Time for an update.
Things are still up and down. The week before last I had quite a great week, despite the fact that I was a little under the weather with a sore throat half the time. I went to West Hollywood for Wes's birthday, which was fun. We are becoming pretty good friends. I'm sure he'd still be interested in dating me, but I'm just not in the right place for that. I'm keeping an open mind, but I realize I do need to trust my gut.
Monday I had sushi with a couple that I know through the LGBT social group. It was a lot of fun. They're both super nice. Tuesday I went to my very first drag show at a bar in Long Beach with a guy I met on Grindr. Nice guy, but he's definitely one of those mixed messages types. He told a friend of his at the bar that we weren't on a "date," just a "hang out." But then we ended the night making out. He started to get a little more frisky than I'm comfortable with on a first date so I told him I take things I little slower than that. He seemed understanding, though a little disappointed. Since then he has been less communicative, but still texts me randomly. He has not proposed another meet up, and did not respond when I did. So frustrating. I randomly ran into him at a bar, which was a little awkward. He was friendly, but it may have just been an act. I've backed off, but still he'll randomly text me to ask how my day's going. Blah.
Anyways, despite that bit of frustration the rest of the week was good. YouTube Guy and his boyfriend came to town and stayed with me for three nights. This was only the second time I've seen them in person (the first being the San Francisco trip in September 2012). They were a blast. I got a lot closer with them, and they gave me a lot of dating advice. I feel like they sort of think of me as a project. They even pressured me into buying a pair of Andrew Christian underwear in WeHo, lol. I took them and some other friends (including Wes) to my improv troupe's Halloween show. It was a great time. Afterward we went to a local gay bar (where I ran into Mr. Mixed Messages) and then back to my place. Nina, her boyfriend and Wes all were there too. It was so nice having so many friends over. I really felt the love :)
After the fantastic visit from YouTube Guy and his bf, last week was a bit of a letdown. Wednesday especially was hard. I was just about as depressed as I've ever felt. I thought about Ben all day long. I still miss that fucker so much. I think my frustrating experiences with dating since then have also contributed. Promising prospects go nowhere. Guys that seem like a good match stop responding. Guys that are into me don't do it for me. And every time my prospects dwindle I once again start wondering about dating girls, just to try it. Then I find myself checking out guys and wonder how exactly dating girls would improve things.
I spoke to my mom on the phone that day. I told her about how, even after more than nine months, I still can't get Ben out of my head. She admitted that she has a hard time understanding it. She said that she has experienced break ups before, but never took it this hard. I asked her if the guy she lost had been the best friend she'd ever had. She said no. I responded, "That's how I felt about Ben." I think she was able to empathize a little more after that.
Hanging out with friends later in the week helped to improve my mood. I had dinner with Janice and went to the gym with Wes. Improv practice was a fun bonding experience since in honor of Halloween people were allowed to drink (drunk people doing improv is a whole new level of hilarity). I was invited by Nina to spend the weekend in San Diego with her and a bunch of friends next weekend.
Meanwhile I constantly try to think of new ways to help me get over Ben. I remind myself that he has serious emotional and intimacy issues, that it was not my fault. I tell myself that it was him, not me, that failed. The relationship was an amazing experience for me, and if he was unable to take the same joy from it as I did and approach it with the same level of optimism, then that's his loss. Despite my difficulties finding other people I click with as well, I try to reassure myself that there is someone out there. Someone with the emotional maturity to give a relationship the respect and effort it deserves. Someone who is able to recognize a good thing when they have it and not always be checking out the grass on the other side of the fence. Someone who is not intimidated by expressions of love and affection. Someone who doesn't just talk about the importance of communication and honesty, but actually practices what they preach.
I do feel I'm making progress though, despite periodic setbacks. Just the other night I had a dream in which I was in Ben's house (although it resembled my childhood home). However, the dream revolved around his roommate rather than him. His only appearance in the dream was when I walked by his room to see him laying in bed. Rather than approach him, I turned my back and kept walking. Perhaps the meaning of the dream is this: I can't expect to expunge Ben completely from my mind. However, that doesn't mean I can't choose not to dwell on it. I'm working on it.
Unfortunately last night I had a dream that we were back together. Oh well.
Saturday, November 2, 2013
Sunday, October 13, 2013
The story of Wes
Once again it's been quite a while since I updated. I had quite the difficult decision to make recently.
Things continued to progress with Wes since the last entry. However, I continued to be on the fence about him. Despite the fact that I greatly appreciated his affection and communicativeness, I just couldn't get excited about him. On the physical side of things, he was prematurely bald and had a bit of an overbite, though his smile was nice. On the chemistry side of things I just didn't feel the kind of intellectual compatibility that I had felt with Ben.
Part of me really wanted to continue on with him. He was very into me. He would constantly compliment me, saying how adorable I was. He told me he hadn't felt this way about a guy in a long time. He was super patient, knowing full well I had had my heart broken and was a bit gun shy about getting serious. We did a bunch of things together, including going hiking, going to the movies, and going to the gym. He and his friend (the one that encouraged us to kiss in WeHo) even came down and attended one of my troupe's improv shows with me.
There were several factors that pressured me to make a decision about Wes before things went on much longer. First, his birthday was coming up in a few weeks. I did not want to let him go too close to his special day, nor did I want to feel like I was leading him on when the day came. Second, I continued to want to see other people. When I was dating Ben, I lost the desire to date anyone else because I liked him so much. With Wes, I kept hoping that I would meet someone who would give me a reason to break things off with him. A month after we had first gone out (last Monday), I went out with a new guy and had a really good time. We seemed to have a lot in common, the physical attraction was better, and we seemed to be more on the same wavelength in some ways. Third, I was very worried about doing to Wes what Ben had done to me. I did not want to lead him on, make him think that my feelings were stronger than they really were. If I wasn't feeling it, it was important for me to be honest sooner rather than later.
