Good times with good friends

I had a great weekend. But first, flashback to last weekend. I had started an entry after Sunday night but never published it . . . here's the gist . . .

I hung out with my friends the gay couple last Sunday night. I'm going to have to assign them names . . . oh boy. How about Howie and Adam. We went out for pizza and beer and talked. They were telling me about a young LGBT professionals group that they go to meetings for. I might have to check that out sometime. After dinner we went back and watched movies. But not just any movies . . . Howie is a self-professed connoisseur of horrible movies. So we watched "Blubberella," a movie by the ludicrous German director, Uwe Boll. It is probably the most tasteless, pointless, poorly acted, cobbled-together mess of a movie I have ever seen . . . and yet it is strangely hilarious at times. After doing a little reading I learned that the movie is a parody of Boll's own "Bloodrayne 3." A scene-for-scene parody. Starring many of the same actors. Filmed on the same sets. At the same time. Words cannot express how . . . nope, I've got nothing.

The rest of the unpublished entry was a bunch of blah about how I was feeling at the time, but I'm not feeling that way anymore so let's move on, shall we?

This weekend was all sorts of fun. Friday night I went out with a new guy. This one I'm on the fence about. He lives quite far away. About an hour without traffic (and there's always traffic in his direction). He's quite nerdy, which I don't really find attractive . . . I hate to say that since I'm not the most unnerdy guy in the world, but it is what it is. We did have quite a bit in common though. Came out and started dating about the same time. Were both in Madrid around the same time in 2010 (crazy, haha). He's from the same small desert town that my grandma used to live in. And we're both addicted to the TV show Supernatural. At the very least he has some friend potential. But my rule of thumb is, if the conversation is good and a guy seems like a good person, then I will give them at least 2 dates. I've only turned down a second date from one guy thus far, and that's because the conversation was just too awkward between us.

Saturday I met up with Alex, a guy of Italian heritage that I had met up with once previously. He's really cool. We went kayaking, which was a lot of fun. As usual with kayaking, I couldn't quite keep up (I need to work on my endurance). So I was definitely tired by the end of it! And super sore today. We ate at a delicious Mediterranean food place that is Alex's favorite restaurant. I'm not sure what Alex's feelings toward me are. I get the feeling I am squarely in the friend zone, which is okay. He's a nice guy and I'd like to hang out with him periodically. After that I hung out with my friend Tom. He has matured so much over the time that I have known him. While he still lives in a world of his own in a lot of ways, he is so much more pleasant to be around now that he has mellowed out significantly. I can honestly say I enjoy his company now that the dynamic of our friendship is a lot more balanced than it once was.

Today I hung out with Brody. He really impressed me today. We had lunch and then went to the beach. I brought along my guitar and played a bunch of songs for him (a bunch of the songs I have committed to memory, such as various tunes by Collective Soul, Pearl Jam, Oasis, Creedence Clearwater Revival, Stone Temple Pilots, and the Doobie Brothers). We hung out and talked and he then drove us back to his place. Before I left we talked some more and got into talking about gay dating. Brody really sounds like he's gotten quite jaded with guys in the LA and Orange County scene. He feels that both places are filled with superficial guys who care more about image and money than depth of relationships. He says that since moving to California he has been treated very cruelly by several people and has even considered moving back to the east coast. He views our new friendship as a breath of fresh air, as apparently I am one of the few genuinely nice, open-minded, and caring guys that he has met around here. That really melted my heart, haha. We also got into the subject of anxiety among gay men, which led me to vent a little about Ben and also question Brody a bit more about his OCDish episode. Turns out since we had the conversation about it last weekend he has definitely changed his mind about it. He realizes he was out of line and was even quite worried that he had messed up our friendship. I'll admit, if I wasn't such an open-minded and patient person I may have just run the other way after that. But I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. Brody apologized for his behavior and promised to never do something like that again. I told him not to worry about it, all was forgiven. Now, I'm still not looking for anymore than friendship from Brody at this point. I do worry that he would be a tad too emotionally needy. But I'm enjoying getting to know him as a friend, and I'm glad to be a ray of sunshine in his thus-far rather gloomy perception of Southern California :-)

As for Ben, well the healing still continues. I actually cried a bit today for the first time in a while. First when I was thinking of him and how I wanted him back in my life someday (when I'm emotionally ready, I realize that may be a while). Then when I heard the song "Here Without You" by 3 Doors Down. That song is also one I played for Brody on the beach, so that'll be the song of the day.

