The chemicals between us

Dating's going alright. I've been talking a lot with Kenny over the last couple days. We Google chatted a lot, and since Kenny wanted to do a webcam chat before meeting in person, we did that the other night for two hours. We had a good conversation, and he gave me several compliments. He said I am very easy to talk to, and he said I'm easy on the eyes :-) He is too. I met up with him in person today for lunch. I feel like the conversation got a little strained at points, probably because we'd covered so many topics via email and webcam before. Ugh, getting deja vu from my experience with Jake last year, haha. However, unlike with Jake, Kenny still seems to have some interest in me. I wasn't sure after the date ended since things were getting a little awkward, but I just texted him to tell him I enjoyed meeting him and he responded back that he looks forward to getting to know me better. So, we'll see where that goes. We might go hiking together next weekend.

As for Alex, I've been texting back and forth with him as well. He's pretty busy so we haven't scheduled a second meet up yet, but I think we will. Then there's a couple other guys that I've been chatting with that I haven't met up with yet. It really is a process, this dating thing.

I'm still concerned about chemistry. It seems like it's very common for things to seem really good when communicating online only for it to fizzle once we meet in person. I'm sure this is a common problem with dating. I'm just worried about my ability to find good chemistry with someone. The Ben situation made me all confused, since what I thought was good chemistry apparently wasn't. Maybe I haven't experienced good chemistry yet. I just worry about whether I'm charismatic, interesting, sexy enough. Heck, can someone with sexual desires as low as mine even be sexy?

Yesterday was my friend Phillip's birthday party. We went out to a bar, and afterward sobered up at an IHOP. There I got involved in a pretty interesting discussion about sexuality. I've never discussed that topic in a group setting before. It was interesting playing the role of the openly gay guy. I chatted with my friend Nina's boyfriend quite a bit. Turns out Nina wasn't aware of the concept of gay stereotypes. Her boyfriend and I were blown away. We had to explain to her that Jack from Will & Grace represents the "stereotypical" gay guy, whereas Will is more "straight acting" (apologies to those who don't like that term). It was actually kind of refreshing to find someone who was ignorant of stereotypes like that.

I also (in private) opened up to Nina about my general lack of sexual attractions. She assured me it will happen with the right person. I hope so. In the meantime I will continue to date guys for the same reasons I started . . . I tend to notice attractive ones more often and I tend to crush on them more often. Oh, and I successfully fell in love with one, there's that too.

Still looking back . . . but moving forward

So . . . not much new in the past couple days. Still working on letting go of my anger and getting back to the "peace of mind" I was feeling after the first conversation. The time of year complicates it a little bit . . . it was a year ago that I first met Ben. Sad that what could have been such a happy occasion is instead such a melancholy one. I'm not looking forward to Cinco de Mayo (what would have been our 1 year anniversary).

My latest theory about the break up, which I have adopted to try to reduce the cognitive dissonance it creates in my mind, centers on Ben's anxiety problems. Basically, I think he started out serious about the relationship. But a seed of doubt somehow got planted in his head. Instead of the healthy approach, which would have been addressing it with me, he buried it and allowed it to sprout and grow. His perception that I was fully gung ho about the relationship while he was not started to create an unpleasant anxiety response in him, especially when I showed affection or verbalized my appreciation for him. Eventually, this anxiety overrode any positive feelings and made the relationship unsustainable on his end. When I tried to bury the hatchet and smooth things over last week, what little contact I initiated (text, email, Words with Friends), triggered that same anxiety response and reminded him of his guilt. He decided to request that we continue keeping our distance, but unfortunately in his attempt to sound authoritative in his email he instead came across cold and condescending. Which pissed me off and led to our heated conversation, during which he accused me of trying to "reinvent the wheel."

Well, now many people have weighed in on the situation. I think we were both in the wrong. He was wrong to be so rude. There are many ways he could have requested that I slow down with rebuilding the friendship without coming across as patronizing. He was also wrong to overreact to my attempts to start the relationship off on the right foot . . . though I understand it was more of a preemptive move on his part. He was afraid the contact would increase if left unchecked. I was wrong to jump the gun and think that we could start being friends so soon after the break up. I was willing to give it a try and assess my feelings as I went . . . which is the right approach . . . but it was just too soon. I was also wrong to assume that I was the only one that had healing to do, that it was completely up to me when it was time to be friends. Though it goes against my proactive nature, I need to just step back and let things run their course. I have other things to attend to in the meantime. Other friends. Dating. Work. Figuring out what my next step should be career wise.

