Bringin' on the heartbreak

Thursday night Ben gave me the talk. He broke up with me. I'm not letting him go just yet. I sent him an email just now explaining my side. I hope he takes it to heart and reads it with an open mind. I also shared this blog with him, including some posts I wanted him to read. Who knows, maybe he will read this entry.

Basically, he feels the chemistry is lacking between us. Back at the third date he apparently didn't feel chemistry (what the heck was I feeling then?) After the month in the friend zone his feelings changed, but I guess over the course of the relationship they waned again. He says we look good "on paper" and we're super compatible, but he just doesn't feel the "spark." (Goddamn that spark! Bane of my existence.) In the email I argued that what we have is rare and special, and that I feel he jumped the gun by breaking things off less than a week after he first informed me of this. Relationships take work after all. I feel he has unrealistic expectations (he wants to feel butterflies, etc). So basically he's throwing away a perfectly good, healthy relationship to go chase butterflies. Meanwhile, what we had is what truly lasting, fulfilling, long-term relationships are made of. 

On the way home from work last night I started sobbing uncontrollably. It happened again later that night. I haven't cried like that since I was a kid. I'm in that infamous place where everything reminds me of Ben. One glance at the framed picture of us in my room (that he got me for my birthday) and I was bawling like a baby.

I love his company so much, that in some twisted way I actually enjoyed the break up conversation . . . just because I was in his presence. And he was so considerate during it. At one point I said, "You probably don't want to talk about this anymore." His reply: "We can talk about this as long as you want." 

He said he wants to be friends, if that's okay. And of course I would like that. The thought of having him completely gone from my life is not pleasant. I just hope that I'll be strong enough when it comes to that. 

  

Asymmetry

"Ben and I have passed the eight month mark and things are better than ever." Wow, I feel like a total fool. Let me explain . . .

Last night Ben and his good friend went out with me, some of my friends, and a bunch of others to a theater performance. Ben had to hurry back after work, got stuck in traffic, and had very little time to eat before we left. They wouldn't let anyone in after 8, so it was a bit of a rush to get there on time. He got us there, but I noticed he seemed a bit nonchalant about the time crunch when we were getting ready to go, and his roommate and I practically had to drag him out the door because he wanted to finish cleaning up the dishes.

After the show I wanted to continue on to the restaurant that my friends were going to, but Ben was kind of tired. He suggested I could come back home with him and drive out in my own car to hang out, but I didn't really want to hang out with a bunch of friends and their significant others without mine present. I persuaded him to go at least for a bit, and his friend came too. We ended up having a good time, and after we left he went right to bed (he had work again this morning).

This morning he came back from his work assignment and we talked on the bed. I asked him what had been on his mind last night, just wanting to clarify what exactly had been wrong. Unexpectedly, what he had to say had less to do with last night and more with the relationship as a whole. He said that he feels I am more emotionally invested in the relationship than he is, and he's been feeling guilty about it recently. A couple days ago I did kind of pour my heart out to him about how lucky I felt to have him, and how I talk so positively about him on my blog. I have noticed he doesn't really spontaneously compliment me very much, but at this point I was just chalking it up to the way he is. As you know if you read this blog, there has long been a bit of a discrepancy in the amount of affection we show each other, with me showing much more to him. A while ago he claimed that was just the way he is, that it wasn't me, so I haven't worried about it excessively since then. This new revelation, however, has me reevaluating my entire perception. After our talk he had to leave for another work assignment, so I've just been at his house, ruminating.

He said he wants to give continuing the relationship a go to see how we do now that this is out in the open. I am conflicted about this. On the one hand, I like him so much and would of course like to stay with him. It concerns me, though, that his heart isn't fully in it. He says that we make a lot of intellectual sense. We are compatible in so many ways, some ways that seem pretty special. But I know that a romantic relationship cannot exist solely on what makes intellectual sense. He said he feels I deserve someone who can be as emotionally invested as I am. But I don't want him to break it off based on what he feels I deserve. I want him to break it off only if he feels its right for him.

