So, I think I'm done with this blog. It's been forever since I've written in it. I know I've had a similar post before, but this one feels more final. I actually don't even feel the same as I did before about a lot of things. I guess you could say I'm no longer "All Mixed Up". I know that guys attract me in certain ways, but I also know that they fail to attract me in ways that I believe are crucial for a relationship. I think I got too hung up on the fact that I was finding certain guys aesthetically appealing. Now that my understanding of sexuality is removed from the one or the other, black or white way of thinking, I feel like I can actually pursue dating girls without feeling like a fraud. In the end I realize that, though there have been guys that I have developed "crushes" on, the majority of my crushes have been girls, and it is girls with whom I can visualize myself in an actual relationship. Right now I'm a little afraid about the prospect of telling any future partner about this period in my life. Honesty is one of my most highly valued traits, and I don't think I could have a serious relationship without having The Talk and explaining my somewhat confused past, and my somewhat mixed up attractions. Hopefully she'll understand and be okay with it.
Many thanks to those of you who have offered up your advice along the way. I wish you the best of luck, not just with your sexuality-related issues, but with careers, relationships, family, and everything. I'll probably hold onto the email address for a while (though it has already become a spam magnet) but I don't know how often I'll check it.
Bye,
B
Monday, February 9, 2009
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Bad faith
I've realized the major issue I'm dealing with has changed. Before I was struggling with the question of whether I'm attracted to guys. Now I've pretty much accepted that I am. So now the major issue is whether I can be attracted to girls enough to still pursue them. I do periodically meet girls that I like. There's just a lot less of the physical attraction that I feel toward certain guys.
I don't know whether to simply be a slave to physical attraction, though. I learned recently about Jean-Paul Satre's concept of "bad faith." Basically, one is guilty of bad faith if he believes that his path in life is predetermined by forces beyond his control. Of course, our choices are constricted by our circumstances, which existentialists refer to as our "facticity." But we are still free to choose between a number of options, and it is bad faith to claim that external forces make the choice for us. Thus, me claiming that I must live a gay lifestyle because I have an attraction towards men would be bad faith. In this way, one could argue that being gay is a choice, so to speak. The attractions are not chosen, but the behavior, the lifestyle, is. I think this is one of the major misunderstandings between the two sides of the gay rights issue. They have different interpretations of "choice." I think the sides arguing about whether or not homosexuality is a choice is pretty counter-productive.
Speaking of the two sides, I guess there were a number of Prop 8 protests yesterday. I have mixed feelings about them. For one thing, why couldn't all of those people mobilize like this before the election? I don't really understand what they hope to accomplish now, other than pissing off the religious right even more. On the other hand, it seems like a fair number of straight people are attending the protests too, which shows it's an issue that is important to more than just those that are directly affected by it.
It's been about a year since I started reading blogs. I feel like I've made progress, though not as much as I would like. Time is of the essence, and I'd really like to choose a side before my 20s are gone. Sigh.
I don't know whether to simply be a slave to physical attraction, though. I learned recently about Jean-Paul Satre's concept of "bad faith." Basically, one is guilty of bad faith if he believes that his path in life is predetermined by forces beyond his control. Of course, our choices are constricted by our circumstances, which existentialists refer to as our "facticity." But we are still free to choose between a number of options, and it is bad faith to claim that external forces make the choice for us. Thus, me claiming that I must live a gay lifestyle because I have an attraction towards men would be bad faith. In this way, one could argue that being gay is a choice, so to speak. The attractions are not chosen, but the behavior, the lifestyle, is. I think this is one of the major misunderstandings between the two sides of the gay rights issue. They have different interpretations of "choice." I think the sides arguing about whether or not homosexuality is a choice is pretty counter-productive.
Speaking of the two sides, I guess there were a number of Prop 8 protests yesterday. I have mixed feelings about them. For one thing, why couldn't all of those people mobilize like this before the election? I don't really understand what they hope to accomplish now, other than pissing off the religious right even more. On the other hand, it seems like a fair number of straight people are attending the protests too, which shows it's an issue that is important to more than just those that are directly affected by it.