Tuesday was the latest dinner for the LGBT social group. I invited Wes to come along, as well as my old friend Jake the Australian. Throughout the dinner Wes would reach over and rub my arm as he liked to do. Though I appreciated the gesture, each time he did it made me feel more guilty. When Wes went to the bathroom Jake asked me whether we were dating. My hesitation before responding spoke volumes. I told Jake about how I was worried I was holding out for the same feeling I had felt with Ben. Jake has been going through something similar. Last time we talked we discussed how hard it is to recapture the feeling of one's first love.
I had talked to several other people about it, including my mom, my cousins, friends, and my therapist. Finally I decided I needed to come clean. I had been honest with Wes about how I was taking things slow, but now it was time to be honest that I simply wasn't feeling the same as he was. After the dinner he gave me a ride to my car and I asked him if we could just be friends for now. He was disappointed and a bit confused, but he agreed. Since then he has told me I am still welcome to attend his birthday outing, so that's good.
Since then I have been second guessing myself of course. Even though I don't feel like I led him on, and certainly didn't date him for eight months before being honest, I still feel like I pulled a Ben, like I threw away something good to hold out for some possibly unattainable ideal. One positive thing that has come of this though . . . a lot of my anger toward Ben has faded now that I have been in his shoes. I recognize that letting someone go who is very into you is not easy. I can't imagine how hard it must have been for him, since we had been together much longer and were much more serious.
As for the guy from last week, I went out with him again yesterday to see a movie. I enjoyed his company, but the conversation seemed just a little bit more strained this time. I texted him earlier to see if he wants to hang out again this week, but no response yet.
My mood is still fairly good. I've taken to snapping my wrist with a rubber band whenever I start thinking about Ben at work. I also am keeping a gratitude journal and using a website called Happify which has exercises designed to improve the quality of your life. I am constantly on the look out for new ways to appreciate what I have and not get down about having lost Ben.
So if anyone has any further ideas, I'd love to hear them!
Things continued to progress with Wes since the last entry. However, I continued to be on the fence about him. Despite the fact that I greatly appreciated his affection and communicativeness, I just couldn't get excited about him. On the physical side of things, he was prematurely bald and had a bit of an overbite, though his smile was nice. On the chemistry side of things I just didn't feel the kind of intellectual compatibility that I had felt with Ben.
Part of me really wanted to continue on with him. He was very into me. He would constantly compliment me, saying how adorable I was. He told me he hadn't felt this way about a guy in a long time. He was super patient, knowing full well I had had my heart broken and was a bit gun shy about getting serious. We did a bunch of things together, including going hiking, going to the movies, and going to the gym. He and his friend (the one that encouraged us to kiss in WeHo) even came down and attended one of my troupe's improv shows with me.
There were several factors that pressured me to make a decision about Wes before things went on much longer. First, his birthday was coming up in a few weeks. I did not want to let him go too close to his special day, nor did I want to feel like I was leading him on when the day came. Second, I continued to want to see other people. When I was dating Ben, I lost the desire to date anyone else because I liked him so much. With Wes, I kept hoping that I would meet someone who would give me a reason to break things off with him. A month after we had first gone out (last Monday), I went out with a new guy and had a really good time. We seemed to have a lot in common, the physical attraction was better, and we seemed to be more on the same wavelength in some ways. Third, I was very worried about doing to Wes what Ben had done to me. I did not want to lead him on, make him think that my feelings were stronger than they really were. If I wasn't feeling it, it was important for me to be honest sooner rather than later.
Tuesday was the latest dinner for the LGBT social group. I invited Wes to come along, as well as my old friend Jake the Australian. Throughout the dinner Wes would reach over and rub my arm as he liked to do. Though I appreciated the gesture, each time he did it made me feel more guilty. When Wes went to the bathroom Jake asked me whether we were dating. My hesitation before responding spoke volumes. I told Jake about how I was worried I was holding out for the same feeling I had felt with Ben. Jake has been going through something similar. Last time we talked we discussed how hard it is to recapture the feeling of one's first love.
I had talked to several other people about it, including my mom, my cousins, friends, and my therapist. Finally I decided I needed to come clean. I had been honest with Wes about how I was taking things slow, but now it was time to be honest that I simply wasn't feeling the same as he was. After the dinner he gave me a ride to my car and I asked him if we could just be friends for now. He was disappointed and a bit confused, but he agreed. Since then he has told me I am still welcome to attend his birthday outing, so that's good.
Since then I have been second guessing myself of course. Even though I don't feel like I led him on, and certainly didn't date him for eight months before being honest, I still feel like I pulled a Ben, like I threw away something good to hold out for some possibly unattainable ideal. One positive thing that has come of this though . . . a lot of my anger toward Ben has faded now that I have been in his shoes. I recognize that letting someone go who is very into you is not easy. I can't imagine how hard it must have been for him, since we had been together much longer and were much more serious.
As for the guy from last week, I went out with him again yesterday to see a movie. I enjoyed his company, but the conversation seemed just a little bit more strained this time. I texted him earlier to see if he wants to hang out again this week, but no response yet.
My mood is still fairly good. I've taken to snapping my wrist with a rubber band whenever I start thinking about Ben at work. I also am keeping a gratitude journal and using a website called Happify which has exercises designed to improve the quality of your life. I am constantly on the look out for new ways to appreciate what I have and not get down about having lost Ben.