So . . . dating. I've been meeting up with guys from the dating website. Four so far. It seems like I generally like the guys this time around better than last year. I think it's because I'm being more discerning. My goal is no longer just to get dating experience and try things out. Now it's to see if there's other guys out there that I can really click with, as friends or otherwise. The emphasis is definitely on friends for right now.

Two of the guys I've met up with were actually carry overs from last year, guys that I had chatted with online but had never met up with. Both of them were really nice. We had great conversation, and they were pretty attractive. Especially the second one. I'll call him Alex. Really fun guy. We had dinner and got a drink afterward. I'm not sure how much he liked me in person as the level of contact has dropped off, but I texted him and he was open to meeting up again. He's about to change jobs though so he's pretty busy at the moment.

Yesterday I met up with Guy # 4. He kind of surprised me. From his messages and profile he came across as quite jovial and gregarious, but in person he was a little more serious. Still very talkative and inquisitive, though. We had great conversation that lasted well past dinner. He's in the process of applying to grad school though (ugh), so he might not be sticking around much longer. I did like him, and we talked about going hiking at some point.

I LOVE hiking. Absolutely my favorite thing to do on a date. And so many guys like to do it too! It's great, you get to explore, be in nature, and get to know someone at the same time. I've been talking to this really nice guy, I'll call him Kenny, and have made tentative plans to meet up for hiking soon. He's pretty young . . . 5 years younger than me which is about as young as I'll go. The range I've been working with is 5 years younger to 5 years older. So basically, I'm looking for guys that were also born in the eighties. Kenny just makes the cut :-)

In fact I just paused in my typing of this to respond to Kenny's latest email. Turns out he's a bit hesitant to meet in person because he just got out of a break-up. Well what do you know. I told him I'm in the same boat, so there's no pressure.

Update

Quick update, because I never like to leave a super emotional post as the most recent one for long :-)

I'm feeling better today. I slept in super late, which I think I really needed. Sleep really does heal.

When I logged on I noticed the anonymous comment on the last entry. I appreciate it, and yes I agree that I was (am) too hung up on being friends with Ben. I disagree that the goal of being friends is "clearly ridiculous" though. It has hit a snag, mostly because I tried to rush the process. But I'm confident it will happen some day. Call me stubborn, I don't care :-) fan of casey is right though . . . I have to resist my normal tendency to be proactive and instead just go with the flow and let things happen in their own time. So yes I agree that I need to cut Ben out of my life. But I do not agree that it has to be forever, that I should write him off completely.

I know it's bad that I'm down on myself. I know there will be others that I will really like, other relationships. I guess I'm just paranoid of this happening again. My scientific mind keeps searching for the reason why this happened to prevent history from repeating itself.

In other news, I'm up in LA this weekend hanging out with my cousin Roger. About to go to a party, then tomorrow I'll meet up with my new gay friend that I met the last time I was in LA.

Until next time!

Headful of ghosts

Hello all.

Thanks for the comments/texts/emails about the last entry. It makes me feel better to hear other people say that my contact was not excessive. I certainly didn't think it was at the time, but Ben made me feel very self-conscious and embarrassed.

It's been a rough week. I was feeling SO much better about everything after the first conversation, but his email/2nd conversation has really made me slide backward. I've been waking up early every morning and have been having trouble getting back to sleep. The patronizing tone of his email keeps replaying in my head. This is what is best for your healing process, he says, while doing a great job of stunting it himself. It's like he took a sharp object away from me with one hand and stabbed me with the other. Consequently it's now proving to be harder than ever to exorcise the ghost of our relationship from my psyche.

Not that it was his intention to hurt me, as always. He honestly thinks he's doing what's best. Maybe he is. Maybe I tried to rush into the friendship stage too fast, maybe I overestimated my own ability to handle a platonic friendship at this point (not that I was given the chance to even try). I just hope I haven't screwed things up for good.

I can't count down to any closure-seeking conversation this time. I don't know when Ben will reach out. As fan of casey said, it may be a long time. When I spoke to him he said that he would be afraid of leading me on if he called. I told him that's what communication is good for . . . to make one's intentions clear.

While during the first conversation I was glad that I had shared this blog with him, now I am wishing I hadn't. My friend Philip relayed his mom's advice to me: when someone breaks up with you . . . don't let them see how much they've hurt you. I don't know, maybe I was hoping that if Ben read all of the nice things I had written about him, it might touch him enough to second guess himself. Instead, it made him realize just how into him I was, and by comparison just how not into me he was.

