Just spent the evening packing for my big trip tomorrow. I'm going to New York for a little more than a week (including two nights in Toronto), and I'm excited. Hopefully it doesn't rain while I'm there, the 10 day forecast indicated it might.
Sometimes I think about how if someone I knew just randomly happened to find this blog, they wouldn't have to be a rocket scientist to figure out who I am (hmm, so-and-so went to New York about that same time!). I know the chances of that happening are slim to none, but it still makes me think twice about some of the things I choose to write. Oh well, the safe and easy road hasn't gotten me too far in the past, one has got to take some risks, even minor ones.
After this nice little vacation from work (and worrisome life issues) I will have to try to get back on track as far as figuring myself out. My efforts have definitely stalled since my date with Jenny. Until I return, take care everyone!
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Friday, April 11, 2008
Tired
Things are pretty hectic right now. Work is busy, I'm taking a test on Saturday, I'm planning a big trip next week, and the date last Saturday is still on my mind. I have kind of decided not to pursue that girl, at least not right now. Something didn't feel right, I didn't really get the impression that she was interested in me in that way. Of course for all I know I'm way off, it's not like I have experience with this kind of thing. Anyways, maybe I'll drop her an email or something just to check in, but I think things need to relax a bit before I add one more thing to stress out about. I'm sure there will be other opportunities, I just have to be patient.
In other news, Stone Temple Pilots are getting back together!!!!! This makes me extremely happy, I never got the chance to see them before they broke up. They're playing at the Hollywood Bowl in June (not my favorite venue, but what the heck, you do what you gotta do). Good thing I just saw Velvet Revolver in December, because now they are no more and it sounds like Scott Weiland did not leave the band on the best of terms. So yay!
In other news, Stone Temple Pilots are getting back together!!!!! This makes me extremely happy, I never got the chance to see them before they broke up. They're playing at the Hollywood Bowl in June (not my favorite venue, but what the heck, you do what you gotta do). Good thing I just saw Velvet Revolver in December, because now they are no more and it sounds like Scott Weiland did not leave the band on the best of terms. So yay!
Monday, April 7, 2008
Better now
Ok, can't let that last entry be the most recent one for very long. Today was much better. Granted, it was super hectic at work but that's okay, at least it made me feel productive, and the busier I am the less time I have to ruminate. And I actually heard back from my friend whom I've not talked to for years, so I had the right address after all. Very cool. Now I just gotta study for that test. And damn, the arm where I got the tetanus shot is sooo sore. Serves me right I guess, haha. Thankfully it's my left.
Mountains out of molehills
Well, today was a complete waste. I spent most of the day agonizing over various things, such as whether or not there was any potential for Jenny, and of course my sexuality. Did not get much studying done for my upcoming GRE subject test (which I'm not sure I'll even need to take since I don't know what I'm going to apply for yet). Burned myself on the damn George Foreman Grill which I barely ever use. Over-reacted to said burn by getting all worried about what it said on the internet, that any second degree burn on the hands no matter how small should be checked out by a doctor. Ended up paying a ridiculous copayment for the doctor basically putting a bandage on it (oh, and I got a tetanus shot too since I hadn't had one for a long time). I felt like such a hypochondriac (thanks a lot, internet!). Better safe than sorry I guess, since I'd never experienced a burn like that before. Weird how I can have such a laid back personality and yet be such a worry-wort at the same time. Of course I noticed that I paid more attention to a couple of the male nurses than I did the good-looking female one. It's like the different parts of my brain are fighting each other.
On the bright side, I chatted with a bunch of friends today, both on AIM and on the phone. I even tried emailing my former good buddy from freshman year, the one that kind of disappeared of the face of the earth. Not sure I had the right address, but the message wasn't returned so I figure somebody must have gotten it. Whether I ever hear back is, well, doubtful, but at least I tried.
Yeah, I know I sound like Debbie Downer (cue the wah, wah sound). It's just been one of those days, haha. I always try to see the glass half full though. And on that note, bed time.
On the bright side, I chatted with a bunch of friends today, both on AIM and on the phone. I even tried emailing my former good buddy from freshman year, the one that kind of disappeared of the face of the earth. Not sure I had the right address, but the message wasn't returned so I figure somebody must have gotten it. Whether I ever hear back is, well, doubtful, but at least I tried.
Yeah, I know I sound like Debbie Downer (cue the wah, wah sound). It's just been one of those days, haha. I always try to see the glass half full though. And on that note, bed time.
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Deer in the headlights
That's what I felt like at the end of my first date ever. Yes, my first date ever. Let me back track.