So if anyone has any further ideas, I'd love to hear them!
Sunday, September 22, 2013
Things are looking up
Been a while! It has been a busy month.
First off, I'm happy to report that I feel a lot better than I did last month, especially over the last couple of weeks. It has been just about eight months since my break-up (almost as long as we were together), and I FINALLY feel like I'm making progress in getting over it. Not to say that I no longer think about Ben every day. I do. And I still get into sad moods about it and miss him. But, I'm getting a lot better at avoiding dwelling on the good times, and instead focusing on why it didn't work out (namely, his emotional issues and avoidant attachment style). I'm also trying to put less pressure on myself to move on. Before I was giving myself a hard time whenever I thought of him. I'm trying to cut myself some slack now. No matter what Brody said way back in May, it is NOT abnormal the way I've felt towards Ben. I am accepting that I will always have a place in my heart for him and will feel love for him, and that's fine. Nothing to beat myself up over. Overall I'm in better spirits.
I'm also feeling better because I have prospects again. I've been going out with a guy that I met on Grindr of all places. Though I admit the physical attraction could be better (though he does have a great smile), we really seem to be emotionally on the same wavelength. I met up with him and his friends in West Hollywood last night. He really impressed me, and upon some egging on from his friend I ended up going in for a kiss. After that the door was opened and we spent the rest of the night kissing, hugging, holding hands, etc. It was fun, and it made me think of the time I tried to give Ben a kiss in a gay bar and he wasn't comfortable with it. Once again I'm worried about having moved too fast (though at least it wasn't the first date this time). I am a little paranoid about leading someone on and doing to them what Ben did to me. I know not to necessarily expect instant attraction like I felt for Ben, but it's hard not to want to hold out for that since I've experienced it before. I'll be meeting up with the guy on Tuesday. I plan on having a conversation about how I'm not quite ready to get serious yet, but I do want to keep seeing him and getting to know him. I shall dub him Wes.
I decided that I just want to be friends with Jared. He's a little too introverted, a little too feminine, and the herpes thing is stress I don't need. He is a cool guy though. He came along on a hike today. Also along for the ride was Sam, my break up buddy. He is really a sweet guy. I do have some feelings for him, but not sure I'm interested in dating him at this point. I am enjoying our friendship though.
I also went on a date with a new guy last week who is very attractive and has beautiful eyes. We'll be going out again this week hopefully, so we'll see how that goes.
An interesting development: Nick (the grad student that dropped off the face of the Earth) texted me a few weeks ago. He apologized for never responding and asked if I wanted to meet up to grab a beer. We met up last week. Damn is he cute! And I had a great time with him too. But that disappearing act has "avoidant" written all over it. That and he smokes, which is a major turn off. I do want to still hang with him though. I just know better than to pursue a relationship with him. Mixed signals are a red flag that I am paying attention to from now on. I don't need Ben 2.0.
Since I have a number of prospects and have been having positive dating experiences recently, the dating girls idea has been put on the back burner. Honestly I'm probably better off sticking to guys but I will remain open minded. You never know.
In other news, I am obsessed with Steve Grand. He is the openly gay male country singer (though he doesn't actually agree with the "country" label) whose videos went viral over the summer. He only has two songs but they are hugely catchy and sung from a gay perspective. The first two videos below are his songs.
Also, in West Hollywood the other night I spotted the Andrew Christian models Colby Melvin and Brandon Brown! I was a little star struck, haha. They are a couple and are adorable. Check out the third video below.
First off, I'm happy to report that I feel a lot better than I did last month, especially over the last couple of weeks. It has been just about eight months since my break-up (almost as long as we were together), and I FINALLY feel like I'm making progress in getting over it. Not to say that I no longer think about Ben every day. I do. And I still get into sad moods about it and miss him. But, I'm getting a lot better at avoiding dwelling on the good times, and instead focusing on why it didn't work out (namely, his emotional issues and avoidant attachment style). I'm also trying to put less pressure on myself to move on. Before I was giving myself a hard time whenever I thought of him. I'm trying to cut myself some slack now. No matter what Brody said way back in May, it is NOT abnormal the way I've felt towards Ben. I am accepting that I will always have a place in my heart for him and will feel love for him, and that's fine. Nothing to beat myself up over. Overall I'm in better spirits.
I'm also feeling better because I have prospects again. I've been going out with a guy that I met on Grindr of all places. Though I admit the physical attraction could be better (though he does have a great smile), we really seem to be emotionally on the same wavelength. I met up with him and his friends in West Hollywood last night. He really impressed me, and upon some egging on from his friend I ended up going in for a kiss. After that the door was opened and we spent the rest of the night kissing, hugging, holding hands, etc. It was fun, and it made me think of the time I tried to give Ben a kiss in a gay bar and he wasn't comfortable with it. Once again I'm worried about having moved too fast (though at least it wasn't the first date this time). I am a little paranoid about leading someone on and doing to them what Ben did to me. I know not to necessarily expect instant attraction like I felt for Ben, but it's hard not to want to hold out for that since I've experienced it before. I'll be meeting up with the guy on Tuesday. I plan on having a conversation about how I'm not quite ready to get serious yet, but I do want to keep seeing him and getting to know him. I shall dub him Wes.
I decided that I just want to be friends with Jared. He's a little too introverted, a little too feminine, and the herpes thing is stress I don't need. He is a cool guy though. He came along on a hike today. Also along for the ride was Sam, my break up buddy. He is really a sweet guy. I do have some feelings for him, but not sure I'm interested in dating him at this point. I am enjoying our friendship though.