Latest dating exploits

It's been an interesting weekend so far.

Friday night I met up with a guy that I've been corresponding with for quite some time. We ate at a really good Italian restaurant and had a good conversation. He's really nice and fun. A little bit on the fem side, but he's quite good looking and we have some things in common. I look forward to seeing him again. He lives pretty close and actually grew up in the area. The most interesting revelation: his best friend is the sister of one of the guys who bullied me in high school. So if I were to date this guy, chances are I'd eventually see that jerk again, haha.

After the date I was getting ready for bed when I got a text from Brody. He was going out dancing at a bar where a guy he knows was DJing, and wanted me to go with him. By then it was already 11 PM and I'm not usually one for such spontaneity, but I decided to go. It was pretty fun. However, Brody threw up some red flags by the end of the night. Through his interactions with some of the people at the bar it became apparent to me that he can be a bit oblivious to social cues, such as when someone is not in the mood to talk. This was further confirmed after we left the bar, when we were talking in his car. By then it was very late, going on 3 in the morning. I was very tired, and dropped a couple hints about wanting to head home. Despite this, Brody still continued to talk.

When we got back to my place finally, it was approaching 4. I am not a late night owl. I get stressed out when I'm up that late. Brody asked if he could use my bathroom before going home, and I said sure. What's the harm? Just a quick in and out. He came in and went in the bathroom. Ten minutes later he was still in there. I listened through the door and heard the water running. At this point I was getting very anxious. What was going on in there? Was he sick? Finally I knocked on the door, and Brody said I could come in. I opened the door . . . and Brody was cleaning the sink and the counter top. I asked him if he had been sick. He said no, he was just a little OCD and decided to clean since the sink and counter were quite dirty. This is at 4 in the morning, mind you. Here I am, waiting to go to bed until Brody has left, and he takes it upon himself to clean the bathroom. I was quite flabbergasted. I told him I was waiting to use the bathroom. He said I could go ahead and use it, he promised not to look. I brought in some paper towels since he had been using toilet paper. After he had used them a bit he asked for me to put them away or else he would continue cleaning. Oh my God, I thought to myself. He wasn't kidding about the OCD thing. I told him he really didn't have to do this, that it was very late. He responded that a "thank you" would have been nice. I told him I appreciated him doing what he did, but it was very late and I needed to go to bed. Finally, he took off.

We had previously made plans to meet up on Saturday, so we did. I took this opportunity to express my discomfort with his behavior the night before. He explained to me that doing "random acts of kindness" is his thing. I told him that even with kind acts there is an appropriate time and place, and I felt that he had crossed the line by keeping me up at 4 in the morning to clean the bathroom without telling me what he was doing. He seemed to think I was making a mountain out of a molehill, but I told him that it had bothered me and I felt I needed to be up front about this. I think I will have to approach friendship with Brody much like I have with my friend Tom. With patience and caution.

Other than that, our conversation was good. He definitely relates to my more companionship-centered view of relationships. He even described himself as asexual at one point. How perfect that would be if it weren't for his other idiosyncrasies. At this point I will (cautiously) pursue friendship with him, but I don't really think he's what I'm looking for romantically. He's just too much on a different wavelength.

Last night the guy I met up with a few weekends ago in LA came down to my neck of the woods to have dinner with me. He's a nice guy, but I don't think the attraction is there for me. I do think he likes me though. Of course. Reciprocity is so hard to find.

The guy I went out with last week (the one who owns his own business) has placed me in the Friend Zone. I texted him to see if he wanted to meet up again sometime. He said that would be great, but he sees us more as friends. That's fine, I'm just glad he didn't use the words "chemistry" or "spark."

