Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I'm at my parents' house in the Midwest right now. It's been a great trip so far. Ben and my parents get along great. Yesterday we went out on the lake in my parents' pontoon boat, and both Ben and I got to steer. Tonight my parents will be having several friends over for dinner. Ben will no doubt be introduced as my "friend," which is fine.
I'm feeling a lot better about our relationship then when I last wrote. I had a little talk with Ben the other night before we left about the affection thing and my concerns. He said that he is generally rather low on the affection scale, that it has nothing to do with me in particular. At the same time, lately he seems to have been a bit more affectionate than usual, which I greatly appreciate. It's a matter of give and take.
I hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving with good food and good company. I am so thankful for my friends and family, and for my relationship with Ben. I am also thankful for this blog, and for all of my readers and your advice. Thank you all so much! I have grown so much as a person over this last year, and I look forward to the journey ahead!
I'm still around. Just been really busy lately. I'm gearing up for my trip to the Midwest next week with Ben. We'll be flying out Tuesday and coming back Saturday. It will be the most time I've spent with him in the six months that we've been together, so I'm excited about that. Yep, six months! We celebrated earlier this month by going back to the place where we first met in Long Beach. We didn't go to the same bar though. Instead we ate dinner at a really good Mediterranean Place (one of my favorite types of food). We also walked around the waterfront for a while. It was beautiful, and romantic.
Things haven't been totally 100% perfect (are they ever?) Some of the initial magic has worn off as we've gotten to know each other more and more. Not to say we like each other less, I think we're just moving out of that initial "honey moon phase" after you first start a relationship. The imbalance in how we show affection is still a recurring issue, with me often feeling like he is not affectionate enough. I've noticed that he doesn't compliment me as much as he used to, even though I still try to compliment him on a regular basis. On the bright side, I still see Ben every weekend and greatly enjoy my time with him. He's getting more and more attractive since he's really gotten into working out since we started dating. We talk multiple times every day and it still makes me happy to look down at my buzzing phone and see his smiling face.
Ben is going through quite a lot of stress lately as he struggles to make ends meet with his part-time job while looking for full-time work. That may explain why he sometimes seems a bit standoffish. I have my own stresses to deal with as well, as I'm playing the waiting game while schools review my application materials.
The other day I heard from my best-gay-friend, aka YouTube Guy. He's thinking of proposing to his boyfriend! I'm not sure it's wise to move that fast (they've only been together for 8 months), but I'm happy that he seems to have gotten through his period of confusion.
In honor of the new Soundgarden album (their first in 15 years!!) Here is their first single. An appropriate title for this blog entry!
Hello all! I asked a physical therapist I know about my neck. I had narrowed the cause down to one of two things: either I hurt it in the gym on Thursday night (unlikely, since it didn't hurt until Saturday morning), or its from sleeping weird (I slept on Ben's water pillow Friday night and may have been sleeping on my side too). I didn't think the latter was likely since it's been bad for four days now, but the PT disagreed. He said sleeping on your neck weird really can cause pretty bad pain that takes several days to resolve. No more water pillows for me!
So maybe I'll make this entry about sleep. Ben and I have our little ritual when we sleep together, which I may have addressed previously: several minutes of cuddling, then one of us signals to the other that we're ready to go to sleep. We then go to our own sides of the bed. Some people are able to fall asleep cuddling, but Ben is unable to do that. As I recall we did attempt it the first couple of times, and I did wake up quite frequently (especially because that was in my tiny little twin bed, haha). I've grown accustomed to the routine. There's cuddle time, and then there's sleep time. This makes my sleep a lot better since I'm less likely to be woken up by sudden movement during the night.
Not all is good in dreamland, though. Ben has told me several times that he has heard what sounds like me having breathing trouble at times while I sleep. I'm hoping its not sleep apnea, that can be serious. I have been quite tired during the day at times, and I do have a deviated septum (one nostril is much easier to breathe out of than the other due to this), so I'm thinking I'd better get checked out. Either by an ENT doctor or a sleep specialist.
What about you, dear readers? Any sleeping quirks? What position do you prefer (I like to sleep on my back)? Are you able to fall asleep cuddling (or do you think you'd be able to)? What size bed do you have? Anyone familiar with what I'm referencing by the title of this entry? Hint: there was a recent Google Doodle dedicated to it.