I also went on a date with a new guy last week who is very attractive and has beautiful eyes. We'll be going out again this week hopefully, so we'll see how that goes.
An interesting development: Nick (the grad student that dropped off the face of the Earth) texted me a few weeks ago. He apologized for never responding and asked if I wanted to meet up to grab a beer. We met up last week. Damn is he cute! And I had a great time with him too. But that disappearing act has "avoidant" written all over it. That and he smokes, which is a major turn off. I do want to still hang with him though. I just know better than to pursue a relationship with him. Mixed signals are a red flag that I am paying attention to from now on. I don't need Ben 2.0.
Since I have a number of prospects and have been having positive dating experiences recently, the dating girls idea has been put on the back burner. Honestly I'm probably better off sticking to guys but I will remain open minded. You never know.
In other news, I am obsessed with Steve Grand. He is the openly gay male country singer (though he doesn't actually agree with the "country" label) whose videos went viral over the summer. He only has two songs but they are hugely catchy and sung from a gay perspective. The first two videos below are his songs.
Also, in West Hollywood the other night I spotted the Andrew Christian models Colby Melvin and Brandon Brown! I was a little star struck, haha. They are a couple and are adorable. Check out the third video below.
Saturday, August 31, 2013
Roller coaster of love
Guess I will continue the recent trend of writing a post while I'm in a relative good mood, haha. Just to mix it up from the way I usually do it.
This last week was really tough, one of the toughest in a while. Which exemplifies the roller coaster I've been on. Not tough in the sense that it was hectic or anything. Just mentally tough. I was plagued by depression and anxiety . . . the kind of anxiety that is with you the second you open your eyes in the morning. The sexuality doubts have weighed on me heavily. I have seriously been considering ways that I can get out and try going on dates with women, just to check that off the list and see how I feel. I came across a Meet Up group in LA that organizes "practice dates" for people who want to gain dating experience in a more laid back atmosphere. I'm thinking of looking at that. Once I found out about that some of my anxiety lifted. Another thing that helped was reading polls on the internet about girls and their willingness to date bi guys. There seems to be a fair number of girls out there who don't have a problem with it.
The fact that these two things (the practice dating group and the idea of dating girls not necessarily being a lost cause if you've dated guys) helped lift my mood made me realize a large part of what gets me down: lack of hope. When I feel like things are hopeless I get overwhelmed. When I go months without finding a guy that attracts me a fraction of the amount that Ben did, I get discouraged and start to peek enviously at the greener grass that is the larger heterosexual dating pool. I did a very OCD thing at the height of my worrying: I made a document in which I listed all of the prominent crushes I can remember having in my life, both girls and guys. Both totaled in the 20s, with guys having a slide edge. Then I listed the most prominent characteristics I remembered about each person, to see if one sex or the other really gave me more of an emotional feeling. Generally guys did more, especially if I factor in Lance and Ben, the only two people I can honestly say I've had feelings of love for. But some of the girls had fairly strong feelings too.
My reasoning is, since I am primarily driven by emotional attraction and not at all driven by sexual attraction, it seems like if I found the right girl I could theoretically develop strong feelings just like I did with Ben. It just seems like I would only benefit from increasing the number of prospective partners since I just don't seem all that attracted to most guys I go out with.
Also, my older cousin Gavin got engaged. His fiance, whom I still haven't met, is a fashion model that he met online. I think I partially inspired him to try online dating after my "success." I am happy for him, but I can't help but be a bit jealous.
When I felt like I was at rock bottom I opened up to my mom over the phone. She hasn't always been the most understanding when I talk about my issues, but lately she has had a lot of patience and I greatly appreciate that. She has tried to cheer me up, and instead of doing what many mothers might do and strongly encourage me to date girls, she has instead softly encouraged me to try while also cautioning me to stay true to myself. She really does want what's best for me and my happiness, even if she acknowledges it would be a lot easier for her to be open about my dating life with friends in the Midwest (gossip that she is) if I were dating girls.
As for Jared, I have been continuing to see him. He is definitely the best guy I've dated so far since Ben. He is attractive, smart, affectionate, communicative, straight-forward, and logical. But I remain on the fence with him. We've made out, and last time I saw him I went over to his place and cuddled. However, he's quite feminine, and I don't find that very attractive. Also there's just something missing. I don't have that excited feeling to see him again that I had with Ben from pretty much the very beginning. I'm wondering if I've moved too fast, since we kissed at the first date and started cuddling from the second date on.
The other major problem with Jared . . . he confided in me that he has herpes. He pegged me as the type that might shy away from dating someone who's infected. He has a lot more sexual experiences than I have. Frankly the way I feel is that if I was REALLY into a guy it might be worth the risk since with proper protection you decrease your risk of catching it. But since the other factors have me on the fence, I'm even more unsure.
For now I think I will just try to slow things down. He knows I'm not sure about proceeding, and he has expressed interest in just being friends if I am uncomfortable continuing to date him.
Meanwhile I've been corresponding with a friend of mine, the young law student whom I recently have been advising on getting through his breakup. We hung out a bit last weekend, and since then we've been talking by text every day. I had pretty much friend zoned him, and told him about EVERYTHING that's been bothering me, down to my considering going on dates with girls to broaden my options. Despite this, he has asked if I might want to go on a date sometime down the road once we have both healed more and if things don't work out with Jared or girls. I was so flattered. He is really a super sweet guy. Great sense of humor, good conversationalist, friendly and kind of cute. And I know from our conversations that we are emotionally on the same wavelength as far as our attachment styles go. So, that's on the backburner. He lives quite far away, but you never know. I'll give him a name. He shall be called Sam.