I know it's immature, but I feel like yelling at him "You started it!" I was holding back a bit at the beginning of the relationship, when everything was new. Having known that Ben had initially not been interested in me, I was cautious about moving too fast. Once Ben said the magic words "I love you" it was like a green light to allow myself to love him. It's like we were at the top of a waterfall, Ben shouted "Let's go!" but I was the only one to actually take the plunge. I spent my time happily swimming in blissful ignorance until I finally realized I was by myself.

 A fellow blogger sent me an email questioning why a friendship with Ben is so important to me. It's a good question. I've never had an easy time making new friends, especially close friends. Making a new addition to my close friends happens maybe once every couple years. So there's that, my perception that people that I click with in that way are so hard to come by. And obviously there is the fact that Ben makes me happy. I feel better about myself when I'm around him. Also, I tend to be fiercely loyal. Despite the fact the Ben broke my heart, he still played an important role in my life this past year. I care about him and want to be there for him in whatever capacity I can.

My tendency to put so much emotional investment in relationships is dangerous. It sets me up for massive disappointment. It happened with Lance and it has now happened with Ben.

I still find myself questioning if I did something wrong in the relationship. If I was too vulnerable, too transparent, too predictable, too anxious.

I don't want to screw up next time I find someone I really like.

Words with (ex-boy)friends

Well, I kinda screwed up. Messed up building my new platonic friendship with Ben, at least for the time being. Rushed things too fast. Tried to be too proactive. Now I'm paying the price.

Last week's conversation left me in (relatively) high spirits. I no longer harbored a grudge against Ben for what he had done. He had acknowledged his mistakes and apologized for the hurt he had caused. I was still hurting and missing him, but I was ready to leave this sad chapter of my life behind and work toward redefining our relationship.

The next day, I realized that the one item of business that I had meant to address in our conversation had been forgotten. He had written me a check the night of the break up, but had written a future date on it to give himself time to put money in his account. I had wanted to confirm with him that it was okay to deposit it. So I texted him to confirm this.

After the break-up, a few of his close girlfriends had responded to me on Facebook with words of sympathy, and encouragement. I saw them on chat after the conversation I had with Ben, and let them know that we were back on speaking terms. I wanted to clue them into the fact that I was in a much better place than when they had last heard from me, and Ben and I would be able to be friends. Heck, I valued these people as friends of my own, since I had gotten to know them over the past year.

Friday I sent Ben an email with a link to a website. It's a forum for LGBT issues that I sometimes visit for advice, or to simply browse the topics. I had mentioned it during our conversation and wanted to be sure he had the link.

And finally, my Words with Friends game on my Ipad (for those not familiar, it's basically a computer version of Scrabble) told me that Ben had recently joined and kept asking if I wanted to challenge him to a game. As a friendly gesture, I sent him a game invite.

Apparently, these gestures were too much. Ben responded to my email saying thanks for the link and the conversation, but moving forward, he thought we should keep our distance and limit ourselves to checking in once every other month or so at most. He said any contact beyond that would stunt my healing process. He said sorry, but this was what he thought was best to make an eventual platonic friendship possible.

I took the email like a slap in the face. What the heck had I done? Was this really about Words with Friends? I texted him to request we talk about the email. He called later on, and we had what amounted to the first and only real argument we EVER had.

He said that between the text, the email, the game invite, and reaching out to his friends on Facebook, that I had basically overstepped my bounds. He was feeling uncomfortable, and was having a resurgence of the feelings from the end of our relationship. Plus, since he didn't accept the game invite, the game was sending him reminders to accept. (He thought I was manually sending those reminders, when in reality they are automatic.)

I couldn't believe me ears. I had made a conscious effort to not contact him excessively. I had not called him again since Wednesday, nor had I texted him beyond Thursday's brief, business-only text. The email was me trying to help. The game invite was meant to be a "no hard feelings" olive branch. I figured hey, if we're friends now, might as well start treating him like one.

Of course, he's been talking to people. And of course, everyone and their mother has an opinion about etiquette with exes. So whereas I am of the camp that dropping contact can sometimes be counterproductive when you're trying to maintain some sort of relationship with someone (although it might work wonders if your goal is to cut someone out of your life completely), he is of the camp where exes must basically drop off the face of the earth until some arbitrary future date, at which they might be able to be friends. He was very condescending throughout the conversation. A lot of "Cal, listen," and "Cal, here's the thing." I was left feeling like he thought I was exactly the kind of clingy psycho ex-boyfriend that I had made a point of not being. Meanwhile, sure I still have feelings for him. But I was focused on reaching out in friendly ways to get our new friendship started on the right foot.