So, I got Jenny's number, and I gave her a call last week. Asked her if she wanted to go out, and she said ok. So we did, dinner and a movie, the old classic combo. Went pretty well. She's really nice, and has a good sense of humor. One thing I was nervous about was running out of things to talk about and having to sit in awkward silence. That didn't happen luckily. Dinner was good, the movie was good.
After the movie I had been planning to see if she wanted to hang around the area for a while, maybe get some dessert. She declined, though I wasn't sure whether that was because she was full or because she just wanted to go home. Anyways, I realized at that point I had no idea how to end a date. Probably should have asked if she wanted to go out again sometime, but instead what came out of my mouth was more along the lines of "see you next time" (yes, I know) which obviously makes it sound like I'm not interested. The truth is, I'm not sure whether I should continue to pursue her. We didn't seem to have too many common interests as far as movies, music, etc. I couldn't tell whether she felt a connection with me. I'm not even sure whether to expect such a connection on a first date. Should we have hit it off and been fast friends? It could just be that she's shy like me. I figure I might follow the advice of my friend's girlfriend, who suggested I wait a few days and then call Jenny and ask her if she wants to go out again. The way I see it, if someone says yes to a first date, that just means that the person is interested in you based on a first impression, or is just being nice. But if they say yes to a second date, that seems like it would mean a lot more, and probably shows they have real interest in you. So, we'll see. It's experience, if nothing else.
Of course I was hoping going on an actual date would clear up the confusion. Probably a little much to hope for. At this point I'm not so sure whether I might be gay. I definitely have some kind of interest in looking at some guys but I'm not sure if that could translate into any kind of a relationship. Imagining myself dating a guy just doesn't seem quite right. Whether that's just mainstream society talking, I don't know. At least I have some degree of forward momentum along the road of figuring it out. I just need to make sure I keep moving and don't stall.
So, I got Jenny's number, and I gave her a call last week. Asked her if she wanted to go out, and she said ok. So we did, dinner and a movie, the old classic combo. Went pretty well. She's really nice, and has a good sense of humor. One thing I was nervous about was running out of things to talk about and having to sit in awkward silence. That didn't happen luckily. Dinner was good, the movie was good.
After the movie I had been planning to see if she wanted to hang around the area for a while, maybe get some dessert. She declined, though I wasn't sure whether that was because she was full or because she just wanted to go home. Anyways, I realized at that point I had no idea how to end a date. Probably should have asked if she wanted to go out again sometime, but instead what came out of my mouth was more along the lines of "see you next time" (yes, I know) which obviously makes it sound like I'm not interested. The truth is, I'm not sure whether I should continue to pursue her. We didn't seem to have too many common interests as far as movies, music, etc. I couldn't tell whether she felt a connection with me. I'm not even sure whether to expect such a connection on a first date. Should we have hit it off and been fast friends? It could just be that she's shy like me. I figure I might follow the advice of my friend's girlfriend, who suggested I wait a few days and then call Jenny and ask her if she wants to go out again. The way I see it, if someone says yes to a first date, that just means that the person is interested in you based on a first impression, or is just being nice. But if they say yes to a second date, that seems like it would mean a lot more, and probably shows they have real interest in you. So, we'll see. It's experience, if nothing else.
Of course I was hoping going on an actual date would clear up the confusion. Probably a little much to hope for. At this point I'm not so sure whether I might be gay. I definitely have some kind of interest in looking at some guys but I'm not sure if that could translate into any kind of a relationship. Imagining myself dating a guy just doesn't seem quite right. Whether that's just mainstream society talking, I don't know. At least I have some degree of forward momentum along the road of figuring it out. I just need to make sure I keep moving and don't stall.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Jenny I've got your number
First of all, I wanted to thank those who have commented on my entries thus far, including Mike, Aek, K, and W. I really appreciate your feedback.
Well, I called my friend to see if he had talked to the girl. Let's call her Jenny, just because I have "867-5309" stuck in my head right now. Turns out he is on a trip out of state but he did talk to her before he left. And she said it would be ok for him to give me her number. So he did. And now the ball's in my court. One thing I am trying to teach myself is to take things a step at a time. It's okay that I haven't nailed my sexuality down 100% yet, I can still just call a girl up and see if she wants to hang out. That is a far cry from a relationship. So hopefully I'll work up the nerve to give her a call within the next couple days. No . . . definitely, not hopefully!
I just wish these things came more naturally to me. I feel like if my sexuality wasn't so jumbled, suppressed, naturally weak, or whatever it is, that the added motivation would have helped me ask a girl out a long time ago. Oh well, mas vale tarde que nunca.