Busy three day weekend ahead. Lunch date tomorrow with a new guy that seems pretty nice. I met him on Grindr and it seems we have a lot in common. Also looks to have a pretty nice body. He cancelled on me once but has been decent about rescheduling so I don't think I have another Eric on my hands. We'll see how it goes. Then in the afternoon is a yoga class with the LGBT social group.
The improv troupe is going well. I made a tough decision this week. I'm trying to take a very impacted class at a local community college for a possible masters program I might apply to. But the scheduling came down to either the class or improv. I chose improv. I know the class may have been the better choice careerwise, but there's always next semester. And the improv troupe is the best thing that has happened to me in a while. It's an opportunity I do not wish to pass up. It has been the highlight of my week, the thing that lifts me up when I'm feeling down. I'm not in a hurry to throw it away.
This last week was really tough, one of the toughest in a while. Which exemplifies the roller coaster I've been on. Not tough in the sense that it was hectic or anything. Just mentally tough. I was plagued by depression and anxiety . . . the kind of anxiety that is with you the second you open your eyes in the morning. The sexuality doubts have weighed on me heavily. I have seriously been considering ways that I can get out and try going on dates with women, just to check that off the list and see how I feel. I came across a Meet Up group in LA that organizes "practice dates" for people who want to gain dating experience in a more laid back atmosphere. I'm thinking of looking at that. Once I found out about that some of my anxiety lifted. Another thing that helped was reading polls on the internet about girls and their willingness to date bi guys. There seems to be a fair number of girls out there who don't have a problem with it.
The fact that these two things (the practice dating group and the idea of dating girls not necessarily being a lost cause if you've dated guys) helped lift my mood made me realize a large part of what gets me down: lack of hope. When I feel like things are hopeless I get overwhelmed. When I go months without finding a guy that attracts me a fraction of the amount that Ben did, I get discouraged and start to peek enviously at the greener grass that is the larger heterosexual dating pool. I did a very OCD thing at the height of my worrying: I made a document in which I listed all of the prominent crushes I can remember having in my life, both girls and guys. Both totaled in the 20s, with guys having a slide edge. Then I listed the most prominent characteristics I remembered about each person, to see if one sex or the other really gave me more of an emotional feeling. Generally guys did more, especially if I factor in Lance and Ben, the only two people I can honestly say I've had feelings of love for. But some of the girls had fairly strong feelings too.
My reasoning is, since I am primarily driven by emotional attraction and not at all driven by sexual attraction, it seems like if I found the right girl I could theoretically develop strong feelings just like I did with Ben. It just seems like I would only benefit from increasing the number of prospective partners since I just don't seem all that attracted to most guys I go out with.
Also, my older cousin Gavin got engaged. His fiance, whom I still haven't met, is a fashion model that he met online. I think I partially inspired him to try online dating after my "success." I am happy for him, but I can't help but be a bit jealous.
When I felt like I was at rock bottom I opened up to my mom over the phone. She hasn't always been the most understanding when I talk about my issues, but lately she has had a lot of patience and I greatly appreciate that. She has tried to cheer me up, and instead of doing what many mothers might do and strongly encourage me to date girls, she has instead softly encouraged me to try while also cautioning me to stay true to myself. She really does want what's best for me and my happiness, even if she acknowledges it would be a lot easier for her to be open about my dating life with friends in the Midwest (gossip that she is) if I were dating girls.
As for Jared, I have been continuing to see him. He is definitely the best guy I've dated so far since Ben. He is attractive, smart, affectionate, communicative, straight-forward, and logical. But I remain on the fence with him. We've made out, and last time I saw him I went over to his place and cuddled. However, he's quite feminine, and I don't find that very attractive. Also there's just something missing. I don't have that excited feeling to see him again that I had with Ben from pretty much the very beginning. I'm wondering if I've moved too fast, since we kissed at the first date and started cuddling from the second date on.
The other major problem with Jared . . . he confided in me that he has herpes. He pegged me as the type that might shy away from dating someone who's infected. He has a lot more sexual experiences than I have. Frankly the way I feel is that if I was REALLY into a guy it might be worth the risk since with proper protection you decrease your risk of catching it. But since the other factors have me on the fence, I'm even more unsure.
For now I think I will just try to slow things down. He knows I'm not sure about proceeding, and he has expressed interest in just being friends if I am uncomfortable continuing to date him.
Meanwhile I've been corresponding with a friend of mine, the young law student whom I recently have been advising on getting through his breakup. We hung out a bit last weekend, and since then we've been talking by text every day. I had pretty much friend zoned him, and told him about EVERYTHING that's been bothering me, down to my considering going on dates with girls to broaden my options. Despite this, he has asked if I might want to go on a date sometime down the road once we have both healed more and if things don't work out with Jared or girls. I was so flattered. He is really a super sweet guy. Great sense of humor, good conversationalist, friendly and kind of cute. And I know from our conversations that we are emotionally on the same wavelength as far as our attachment styles go. So, that's on the backburner. He lives quite far away, but you never know. I'll give him a name. He shall be called Sam.
Busy three day weekend ahead. Lunch date tomorrow with a new guy that seems pretty nice. I met him on Grindr and it seems we have a lot in common. Also looks to have a pretty nice body. He cancelled on me once but has been decent about rescheduling so I don't think I have another Eric on my hands. We'll see how it goes. Then in the afternoon is a yoga class with the LGBT social group.