So bottom line, I've been keeping busy meeting guys. I'm still confused though. I've definitely learned a lot about myself. I'm still frustrated by how hard it is to find mutual interest. Guys that like me I'm not into, and guys I like aren't into me. I guess that's pretty common. I still occasionally wonder what it would be like to give girls a try. I still wonder whether I would find "chemistry" more often if I was more sexually driven. I wonder whether I shouldn't just focus on career and give up on being proactive in trying to find a relationship. I wonder whether I get too invested in relationships and should just focus on myself. I wonder why sexuality has to be so freaking complicated. I wonder what it was about Ben that made me fall for him so much, and why I can't find that again. After all, he was the SECOND guy I ever went out with. Now I've gone out with more than 20 and he's STILL the only one that had that effect on me. WTF?

Filling the weekends

Hi y'all,

It's been my goal to keep the weekends as full as possible (as you could probably tell since the last two entries were weekend-centric, haha). So far I've been quite successful.

This past weekend started in my neck of the woods and then moved to LA for various fun times. First on Friday, I met up with a new guy. He runs his own business in the area. Very cute (one of the cutest I've met), and good conversation (not to mention the restaurant he picked was excellent!). I'm not sure what he thought of me, so I'll probably text him again midweek to check in. Afterward I caught up virtually with my cousin Gavin. He is the oldest of the three brothers (the other two being Roger and Brad, gosh it's getting hard to keep these fake names straight . . . I"m going to have to create a guide, haha). We played some online video games and chatted. He lives on the East Coast and was the cousin I was closest to growing up. Now that he's so far away I've actually become closer to the other two, but I still enjoy keeping in touch with him. He's been the initiator in a breakup before so he's had an interesting perspective to hear over the past couple months.

On Saturday I met up with Brody for the second time. He's the one who was the big talker when I first met him. I feel like we had a more balanced conversation this time. He's an interesting guy. Super nice and genuine. I can also tell that he values relationships like I do, from some of the stories and perspectives he shared with me. We also discovered a really cool restaurant that I'd like to go back to sometime. As usual I ended up hanging out with him a lot longer than I expected. At the end we talked about some future activities we could plan. He's also huge into music, so he wants me to bring my guitar down to the beach sometime. Sounds like a fun time to me! He was also telling me about how cool San Diego is, particularly the "gay area" of Hillcrest. I suggested we take a day trip down there some time so he could show me around. He was excited by the idea.

Immediately after we parted ways I jumped in my car to make it up to LA and meet my friends Nina and Walter at a show in North Hollywood. It was at a small independent theater that I'd been to before (with Ben, ugh . . . we really got around). The show was bizarre. It was a horror-themed show. Imagine if you could peer into someone's nightmares with a remote control in hand to change the channels. That's what it was like. Interesting, disturbing . . . not sure I'd see it again but it was a good experience. Would be excellent on Halloween. Afterward we went to a bar to hang out. The girls in the group were at a gay bar, but being among a bunch of straight guys the majority opinion was to go to a nearby Tiki Bar instead. The girls eventually joined us. Nina had been scoping out the crowd for me of course, haha. I spent the time chatting with a friend of a friend who was extremely hot. Straight of course, but a really cool guy. The night ended at the apartment of one of the guys in the group. Nina took this opportunity to have me try on some shirts that she'd brought for me (it is her mission to hot me up, haha). So I put on a little fashion show for her, her friend, and her boyfriend. Oh man, did those girls like the shirts. They were both quite tipsy, and they could barely keep their hands off of me. They definitely boosted my self esteem (and added evidence to my lack of attraction for girls, lol)!

