With this entry, I'm going to bring the whole "Song title for every entry" thing to an end. It was fun for a while but now it's just too hard to come up with things.
Anyways, it's been a (relatively) long time since I posted, especially after my record posting habits in the first half of this year.
Ben and I are just about at the four month mark. Pretty much the only issue we have faced in our relationship thus far is trying to come to a consensus about the right amount of affection to show each other when in public or around friends and family. This became a conscious issue because of my family, but lately I started feeling like Ben had taken their criticism (well in some cases more like observations) too much to heart. It got to the point where I was feeling like I was the only one initiating any kind of affection, which made me worry about Ben's feelings toward me.
Over the weekend I decided to open up about it. Ben acknowledged that he does get self conscious about showing affection around others, especially when the two of us are hanging around one other friend that might feel like a third wheel. What do you guys think, what's the appropriate amount of PDA to show? Should you "tone it down" out of a courtesy to others around you who might not be fortunate enough to be in a relationship like you? Mind you, I'm not saying the normal level is making out in public or anything. Basically in public I just like to put my arm around his shoulders, or around his waist, and maybe sneak a little peck when no one seems to be paying attention. I feel like if I were to follow Ben's lead, we would be indistinguishable from a pair of good friends. Which in certain settings of questionable safety, is a good thing. But everywhere?
The place where I really got self conscious about it was in the movie theater. A darkened movie theater is so closely associated with affection between lovers that it's almost cliche. But all my attempts to hold hands, rest my head on his shoulder or rest my hand on his leg met with no reaction. Later he said it was because we were with my friend (let it be noted he wasn't sitting between us or anything!)
Anyways, I opened up about what was bothering me. Ben thanked me for being honest and felt bad that I felt that way over the whole weekend. He said that it was the presence of my friend that he was conscious about. I suggested that since I've been working on "toning down" my PDA to make him feel more comfortable, maybe he could "tone up" his a little bit. I said that I liked that little bit of reassurance every once and a while, and hoped that didn't make me seem overly needy. He said no, that he had heard that such reassurance is a common desire in relationships.
Basically we've agreed to try to meet in the middle to find a place that is comfortable for both of us. Since our conversation made me feel so much better (and really energized our feelings for each other) I suggested we make it a regular practice to have little "state of the relationship" chats, a time when we could bring up any issues that were bothering us, or remind each other about how much we mean to each other. He agreed that could be a good idea. What do you think?
To recap my questions to you:
1) How much affection is appropriate when out in public? When around friends? When around one single friend?
2) Do you think have fairly regular chats about the state of the relationship is a good idea?
Well, I've been saving this title for just such an occasion: a blog entry that has just too much going on in it to find a good title to sum it up :-)
Things have definitely cooled down since I was outed by my cousin and mom to the rest of the family a couple weeks ago. I'm still not happy it happened, but oh well. Everyone seems to be taking it okay.
Ben and I met several members of each others' families last week. First I met his aunt, who was in town for a conference. She was definitely the most comfortable with us, always wanting to take our picture together. Then he met my parents, who were visiting SoCal as their last stop before heading back to the Midwest. It was a good time, they got along fine, but I still feel like my mom is having a hard time dealing with it. I suspect that might be part of the reason why she told the rest of the family. I might suggest to her that she seek counseling or something, since it has helped me so much. Finally, I met Ben's mom, who came to town about the time my parents left. The three of us went biking together. She was very nice, and apparently doesn't have the very conservative political perspective that my parents do. I'm not sure if and when I'd meet Ben's dad, as he is very homophobic, separated from Ben's mom, and doesn't talk to Ben very often (especially since Ben came out to him).
Ben and I had our first major disagreement. Not a fight, not at all. Just a discussion where we, for the first time, had very different opinions. It was about Facebook. Now that I'm out to most of my close friends and most of my family, Ben asked me how I felt about pictures of the two of us being posted and tagged on Facebook. I have several gay friends on Facebook who are completely open about their relationships (heck, there was even one who posted a picture of him standing next to his boyfriend while wearing a shirt that says, "He likes to take it up the ass." Classy) However, I'm a very private person, and frankly I'm a bit paranoid about this kind of thing too. My therapist and my mom have both cautioned me about the pictures I post, because you never know when you'll get investigated by, say, a homophobic admissions committee member. Ben felt very differently. He wants to live completely out in the open, and wants to be able to post pictures just like any other person in a serious relationship would. After a couple of discussions and consultations with others for their opinion, however, he softened his stance. I told him that in an ideal world I would share all of my pictures embracing him with the world, but unfortunately our society still has a ways to go. Until I'm established in my career I just don't think I'll be comfortable living completely in the open. Who knows, maybe I'll change my FB name to a pseudonym like some people do. Anyways, he was understanding and accepted that not all industries are quite as liberal as entertainment and academia.