The improv troupe is going well. I made a tough decision this week. I'm trying to take a very impacted class at a local community college for a possible masters program I might apply to. But the scheduling came down to either the class or improv. I chose improv. I know the class may have been the better choice careerwise, but there's always next semester. And the improv troupe is the best thing that has happened to me in a while. It's an opportunity I do not wish to pass up. It has been the highlight of my week, the thing that lifts me up when I'm feeling down. I'm not in a hurry to throw it away.
Saturday, August 17, 2013
A much needed pick me up
Seems like whenever I hit emotional rock bottom I have a good first date to lift my spirits, haha.
I had dinner at a sushi restaurant with a guy I met on Grindr last night. Recent law school graduate. I will assign him the name Jared. For no particular reason, haha.
The shopping center where the restaurant was is always super crowded and parking is a nightmare. Jared lucked out and found a spot immediately, but I wasn't so lucky. I drove around the lot in a futile attempt before deciding to try my luck across the street. I saw him waiting outside the restaurant as I drove by, so I shouted, "Be with you eventually, Jared!" He laughed and then texted me an apology for picking a place with such a bad parking situation.
Fifteen minutes later or so I finally joined him. Immediately I noticed that he is quite a bit more on the feminine-acting side than most of the guys I've gone out with, as far as his voice and some of his mannerisms. However, he is also extremely cute.
I informed Jared that I was quite the sushi newbie, having only started eating it within the past year (in order to impress Ben, but I naturally left out that part, haha). I let him take the lead as far as deciding what rolls to order, with my input as far as my likes. We ended up ordering three different rolls, and all were quite good. Salmon, shrimp tempura, and the "spider roll." I was stuffed afterward. Jared is quite skinny and said he doesn't usually eat very much, so hopefully I didn't make him eat more than he wanted, haha.
The conversation was good. We covered a lot of topics from family, travel, school, hobbies, to coming out. I was pleasantly surprised that he was a relative late bloomer too. He didn't first get an inkling that he might be gay until he was 20, which is actually later than me (it was 18 for me). I was a bit disappointed to find out that he is not very close with his family, and his mom is a bit uncomfortable with his sexuality.
Overall the date was very nice. And in the end I was glad I parked across the street. Jared offered to drive me back to my car. He pulled over next to it and we hugged. I gave him a peck on the cheek and he sort of giggled. I decided to go for the whole enchilada. We chatted a bit more about his upcoming trip to Vegas (he was leaving after our date), and then I went for the full kiss. We kissed a bit, and then I took my leave with a smile, wishing him a safe journey.
While driving away from the parking lot I saw him pull over at a gas station to fill up. A few minutes later I received a text from him saying what a pleasure it was meeting me. I was happy that he felt comfortable sending that text so quickly. When I got home I replied, and told him I thought he was extremely cute. He reciprocated the compliment, and said I had great eyes and a great smile.
Today he texted me to say hi and we began chatting. He made it to Vegas and is hanging out with his friends. I was happy that he reached out. There may be potential with this one. He lives close, and he's not evasive. Nor does he seem to be the type to give mixed signals.
Speaking of mixed signals, I got closure in the Eric situation. After still not getting a confirmation from him about meeting up today, I texted him to say, "Never heard back from you man. What's up? Please don't leave me hanging. The ball is in your court."
Eric soon replied, "I'm sorry I've been so MIA. I'm just really trying to keep up. I don't mean to leave you hanging. You're a funny talented beautiful guy and I would be honored to be in a relationship with someone like you but I can't be your guy right now. I'm just not ready or able to date. Just decided to refocus on myself. I hope all the best with you and your career."
Well, I'm glad he finally was open with me. He's obviously got issues and I don't need to deal with that. I replied back that I was sorry if the first date went a little too fast, I just really liked him. I told him I wanted to get to know him better, even if just as a friend, and he knew where to find me.
So I can close the door on that guy. Bummer, but at least this revelation came after my good date with Jared.
As for the other guy that I was corresponding with on Grindr (the one who went to Texas on business), I finally met up with him after improv practice the other night. It was really late and he seemed pretty exhausted. Nice guy and decent conversation, but our texting chemistry didn't really seem to translate to in person, haha. Perhaps he's friend material.
I am still so happy I got into the improv troupe. Weekly practice is a great way to recharge my batteries, especially when I feel like I did well. And it gives me something interesting to share with people. Jared was impressed at how many hobbies I have (improv, guitar, hiking, etc)
Ben continues to "like" my Facebook statuses, especially anything related to my improv exploits. I've been on the fence about whether to ask him to stop or just tolerate it until I'm desensitized. I'll leave it alone for now.
So my mood is better. Here's hoping it sticks for a while.
I had dinner at a sushi restaurant with a guy I met on Grindr last night. Recent law school graduate. I will assign him the name Jared. For no particular reason, haha.
The shopping center where the restaurant was is always super crowded and parking is a nightmare. Jared lucked out and found a spot immediately, but I wasn't so lucky. I drove around the lot in a futile attempt before deciding to try my luck across the street. I saw him waiting outside the restaurant as I drove by, so I shouted, "Be with you eventually, Jared!" He laughed and then texted me an apology for picking a place with such a bad parking situation.
Fifteen minutes later or so I finally joined him. Immediately I noticed that he is quite a bit more on the feminine-acting side than most of the guys I've gone out with, as far as his voice and some of his mannerisms. However, he is also extremely cute.
I informed Jared that I was quite the sushi newbie, having only started eating it within the past year (in order to impress Ben, but I naturally left out that part, haha). I let him take the lead as far as deciding what rolls to order, with my input as far as my likes. We ended up ordering three different rolls, and all were quite good. Salmon, shrimp tempura, and the "spider roll." I was stuffed afterward. Jared is quite skinny and said he doesn't usually eat very much, so hopefully I didn't make him eat more than he wanted, haha.
