be a good idea. What do you think?
To recap my questions to you:
1) How much affection is appropriate when out in public? When around friends? When around one single friend?
2) Do you think have fairly regular chats about the state of the relationship is a good idea?
Anyways, it's been a (relatively) long time since I posted, especially after my record posting habits in the first half of this year.
Ben and I are just about at the four month mark. Pretty much the only issue we have faced in our relationship thus far is trying to come to a consensus about the right amount of affection to show each other when in public or around friends and family. This became a conscious issue because of my family, but lately I started feeling like Ben had taken their criticism (well in some cases more like observations) too much to heart. It got to the point where I was feeling like I was the only one initiating any kind of affection, which made me worry about Ben's feelings toward me.
Over the weekend I decided to open up about it. Ben acknowledged that he does get self conscious about showing affection around others, especially when the two of us are hanging around one other friend that might feel like a third wheel. What do you guys think, what's the appropriate amount of PDA to show? Should you "tone it down" out of a courtesy to others around you who might not be fortunate enough to be in a relationship like you? Mind you, I'm not saying the normal level is making out in public or anything. Basically in public I just like to put my arm around his shoulders, or around his waist, and maybe sneak a little peck when no one seems to be paying attention. I feel like if I were to follow Ben's lead, we would be indistinguishable from a pair of good friends. Which in certain settings of questionable safety, is a good thing. But everywhere?
The place where I really got self conscious about it was in the movie theater. A darkened movie theater is so closely associated with affection between lovers that it's almost cliche. But all my attempts to hold hands, rest my head on his shoulder or rest my hand on his leg met with no reaction. Later he said it was because we were with my friend (let it be noted he wasn't sitting between us or anything!)
Anyways, I opened up about what was bothering me. Ben thanked me for being honest and felt bad that I felt that way over the whole weekend. He said that it was the presence of my friend that he was conscious about. I suggested that since I've been working on "toning down" my PDA to make him feel more comfortable, maybe he could "tone up" his a little bit. I said that I liked that little bit of reassurance every once and a while, and hoped that didn't make me seem overly needy. He said no, that he had heard that such reassurance is a common desire in relationships.
Basically we've agreed to try to meet in the middle to find a place that is comfortable for both of us. Since our conversation made me feel so much better (and really energized our feelings for each other) I suggested we make it a regular practice to have little "state of the relationship" chats, a time when we could bring up any issues that were bothering us, or remind each other about how much we mean to each other. He agreed that could be a good idea. What do you think?
To recap my questions to you:
1) How much affection is appropriate when out in public? When around friends? When around one single friend?
2) Do you think have fairly regular chats about the state of the relationship is a good idea?
Friday, August 17, 2012
Ramble on
Well, I've been saving this title for just such an occasion: a blog entry that has just too much going on in it to find a good title to sum it up :-)
Things have definitely cooled down since I was outed by my cousin and mom to the rest of the family a couple weeks ago. I'm still not happy it happened, but oh well. Everyone seems to be taking it okay.
Ben and I met several members of each others' families last week. First I met his aunt, who was in town for a conference. She was definitely the most comfortable with us, always wanting to take our picture together. Then he met my parents, who were visiting SoCal as their last stop before heading back to the Midwest. It was a good time, they got along fine, but I still feel like my mom is having a hard time dealing with it. I suspect that might be part of the reason why she told the rest of the family. I might suggest to her that she seek counseling or something, since it has helped me so much. Finally, I met Ben's mom, who came to town about the time my parents left. The three of us went biking together. She was very nice, and apparently doesn't have the very conservative political perspective that my parents do. I'm not sure if and when I'd meet Ben's dad, as he is very homophobic, separated from Ben's mom, and doesn't talk to Ben very often (especially since Ben came out to him).