Well, I called my friend to see if he had talked to the girl. Let's call her Jenny, just because I have "867-5309" stuck in my head right now. Turns out he is on a trip out of state but he did talk to her before he left. And she said it would be ok for him to give me her number. So he did. And now the ball's in my court. One thing I am trying to teach myself is to take things a step at a time. It's okay that I haven't nailed my sexuality down 100% yet, I can still just call a girl up and see if she wants to hang out. That is a far cry from a relationship. So hopefully I'll work up the nerve to give her a call within the next couple days. No . . . definitely, not hopefully!
I just wish these things came more naturally to me. I feel like if my sexuality wasn't so jumbled, suppressed, naturally weak, or whatever it is, that the added motivation would have helped me ask a girl out a long time ago. Oh well, mas vale tarde que nunca.
Monday, March 24, 2008
Inching slowly forward
Well, Saturday morning after the party I asked my friend to ask the girl for permission for him to give me her number (if that sentence made any sense at all). We'll see how that plays out. According to my roommate she was into me (going by her body language) and since he has had numerous girlfriends I figured he might know what he is talking about. I did not want to wait until the next party (especially since I would probably just wuss out again). Anyways, I anxiously await the next time I see my friend so I can find out what she said, and then I'll go from there. Hopefully this time it will work out better than it did the last time I tried this.
For a while I've been debating about whether I should talk to my mom about my current issues. She has always been the one that I have taken my problems to. I never really had many close friends that I could talk about serious things with growing up, so my mom has always been my number one confidante. Of course, with this particular issue I felt extremely uncomfortable going to her with it. She thinks of me as this perfect son and the last thing I wanted to do is shatter that image by admitting that I am questioning my sexuality. Plus sex is one topic we have never talked about. Well, after the experience at the party I decided this might be a good time to finally talk about it, since the scale had tipped to the straight side. My mom already knew I was going to counseling, and I'm sure she suspected that I had not disclosed the full reason for it yet. I told her Saturday that I was ready to talk with her about it sometime. First I told her about the party, and the girl, and then I talked to her about my low sex drive suspicions. I figured this might be good groundwork for the discussion to come.
She came into my room the next morning after I had woken up, while I was still lying in bed. She asked if I wanted to talk about it. I was not expecting her to be the one to pick the time and place, and I almost said no. Then I decided it was as good a time as any. So, I used the compass metaphor, about how sex drive is like the needle, blah blah blah, and it's hard to tell which way it points when it's not very strong to begin with. I told her I had experienced attractions to both guys and girls in the past, but in different ways.
Long story short, she took it very well as I had hoped she would. I was rather surprised at how supportive she was (and I really shouldn't have been). She agrees with me that I probably won't be able to figure it all out until I get some experience dating. And she said the magic words: "All I want is for you to be happy." She also agreed that it was probably not the time to talk to my dad about it. I've never been as close to my dad as I am to my mom. In addition he seems to see the world more in black and white than my mom does.
In any case, I guess my next step is to see what happens with this girl, if anything.
For a while I've been debating about whether I should talk to my mom about my current issues. She has always been the one that I have taken my problems to. I never really had many close friends that I could talk about serious things with growing up, so my mom has always been my number one confidante. Of course, with this particular issue I felt extremely uncomfortable going to her with it. She thinks of me as this perfect son and the last thing I wanted to do is shatter that image by admitting that I am questioning my sexuality. Plus sex is one topic we have never talked about. Well, after the experience at the party I decided this might be a good time to finally talk about it, since the scale had tipped to the straight side. My mom already knew I was going to counseling, and I'm sure she suspected that I had not disclosed the full reason for it yet. I told her Saturday that I was ready to talk with her about it sometime. First I told her about the party, and the girl, and then I talked to her about my low sex drive suspicions. I figured this might be good groundwork for the discussion to come.
She came into my room the next morning after I had woken up, while I was still lying in bed. She asked if I wanted to talk about it. I was not expecting her to be the one to pick the time and place, and I almost said no. Then I decided it was as good a time as any. So, I used the compass metaphor, about how sex drive is like the needle, blah blah blah, and it's hard to tell which way it points when it's not very strong to begin with. I told her I had experienced attractions to both guys and girls in the past, but in different ways.
Long story short, she took it very well as I had hoped she would. I was rather surprised at how supportive she was (and I really shouldn't have been). She agrees with me that I probably won't be able to figure it all out until I get some experience dating. And she said the magic words: "All I want is for you to be happy." She also agreed that it was probably not the time to talk to my dad about it. I've never been as close to my dad as I am to my mom. In addition he seems to see the world more in black and white than my mom does.
In any case, I guess my next step is to see what happens with this girl, if anything.
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