Communication breakdown

My anger has faded. Now I'm back on the path toward acceptance.

A few days ago I logged into Facebook and got a message in my news feed that Ben had changed his relationship status to "Single." I had already removed "In a Relationship" from my profile, but I did it in secret. Ben didn't think to do that, so his status change went out to all his friends. So I went and made my status "Single" so it would show up on news feeds too. Yeah, I know. Silly me.

Anyways, my uncle and aunt called me a little while ago to express their sympathy over the dissolution of my relationship. They learned about it from that Facebook post. I appreciated that soooo much! This is the uncle and aunt that are the parents of my three cousins (aka, my best friends in the world), but are also the very conservative, Fox News watching relatives that I had been worried about coming out to. So for them to call me like that made me feel very loved and accepted. They were sad that they never got to meet Ben, especially after hearing such great things about him from those who had (my parents, my cousins, and me of course).

The other night I was browsing on the dating website and was randomly messaged by a guy in Georgia. Turns out the guy just wanted conversation, and we ended up getting into quite an interesting one. He's two months into a relationship, and he finds himself in Ben's shoes. He feels that his boyfriend is way more into him than he is. I advised him to be honest and open about his feelings, and to not lead his boyfriend on by pretending everything is okay when it's not. But since they're only two months in, I also encouraged him to give it some time. I told him about my plan to reach out to Ben eventually, probably after a month of zero contact. He didn't think a month was enough time at all, especially since the breakup was one-sided.

Heck, everyone seems to have an opinion about this. How long should the "No Contact" period last after a break-up? I've read several answers to this question on the internet. Some say a month. Some say two months. Some say half the length of the relationship (which in my case would be more like four months). And then there are those that say forever, that you should just move on and not even try to be friends with an ex. I can't stand people who say that. Everyone's different, every relationship is different, and every breakup is different. To say that exes should never try to be friends is such a ridiculous generalization.

How I'm approaching it now: 30 days is not set in stone. Instead, I will assess how I feel around that time, after it's been about a month since the split. I will probably give him a call to see how he's doing and just take things from there. My feelings will then determine whether and when I see him again. Of course, it would be great if he was the first one to reach out . . . that would prove to me he really does want to be friends. But I sincerely doubt that will happen. The ball's gonna have to be in my court.

I do think that before a friendship is possible we are going to have to have a conversation. I want to talk about the things that hurt me the most about the breakup. Namely, 1) the fact that he kept his feelings (or lack thereof) to himself for so long, and was dishonest when I would ask him how he felt about the relationship; 2) the very quick turnaround time between him finally telling me about his issues and breaking things off; and 3) putting up a dating profile just a week (or less) after we broke up.

I just spent several hours watching video clips of the Will and Sonny story line from Days of Our Lives. I want what they have. I want to be with someone who not only says he loves me, but means it . . . and shows it. I don't want to find myself second-guessing about my partner's feelings. I shouldn't have to.

Smash!!!

Be warned . . . Angry SoCalRockFan has been unleashed!!

I was feeling pretty good for most of the day. I thought to myself, "Well, I'm definitely out of the Denial Stage. And even though I'm still bouncing between Sadness and Anger, they're a little weaker each time. I'm making progress!" So I got home and started browsing on a dating site to take a look for any prospects. I don't think I'm quite ready to meet up with anyone, but I just wanted to look. As I looked I began to get sadder and sadder. "Wow, Ben's so much better looking than most of these guys. Man, some of these guys sound like they have very little in common with me. God, I miss Ben. Aw man, how come all the most interesting guys are so far from my area? Well I'd commute if they were worth it. Like Ben." And then it hit me. KAPOW! Ben's face. Staring at me from a shiny new profile, with the words "Online Now". I resisted the urge to click on it (he'd be able to tell). Instead I buried my face in my bed covers and cried for the first time in a week. Not as hard . . . not as long . . . but still I cried. And not just the sadness returned. The anger returned too. I cussed him out, calling him cold, uncaring, heartless . . . accusing him of being out on the prowl for another guy's heart to break. No wonder the turn around between him telling me about his problems and him dumping me was so quick, he couldn't wait to get back out there!