I am soooo sick of election season. I just want it to be decided already so the country can move forward. I can't stand how polarized politics have become. I'm sick of the left trying to convince us that Romney is a cold, heartless creep who spits on poor people and women. I'm sick of the right trying to convince us that Obama is a radical, socialist failure who wants government to control our lives.
You know what? I tried several times to write a political diatribe here about my frustration with the Republican Party, but in the end I think I'll just say screw it. Arguing politics is like arguing philosophy. You can go around in circles, spin things this way and that way, but in the end there is no objective right answer. Suffice it to say at this point I almost certainly will vote Obama. As a critical thinker, as a gay man, as a lover of science and reason, and as a secularist/borderline atheist, this makes the most sense to me. Maybe I'm wrong. My parents, especially my dad, think he's the worst thing to happen to the White House since . . . well ever, haha. But I need to do what feels right to me. Feel free to leave your opinions about the election in the comments, but DON'T get nasty about either candidate or party! I get so tired of all the BS rhetoric.
In other news things are going great with Ben. I had another amazing weekend with him, though I sprained my neck somehow and was therefore pretty much down for the count the whole time. But he was very sweet and understanding. I love him :-)
Yesterday I took Ben to Disneyland. It was his very first time there since he's from the east coast. I had been wanting to take him there for quite a while, and about a week ago I discovered that this weekend was the annual "Gay Days." It's not officially endorsed by Disneyland, but they know about it. Every year on the first weekend of October, gay people flock to Disneyland dressed in red shirts. Ben and I donned red and got to the park about 5 PM (he had to work during the day, so we purchased discounted "twilight tickets" that are good for 4 PM and later). It was amazing being there with so many gay people about. All over the place were groups of red shirted guys, and seeing a gay couple holding hands was not unusual. Ben and I held hands quite a lot. It was great. Unfortunately two of my favorite rides, Indiana Jones and Space Mountain, were closed (the former was closed all day, the latter broke down right when we went to get in line).
I read an article in the OC Register about the event. There were the inevitable comments from the bigots and homophobes at the bottom. Things like "How come there's no straight day?" (common response: "Try the other 364 days of the year!"). One person stated that they didn't want to go because such an event would attract "strange, flamboyant types." Well, I was there for 7 hours, and though I saw all sorts of guys in red shirts, I did not see any over the top behavior. In retrospect I wonder whether Ben and I holding hands "offended" anyone who saw us.
Today's song: a song that my friend posted on my Facebook wall in response to my status about going to Disneyland. Quite catchy.
I've been meaning to write an entry for a while, I've just been very busy. Well, today I got a comment from fan of casey wondering what's going on, so I figured I'd oblige :-)
First of all, I'm doing away with the song title thing like I said I would. Too hard. I'll still include a song though. A new song that I like, or an old song that's stuck in my head. Today's pick is the new single by Muse, "Madness," in honor of the release of their new album tomorrow.
The last week saw a lot of travelling. First, Ben and I took our first plane trip together, flying up to San Francisco for a long weekend. Unfortunately it was for my job, so I had to sit in meetings for much of the time. The up-side of course was getting the room and my flight paid for. The best part: I got to meet YouTube Guy! He was in town with his boyfriend of six months. It was really great meeting them and spending time with another gay couple. YouTube Guy and I have been through somewhat parallel journeys over the past year since we first connected, and we've been dating our boyfriends about the same amount of time (Ben and I are at five months in a couple days). We had an awesome time hanging out together, and they even took Ben around the city in their rental car while I was in a meeting.
One thing we did was visit the famous Castro district. Wow, is that like another world or what? Gay couples everywhere (not to mention naked dudes . . . and not of the eye candy variety) . . . Ben and I could totally walk around that part of town holding hands without a second thought. Unfortunately not all of SF was quite as tolerant. While holding hands elsewhere in the city we inadvertently walked in front of a street preacher who admonished us by shouting "One virgin man, one virgin woman! No man and man!" We just chuckled it off and kept walking. Thinking back on it later though, I realized that was the first time I've had homophobia directed at me. We were definitely more careful after that.