It's been about a year since I started reading blogs. I feel like I've made progress, though not as much as I would like. Time is of the essence, and I'd really like to choose a side before my 20s are gone. Sigh.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Political and Philosophical Ramblings
Time to make up for the sparse postings with this massive post . . .
So, Barack Obama is going to be our 44th president. No big surprise there. I just really hope he is able to meet at least a fraction of the expectations that have been put on him. Sure, I voted for him. I'm just a little disturbed by the savior-status some people elevate him to. My dad, on the other hand, falls to the other extreme. I was shocked talking to him the other day. He seems to whole-heartedly believe that Obama was born in Kenya, and there is a massive cover-up to conceal that fact since it would make him ineligible for the presidency. Not to mention all of the anarchists and terrorists that he is buddy-buddy with. I really hope I never buy into wacky conspiracy theories like that. Such is the danger of constantly immersing yourself in only one side of a debate. I try to temper any Fox News I watch with MSNBC, or just stick to CNN, which at least seems somewhat balanced.
Prop 8 passed (just barely) here in California, as I'm sure everyone is aware. While I'm still working out my feelings about homosexuality, I was hoping it would fail. However, I'm not too pessimistic about the future. Looking at the demographics of the voters, young people tended to be against the proposition while older people were for it. Thus, as demographics change over the next couple of decades (or even the next decade) the scale will most likely tip in favor of allowing gay marriage.
One thing that bugs me is I find flaws in the arguments on BOTH sides of the debate. The gay rights side's argument is that this is an issue of equality of rights. One group is being deprived of fundamental rights by another group which enjoys them. My friend pointed out an interesting flaw to this argument: as it is now, everyone has the same marriage rights, the right to marry the opposite sex. No one group is being deprived of rights that another group has, despite the argument of gay rights activists. What they want is ADDITIONAL rights, the right to marry the same sex, that would apply to everyone (though gay people would obviously be the only ones who would want to use these rights). Now, supporters of gay marriage would argue that the right that gays are being deprived of is the right to marry the one they love. But is that a fundamental right? What if the one you love is married to someone else? Is that spouse depriving you of your fundamental rights? Just food for thought. I thought the argument was interesting, and couldn't really think of a good response.
My beef with the anti-gay marriage side is probably pretty familiar. The whole emphasis on "protecting the family" and especially the whole "the way it's been for centuries must be right." They had a good point on a local radio show one day: two slutty drunk idiots can get married one night in Vegas, as long as they are a guy and a girl. But a gay couple who have loved each other for 30 years? Nope. Nothing like the "sanctity" of that heterosexual marriage. And don't get me started on the "If Prop 8 fails, they'll teach gay marriage in schools!!!" Those scare tactics are probably what tipped the balance in favor of Prop 8, sadly.
So if I find flaws in both sides, why did I choose to oppose Prop 8? I had to do some serious thinking about my views on homosexuality, and I realized that one of my major hang-ups in figuring myself out is my lingering conflicts about the issue. The increasingly mainstream view is that it is a natural variation of normal sexuality. The American Psychological Association removed it from the list of mental disorders back in the 1970s. Yet it's hard to shake the doubts from my mind. This next part is going to sound extremely controversial, I apologize in advance, the following doesn't represent my opinion, just some of the thoughts I've had lately while trying to figure the whole thing out . . .
If everyone in the world were homosexual, humanity would obviously be in big trouble since procreation would grind to a halt. So homosexuality is okay for our species as long as not too many people practice it. Now of course, in this overpopulated world, you could argue that a little less procreation might be a good thing. But should there be so many preconditions for something to be considered moral? Saying homosexuality is okay, as long as it is limited in scope and the human population is large enough to withstand any decline in procreation?
Then a weakness to this argument occurred to me. Being celibate is not considered immoral. Heck, some religious leaders are required to be. But if everyone on Earth were celibate, humanity would suffer just as much as if everyone were gay. The same number of babies would be born: zero.