Why this emotional reaction? Perhaps it was the simple realization that he was back out on the market again, lost to me. Or perhaps it was a feeling of betrayal, since he had told me he was going to focus on career right now and didn't seem to be in a hurry to resume dating. Or maybe it was because I had finally started to come to terms with the break-up by convincing myself that Ben was simply not at the stage of maturity where he was ready for a long-term relationship (well, that's still probably true). Maybe my anger is simply due to the fact that the finality of the breakup is confirmed, like finding an obituary in the paper after you heard from someone that your good friend has died.

And I see his profile carries the label "bisexual." He had mentioned that the thought of dating girls again had crossed his mind. Not to come across as biphobic . . . but this experience has made me a little leery of dating bisexual guys. I feel like he used me for dating experience and then jettisoned me when my usefulness had expired. This is exactly why I wanted to figure out whether I wanted guys or girls before getting into a serious relationship, so I wouldn't do this to somebody.

Of course, I was on the site browsing too. But I already had the profile from a year ago. I have no intention to go on dates anytime soon. I'm pretty sure Ben didn't use that particular site before. In fact, I am probably the one who told him about it. So he just made a brand new profile, a week and a half after breaking up with his boyfriend of nearly 9 months. I assume he at least waited until then! Not that he has any healing to do.

Now is my anger rational? Maybe not. He's single, he has every right to be on that site. And so he fibbed about wanting to focus on work for a while . . . or he changed his mind. What was he supposed to say, "Well SoCal, I plan to immediately return to dating so I can find someone better." And yes, it's a safe bet that he's not hurting too much over the loss of our relationship. After all, he had several months of waning feelings to prepare himself for it. Be careful guys, this one's a fickle one!

I really do feel like a recovering addict. I just fell off the wagon so now I have to climb back up. At this point a friendship with Ben seems a lot harder to pull off than it did initially . . . although I really want it to work out. BUT, I only want it to if HE actually wants it. And right now I have no idea how he feels about me. I feel like the last several months were all a lie. I know he "admires" me, but I don't know if he "likes" me. I don't know if he'd miss me at all if he never heard from me again. I guess I just feel totally rejected, and even though he said he wants to be friends, I'm not sure whether to believe it. Heck, I believed all that "I love you" nonsense which HE instigated (hope he learns to throw those words around with more caution in the future . . . hard to believe he really meant it if we didn't have any "chemistry"). And . . . I'm not sure how painful it will be for me to try to be friends with him. I know if it can work it's going to have to be a slow, gradual process. I guess I'll just have to take it a step at a time, after at least a couple more weeks of zero contact.

Ugh, sorry for the anger fest. I'm just sick of hurting! Suddenly the lyrics of something like 50% of popular music make so much more sense to me. I'm so angry at the guy, but I miss him so much! I feel like a piece of myself was ripped out and the wound is slowly healing. I just need to learn to stop picking at the scab. Eeew . . . okay that's a gross metaphor.

Super Bowl Party

I went to a Super Bowl party today at my friend's house. I saw the last two friends that were on my list of people to tell about me dating guys, and I told them both. They both took it really well, as I knew they would. I used to live with them both, and they are really cool, awesome guys. They also listened to my story of the relationship with Ben, and the end. My one friend, Ryan (who is actually Philip's older brother) was a really good one to talk to, because he has successfully remained friends with almost all of his ex-girlfriends. This doesn't surprise me. Ryan is one of the most friendly, caring people I know. He has so many friends . . . I've been to numerous parties at his place, and every time I feel like 2/3 of the people I've never seen before (maybe he just goes through friends fast? haha) But there's always a core group that I see a lot. Anyways, hearing about his success reassures me that it will be possible in my case to remain friends. How good of friends remains to be seen, but I think it's worth a try.