Instead, I'm angry again, which is disappointing to me. I thought we had moved on from that. I thought there was no way that Ben could still hurt me, could still reject me. Now my whole plan to transition gradually into friendship is blown to hell. Ben and I are no longer going to meet up in LA this weekend.

Now, having had today to reflect on things (after having trouble sleeping for the first time since all of this began . . . I didn't even have trouble sleeping the night of the breakup!), I understand his position a little better (though I still think he majorly overreacted). I know that conventional wisdom states that you mustn't try to be friends until any and all feelings have dried up and died. But that's why I was going to take it slow and gradual. That's why I was going to keep tabs on my emotions and adjust accordingly. So I was greatly offended when Ben claimed to know what was best for my healing process. And I was awestruck that a text asking about a check could resurrect negative emotions from our breakup.

Bottom line: Okay, so I'm not completely over Ben. And maybe I was being over-zealous in trying to rush our relationship into the friend stage at this point. But this isn't just about my healing process. Ben obviously has some healing to do too, and I believe he doesn't want to try to be friends at this point because he feels too guilty. I do believe he is serious about being friends. As he said himself, if he wasn't serious about it he wouldn't have taken the time to talk to me and set things straight. And I appreciate his open-mindedness and willingness to do that.

Questions: Was I in the wrong? Did I push too far too fast? Was it unreasonable to at least TRY to transition to friendship at this point, even if my intent was to do it very gradually? Do you think Ben overreacted?

Where we stand now: I told him he can call me when he's ready to be friends. I suggested one of us call the other in a few weeks or a month. But at this point I know it's going to have to be him. If the slightest contact from me sets off his paranoia at this point, then I'll be much too self-conscious to reach out again until he does first. If that ever happens.

Wow. Who knew a friggin' Words with Friends invite could be taken the wrong way? Piece of work, that guy. Maybe this all is a blessing in disguise. His impulsive, reactive decision making is becoming a pattern.

Oh and don't worry. He basically promised he's not going to read the blog anymore. I do trust his word.

Lonely boy

The meaning of weekends has definitely shifted. Whereas before they were something special to look forward to, a weekly mini-vacation, now they are something to be endured. This weekend was completely uneventful. I was supposed to meet up with a friend today to play guitar, but he ended up cancelling on me due to being too busy. So both yesterday and today I basically stayed home all day, bored and lonely. Ben is lucky. He has a house full of roommates who are there a lot of the time, and who are also some of his closest friends. For me, I was home alone for most of the weekend. None of my friends give me the time of day unless I reach out first. I guess this is what happens when you spend every weekend with your significant other. Once you're broken up, you don't know what to do with yourself on the weekends anymore.

Next weekend should be more eventful. As I said before, I'm planning on going up to LA to attend a party. While I'm up there I plan to meet up with my cousin Roger, my friend Lance, and Ben. I'm thinking maybe we can all go hiking together or something.

I've been corresponding with several guys from the dating website. There's one that I like quite a bit, I'm looking forward to meeting up with him. There are several others that I've been texting back and forth with.

I know that in order to truly move on after a break up, you have to kill whatever hope you have of getting back together. I guess my problem is I see the break up as being more due to Ben's current state of mind rather than any fundamental incompatibility between us. I can't help but hope that once he satisfies his curiosity about dating girls he will decide he wants a guy after all and will come back to me. Realistically, I know that even if he goes back to guys, that won't change the fact that he didn't feel strong enough feelings for me. So even though I was the "whole package" and we "looked good on paper," there is something about me that fails to ring his bell. And even if he wanted to give me another shot, I'm not sure it would be wise for me to accept. He's already rejected me twice before. How foolish I would feel to be rejected a third time by the same person. He would definitely have to convince me that things were different.

The last month has seen the resurgence of a lot of my sexuality confusion. After browsing on internet forums, it seems that a term that describes me pretty well is "demisexual." Basically, it means that I don't have interest in sex outside of a serious relationship. I need strong emotional feelings for someone in order to have any sort of drive (and even then the drive is low). The good part of that, obviously, is I won't have to worry about being tempted to cheat, or be promiscuous. The downside is it makes it hard to know who to pursue. I guess I really do just need to focus on meeting people and making friends first. If someone catches my attention like Ben did, then I'll go from there.

Peace of mind

I broke No Contact. I didn't quite make it 30 days. And I couldn't be happier.

The waiting game was really starting to weigh on me. I was continuing to have dreams involving Ben. Except he was never actually in the dream. His presence was heavily felt, but he never physically appeared. All day long I would continue to ruminate about the lingering issues. I would browse the internet for articles and forums about break ups and the No Contact Rule. Finally I came across a relationship website that was highly critical of the No Contact Rule, especially when you wish to be friends with your ex. A lot of the articles made a lot of sense to me, and I decided I'd had enough of this No Contact foolishness.