So where I stand now is that homosexuality is certainly not optimal in a Darwinian sense, but I think in this day and age consenting adults who love each other should be able to marry. The alternative is way too many loveless marriages. In fact, allowing gay marriage might actually improve the overall sanctity of marriage, since marriage is supposed to be about love.
Sorry if I offended anyone with my ramblings, I just wanted to be honest with some of the arguments that have been going through my mind. Please, anyone who makes it this far, share your thoughts, I'd love to see what you think.
B
So, Barack Obama is going to be our 44th president. No big surprise there. I just really hope he is able to meet at least a fraction of the expectations that have been put on him. Sure, I voted for him. I'm just a little disturbed by the savior-status some people elevate him to. My dad, on the other hand, falls to the other extreme. I was shocked talking to him the other day. He seems to whole-heartedly believe that Obama was born in Kenya, and there is a massive cover-up to conceal that fact since it would make him ineligible for the presidency. Not to mention all of the anarchists and terrorists that he is buddy-buddy with. I really hope I never buy into wacky conspiracy theories like that. Such is the danger of constantly immersing yourself in only one side of a debate. I try to temper any Fox News I watch with MSNBC, or just stick to CNN, which at least seems somewhat balanced.
Prop 8 passed (just barely) here in California, as I'm sure everyone is aware. While I'm still working out my feelings about homosexuality, I was hoping it would fail. However, I'm not too pessimistic about the future. Looking at the demographics of the voters, young people tended to be against the proposition while older people were for it. Thus, as demographics change over the next couple of decades (or even the next decade) the scale will most likely tip in favor of allowing gay marriage.
One thing that bugs me is I find flaws in the arguments on BOTH sides of the debate. The gay rights side's argument is that this is an issue of equality of rights. One group is being deprived of fundamental rights by another group which enjoys them. My friend pointed out an interesting flaw to this argument: as it is now, everyone has the same marriage rights, the right to marry the opposite sex. No one group is being deprived of rights that another group has, despite the argument of gay rights activists. What they want is ADDITIONAL rights, the right to marry the same sex, that would apply to everyone (though gay people would obviously be the only ones who would want to use these rights). Now, supporters of gay marriage would argue that the right that gays are being deprived of is the right to marry the one they love. But is that a fundamental right? What if the one you love is married to someone else? Is that spouse depriving you of your fundamental rights? Just food for thought. I thought the argument was interesting, and couldn't really think of a good response.
My beef with the anti-gay marriage side is probably pretty familiar. The whole emphasis on "protecting the family" and especially the whole "the way it's been for centuries must be right." They had a good point on a local radio show one day: two slutty drunk idiots can get married one night in Vegas, as long as they are a guy and a girl. But a gay couple who have loved each other for 30 years? Nope. Nothing like the "sanctity" of that heterosexual marriage. And don't get me started on the "If Prop 8 fails, they'll teach gay marriage in schools!!!" Those scare tactics are probably what tipped the balance in favor of Prop 8, sadly.
So if I find flaws in both sides, why did I choose to oppose Prop 8? I had to do some serious thinking about my views on homosexuality, and I realized that one of my major hang-ups in figuring myself out is my lingering conflicts about the issue. The increasingly mainstream view is that it is a natural variation of normal sexuality. The American Psychological Association removed it from the list of mental disorders back in the 1970s. Yet it's hard to shake the doubts from my mind. This next part is going to sound extremely controversial, I apologize in advance, the following doesn't represent my opinion, just some of the thoughts I've had lately while trying to figure the whole thing out . . .
If everyone in the world were homosexual, humanity would obviously be in big trouble since procreation would grind to a halt. So homosexuality is okay for our species as long as not too many people practice it. Now of course, in this overpopulated world, you could argue that a little less procreation might be a good thing. But should there be so many preconditions for something to be considered moral? Saying homosexuality is okay, as long as it is limited in scope and the human population is large enough to withstand any decline in procreation?
Then a weakness to this argument occurred to me. Being celibate is not considered immoral. Heck, some religious leaders are required to be. But if everyone on Earth were celibate, humanity would suffer just as much as if everyone were gay. The same number of babies would be born: zero.