I spent the night at Roger's place in LA. My friend Walter did too, because unfortunately his car got towed. I had to get up early to take him to pick it up (also there were guys who came to Roger's to remodel the bathroom) so I only got four hours of sleep. After I had breakfast with Walter I returned to Roger's and spent time with him. I helped him deal with a complicated roommate situation (long story) and then we went to the gym. We had a great workout. Roger has a pretty great physique, he works out religiously and has a strict diet. He's interested in modeling, though he doesn't have much experience and doesn't quite have the looks for it (not that he's ugly, just doesn't really have the "pretty boy" thing going on). It was nice having a workout buddy again. I only do bench press with the barbells if I have a spotter. While at the gym we saw a guy who Roger was convinced was the fitness model Greg Plitt. I'm not quite convinced, but he was incredibly buff whoever he was.

Finally, we got together with Lance to have dinner and see a movie. I wanted to see the Oz movie, but once again my gay preferences got overruled, haha. We saw "Olympus Has Fallen," which my mom had recommended to me. It was alright, just rather unoriginal. It was basically "Die Hard" set in the White House.

Today my sleep deprivation caught up to me. I had to go into work early so I was quite tired, and then ended up leaving early due to some weird indigestion. I rarely have stomach issues these days, so it caught me off-guard (I blame that damn breakfast sandwich from the snack cart!) I came home around 2, fell asleep and didn't wake up until after 6. After dinner I chatted with a new guy on the phone for an hour. Really nice dude. We have similar interests, he has a great sense of humor, and he lives close by. We might try to meet up Friday.

So, to summarize where I'm at . . . I'm keeping busy, making a lot of new friends and acquaintances, going on dates. I've met up with about 20 guys now since I first entered the dating scene early 2012. As for potential relationships . . . well, it's too soon to tell. I'm not in a hurry to start another one. Brody is really cool. I don't feel quite as into him at this stage as I did with Ben, but I don't want to make that experience the rule. I am open to seeing where things go. At the very least I see him as being good friend material. Other than him there's the new guy I spoke to today and the one I met on Friday night. Both are cute, nice, and good conversationalists. Then a couple others that are farther away . . . the guy from LA a few weekends ago and various others who I haven't met up with yet. I'd definitely prefer to date someone closer this time around. As cool as it was to explore LA so much in my first relationship, it limited the amount of time we could spend together (and made for a lot of drive time and gas money).

This weekend I plan to visit a gay couple that I've become friends with over the last couple months. That should be cool. I also have some friends visiting from the bay area, so a bunch of us might get together with them.

The day I really need to plan something for is Cinco de Mayo. Janice and I are going to go to a conference on May 4th, but I really want to keep myself SUPER busy on the 5th. Last year the 5th was one of the best days of my life and I want this year to give it a run for its money. Obviously it likely won't compete as far as life importance, but as far as amount of fun I think it's worth a shot. As for Operation: Friend Zone, that will have to wait until after the 5th. I don't want to deal with that until our would-have-been 1 year anniversary is past.

Easter weekend

Guess what guys? I'm back with Ben!!!!


Okay April Fools. Sorry, I couldn't resist :-)

Seriously though, the progress I am making continues. He is still on my mind a LOT, but the desire to contact him is diminishing. I actually don't know if I'll keep up the monthly check-in thing. I'm torn about it. On the one hand, I do want to keep the lines of communication open in preparation of an eventual friendship. On the other hand, if its a regular thing I might have him on my mind too much (2 weeks to contact him, okay now one week!) I also don't want to feel pathetic, like I'm jumping through hoops to maintain friendship.

I visited family over the Easter weekend. I traveled up to the California Central Coast with my cousin Roger. His brother, Brad, drove down from Northern California to meet us. We all stayed with our uncle, whom they haven't seen in several years (ever since their dad and him had a falling out). It was an amazing, relaxing trip (well, except for the part where Roger's gas meter was inaccurate and we ran out of gas on the 101 freeway). I spoke at length to several people over the trip about the break up and my conflicted desires to move on, yet remain friends. The advice was mixed. My uncle, aunt, and oldest cousin stressed the difficulty of being friends with an ex, and suggested I just put it completely out of my mind and let it happen on its own some day. Good advice, yet it doesn't sit very well with my proactive nature. I'm used to relationships fading if I do nothing, and I keep the successful rekindling of the friendship with Lance as the gold standard.