Overall, Ben and I are doing well. We talk on the phone pretty much three times a day and see each other every weekend. We went to West Hollywood a couple weekends ago, to The Abbey. It was nice being able to be in that environment, where I didn't have to worry about being discreet while kissing him.
One thing I'm really excited about: I'm going to meet YouTube Guy in person! He's coming to San Francisco with his boyfriend in September, and Ben and I are going to meet up with them there. My first double dating experience!
It started out as a normal enough Monday. I awoke next to Ben, stole a couple more minutes of cuddle time thanks to the "snooze" button, and headed off to work after enjoying Ben's special blend of oatmeal (oatmeal + bananas + peanut butter + raisins = crazy delicious)
I called my mom during my lunch break. She and my dad have been up in Northern California visiting my dad's brothers. One is Uncle Pete and the other is Uncle Rob. Uncle Pete is the oldest of the three, and is the father of my three cousins, who are my best friends in the world and my closest confidants. They have played a huge part in helping me through my journey with their understanding and support. Uncle Pete is probably the most outwardly affectionate of the three brothers, and due to my closeness with his sons has long referred to me as his "fourth son." Uncle Rob is the youngest of the brothers. He has two sons who are a bit older than me (early thirties) that I'm not as close to. Uncle Rob is definitely my favorite of the three brothers to talk politics and have intellectual discussions with, as even though he's as conservative as my dad and Uncle Pete, he's a lot more open-minded and logical in conversation.
After telling my sisters about Ben, I had resolved to focus on telling the rest of my close friends, especially since it would be a while before seeing my uncles and aunts again. I also haven't been in a big hurry to tell them because of their conservatism . . . especially Uncle Pete. While talking to my mom on the phone, however, I was in a for a bit of a shock. While at Uncle Rob's house, she had decided to tell everyone there, including Uncle Rob, his wife, his son and his son's wife, and my dad's cousin and her husband. She did this without consulting me first. Why in the world would she do this, why would she go behind my back and spill the beans to so many family members? Well, the first thing that emboldened her was the fact that I was telling all of my friends (indeed, I just told my friend in the navy, let's call him Dave, on Friday, which finished up the list of my closest friends). The second thing: Uncle Pete and his wife already knew!!!!
This one was the biggest shock! How the hell did they find out? They were the most conservative of the family, they were the ones who have Fox News on just about 24/7, who own multiple books written by Ann Coulter, who enjoy Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh, and who had reacted rather negatively when one of my female second cousins had talked about dating girls. Suffice it to say I was dreading my eventual coming-out to them and was hoping to do it very delicately. My mom told me it had been one of my cousins that told them. I was horrified. This is not what was supposed to happen at all. One of my cousins? My closest friends in the world? Telling the two people I'd been most afraid of telling, the ones I wanted to tell very carefully? Immediately I knew which one it must have been. I called up the middle of the three brothers, my cousin Roger. I figured it might be him because, as messed up as it may be, he's the one who is generally the most naive and the least intellectual . . . the only one I could fathom may have slipped up or not realized how much I wanted to tell them at my own pace. He's also the only one who has met Ben.
After talking to Roger for a while, I told him about what my Mom had done and explained how it made me feel and how I preferred to tell people in the family on my own. He didn't offer up an admission, so I went further and told him about finding out that his parents already knew. At this he reluctantly (and cautiously) came clean. One day about a month ago (!) he was talking on the phone with his parents and telling them about his weekend. He mentioned Ben by name, which of course prompted them to ask who Ben was. Rather than lie or just describe him as my friend, he decided to tell them everything. What's more: since then both his brothers had found out about what he had done (and given him quite the tongue-lashing for it, apparently). They didn't tell me because they wanted Roger to fess up himself, warning him that if it didn't come from him it would inevitably come through the grapevine and back to me. Well, he never worked up the guts to tell me, so through the grapevine it did come.
A few hours ago I called Uncle Pete and his wife and talked with them for an hour about everything. Having lost the chance to be able to be present during their finding out about me, I wanted to give them my side of the story and answer any questions they might have. To their credit, they were very supportive. My uncle was concerned about the difficult path I had chosen, but I told him not being true to myself would have been a lot harder on me in the long run. I also told him about the positive effect that Ben has had on me and on my life these past couple of months (Sunday we hit the 3 month mark). He was concerned about the supposed promiscuity of gay men, but I assured him that both Ben and I are deeply committed to monogamy. I could tell he's a bit skeptical of how lasting our relationship will be.