So where I stand now is that homosexuality is certainly not optimal in a Darwinian sense, but I think in this day and age consenting adults who love each other should be able to marry. The alternative is way too many loveless marriages. In fact, allowing gay marriage might actually improve the overall sanctity of marriage, since marriage is supposed to be about love.
Sorry if I offended anyone with my ramblings, I just wanted to be honest with some of the arguments that have been going through my mind. Please, anyone who makes it this far, share your thoughts, I'd love to see what you think.
B
Monday, October 20, 2008
Shhh
I have a secret. I'm pretty sure my mom knows what it is. And my dad suspects it, but he wouldn't want to hear it from me. My conservative uncle and aunt would probably throw a fit if they knew. Yeah, my whole conservative Republican family would probably disown me if word got out.
Any guesses?
Yep, I voted for Obama.
I tend to think of myself as a moderate. I like to try to see things from both sides, to try to figure out who would be the best choice, and not because I'm blindly following one ideology or another. After much deliberation, I settled on Obama. Plus, being a moderate, my ideal situation is to have the power switch between the parties. Too long with one party being in power tips the scale too far, at least that's the way I see it currently. The Republicans have had their time. Now I want to see what a Democrat president will do with the country. And if the result is disappointing . . . well, then there's always 2012.
Election time has crept up on me. I wanted to go into this feeling super-informed. I wanted to have read both Obama and McCain's books and researched all the propositions. What can I say, I feel guilty when I vote uninformed. Well, I didn't have time to read the books, but I did read up quite a bit on the propositions thanks to a nifty site I found called ballotpedia.org. Basically like wikipedia, except for ballot initiatives. Not just California, either. It has summaries of the propositions, arguments for and against, lists of supporters and opponents, and links to info sites. If only all propositions were one sentence long. That's the good thing about 8, I guess. Short and to the point.
Kind of scary how topics that absolutely bored me before are now fascinating me. Like politics. And history. I feel like a lot of subjects are forced on us at an age where a lot of us are too young and/or immature to appreciate them. I seem to have a thirst for knowledge, I think I've been out of school too long. And yet look what I've done, prolonged the gap before grad school. At least this will give me time to try to learn about a broad range of subjects before my life becomes consumed by one specific one.
And now the ramble ends. Good night.
Any guesses?
Yep, I voted for Obama.
I tend to think of myself as a moderate. I like to try to see things from both sides, to try to figure out who would be the best choice, and not because I'm blindly following one ideology or another. After much deliberation, I settled on Obama. Plus, being a moderate, my ideal situation is to have the power switch between the parties. Too long with one party being in power tips the scale too far, at least that's the way I see it currently. The Republicans have had their time. Now I want to see what a Democrat president will do with the country. And if the result is disappointing . . . well, then there's always 2012.
Election time has crept up on me. I wanted to go into this feeling super-informed. I wanted to have read both Obama and McCain's books and researched all the propositions. What can I say, I feel guilty when I vote uninformed. Well, I didn't have time to read the books, but I did read up quite a bit on the propositions thanks to a nifty site I found called ballotpedia.org. Basically like wikipedia, except for ballot initiatives. Not just California, either. It has summaries of the propositions, arguments for and against, lists of supporters and opponents, and links to info sites. If only all propositions were one sentence long. That's the good thing about 8, I guess. Short and to the point.
Kind of scary how topics that absolutely bored me before are now fascinating me. Like politics. And history. I feel like a lot of subjects are forced on us at an age where a lot of us are too young and/or immature to appreciate them. I seem to have a thirst for knowledge, I think I've been out of school too long. And yet look what I've done, prolonged the gap before grad school. At least this will give me time to try to learn about a broad range of subjects before my life becomes consumed by one specific one.