The conversation was good. We covered a lot of topics from family, travel, school, hobbies, to coming out. I was pleasantly surprised that he was a relative late bloomer too. He didn't first get an inkling that he might be gay until he was 20, which is actually later than me (it was 18 for me). I was a bit disappointed to find out that he is not very close with his family, and his mom is a bit uncomfortable with his sexuality.
Overall the date was very nice. And in the end I was glad I parked across the street. Jared offered to drive me back to my car. He pulled over next to it and we hugged. I gave him a peck on the cheek and he sort of giggled. I decided to go for the whole enchilada. We chatted a bit more about his upcoming trip to Vegas (he was leaving after our date), and then I went for the full kiss. We kissed a bit, and then I took my leave with a smile, wishing him a safe journey.
While driving away from the parking lot I saw him pull over at a gas station to fill up. A few minutes later I received a text from him saying what a pleasure it was meeting me. I was happy that he felt comfortable sending that text so quickly. When I got home I replied, and told him I thought he was extremely cute. He reciprocated the compliment, and said I had great eyes and a great smile.
Today he texted me to say hi and we began chatting. He made it to Vegas and is hanging out with his friends. I was happy that he reached out. There may be potential with this one. He lives close, and he's not evasive. Nor does he seem to be the type to give mixed signals.
Speaking of mixed signals, I got closure in the Eric situation. After still not getting a confirmation from him about meeting up today, I texted him to say, "Never heard back from you man. What's up? Please don't leave me hanging. The ball is in your court."
Eric soon replied, "I'm sorry I've been so MIA. I'm just really trying to keep up. I don't mean to leave you hanging. You're a funny talented beautiful guy and I would be honored to be in a relationship with someone like you but I can't be your guy right now. I'm just not ready or able to date. Just decided to refocus on myself. I hope all the best with you and your career."
Well, I'm glad he finally was open with me. He's obviously got issues and I don't need to deal with that. I replied back that I was sorry if the first date went a little too fast, I just really liked him. I told him I wanted to get to know him better, even if just as a friend, and he knew where to find me.
So I can close the door on that guy. Bummer, but at least this revelation came after my good date with Jared.
As for the other guy that I was corresponding with on Grindr (the one who went to Texas on business), I finally met up with him after improv practice the other night. It was really late and he seemed pretty exhausted. Nice guy and decent conversation, but our texting chemistry didn't really seem to translate to in person, haha. Perhaps he's friend material.
I am still so happy I got into the improv troupe. Weekly practice is a great way to recharge my batteries, especially when I feel like I did well. And it gives me something interesting to share with people. Jared was impressed at how many hobbies I have (improv, guitar, hiking, etc)
Ben continues to "like" my Facebook statuses, especially anything related to my improv exploits. I've been on the fence about whether to ask him to stop or just tolerate it until I'm desensitized. I'll leave it alone for now.
So my mood is better. Here's hoping it sticks for a while.
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Ok maybe spoke too soon
Depressing entry alert. If you don't want to hear me whine you might want to skip this one. But it's therapeutic. So here we go.
Now I'm back to what seems like my baseline state of 2013 . . . depressed and anxious. It sucks.
Hopefully improv practice tomorrow will lighten my mood.
Dating has me frustrated. What else is new? I finally got a hold of Kyle, the Filipino guy that I went kayaking with back in June. He's back from his travels and is open to meeting up. BUT only as friends . . . he's in a relationship now. He met someone on his trip and is now in a long distance relationship. As for Lawrence, the law student who I kissed last week . . . he's seeing someone seriously too. Two friend zones in one day! Bam! How come everyone under the sun but Cal is managing to find a relationship?
I cannot for the life of me get Ben out of my head. It has been nearly seven frickin' months! Get out of my head! I gave up trying to be friends months ago, and haven't had contact with him since the birthday exchange in early July. But images, memories, and feelings still torment me at all hours of the day. Whenever I let my guard down I start ruminating about the hurt he caused me, about the mistake he made driving our relationship into the ground to seek greener pastures, and about the wonderful eight months that I will never experience again. And about the seemingly futile pursuit of a guy who can make me feel the same way he did.
The behavior of certain guys disturbs me to no end. I was ready to write off Eric when he texted me last week and expressed interest in meeting up again (unprovoked). So I let him know this Saturday was free. He said he was free after 2. No further plans discussed. So I texted him today, just asking him "How are you?" No answer. And on my new iPhone I can see that he read it. How can you not answer a stupid little message? What is going through his head? You're either interested or you're not! I give up with that guy. As far as I'm concerned I have no plans on Saturday unless he contacts me.
Then there's always Nick, one of the very few guys I've gone out with that I actually thought was really cute. Two good dates and then nothing. Total disappearance. I can only assume something spooked him about me having lunch with our mutual friend. I don't know why. Maybe something between them. It's been a while now but that rejection holds special hurt for me because it was so unexplained.
And I am still plagued nonstop by sexuality doubts. I know several of you have commented on my past worries that I was asexual. Well, sad to say that they have by no means gone away. I don't have sexual feelings, period. Frankly I'm having a hard time even remembering why I decided to date guys instead of girls in the first place. The loneliness is driving me crazy, and the idea of a larger dating pool is enticing. I once again find myself looking at girls, thinking, "Well, how do I know if I don't try?" I think of my cousins and friends that are happy in relationships and I get so down on myself for being this way. Why can't I just have a clear direction? I desire "someone" but whether that someone should be a guy or whether it could also be a girl I just simply can't say. I feel like it could theoretically be either as long as the feelings were there, like they were with Ben. Which makes me feel like a pretender calling myself gay and hanging out with gay friends. All of these guys have sexual desires that are foreign to me. I feel like fundamentally I'm no more gay than I am straight. Only my history now tips the scale toward gay.