Another cousin's girlfriend seemed to relate a lot better to my point of view. First of all, she sympathized with my upset over the sudden break up. She said, "If your cousin broke up with me so suddenly I'd set his motorcycle on fire!" She was joking of course . . . I think. She also cringed about the whole "I feel it will stunt your healing process" email. She agreed with me . . . don't dictate to me how to conduct my healing process, that's my job. As for the friends thing, she had very good advice. She understands my desire to help Ben through his confusion (it's hard to turn off that impulse after all). However, she stressed that I can't be pushy about trying to help him (like I perhaps was when I sent him the link to the online LGBT forum). Instead I just need to demonstrate that I am there for him and let him come around in his own time. She felt the periodic check ins are a good way to show him that. I'm sure with time his suspicion of ulterior motives will also fade.

So on the Ben front I think I'll just put it out of my mind for now. Rather than "monthly" I think I'll just make it the more vague "periodic." Focus on other things. Dating, for one. With the goal for now still being more about making friends then trying to get another relationship. I also need to figure out what I'm doing with regard to school before the new application season starts. Ugh. Fricken' wheel never stops.

No new dates since last time. I've been messaging several people though. I'm trying to set up a meet up with one guy for later this week, though he seems to be a little tricky to pin down as far as a day. We'll see where that goes. I also want to hang out with Brody again sometime this week.

In other news, it was cool to see the flurry of red equal signs on Facebook last week in honor of the gay marriage issue being taken up by the Supreme Court. I jumped on the bandwagon myself. I counted at least 30 of my friends changing their profile picture to the symbol.

I had a bit of a sexuality confusion relapse over the weekend while on my trip. Luckily Brad was there to talk me through it. I started getting really down about the small dating pool for gay men. I started thinking, "Hey, if I'm not really all that sexually driven, would it really make that much difference if I tried dating girls?"

But that would make me like Ben. And who wants that? :-P

Being a fan of analogies and metaphors, I have come up with one to help me put the dating issue into perspective.

Let's say Ben is represented by a Kit Kat bar. One of my favorite candies. I stuck my hand into the Easter basket of dating and pulled out a Kit Kat on the second try. Unfortunately, it fell out of my grasp and landed in the mud. I've now pulled out 16 additional candies (yep, grand total of 18 guys I've dated so far), but no Kit Kats in sight. However, that doesn't mean there was only one Kit Kat in the bowl. Sure, by the luck of the draw I pulled one out almost right away. But the very fact that I did suggests that there MUST be more Kit Kats. I just need to be patient. Or maybe there will be a Crunch Bar or a Twix! Those are good too!

Busy weekend

It's late and I'm sleepy, but I want to quickly blog about the weekend.

Overall, it was a fun weekend. Friday night I hung out with my friend from elementary school. I forget if I have assigned him a name yet . . . lets call him Larry. Larry is the only close friend who is gay that I know from my normal, everyday life (i.e., not online via blogs, YouTube, dating sites, etc). He is quite a bit more feminine than I am. He is an actor, and also performs in drag on occasion. Lately he's been using a space he has access to in order to bring together other actor friends to practice scenes, monologues, etc. On Friday I tagged along to observe and give feedback. This time it was only Larry and one other guy. It was a lot of fun, and at the end we did a bit of improv so I introduced them to one of my favorite improv games, "Quick Change." Basically two people act out a scene while a third person acts as a "director" that forces them to change a line they just said on the fly by saying "change." For example, an exchange could go like this:

A: Hello Bill.

B: Hi Alvin. Would you happen to have change for a 20?

Director: Change!

B: Do you think you could scratch my back?

Diector: Change!

B: Shut up Alvin! I know you slept with my wife!

Okay, improv is harder when typed. LOL.

When I got home I gave a call to a guy that I've been corresponding to. Let's christen him now, shall we? He shall be Brody. Because he looks kinda like a surfer due to his long hair, and I just googled "stereotypical surfer names" and Brody is the first thing that came up. It's apparently an Australian nickname for a young surfer.