I've pretty much written off the possibility of us getting back together at this point. Although the other night I did dream about it happening. Then awoke to the crushing disappointment of it having been just a dream. Anyways, I think Ben has some things to sort out before he's ready for a truly lasting long-term relationship, including improving his communication skills. Everyone I talk to shows the same surprise and sympathy for the whole 4-day turn around between Ben telling me about his problems and breaking up with me, which definitely makes me feel vindicated. I hope I never blindside someone like that. If a relationship of that length is positive at all I think it deserves at least a week or two of mutual problem solving and complete openness.

Also this weekend, I talked on the phone for quite a while with an old friend from middle/high school. We've chatted on FB in the past year, but this is the first time I've actually talked to him since our school days. He is gay and is living in a different state with his partner. It was neat to swap stories about coming to terms with ourselves and coming out.

As you may have noticed, I posted a video of myself covering that Madonna song on the guitar yesterday. Kind of a big deal for me, since I've never posted video of myself (though my face is blocked). Credit socrkid17 and ClosetCarGuy for having the guts to do it first. What did you guys think? Maybe I'll do it again sometime.

My Take (A Bow)

Take a bow

And now I just ruined my (relatively) positive mood by going through pictures of Ben and I. Oops. But I'm definitely spending more time in the Sadness Stage than the Anger Stage lately. Progress maybe.

I rediscovered this song the week before it happened. Now just a short time later it speaks to me much more profoundly.

Take a bow, the night is overThis masquerade is getting olderLights are low, the curtain's downThere's no one here(There's no one here, there's no one in the crowd)
Say your lines but do you feel themDo you mean what you sayWhen there's no one around(No one around)Watching you, watching me, one lonely star(One lonely star you don't know who you are)
I've always been in love with you(Always with you)I guess you've always known it's true(You know it's true)You took my love for granted, why? Oh, why?The show is over, say goodbyeSay goodbye(Bye, bye)Say goodbye
Make them laugh, it comes so easyWhen you get to the partWhere you're breaking my heart(Breaking my heart)Hide behind your smile, all the world loves a clown(Just make 'em smile, the whole world loves a clown)
Wish you well, I cannot stayYou deserve an award for the role that you played(Role that you played)No more masquerade, you're one lonely star(One lonely star and you don't know who you are)
I've always been in love with you(Always with you)I guess you've always known it's true(You know it's true)You took my love for granted, why? Oh, why?The show is over, say goodbye
I've always been in love with you(Always with you)I guess you've always known it's true(You know it's true)You took my love for granted, why? Oh, why?The show is over, say goodbyeSay goodbye(Bye, bye)Say goodbye
All the world is a stage(World is a stage)And everyone has their part(Has their part)But how was I to know which way the story'd goHow was I to know you'd break(You'd break, you'd break, you'd break)You'd break my heart
I've always been in love with you(I've always been in love with you)Guess you've always knownYou took my love for granted, why? Oh, why?The show is over, say goodbye
I've always been in love with you(Always with you)I guess you've always known it's true(You know it's true)You took my love for granted, why? Oh, why?The show is over, say goodbyeSay goodbye(Bye, bye)Say goodbye
Say goodbye

Don't look back in anger

Hi everyone.

First of all, thank you so much for all of the thoughtful comments. Even though I haven't met (most) of you in person, it warms my heart to receive your sympathy and advice. I'm sorry I couldn't give my story a happy ending with Ben. That was part of the reason I chose to continue this blog well into our relationship, even after I ceased to be "all mixed up" about it. I wanted to give hope to any other confused, doubtful guys out there that they could find the relationship of their dreams.