And now the ramble ends. Good night.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Hanging in there
The impulses to blog are few and far between these days. So much easier to just try to ignore things. Thanks for the comments, good to know I can disappear off the face of the earth and come back and people are still around :-)
So, I talked to my mom about it again. Way more awkward this time. To the point where I even regretted bringing it up. Now, I'm still not comfortable AT ALL with talking about sexuality issues with people I know. The therapist was one thing, and that was hard enough. So, when I brought it up again with my mom I was talking about it in very vague terms (eg, "So, about the issues I'm going through, that I talked to you about before . . .). So it was a bit unpleasant when she asked me straight up, "Have there been guys that you've been physically attracted to?" I know that's an easy enough question, but it was just so forward and unexpected. I turned into a stuttering fool, muttering something about how my attractions to guys and girls are different. Which is true. She also made it clear that she herself is uncomfortable talking about these things, and she encouraged me to see another counselor, perhaps one that specializes in these things. Maybe that's a possibility, but I just don't know. I don't really feel like throwing money at something that may or may not be all that helpful.
This weekend I went down to San Diego to chill with some friends I hadn't seen in a while. I love feeling like I'm part of a group. Don't really get that too much anymore. Too many of my friends are not friends with each other, either because they don't know each other, or sometimes because they don't like each other. I've always been the kind of person who is able to hang out and get along with different groups of friends, but have never really been a central member of any one group. I should pursue new avenues of meeting people.
While I was down there I also entertained my friends with my guitar playing, and got some compliments, including of the "I had no idea you were that good!" variety. Felt nice. I certainly love to play. One of the greatest forms of stress relief. Any music fans out there who have thought about picking up an instrument, I cannot encourage it enough. You don't have to have rock star intentions. It's great just to be able to play casually. Anyone play anything?
Till next time.
So, I talked to my mom about it again. Way more awkward this time. To the point where I even regretted bringing it up. Now, I'm still not comfortable AT ALL with talking about sexuality issues with people I know. The therapist was one thing, and that was hard enough. So, when I brought it up again with my mom I was talking about it in very vague terms (eg, "So, about the issues I'm going through, that I talked to you about before . . .). So it was a bit unpleasant when she asked me straight up, "Have there been guys that you've been physically attracted to?" I know that's an easy enough question, but it was just so forward and unexpected. I turned into a stuttering fool, muttering something about how my attractions to guys and girls are different. Which is true. She also made it clear that she herself is uncomfortable talking about these things, and she encouraged me to see another counselor, perhaps one that specializes in these things. Maybe that's a possibility, but I just don't know. I don't really feel like throwing money at something that may or may not be all that helpful.
This weekend I went down to San Diego to chill with some friends I hadn't seen in a while. I love feeling like I'm part of a group. Don't really get that too much anymore. Too many of my friends are not friends with each other, either because they don't know each other, or sometimes because they don't like each other. I've always been the kind of person who is able to hang out and get along with different groups of friends, but have never really been a central member of any one group. I should pursue new avenues of meeting people.
While I was down there I also entertained my friends with my guitar playing, and got some compliments, including of the "I had no idea you were that good!" variety. Felt nice. I certainly love to play. One of the greatest forms of stress relief. Any music fans out there who have thought about picking up an instrument, I cannot encourage it enough. You don't have to have rock star intentions. It's great just to be able to play casually. Anyone play anything?
Till next time.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Back so soon?
Hello blog, it's been a while. I bet you thought I had abandoned you, huh? Not quite yet. The issues that were preventing me from having the time/mental resources to deal with this sexuality thing have been resolved, at least for now. I found a new job, which I've been at for a few weeks. Not going super smoothly so far but I'm settling in. I miss my old job, especially the people since I got along so well with them, but I'm sure this one will grow on me. And the pay is better, which is always good. Grad school is now at least two years away (a requirement of the job). Which is probably for the best, since I still wasn't feeling super confident about what program I wanted to apply to.
So now that those pressing issues are off the table, my mind wanders back to what I tend to refer to as "Issue X". The X representing the fact that it's something I'm so uncomfortable with I can barely admit it to myself.
Today I reached a point where I felt pretty confident in saying "Yes, I am bisexual", instead of "I think I may be bisexual." Hard to write off the evidence. I hesitate to go farther and say I'm gay, since I still feel that the potential is there to have feelings for a girl, since it has happened in the past. So now I'll have to consider what my next step should be. I think I need to have another talk with my mom. We still haven't talked about it since the first and only time. I might consider talking to some of my more socially liberal friends at some point. Of course, that's how I feel today, and just like I sometimes waver on the type of grad program I'm gravitating to on any given day, this might just be subject to change. We'll see.