Anyways, I ended up talking on the phone with Brody for THREE HOURS. 10:30 PM to 1:30 AM.

The next day I met up with Brody in person. Unlike many (most) of the guys who I've corresponded with, Brody actually lives in the same city as me. We met up for lunch. And talked for another FOUR HOURS. He's pretty cute. Tall. Blond hair, blue eyes. Just two years older than me. From New England so he has a touch of an accent.

Now, before you all start jumping for joy, a caveat . . . I'm not quite sure of the "chemistry" with this one. He's a super nice guy, and we have similar personalities. But part of the reason our conversations last so long is . . . well, he's a talker. Which is great, no worries about awkward silences. And he is a great storyteller. It's just he really does dominate the conversation. And not because I'm not pulling my weight . . . I don't really have much chance to. He just gets going on a topic and rails off a story, which segues into another story. It's actually pretty captivating how he does it, he definitely is a natural. It's just hard to get a good gauge of our chemistry when he's doing most of the talking. I know he likes me, at least as a friend. He's a super cool guy, very laid back. During our first conversation I ended up pretty much spilling everything about how I just got out of a relationship two months ago, how I did almost all of my coming out over the past year, and how companionship is much more important to me than sex. The latter fact met with a great reception from him. He was actually excited to find someone else for whom sex is not top priority! Now, I didn't say anything about "low sex drive," just that it's not what primarily drives me. I think he got the picture though. He asked me whether I think it's naturally how I'm wired or whether it was growing up with a very conservative personality. I told him it's likely a combination.

After my lunch with Brody I went to LA for what I thought was a birthday party. Turns out the festivities were actually in honor of a friend's anniversary with her boyfriend (my bad . . . the invite came indirectly, haha). It was fun! We met up at a bar in Hollywood and saw a live spoof reenactment of Terminator 2: Judgment Day. It was quite entertaining. They picked the guy to play Arnold out from the audience (although who knows, that might have been staged). The guy had quite a buff physique and a killer impression, haha. He had one of the cast members showing him cue cards the whole way through. The plot was very faithful to the movie, except the man they were hunting down to prevent machines from taking over the world was Mark Zuckerberg. Ha ha. After the show we went to bars. Nina and her boyfriend were the ones that invited me. They have actually gone out and bought some new shirts and a pair of pants for me. Nina wants to dress me up like her own personal gay Ken doll to try to get me a man, lol. I told her I'm not into random hook ups, but that's not going to phase her! Whatever, I appreciate the sentiment :-) She repeatedly told me that I'm hot and that I just need to accentuate my features (she thinks the color shirt she got will bring out my eyes). We didn't have time to play dress up this time, but I'm sure it won't be long.

I spent the night at my cousin Roger's place, then went on Date # 2 of the weekend this morning up in the San Fernando Valley. This one was with a guy who works in the TV industry. Really good conversation. I loved hearing about his job and his experiences. Turns out he worked on the same reality TV show that a friend of mine worked on, although it sounds like they didn't overlap so they don't know each other. Still, small world. He definitely liked me, he's already offered to come down to my neck of the woods next time. I really enjoyed the conversation, but I'm not sure if the attraction is there. There's that, and the distance is a little large. The Valley is quite a bit farther than the part of LA where Ben lives. I think that distance would probably be my limit. Still, I'll keep an open mind.

Then I returned home for Date # 3 of the weekend (first time having two dates in one day I believe, who's a playa, lol) This one was with Nathan, the guy who has been texting me for weeks. We had surprisingly decent conversation, so I'm glad I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Still, he is a bit soft-spoken and sort of low-energy, which I wasn't much attracted to.

All three guys were super nice and I wouldn't mind hanging with them again. Brody wins so far, though. Yes, I kind of feel steamrolled in the conversation, but he's a super nice guy, we have a lot in common, he's interesting, and he lives really close. I will continue to hang out with him. He actually just texted me a little while ago and we talked (well, he talked) for the better part of an hour. I gotta be a little more forceful with this one, haha.