I was actually propositioned by a couple on Grindr the other day. They were in town on vacation and wanted to have some fun with a third. No anal, just hand jobs and blow jobs, and making out. I almost went for it. Even though that would fly in the face of what has been my morality for as long as I can remember. Just because I wanted the experience, wanted to increase my sexual repertoire. Wanted to feel like a normal, hot-blooded sexual guy. Hoped against hope that the experience would cause something to click for me. The guy messaging me sent me pictures of his and his partner's dicks to "entice" me. They didn't do much for me . . . I have feelings for people, not genitals. Anyways the guys ended up flaking out right when I started to warm up to the idea. Maybe it's for the best.
Honestly the improv thing is the only positive development in my life right now. Professionally I'm stagnant and have been for some time. Sure my job sounds impressive when I describe it to people (medical related, working with patients). But I haven't moved up rank wise in the past five years, I still am wishy washy about my next step since med school fell through, and I feel unproductive at work due to my procrastinating tendencies and general mental state. I seem to have lost all motivation for advancing my career. What's the point? Amass wealth for the house, wife, and 2.5 kids that I'm never going to have?
My thirties are rapidly approaching and I just wish I could turn back the clock and relive college again. Back when I was at the same level as everyone else and didn't feel like I was falling behind while everyone else grew up and left me in the dust, still asking myself the same questions I've been asking myself ever since I started this blog.
Who am I?
What do I want?
What should I do?
What do I have to offer anyone?
Will I always be alone?
P.S. I know this was a depressing entry, I just needed to vent. I know about counting my blessings. I have a lot to be thankful for. And after working with patients with some pretty horrible diseases I especially appreciate my health and youth. Please remember these entries are indicative of the mood I am in when I sit down to write them.
Sunday, August 11, 2013
Getting better
Hello all,
Just been enjoying a relaxing weekend with family. My parents are in town so I've been visiting with them, my sisters, nephews and nieces. My cousin Roger came into town to see everyone as well.
Several bits of news.
First: I actually did hear back from Eric again. He texted me Wednesday morning and even sent a pic of his dad's get well cake. Next best thing to a doctor's note, lol. He even was the one to propose getting together for a date day, such as going to the beach or something. The only downside, he put the scheduling ball back in my court by saying, "If you're ever free on a Saturday..." So much for his promise to meet me halfway this week. So I'm still a little disappointed that he's not more proactive about setting a day, but at least he does want to see me again. I'll probably text him and say I'm free next Saturday, then see what he does with that information, haha.
Tuesday I had a first date with a law student. Quite tall and a black/white mix, which seems to be a pretty cool combo :) Then again I seem to be attracted to guys of mixed ethnicity. Two of the three guys I had kissed previously were a mix (Ben and Josh). I'm not sure about Eric. Guess we can call this new guy Lawrence, because it has the word "law" in it. That's right, I'm original like that. Anyways, we had drinks and chatted. We covered some dangerous first-date topics like coming out experiences and past relationships. Intriguingly, Lawrence was engaged to a woman at one point before coming out. I managed to talk about my relationship very briefly without hinting at how much and for how long its end affected me. Anyways, the conversation was good. I feel my demeanor was nice and friendly throughout, though I may have smiled a little too much, lol. Afterward he walked me back to the structure where I parked and we parted with a kiss. Heck yeah, first kiss number four and it was nice. My first first kiss standing up, and the first done in a public place rather than in a house or a parked car.
I texted Lawrence the next day to let him know that I enjoyed meeting him, and would like to meet up again sometime. He concurred, although I didn't detect much enthusiasm (probably over thinking, it was a text after all). I said I would love to see his new kitten sometime. He responded, "Is that just your way of getting me to invite you up lol" I responded that I wasn't that sneaky, haha. Not sure if he was being flirtatious or what. He hasn't initiated contact since then. I'll probably hit him up soon. I know he's busy getting ready for classes.
Last weekend I finally joined the rest of civilized society and got a smartphone. So of course what do I do that same day . . . Download Grindr. Now before I was against using that app due to its reputation as a hookup app. However, I keep hearing stories of guys meeting their boyfriends on there (including my friend YouTube Guy), so I decided it wouldn't hurt to use it, as long as my intentions are made clear and I don't mind being propositioned once in a while.
I got into conversations with several guys. One happens to be from the state that my parents retired to. Eventually we traded numbers and we've been texting back and forth throughout the week. He went on a business trip to Texas and passed a bit of his downtime chatting with me. He also taught me how to use Emojis, the cute little colorful emoticons. He's pretty cute in his pictures and seems really nice. I'm planning to meet up with him in a few days.
Another guy from Grindr lives near where I'm staying this weekend. Once I leave my sister's house I'm planning to meet up with him. We traded Instagram info. He's really cute.
Other bit of news this week: I got into the local improv troupe. That was exciting. I posted the news on Facebook and got a lot of likes. I was happy, a mood I havent had much since January. Also on Facebook I got some comments of congrats, including from Ben. That got me thinking about him again, sigh. But this troupe will be good. It will give me something to keep my mind occupied. Something I may not have even done if I were still with him.
So, things are going pretty well right now. Nice to not be rejected for once, after being academically and personally rejected at the beginning of this year. Nice that someone recognizes the awesomeness that is Cal. Haha.
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