The other day I was home and was discussing the propositions that will be voted on in November, including Prop 8. Yes on 8 will define marriage as being between a man and a woman in the state of California. I went through all the Props to get my mom and dad's opinions on them, to help me decide how I might vote. When we got to that one my dad voted Yes (expected) but my mom said No. Now, I'm not sure whether that had anything to do with our talk earlier in the year opening the possibility of me being gay or bi, but it was nice to hear nonetheless. Means she is a lot more accepting of homosexuality than my dad. He'll be a challenge, should it come to that.
I watched the debate between McCain and Obama earlier (most of it, anyway). Pretty entertaining. Apparently the consensus is that it was a tie, but overall was better for Obama since foreign policy is supposed to be McCain's strong suit. It will be interested to watch Palin vs. Biden next week (assuming I can stand to tape "Supernatural" that is, haha).
Wow, it's late. So much for going to bed early tonight, that never seems to work out. Later.
So now that those pressing issues are off the table, my mind wanders back to what I tend to refer to as "Issue X". The X representing the fact that it's something I'm so uncomfortable with I can barely admit it to myself.
Today I reached a point where I felt pretty confident in saying "Yes, I am bisexual", instead of "I think I may be bisexual." Hard to write off the evidence. I hesitate to go farther and say I'm gay, since I still feel that the potential is there to have feelings for a girl, since it has happened in the past. So now I'll have to consider what my next step should be. I think I need to have another talk with my mom. We still haven't talked about it since the first and only time. I might consider talking to some of my more socially liberal friends at some point. Of course, that's how I feel today, and just like I sometimes waver on the type of grad program I'm gravitating to on any given day, this might just be subject to change. We'll see.
The other day I was home and was discussing the propositions that will be voted on in November, including Prop 8. Yes on 8 will define marriage as being between a man and a woman in the state of California. I went through all the Props to get my mom and dad's opinions on them, to help me decide how I might vote. When we got to that one my dad voted Yes (expected) but my mom said No. Now, I'm not sure whether that had anything to do with our talk earlier in the year opening the possibility of me being gay or bi, but it was nice to hear nonetheless. Means she is a lot more accepting of homosexuality than my dad. He'll be a challenge, should it come to that.
I watched the debate between McCain and Obama earlier (most of it, anyway). Pretty entertaining. Apparently the consensus is that it was a tie, but overall was better for Obama since foreign policy is supposed to be McCain's strong suit. It will be interested to watch Palin vs. Biden next week (assuming I can stand to tape "Supernatural" that is, haha).
Wow, it's late. So much for going to bed early tonight, that never seems to work out. Later.
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Been a while, and might be another while
Two and a half months later . . .
Pretty much just two relevant events have happened since I returned from my trip.
1) I almost went on a date with a girl who messaged me online but turned out to be a little crazy and cancelled on me.
2) I kissed a girl (while drunk).
The former made me feel like I dodged a bullet. I was so desperate to continue getting dating experience that I ignored all the warning signs. Luckily she saved me the trouble. The latter event is fuzzy (for obvious reasons). I was reluctant at first, since I always wanted my first kiss to be meaningful. Unfortunately, alcohol seems to have the ability to make the mind go "Screw it." I remember doing it more because she wanted to and not because there was any real chemistry. I kind of got the impression that making out is something this girl does for fun. I wouldn't be averse to trying it again with a different girl in more sober circumstances, perhaps with real feelings involved.
Anyways, I'm obviously not feeling as gung-ho about this blog as I did at first, since it's been so long since I updated. I'm realizing more and more that my issues are something that will be hard to resolve without more life experience. I've still been seeing the counselor, but less and less and I think I might be done for now. It's been helpful to talk to someone about these and other issues, but I think the value has dwindled. If there's one thing that the counselor has tried to drive into my skull it is that I get way ahead of myself when I think about relationships. I've been afraid to even pursue a relationship with a girl because of the chance that I might someday decide that I'd rather have a relationship with a guy, even though dating someone is a far cry from getting married to them. So hopefully sometime in the next year, or after I start grad school, I'll be able to get more experience dating. Then I'll be in a better position to analyze my feelings. And if at some point I decide that girls just aren't doing it for me, perhaps I'll change course.