So earlier this evening, I called Ben. Voice mail. I chickened out before leaving a message, so I texted him to let him know I was just calling to see how he was doing. A little later he texted me back saying he needed to run errands but he would call me around 10:30. He called just about then. We just got off the phone a couple minutes ago. It's 12:30.

My plan going into the conversation was to keep things simple. I wanted to start off our new friend era on a positive note, and that meant not beating the dead horse of our relationship. I would get my lingering issues addressed at a later date.

That plan didn't last. Not long into the conversation (but after he revealed he had finally gotten a job, whoo hoo!) he admitted to something that I found rather surprising . . . he's been reading this blog.

As I mentioned at the end of the last entry, I didn't think it was likely that he was reading it. I figured he would be moving on, that he wouldn't care what was going on with me. Well, turns out he did care. Since he was allowing me my space to heal in my No Contact bubble, he was reading the blog to "check up" on me. I immediately felt bad about all of the rather . . . strong things I said about him, but he insisted I had no need to apologize.

At this point it became clear to me that my plan for having the "relationship post mortem" conversation in person was not going to pan out. This was the time. And so, over the next two hours, we talked about everything. Every one of the three major hurtful things was addressed.

1) Him keeping his waning feelings a secret: he acknowledged that he had not handled this properly. I explained to him that he ideally should have told me much sooner, long before he felt the relationship was on its last legs (but not too soon either, you don't know at first whether the way you're feeling is temporary or not).
2) The four day turn around: he apologized that the end came so suddenly for me. I acknowledged my understanding that he is a very proactive and decisive person, which played a role in this.
3) The OkCupid profile: he admitted that he created the profile not because he was over the relationship already, but because he was looking for social interaction to fill the void left by my sudden departure from his life (no more weekend visits, no more daily phone calls).

He says he indeed went through a period of melancholy after things ended between us. He says that his feelings were indeed sincere. He also said that part of the reason he is focusing on dating girls right now is because he is questioning his capability of feeling the right kind of romantic feelings for a guy. He feels that I really was the whole package otherwise, and so if he couldn't feel strong enough love for me then he might not be able to feel it for any guy. With the girls he's dated in the past, his level of emotional attachment was a lot stronger. He changed his OkCupid status to "straight" because he was not getting any responses while he was labeled "bisexual." However, he says he will be up-front and honest about it after meeting in person. He recognizes that it will be an uphill battle finding a girl who is okay with this.

During our conversation, I basically decided to go for broke, throw all that break up advice out the window. Don't tell me not to talk about the past relationship with my ex. I'm gonna talk it to death dammit! I asked him every question I could think of that I'd been wanting to ask.

"What was the breaking point?" Answer: He's not sure. It was a gradual thing. I think he eventually just took the opportunity to address it with me when it came.

"Was I not sexual enough?" Answer: This was not an issue for him.

"Was it the affection discrepancy?" Answer: No . . . he just attributed this to me being an overall more affectionate person. So when he explained it by saying it was his personality and not me . . . that was the truth.

"What are you going to look for in future relationships?" Answer: He may start following his initial intuitions. This made me a little said, because if he had done that with me we never would have had our relationship at all. I told him I don't think this is always wise. Instead he should take it on a case by case basis. Sometimes attraction is immediate. Sometimes it needs time to grow, if the person is promising. I don't think we were doomed to fail from the start. Circumstances, timing, where we are in our lives . . . whatever . . . simply got in the way.

"Where do we go from here?" Answer: We made tentative plans to meet up when I'm in LA in two weeks. A fellow blogger invited me to a party, and I think I will go. Will Ben be invited? Ehhh . . . might be awkward to go with my ex.

When I next see Ben, I will just have to try to keep my feelings in check. But I figure a trial and error process is in order. If I enjoy my time with him and don't get too sad or obsessive, then I'll continue on accordingly. If my emotions start messing with me though . . . then it's time to step back a bit.

So where do we stand? Well, Ben is truly remorseful for the pain he has caused. He genuinely likes me and feels blessed to have me in his life. I feel the same about him. He really does think highly of me, he's just finding himself still. His goal is to move ahead with his career while continuing on his journey of discovery in his personal life. I plan to support him every step of the way. Navigating this dating world is so daunting at times . . . I'm glad I don't have to face it alone.

I guess I'm not the only one who is All Mixed up in CA.