How am I feeling after this double breach of trust? Well, I'm pretty much okay. After I talked to Ben he was greatly impressed with how well I was taking it (and even asked me whether I was the type of person to internalize my anger, haha). Actually, I'm more angry with my mom than Roger. Roger's somewhat simple nature made it hard for him to lie to his parents (in fact he didn't even seem to realize the gravity of what he had done until his brothers got on his case about it). Plus his brothers already chewed him out for it and at this point he is truly remorseful. Both should have known better and at least asked me first, but especially my mom. She apologized, but she did it in a somewhat unsatisfactory way ("Sorry if I misspoke"). I still can't wrap my head around what she was thinking. Maybe it was discomfort with keeping the truth from everyone? Maybe she figured it would be easier to ask for forgiveness than permission? I don't know. I wrote her somewhat of a stern email earlier, making sure to remind her to "take other people's feelings into account" when sharing sensitive information. A little dig at her for suggesting I should consider other peoples' feelings after Ben and my PG rated (if that) intimacy "overwhelmed" my brother-in-law. I also took issue with what she said she had told Uncle Pete and his wife: that she "wasn't happy with" the situation. I know she was just expressing her true (if disappointing) feelings, I just wish she hadn't worded it that way. I was hurt by it. Hopefully when she meets Ben (which will happen this week) and sees what an amazing person he is, she will feel a little happier about it all.
Well, that's my story. I've officially been outed to my family. Everyone took it pretty well, which I'm grateful for. The silver lining is that now I don't have to worry about doing it myself, albeit I would have preferred having more control over how it was done. Oh well. What's done is done.
Haha, this entry's title is a stretch. I wanted to make a follow up entry to the last one. Since the visible touching is what "overwhelmed" my bro-in-law, it seems they want us to somehow invisibly touch, ha ha! So there you have it, the song of the day.
Thanks for your comments, guys. I feel like I want to clarify some things, just in case i wasn't clear enough before. First of all, my sister only told me about her and her husband's reaction because I raised the issue, having been told by my mom. She didn't make any requests of me to tone it down. It was my mom that asked that I take my time with showing physical intimacy with Ben when first introducing him to family. I'd say "bigotry" is a rather strong word for this situation.
Basically, most of my family is very conservative. Not religiously conservative for the most part, just rather traditional. They have very little experience with homosexuality. My mom, when she suggested I slow it down, even said that "it shouldn't be this way," referring to the double standard (i.e., if it had been me with a girl no one would have had a problem with me getting "touchy feely," especially if it was something so simple as an arm around the shoulder or a hand on the leg.
My sister is an amazing person, and she took my coming out very well. My bro-in-law is kind of a stereotypically "macho" kind of guy, so I understand if he has homophobia to deal with. My sister only told him about Ben and me a couple weeks ago. He probably needs some time to readjust to this new information, so I'm willing to give that to him. He sure has selflessly helped me out many many times.
I guess the way I feel is this: I was disappointed by their reaction but I don't blame them for it. If anything I overestimated their ability to adjust, but everyone's different. I'll give them time to get to know Ben better, and will probably also sit them down and have a talk at some point (definitely avoiding words like 'bigotry' and 'homophobia' though, haha). I'm not sure that the best course of action would be to act with Ben exactly as I would act if he were a girl, at least not right away, because we just don't live in that ideal world (yet). As for my nephew and niece, I guess I'll defer to my sister as far as the timing of giving them a talk.
As for how they'll get "used to it"? Well, I guess after they've had a while to get to know Ben I might gradually start ramping up the minor PDA and see how it goes over.
First of all, before I get into this post I want to say how saddened I am by the tragedy that happened in Aurora, Colorado . . . such a horrible, senseless act, and in a place where people go to escape the worries and fears of the world for a while.
As for me, I'm doing well. I had a birthday this week. Another year older. Ben made me a BBQ chicken pizza and homemade hummus, both of which were great. He also gave me a framed picture of the two of us. He is seriously the sweetest, most thoughtful guy.
Now, for the reason behind the title of today's post. Today I spoke with my mom on the phone and she told me what my sister had said about meeting Ben last weekend. Apparently my sister was a bit "surprised" at how comfortable I was showing affection with Ben during this, her family's first meeting with him, and my brother-in-law was a bit bothered by how "touchy-feely" we were. My mom suggested that I should take other people's feelings into account more, and not jump into showing overt displays of affection before giving them a time to get used to seeing me with a guy.