Ben and I had our first major disagreement. Not a fight, not at all. Just a discussion where we, for the first time, had very different opinions. It was about Facebook. Now that I'm out to most of my close friends and most of my family, Ben asked me how I felt about pictures of the two of us being posted and tagged on Facebook. I have several gay friends on Facebook who are completely open about their relationships (heck, there was even one who posted a picture of him standing next to his boyfriend while wearing a shirt that says, "He likes to take it up the ass." Classy) However, I'm a very private person, and frankly I'm a bit paranoid about this kind of thing too. My therapist and my mom have both cautioned me about the pictures I post, because you never know when you'll get investigated by, say, a homophobic admissions committee member. Ben felt very differently. He wants to live completely out in the open, and wants to be able to post pictures just like any other person in a serious relationship would. After a couple of discussions and consultations with others for their opinion, however, he softened his stance. I told him that in an ideal world I would share all of my pictures embracing him with the world, but unfortunately our society still has a ways to go. Until I'm established in my career I just don't think I'll be comfortable living completely in the open. Who knows, maybe I'll change my FB name to a pseudonym like some people do. Anyways, he was understanding and accepted that not all industries are quite as liberal as entertainment and academia.
Overall, Ben and I are doing well. We talk on the phone pretty much three times a day and see each other every weekend. We went to West Hollywood a couple weekends ago, to The Abbey. It was nice being able to be in that environment, where I didn't have to worry about being discreet while kissing him.
One thing I'm really excited about: I'm going to meet YouTube Guy in person! He's coming to San Francisco with his boyfriend in September, and Ben and I are going to meet up with them there. My first double dating experience!
Until next time, Blogworld.
Things have definitely cooled down since I was outed by my cousin and mom to the rest of the family a couple weeks ago. I'm still not happy it happened, but oh well. Everyone seems to be taking it okay.
Ben and I met several members of each others' families last week. First I met his aunt, who was in town for a conference. She was definitely the most comfortable with us, always wanting to take our picture together. Then he met my parents, who were visiting SoCal as their last stop before heading back to the Midwest. It was a good time, they got along fine, but I still feel like my mom is having a hard time dealing with it. I suspect that might be part of the reason why she told the rest of the family. I might suggest to her that she seek counseling or something, since it has helped me so much. Finally, I met Ben's mom, who came to town about the time my parents left. The three of us went biking together. She was very nice, and apparently doesn't have the very conservative political perspective that my parents do. I'm not sure if and when I'd meet Ben's dad, as he is very homophobic, separated from Ben's mom, and doesn't talk to Ben very often (especially since Ben came out to him).
Ben and I had our first major disagreement. Not a fight, not at all. Just a discussion where we, for the first time, had very different opinions. It was about Facebook. Now that I'm out to most of my close friends and most of my family, Ben asked me how I felt about pictures of the two of us being posted and tagged on Facebook. I have several gay friends on Facebook who are completely open about their relationships (heck, there was even one who posted a picture of him standing next to his boyfriend while wearing a shirt that says, "He likes to take it up the ass." Classy) However, I'm a very private person, and frankly I'm a bit paranoid about this kind of thing too. My therapist and my mom have both cautioned me about the pictures I post, because you never know when you'll get investigated by, say, a homophobic admissions committee member. Ben felt very differently. He wants to live completely out in the open, and wants to be able to post pictures just like any other person in a serious relationship would. After a couple of discussions and consultations with others for their opinion, however, he softened his stance. I told him that in an ideal world I would share all of my pictures embracing him with the world, but unfortunately our society still has a ways to go. Until I'm established in my career I just don't think I'll be comfortable living completely in the open. Who knows, maybe I'll change my FB name to a pseudonym like some people do. Anyways, he was understanding and accepted that not all industries are quite as liberal as entertainment and academia.
Overall, Ben and I are doing well. We talk on the phone pretty much three times a day and see each other every weekend. We went to West Hollywood a couple weekends ago, to The Abbey. It was nice being able to be in that environment, where I didn't have to worry about being discreet while kissing him.