So, I'm kind of at a fork in the road right now. Everything that seemed so good has just been flipped on its head. Ben's a great person, he makes me happy, and we both enjoy each other's company. However, I just don't see how he's magically going to develop more intense feelings for me if we just continue as we are (especially now that my old insecurities have come back with a vengeance). So part of me wonders whether I shouldn't just break it off now . . . if that's where it's going to end up eventually anyway. Is there any coming back from something like this? I thought I had won him over, but now I feel we're back to "boat without a rudder" (see our third date back in March if that doesn't ring a bell).

Lately I've been feeling so lucky to have someone so compatible intellectually, temperamentally, sexually . . . with similar values and interests. Someone I find attractive, I enjoy being with and talking to. Someone who gets along great with all of my family and friends. But without this intangible emotional investment, what good is any of that?

Now, he is still on the cusp of a major career transition and is still on shaky financial ground, so perhaps the associated stress has something to do with it. I don't know.

New friends

Another weekend almost over. Ben came down to my neck of the woods this time. I do wish we lived closer, but it's nice having weekends be so extra special.

Friday night we had dinner with my friend Tom. I love how well Ben gets along with my friends (and family for that matter). Afterward we went to a bakery and got a bunch of different flavors of macarons. They were very tasty.

Saturday we met up with a guy that I had been corresponding with for a couple months via email. He had messaged me on OKCupid, looking for new friends. He is in a long term relationship, so I figured it would be cool to meet him. The three of us had a great time. We had lunch at a really good little hole in the wall deli that Ben looked up on Yelp. Then we went out to fly Ben's aerobic kite at the park (unfortunately not enough wind). After that, our new friend's boyfriend got off of work so all four of us went to get frozen yogurt. They are really nice and friendly. It feels great to have another gay couple in the area as friends. Next time Ben is down in this area, our friend has invited us over so he can cook.

The rest of the weekend was pretty lazy. I dusted off the old Nintendo 64 so Ben and I could play Mario Kart. We also played Mario Party (brought back memories, haha) and today we turned to the Xbox 360 to play Left 4 Dead (a first-person zombie shooter game). Ben isn't much of a video game player, so I greatly appreciated playing games with him.

We also video chatted with Ben's teenage cousin and uncle today. This was my first time "meeting" them. They live on the east coast, and have offered us a place to stay whenever we visit the area.

Overall it was a great weekend. Ben and I have passed the eight month mark and things are better than ever. We had an amazing time just talking and joking. I feel so blessed to have him, and to have our families (for the most part) be so supportive of our relationship. Our new friends don't have it quite as lucky with their families, which I think is a huge shame.

Anyways, things are mostly good. Now once the two of us can get our careers in order we'll be right as rain.

Hurray for the world not ending!

Hey all! Glad we all survived the Mayan Apocalypse. The holidays are over. I'm at Ben's right now, typing out this entry on my shiny new IPad mini. I like it a lot, I'm pretty much glued to it, haha. Any recommendations for cool apps?

The downside of the holidays is that I had to spend two weeks apart from Ben. He went to visit his family on the east coast while my parents drove over from the Midwest to visit our family here on the west coast. I talked to Ben every day and video chatted several times. He also got to video chat with my family members, including my parents, cousins, uncle and aunt. The trip was fun, and relaxing. Work has been crazy hectic since I've been back, though. And I've been stressing about applications. They're not going so well. I may need to try again, which wouldn't be so bad if I didn't feel my twenties dwindling. My cousin just turned 30 on Christmas Day, which is pretty crazy to think about.

Reuniting with Ben on Friday night was great. Yesterday he finally got to meet a couple of my best friends whom he hadn't met yet. They are brothers, and I have known them since I was six years old. They are also Mormon, so it took me a while to tell them about Ben for fear of how they would react. However, they are totally cool with it, and they got along great with Ben. We went to the beach and flew a kite (something I hadn't done since I was a kid). It was a special fitness kite that Ben got for Christmas. Afterward we saw "Django Unchained." Overall a very fun day.