While I understand the issue, I was a little upset by how my mom chose to word it. I try very hard to always take other peoples' feelings into account. My ability to do so is something I take pride in, and I was a little pissed that my mom suggested I was being at all insensitive. Ben and I definitely did tone it down when we were visiting my sister and her family. We were even sitting on separate couches for a while. I hardly even remember what we did do, but apparently I went over to his couch at one point and put my arm around him. Big deal, my brother-in-law has seen me do a heck of a lot more with my cousins, haha. Uhh . . . don't take that the wrong way.
I spoke to my sister later on to clarify the situation, but she pretty much said what my mom had said. She was "surprised" and her husband was slightly "overwhelmed." I explained to her that I'd been dealing with this for a long time, and had been so paranoid about what their reaction would be, that when I found out they were okay with it I guess I overcompensated a bit, especially when my other sister and her boyfriend (the ones we went biking and wine tasting with) were so cool and laid back about it. I guess "okay" is a continuum.
In any case, we cleared the air and from now on I guess I'll keep my hands to myself around them, at least for now. Not sure how to know when it's okay to show affection, though. When will they be "used to it"? And will they give me an announcement when that happens? "Okay, we're used to it, go ahead and put your arm around him now." I guess I just have to give them more time to get to know Ben. Apparently my nephew and niece haven't actually been told the nature of my relationship with Ben, they just thought we were friends (though I'm sure my teenage nephew probably suspects the truth).
In the end they were still for the most part great about everything, I totally understand about cutting them some slack . . . I guess I was just a little disappointed (and frankly embarrassed) that I made them feel uncomfortable.
Things are still going really well with Ben. The last two weekends continued the trend of us filling our days together with all sorts of fun activities. The first weekend we did karaoke, went to a rock show, and went hiking in Malibu. The second weekend we went kayaking, went to another rock show, and went wine tasting with my sister and her bf. After that we had dinner with my other sister and her family, including my nephew and niece. That was pretty awkward, as my sister is the one who told my brother-in-law and her kids about Ben, so I wasn't able to control the way it was done. But it went well, everyone was nice and seemed to like Ben. My niece was her usual adorable self. And my nephew was his usual . . . uh, teenage self.
Out of all our activities, though, I must say that one of the most memorable moments was a quiet one. I asked Ben to come out on my sister's trampoline and stargaze with me. It was late, probably close to 1 AM. The sky was amazingly clear (we were quite far inland, away from the big city lights). We even saw some shooting stars! I alternated staring up into space and cuddling with Ben. It was an amazing, relaxing experience, and neither of us are quite sure how long we laid there.
Next on the horizon: a movie extravaganza this weekend with my friends (Batman and Spiderman in one day, alright!!!), a weekend trip later in the month, and a visit from my parents in August. My parents' visit actually overlaps a bit with a visit from Ben's mom, so we may be playing a bit of Meet the Parents soon . . . it's still so early in our relationship for that, but it's kind of hard to control when our parents live so far away. When they come, they come!
Saturday night was my 10 year high school reunion. And Ben was my plus one.
I was a bit nervous of course, but as with most of these situations I like Ben so much that it really helps to relieve much of my anxiety. I didn't exactly go around introducing him to people as my boyfriend, but it became pretty obvious for everyone soon enough.
It couldn't have gone better. We got all sorts of compliments: "Your boyfriend is really cute," "You guys are so cute together," "I'm so happy you brought him!" I also got the inevitable "I had no idea you were gay!" My response: "I didn't either." Ha ha. Then there was the girl who decided to express her enthusiastic support for gay marriage. One girl shared her opinion that we seemed like we would be together for a long time, which was sweet. There was another gay guy there who was very happy that he wasn't the only one. He took the liberty of grinding up against both Ben and me on the dance floor. Not exactly my comfort zone but I sort of went with it, haha. Ben was a big hit. He's such a friendly, outgoing guy that he got along real well with everybody. And when he took to the dance floor to belt out Bon Jovi during karaoke time a bunch of girls joined him to dance. We also did a duet of "Under Pressure," with him doing the Freddie Mercury part and me doing the David Bowie part. So much fun. And now the cat is out of the bag with a good portion of my former classmates. I told him, "Because of you, I feel like I'm experiencing a level of popularity I never had in high school!"
In addition to that, we also spent time with some of my friends and family members. Ben finally got to meet Rick, who is one of my closest friends. They got along really well. We also went bike riding with my sister and her boyfriend, which was great. I think they both really liked Ben.
Overall it was (yet another) amazing weekend. We spent nearly every waking and sleeping hour together. And because of the holiday this week, it won't be long at all before I see him again. I will most likely drive to his place tomorrow night after work.
This weekend definitely made my comfort level go up dramatically.