Good night!

Indecisive much?

I have a bit to report on the dating/making new friends front, but I'm about to head to LA for a birthday so I don't have much time. Just though I'd blog about a little tidbit and get to that later. I log onto OkCupid, minding my own business, when who's status update should appear near the top of my activity page? Ben of course. But how could that be? He's listed as straight, he shouldn't appear in my results! Well, I guess he's listed as gay now. Bi to straight to gay in two months time. I blocked him.

Love is like a drug. Or a boat.

Warning . . . I've got some Ben-related issues to burn off some steam about. If you're sick of me ranting about him you might want to sit this one out, haha.

Last weekend was fun. I went to a St. Patrick's Day event on the Queen Mary, an old ship in Long Beach that has been converted into a hotel. I went with my friend Nina, her boyfriend Jerry, and his cousin. Jerry's cousin was young (about 22 maybe?) but he was a major cutey. Straight though. Nina and Jerry are great company. I haven't mentioned Nina much in this blog before the last couple weeks because she was living out of state. She's back for now though. She's a friend from the dorms who is VERY open with sexuality. Like, uncomfortably so at times, haha. She's pretty frank about her experiences with both girls and guys. She's determined to hook me up.

As is always the case, I spent plenty of time seeing sights that reminded me of Ben. Tends to happen when you were in a very active relationship. The Queen Mary is right across from The Pike, the shopping center where we first met and where we had our six month anniversary dinner. On Sunday I went hiking with some friends on a great trail that I had last done . . . with Ben. Ugh. But, I have to have new experiences in these places. That way the freshest memories that I associate with them won't include him.

On Sunday night I had dinner with Jake the Australian. It was a lot of fun. He is a super nice guy. We had a lot of catching up to do, since it has been about 11 months since I last saw him. We swapped break up stories. Only for Jake, it was the reverse scenario. He was the initiator of his break-up, because he sensed that his boyfriend was really falling for him but he himself wasn't experiencing the emotions he associates with being in "love." We both knew that this was exactly what had happened with Ben and I. Only I like the sound of this explanation better. Much better than saying we didn't have chemistry. Sometimes its all about word choice. Anyways, hearing Jake's perspective made me feel better. It was almost like having a conversation with Ben by proxy. Jake's still not sure whether the "love" feeling is something elusive that he is chasing. He felt it with his first boyfriend, but he's not sure whether it being his "first" had anything to do with it.

Funny how in our last conversation Ben compared me to a drug addict going through withdrawal. He may have a point, but personally it sounds like he's addicted to this elusive feeling. Now that he's felt it he will settle for nothing less, even if a relationship is otherwise perfectly sound. He may be searching for a long, long time.

Early in the week, I learned via Facebook (damn Facebook . . . a blessing and a curse) that Ben's best friend and his husband finally made it over to visit California. There were pictures of them hiking in the Hollywood Hills. This made me suffer a sadness relapse. I've wanted to meet that couple for a year now, ever since Ben first told me about them. Over the past year I have spoken to them myself several times on Skype, and they even bought me a Christmas gift. Now they finally get over here, and I don't get to meet   them because I'm stuck in this stupid exile. Before all I was losing was time, which I was (getting to be) fine with. Give Ben the chance to heal, and myself as well. But now a great opportunity to meet a couple that has inspired me is wasted. I knew on an intellectual level that it wouldn't have made sense for Ben to let me know they were in town and arrange a meet up, since he was the source of the request for continued distance. But on an emotional level I couldn't help but feel a bit of resentment build up . . . a little feeling of betrayal.

I went to the psychologist, as I have been doing a bit more often lately for obvious reasons. I explained to her my goal: end this exile period, reestablish the friendship with Ben and move on. Just like the initial month of no contact, I feel like the exile does me little good since my personality seeks closure. I'm fine with gradual transitions, but sitting around twiddling my thumbs makes me anxious. It is in my nature to be proactive, especially when it comes to building and maintaining relationships that are important to me. Staying active works to distract me, but when I'm idle my mind always returns to the goal at hand.