After San Francisco we flew back home and I went to work for one day before flying off to Upstate New York for another meeting. This trip I was unaccompanied by Ben, unfortunately. The meeting was pretty cool, it was held at a conference center in the middle of the woods. It was absolutely beautiful there, I really wished Ben could have seen it.
After I returned from NY I spent the weekend at Ben's house. His job is requiring him to do some work on weekends, which will make our weekends a little more complicated, primarily because for now I will always have to be the one to come to him. Which is better in a lot of ways since I still have a twin bed. Yes, I know. Unforgivable, right? Ha ha. Ben has trouble sleeping with such limited space, so nights are easier at his place. It does mean if I want to see him I won't have any weekends at home, and I'll spend more on gas. We'll see.
One day over the weekend I overheard Ben telling his friend about my blog (he hasn't read it, he just knows about it). I felt a little bit like my privacy was violated, but then I thought twice about that initial reaction. I never told him the fact that I keep an anonymous blog was off-limits, and he seems to think of it as a cool thing. Even so, I told him later that I didn't feel comfortable having anyone I know in person reading it (well, excluding people I've met through the blog). However, perhaps someday I'll let him read it. And I believe someone suggested that I have Ben write an entry. He'd totally be up for that. I'd just have to ask him to resist the temptation to Google a sentence from his entry to find my blog, ha ha.
Other Ben news: though his finances have been a bit shaky recently he has decided to accompany me to my parents' house in the Midwest for Thanksgiving! Super cool. It's definitely not California . . . they live in a very conservative, religious area. We're both super careful, though. It should be a lot of fun.
With this entry, I'm going to bring the whole "Song title for every entry" thing to an end. It was fun for a while but now it's just too hard to come up with things.
Anyways, it's been a (relatively) long time since I posted, especially after my record posting habits in the first half of this year.
Ben and I are just about at the four month mark. Pretty much the only issue we have faced in our relationship thus far is trying to come to a consensus about the right amount of affection to show each other when in public or around friends and family. This became a conscious issue because of my family, but lately I started feeling like Ben had taken their criticism (well in some cases more like observations) too much to heart. It got to the point where I was feeling like I was the only one initiating any kind of affection, which made me worry about Ben's feelings toward me.
Over the weekend I decided to open up about it. Ben acknowledged that he does get self conscious about showing affection around others, especially when the two of us are hanging around one other friend that might feel like a third wheel. What do you guys think, what's the appropriate amount of PDA to show? Should you "tone it down" out of a courtesy to others around you who might not be fortunate enough to be in a relationship like you? Mind you, I'm not saying the normal level is making out in public or anything. Basically in public I just like to put my arm around his shoulders, or around his waist, and maybe sneak a little peck when no one seems to be paying attention. I feel like if I were to follow Ben's lead, we would be indistinguishable from a pair of good friends. Which in certain settings of questionable safety, is a good thing. But everywhere?
The place where I really got self conscious about it was in the movie theater. A darkened movie theater is so closely associated with affection between lovers that it's almost cliche. But all my attempts to hold hands, rest my head on his shoulder or rest my hand on his leg met with no reaction. Later he said it was because we were with my friend (let it be noted he wasn't sitting between us or anything!)
Anyways, I opened up about what was bothering me. Ben thanked me for being honest and felt bad that I felt that way over the whole weekend. He said that it was the presence of my friend that he was conscious about. I suggested that since I've been working on "toning down" my PDA to make him feel more comfortable, maybe he could "tone up" his a little bit. I said that I liked that little bit of reassurance every once and a while, and hoped that didn't make me seem overly needy. He said no, that he had heard that such reassurance is a common desire in relationships.
Basically we've agreed to try to meet in the middle to find a place that is comfortable for both of us. Since our conversation made me feel so much better (and really energized our feelings for each other) I suggested we make it a regular practice to have little "state of the relationship" chats, a time when we could bring up any issues that were bothering us, or remind each other about how much we mean to each other. He agreed that could be a good idea. What do you think?
To recap my questions to you:
1) How much affection is appropriate when out in public? When around friends? When around one single friend?
2) Do you think have fairly regular chats about the state of the relationship is a good idea?