One thing I'm really excited about: I'm going to meet YouTube Guy in person! He's coming to San Francisco with his boyfriend in September, and Ben and I are going to meet up with them there. My first double dating experience!
Until next time, Blogworld.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
I heard it through the grapevine
Pandora's Box has been opened.
It started out as a normal enough Monday. I awoke next to Ben, stole a couple more minutes of cuddle time thanks to the "snooze" button, and headed off to work after enjoying Ben's special blend of oatmeal (oatmeal + bananas + peanut butter + raisins = crazy delicious)
I called my mom during my lunch break. She and my dad have been up in Northern California visiting my dad's brothers. One is Uncle Pete and the other is Uncle Rob. Uncle Pete is the oldest of the three, and is the father of my three cousins, who are my best friends in the world and my closest confidants. They have played a huge part in helping me through my journey with their understanding and support. Uncle Pete is probably the most outwardly affectionate of the three brothers, and due to my closeness with his sons has long referred to me as his "fourth son." Uncle Rob is the youngest of the brothers. He has two sons who are a bit older than me (early thirties) that I'm not as close to. Uncle Rob is definitely my favorite of the three brothers to talk politics and have intellectual discussions with, as even though he's as conservative as my dad and Uncle Pete, he's a lot more open-minded and logical in conversation.
After telling my sisters about Ben, I had resolved to focus on telling the rest of my close friends, especially since it would be a while before seeing my uncles and aunts again. I also haven't been in a big hurry to tell them because of their conservatism . . . especially Uncle Pete. While talking to my mom on the phone, however, I was in a for a bit of a shock. While at Uncle Rob's house, she had decided to tell everyone there, including Uncle Rob, his wife, his son and his son's wife, and my dad's cousin and her husband. She did this without consulting me first. Why in the world would she do this, why would she go behind my back and spill the beans to so many family members? Well, the first thing that emboldened her was the fact that I was telling all of my friends (indeed, I just told my friend in the navy, let's call him Dave, on Friday, which finished up the list of my closest friends). The second thing: Uncle Pete and his wife already knew!!!!
This one was the biggest shock! How the hell did they find out? They were the most conservative of the family, they were the ones who have Fox News on just about 24/7, who own multiple books written by Ann Coulter, who enjoy Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh, and who had reacted rather negatively when one of my female second cousins had talked about dating girls. Suffice it to say I was dreading my eventual coming-out to them and was hoping to do it very delicately. My mom told me it had been one of my cousins that told them. I was horrified. This is not what was supposed to happen at all. One of my cousins? My closest friends in the world? Telling the two people I'd been most afraid of telling, the ones I wanted to tell very carefully? Immediately I knew which one it must have been. I called up the middle of the three brothers, my cousin Roger. I figured it might be him because, as messed up as it may be, he's the one who is generally the most naive and the least intellectual . . . the only one I could fathom may have slipped up or not realized how much I wanted to tell them at my own pace. He's also the only one who has met Ben.
After talking to Roger for a while, I told him about what my Mom had done and explained how it made me feel and how I preferred to tell people in the family on my own. He didn't offer up an admission, so I went further and told him about finding out that his parents already knew. At this he reluctantly (and cautiously) came clean. One day about a month ago (!) he was talking on the phone with his parents and telling them about his weekend. He mentioned Ben by name, which of course prompted them to ask who Ben was. Rather than lie or just describe him as my friend, he decided to tell them everything. What's more: since then both his brothers had found out about what he had done (and given him quite the tongue-lashing for it, apparently). They didn't tell me because they wanted Roger to fess up himself, warning him that if it didn't come from him it would inevitably come through the grapevine and back to me. Well, he never worked up the guts to tell me, so through the grapevine it did come.