Before I go on: YES I know I'm still fixating on being friends. I value relationships, that's what I do. The 3 year period where Lance dropped off the face of the Earth drove me crazy and I don't want to repeat it. Time dulled the pain, but did not eliminate it. I wasn't truly able to get over him until I reached out and we reconnected. A quote I found today speaks to this: "The wounds of love can only be healed by the one who made them." I know that this type of closure is not always achievable. But that doesn't mean I shouldn't seek it out when it is. If I'm being naive feel free to tell me . . . but do it nicely okay? :-)

Okay, end of tangent. Anyways, my psychologist recommended that the best way to achieve my goal (being friends with Ben and ending this awkward distance phase) is to be proactive, but not TOO proactive. Rather than waiting for him to make the first move (which may have taken a long time), she suggested I email him to keep the lines of communication open, but to keep it brief and superficial. No mentions of the previous argument, no apologies (she doesn't feel I have anything to apologize for). Just a "check in," which is what he said would be okay once a month or so. I want to make sure my contacts raise only positive emotions, not negative ones.

Another quote that I've had on my mind lately: "The one who loves the least controls the relationship." This is totally true. I may resent it, but the fact remains that between the two of us, Ben loves the least. Therefore, he holds the power. If I want to be friends, I have to play by his rules, even if I felt insulted by them. So if he says only checking in once a month is acceptable, than that's what I have to do.

So, I wrote him a brief email. Basically just summarizing my St. Patrick's Day weekend. He messaged back the next day, and I am happy to report that he didn't reject me, haha. Well, I didn't give him much to reject. I asked no questions, made no offers or suggestions. It was just a report. He's doing well. Enjoying his new job. Glad to hear from me and happy that I'm doing well. His friends' visit was great. He picked them up from the airport near me (10 min away!) because it was cheaper, and bought stuff from the bakery we'd gone to a couple times (5 min away!). Knowing he had been so close to me without calling struck another nerve, but I just need to tell myself that it's not personal. This whole exile thing (I call it that because that's what it feels like) is what he thinks is for the best. Maybe he's right. I just want to move on and get my friend back. Screw the rest of what we had. I'll find someone better for that. Someone who has his head in the right place.

In other news, thanks TwoLives for the suggestion of the story CrossCurrents. I looked it up and promptly got hooked. I read all the way up to the college part of the story. It seems the song you were referring to was "More Than Words" by Extreme. I do love that song and have played it before. Tricky song to sing though . . . hmm, I may have to give it a try :-) Other than that the story is good. Very well written. A lot of the characters and scenarios kind of strike me as unrealistic though. Then again, I wasn't a jock or a popular kid in high school so what do I know, haha.

One line in the story really popped out at me. Something about "a relationship cannot occur unless both people shed their armor" or something like that. It resonated because I think that might partially explain why Ben failed to experience lasting feelings of love for me. He definitely was the more guarded of the two of us. I became very comfortable sharing with him, but I'm not convinced he ever fully shed his emotional armor. I know he had some childhood issues that may have limited his ability to do that. Kind of ironic, he is more comfortable with physical nudity than any other person I've ever known. He'll shed his clothing at the drop of a hat, right in front of his friends. When it comes to emotional nudity however . . . he's a tougher nut to crack.

Which brings me back to the boat metaphor he used on me almost a year ago. He didn't think our boat had a rudder back then. I proved him wrong, but eventually the boat died anyway. He claimed it was due to lack of fuel (chemistry, love, what have you). I'm not so sure . . . it's my suspicion that the real problem was under the hood. The engine was malfunctioning. If he tries to take that engine and just put it in another boat (such as  by oh, say, dating women), he's likely to get the same result. It's only when he takes the time to look at himself and figure out what's standing in the way of him feeling love for another person that he'll be able to repair his engine and speed off into the sunset. Here's hoping he's able to do that before too long. I would have loved to help him, but that's no longer my place. He'll have to find a new mechanic. I'm done. NEXT!