Well, even if the relationship ultimately didn't go the way I wanted it to, I still hope that anyone reading this can take something positive away from it. Just a year ago I was still in the midst of confusion and a years-long analysis paralysis. I finally took a leap of faith into the dating scene, which started out as just an experiment. I had doubts about whether I could find a guy in real life with whom I would be interested in pursuing a relationship. In no time at all, I met an amazing guy who I thought was attractive, nice, and interesting. Though he initially just wanted to be friends, I pursued him and entered into a wonderful, exciting eight and a half month relationship with him. I hit so many milestones during that time. I came out to the rest of my family and friends. I took him to my ten year high school reunion and thus came out to many of my high school acquaintances. I experienced sexual activities for the first time. I learned how to be affectionate and intimate in a romantic way, and found that I greatly enjoyed it. I learned to be comfortable in my own skin, to embrace my attraction to guys and discuss it openly with someone. And now that I've experienced heartbreak, I've hit another milestone that so many people face at least once in their lives.

I will remember my times with Ben for the rest of my life. As difficult a year as 2010 was for me (Europe trip excluded of course), 2012 was overall amazing. Yes, it did have the stress of applications (which also didn't pan out), but Ben helped shelter me so much from the stress I may have experienced otherwise. We did so many fun things together . . . concerts, bike riding, hiking, movies, cuddling, trips to Catalina, San Francisco and my parents' house in the Midwest, kayaking, karaoke (which I had never done before I met him, now I can't wait to do it again), and so much more. I may have eventually tried sky diving, but who knows, maybe I'll do that with someone else some day. We met multiple members of each other's families and close friends, building up a shared social network. We talked, joked, and laughed. We counseled each other through the worries and doubts of life. We spoke every day, and I thoroughly enjoyed the opportunity to get to know another person so intimately.

In the end, I think what brought our relationship to a close was a discrepancy in our desires. I'm trying to move away from blaming my own actions or inactions. I realize that the most important part of a romantic relationship for me is companionship. When people refer to their significant other as their "best friend" or their "better half" . . . that's what I want more than anything. That's why I felt so fulfilled by my relationship, because I had that in spades. Ben, however, seems to desire more. To him that "spark," that "chemistry" is a necessary element. Perhaps it is my less sexual nature that makes it hard for me to grasp this. To me it seems that those types of passionate feelings, though great, are fleeting, often rooted in lust and are a poor substitute for true compatibility in the long run. They can ebb and flow, and sometimes are built up over time. Ben seems to feel that they are either there, or they aren't. He's not alone, after doing an internet search it seems to be pretty common for some people to treat chemistry as "all or nothing" and others to treat it as more of a process.

So once again I am troubled by my low sex drive. Though Ben claimed it wasn't an issue, I wonder whether our "chemistry" would have improved if I was more sexually driven. Oh well, back to the drawing board. Gotta play the best game you can with the cards you've been dealt.

As far as Ben is concerned, I look forward to the day when we can be friends. I don't know how long it is appropriate to wait before asking to meet up again. I'm thinking a month, just to give me time to flush as much bitterness and frustration out of myself as I can. I know this entry has a noticeably more positive tone to it then the last couple. Well, I'm sick of being angry. I don't want to harbor a grudge toward Ben. He did what he felt was best. Maybe he didn't do it in the best way he could have, but he's only human. He's a very caring person, and I know he would only hurt me if he felt like it was necessary to avoid greater hurt for both of us down the road. Who knows, maybe someday he will regret his decision. Maybe by chasing something elusive and intangible he is giving up something that could have been great. But if that's the case, there's only one way he'll learn that. If he'd stayed with me, he may have always had the discontent born from the feeling that he could have something better. It would have bred resentment.  I certainly didn't feel like I was "settling," but if he stayed with me maybe he would have felt that way.

As for me, I would love to think I can find that elusive passion as well. I'm not convinced that I'm wired for it, but who knows.