A few hours ago I called Uncle Pete and his wife and talked with them for an hour about everything. Having lost the chance to be able to be present during their finding out about me, I wanted to give them my side of the story and answer any questions they might have. To their credit, they were very supportive. My uncle was concerned about the difficult path I had chosen, but I told him not being true to myself would have been a lot harder on me in the long run. I also told him about the positive effect that Ben has had on me and on my life these past couple of months (Sunday we hit the 3 month mark). He was concerned about the supposed promiscuity of gay men, but I assured him that both Ben and I are deeply committed to monogamy. I could tell he's a bit skeptical of how lasting our relationship will be.
How am I feeling after this double breach of trust? Well, I'm pretty much okay. After I talked to Ben he was greatly impressed with how well I was taking it (and even asked me whether I was the type of person to internalize my anger, haha). Actually, I'm more angry with my mom than Roger. Roger's somewhat simple nature made it hard for him to lie to his parents (in fact he didn't even seem to realize the gravity of what he had done until his brothers got on his case about it). Plus his brothers already chewed him out for it and at this point he is truly remorseful. Both should have known better and at least asked me first, but especially my mom. She apologized, but she did it in a somewhat unsatisfactory way ("Sorry if I misspoke"). I still can't wrap my head around what she was thinking. Maybe it was discomfort with keeping the truth from everyone? Maybe she figured it would be easier to ask for forgiveness than permission? I don't know. I wrote her somewhat of a stern email earlier, making sure to remind her to "take other people's feelings into account" when sharing sensitive information. A little dig at her for suggesting I should consider other peoples' feelings after Ben and my PG rated (if that) intimacy "overwhelmed" my brother-in-law. I also took issue with what she said she had told Uncle Pete and his wife: that she "wasn't happy with" the situation. I know she was just expressing her true (if disappointing) feelings, I just wish she hadn't worded it that way. I was hurt by it. Hopefully when she meets Ben (which will happen this week) and sees what an amazing person he is, she will feel a little happier about it all.
Well, that's my story. I've officially been outed to my family. Everyone took it pretty well, which I'm grateful for. The silver lining is that now I don't have to worry about doing it myself, albeit I would have preferred having more control over how it was done. Oh well. What's done is done.
It started out as a normal enough Monday. I awoke next to Ben, stole a couple more minutes of cuddle time thanks to the "snooze" button, and headed off to work after enjoying Ben's special blend of oatmeal (oatmeal + bananas + peanut butter + raisins = crazy delicious)
I called my mom during my lunch break. She and my dad have been up in Northern California visiting my dad's brothers. One is Uncle Pete and the other is Uncle Rob. Uncle Pete is the oldest of the three, and is the father of my three cousins, who are my best friends in the world and my closest confidants. They have played a huge part in helping me through my journey with their understanding and support. Uncle Pete is probably the most outwardly affectionate of the three brothers, and due to my closeness with his sons has long referred to me as his "fourth son." Uncle Rob is the youngest of the brothers. He has two sons who are a bit older than me (early thirties) that I'm not as close to. Uncle Rob is definitely my favorite of the three brothers to talk politics and have intellectual discussions with, as even though he's as conservative as my dad and Uncle Pete, he's a lot more open-minded and logical in conversation.
After telling my sisters about Ben, I had resolved to focus on telling the rest of my close friends, especially since it would be a while before seeing my uncles and aunts again. I also haven't been in a big hurry to tell them because of their conservatism . . . especially Uncle Pete. While talking to my mom on the phone, however, I was in a for a bit of a shock. While at Uncle Rob's house, she had decided to tell everyone there, including Uncle Rob, his wife, his son and his son's wife, and my dad's cousin and her husband. She did this without consulting me first. Why in the world would she do this, why would she go behind my back and spill the beans to so many family members? Well, the first thing that emboldened her was the fact that I was telling all of my friends (indeed, I just told my friend in the navy, let's call him Dave, on Friday, which finished up the list of my closest friends). The second thing: Uncle Pete and his wife already knew!!!!