One thing I need to stop doing is comparing myself to other people. That's what first set off this crisis in my mind. I didn't feel too sexually abnormal until I began living with guys who talk about girls and sex all the time. I read something interesting earlier, someone suggesting that there are as many sexual orientations as there are people, because everyone is unique. I like that idea.
As for my mom, we've barely discussed the issue since I first talked to her about it, which I find a bit disconcerting. She asks me occasionally whether I'm still seeing the counselor, but that's it. I'll have to address it again at some point, give her an update or something.
I've got mixed feelings about continuing this blog. I really don't want this issue to continue to dominate my thoughts at this time (though I'm sure it probably will). I've got loads of other things to think about, such as changing jobs, thinking about career paths, and applying to grad school. I'm not sure whether I'll continue to post very much, but maybe I will if something happens that is relevant and post-worthy. I'll continue to check this email address (socalrockfan "at" gmail.com) every once and a while so feel free to either comment here or email me there if you have any questions or pearls of wisdom.
Until a later date, thanks everyone for reading and your advice, and good luck on your journeys!
B
Pretty much just two relevant events have happened since I returned from my trip.
1) I almost went on a date with a girl who messaged me online but turned out to be a little crazy and cancelled on me.
2) I kissed a girl (while drunk).
The former made me feel like I dodged a bullet. I was so desperate to continue getting dating experience that I ignored all the warning signs. Luckily she saved me the trouble. The latter event is fuzzy (for obvious reasons). I was reluctant at first, since I always wanted my first kiss to be meaningful. Unfortunately, alcohol seems to have the ability to make the mind go "Screw it." I remember doing it more because she wanted to and not because there was any real chemistry. I kind of got the impression that making out is something this girl does for fun. I wouldn't be averse to trying it again with a different girl in more sober circumstances, perhaps with real feelings involved.
Anyways, I'm obviously not feeling as gung-ho about this blog as I did at first, since it's been so long since I updated. I'm realizing more and more that my issues are something that will be hard to resolve without more life experience. I've still been seeing the counselor, but less and less and I think I might be done for now. It's been helpful to talk to someone about these and other issues, but I think the value has dwindled. If there's one thing that the counselor has tried to drive into my skull it is that I get way ahead of myself when I think about relationships. I've been afraid to even pursue a relationship with a girl because of the chance that I might someday decide that I'd rather have a relationship with a guy, even though dating someone is a far cry from getting married to them. So hopefully sometime in the next year, or after I start grad school, I'll be able to get more experience dating. Then I'll be in a better position to analyze my feelings. And if at some point I decide that girls just aren't doing it for me, perhaps I'll change course.
One thing I need to stop doing is comparing myself to other people. That's what first set off this crisis in my mind. I didn't feel too sexually abnormal until I began living with guys who talk about girls and sex all the time. I read something interesting earlier, someone suggesting that there are as many sexual orientations as there are people, because everyone is unique. I like that idea.
As for my mom, we've barely discussed the issue since I first talked to her about it, which I find a bit disconcerting. She asks me occasionally whether I'm still seeing the counselor, but that's it. I'll have to address it again at some point, give her an update or something.
I've got mixed feelings about continuing this blog. I really don't want this issue to continue to dominate my thoughts at this time (though I'm sure it probably will). I've got loads of other things to think about, such as changing jobs, thinking about career paths, and applying to grad school. I'm not sure whether I'll continue to post very much, but maybe I will if something happens that is relevant and post-worthy. I'll continue to check this email address (socalrockfan "at" gmail.com) every once and a while so feel free to either comment here or email me there if you have any questions or pearls of wisdom.
Until a later date, thanks everyone for reading and your advice, and good luck on your journeys!
B
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