Against all odds

The slog continues. Ben's best friend and his husband (yep, a gay married couple, you would think Ben would have consulted them about his gay relationship troubles, but nope) had sent me a Christmas gift (so thoughtful!!), so I sent a Facebook message to thank them and wish them well. Surprisingly, Ben's friend didn't already know about the breakup. Well, he does now. You're welcome, Ben. One less awkward conversation you need to have. Don't worry, I didn't say anything judgmental, I just acknowledged that it's over and we hope to still be friends. I definitely have some things to work through first, though.

I can't help but ruminate about the relationship to try to figure out what made Ben fall out of love with me. Memories flood back of Ben calling me "a treasure" as we lay cuddled on his bed, of Ben's best friend messaging me and saying Ben was "so happy," of Ben saying in an online chat how I was so good to him and how he wanted to kiss me and hold my face. Impressive act he put on for someone with whom he supposedly had no chemistry. Yeah, I know I'm bitter about that whole "no chemistry" thing. Well, I think part of the problem was I had a different understanding of the word. To me, "chemistry" is when two people get along swimmingly, when they have a bunch of common interests and never run out of things to talk about, when they can make each other laugh and are comfortable around each other. To me that describes Ben and I quite accurately, so of course I was offended when Ben suggested he didn't feel it from the beginning. But I guess he was using the word more in the sense of a romantic "spark" (and you all know how I hate that word). That elusive spark is hard to ignite, and even harder to keep burning. The latter is where I fear I failed. I'm afraid I got lazy . . . complacent. Possible moments of guilt jump out of my memory like angry wasps from a burning nest. How poetic of me.

Let's see what Dictionary.com has to say about chemistry:

chem·is·try

  [kem-uh-stree]

noun, plural chem·is·tries.

1.

the science that deals with the composition and properties of substances and various elementary forms of matter. Compare element (  def 2 ) .

2.

chemical properties, reactions, phenomena, etc.: the chemistry of carbon.

3.

the interaction of one personality with another: The chemistry between him and his boss was all wrong.

4.

sympathetic understanding; rapport: the astonishing chemistry between the actors.

5.

any or all of the elements that make up something: the chemistry of love.

My understanding of chemistry between two people is usually a mixture of 3 and 4 above. But Ben must have been talking about # 5.

I guess I'm kind of feeling like its "me against all odds" right now. It takes me years to finally admit and accept my attractions to guys and start dating despite doubts about my sex drive, I find a guy that surpasses my expectations in every way, and he doesn't want me (or more like he doesn't want me, then he does, then he doesn't again). It takes me years to finally work up the interest, courage and self-confidence to apply to med school, and no school accepts me. And at the same time, I feel guilty for complaining about any of this, because I'm fortunate in so many ways its not even funny (that's the beauty of a blog, you can be as bitter as you wanna be).

I went browsing on OkCupid and Match, but it's waaaay too soon to do that without pain. I can't help but compare everyone to Ben. They don't fare very well. It is worrisome to me that I don't find many of the guys on there appealing. I ran into the same issue a year ago. One reason why Ben stood out so much. The old sex drive concerns are resurfacing again too. I felt really fortunate to find someone for whom my low drive was not an issue (allegedly at least . . . maybe it was?).

Not to say he's perfect (obviously, haha). But his imperfections just made him more attractive in my eyes (guess that's what love will do). Yeah, I said it to him many times but I'll finally declare it on this blog. I loved that guy!

Oh well. I'd better learn to unlove him real fast if a friendship is ever going to work. I've experienced a friendship with unrequited feelings before, and it was definitely an emotional strain. I spoke about it once or twice in this blog, but don't make me go look, haha. I'm friends with that guy now, but the feelings are long gone. Mostly because I learned the guy was a massive flake.

Hmm, there's an idea. What do you think? Should I focus on Ben's negative attributes (hasty decision-making, perhaps? ) in order to get over him and allow us to continue on as friends? I don't want to demonize him, of course. That would be quite counter-productive. I just want to emphasize his flaws so he does not seem like quite such an attractive partner. Because right now all I can think of him as is the most generous, optimistic, caring, friendly person I have ever known.

I'm a sap.