This one was the biggest shock! How the hell did they find out? They were the most conservative of the family, they were the ones who have Fox News on just about 24/7, who own multiple books written by Ann Coulter, who enjoy Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh, and who had reacted rather negatively when one of my female second cousins had talked about dating girls. Suffice it to say I was dreading my eventual coming-out to them and was hoping to do it very delicately. My mom told me it had been one of my cousins that told them. I was horrified. This is not what was supposed to happen at all. One of my cousins? My closest friends in the world? Telling the two people I'd been most afraid of telling, the ones I wanted to tell very carefully? Immediately I knew which one it must have been. I called up the middle of the three brothers, my cousin Roger. I figured it might be him because, as messed up as it may be, he's the one who is generally the most naive and the least intellectual . . . the only one I could fathom may have slipped up or not realized how much I wanted to tell them at my own pace. He's also the only one who has met Ben.
After talking to Roger for a while, I told him about what my Mom had done and explained how it made me feel and how I preferred to tell people in the family on my own. He didn't offer up an admission, so I went further and told him about finding out that his parents already knew. At this he reluctantly (and cautiously) came clean. One day about a month ago (!) he was talking on the phone with his parents and telling them about his weekend. He mentioned Ben by name, which of course prompted them to ask who Ben was. Rather than lie or just describe him as my friend, he decided to tell them everything. What's more: since then both his brothers had found out about what he had done (and given him quite the tongue-lashing for it, apparently). They didn't tell me because they wanted Roger to fess up himself, warning him that if it didn't come from him it would inevitably come through the grapevine and back to me. Well, he never worked up the guts to tell me, so through the grapevine it did come.
A few hours ago I called Uncle Pete and his wife and talked with them for an hour about everything. Having lost the chance to be able to be present during their finding out about me, I wanted to give them my side of the story and answer any questions they might have. To their credit, they were very supportive. My uncle was concerned about the difficult path I had chosen, but I told him not being true to myself would have been a lot harder on me in the long run. I also told him about the positive effect that Ben has had on me and on my life these past couple of months (Sunday we hit the 3 month mark). He was concerned about the supposed promiscuity of gay men, but I assured him that both Ben and I are deeply committed to monogamy. I could tell he's a bit skeptical of how lasting our relationship will be.
How am I feeling after this double breach of trust? Well, I'm pretty much okay. After I talked to Ben he was greatly impressed with how well I was taking it (and even asked me whether I was the type of person to internalize my anger, haha). Actually, I'm more angry with my mom than Roger. Roger's somewhat simple nature made it hard for him to lie to his parents (in fact he didn't even seem to realize the gravity of what he had done until his brothers got on his case about it). Plus his brothers already chewed him out for it and at this point he is truly remorseful. Both should have known better and at least asked me first, but especially my mom. She apologized, but she did it in a somewhat unsatisfactory way ("Sorry if I misspoke"). I still can't wrap my head around what she was thinking. Maybe it was discomfort with keeping the truth from everyone? Maybe she figured it would be easier to ask for forgiveness than permission? I don't know. I wrote her somewhat of a stern email earlier, making sure to remind her to "take other people's feelings into account" when sharing sensitive information. A little dig at her for suggesting I should consider other peoples' feelings after Ben and my PG rated (if that) intimacy "overwhelmed" my brother-in-law. I also took issue with what she said she had told Uncle Pete and his wife: that she "wasn't happy with" the situation. I know she was just expressing her true (if disappointing) feelings, I just wish she hadn't worded it that way. I was hurt by it. Hopefully when she meets Ben (which will happen this week) and sees what an amazing person he is, she will feel a little happier about it all.
Well, that's my story. I've officially been outed to my family. Everyone took it pretty well, which I'm grateful for. The silver lining is that now I don't have to worry about doing it myself, albeit I would have preferred having more control over how it was done. Oh well. What's done is done.
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