I had an interesting experience during the night. Around midnight I woke abruptly to Ben leaping out of bed and running out of his room. I was very confused, and thought I detected the ground shaking. I had no idea what was going on. I thought it was an earthquake, and Ben had just ditched me and run away. I lay in bed dumbstruck and a little frightened. After several moments, Ben returned. He asked me, "What just happened? I woke up in the hallway." It turns out it was a night terror. Ben has a history of sleepwalking, but this was the first time I experienced it firsthand. As for the shaking, I could not find any reports of an earthquake at that time. Perhaps I was disoriented, or the bed was shaking from Ben's sudden departure. Also, Ben's housemate told us this morning that she heard Ben scream. Anyways, now that I've experienced Ben having a night terror I'll know what to expect if it happens again.

Until next time!

Up date

Hello all!

Things are going pretty well. I'm feeling really bad for Ben right now. He's having some major money troubles as he is still in the middle of his career transition and is just working part time right now. I hate to see him having to worry about paying his rent on time and covering his bills. I really hope he gets a full time job soon.

I have to decide what to get him for Christmas. At the same time, I kind of don't want him spending money on me since he doesn't have much to spend.

Last weekend we watched a movie called "The Wedding Banquet." It is one of Ang Lee's early movies and like "Brokeback Mountain," is also about a gay couple. In this case it is an interracial gay couple, one Taiwanese and one white, who must pretend to be straight when the former's very traditional parents come visit. The son decides to marry his tenant, who is an artist in need of a green card, in order to get his parents off his back. Hi-jinks ensue. It was quite good, I recommend it.

I can't quite say the same about "The New Normal." I tried watching five minutes of it and got annoyed.

That's about it for now, just thought I'd write a quick update. Hope everyone is well!

Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I'm at my parents' house in the Midwest right now. It's been a great trip so far. Ben and my parents get along great. Yesterday we went out on the lake in my parents' pontoon boat, and both Ben and I got to steer. Tonight my parents will be having several friends over for dinner. Ben will no doubt be introduced as my "friend," which is fine.

I'm feeling a lot better about our relationship then when I last wrote. I had a little talk with Ben the other night before we left about the affection thing and my concerns. He said that he is generally rather low on the affection scale, that it has nothing to do with me in particular. At the same time, lately he seems to have been a bit more affectionate than usual, which I greatly appreciate. It's a matter of give and take.

I hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving with good food and good company. I am so thankful for my friends and family, and for my relationship with Ben. I am also thankful for this blog, and for all of my readers and your advice. Thank you all so much! I have grown so much as a person over this last year, and I look forward to the journey ahead!

Been Away Too Long

Hey all,

I'm still around. Just been really busy lately. I'm gearing up for my trip to the Midwest next week with Ben. We'll be flying out Tuesday and coming back Saturday. It will be the most time I've spent with him in the six months that we've been together, so I'm excited about that. Yep, six months! We celebrated earlier this month by going back to the place where we first met in Long Beach. We didn't go to the same bar though. Instead we ate dinner at a really good Mediterranean Place (one of my favorite types of food). We also walked around the waterfront for a while. It was beautiful, and romantic.

Things haven't been totally 100% perfect (are they ever?) Some of the initial magic has worn off as we've gotten to know each other more and more. Not to say we like each other less, I think we're just moving out of that initial "honey moon phase" after you first start a relationship. The imbalance in how we show affection is still a recurring issue, with me often feeling like he is not affectionate enough. I've noticed that he doesn't compliment me as much as he used to, even though I still try to compliment him on a regular basis. On the bright side, I still see Ben every weekend and greatly enjoy my time with him. He's getting more and more attractive since he's really gotten into working out since we started dating. We talk multiple times every day and it still makes me happy to look down at my buzzing phone and see his smiling face.

Ben is going through quite a lot of stress lately as he struggles to make ends meet with his part-time job while looking for full-time work. That may explain why he sometimes seems a bit standoffish. I have my own stresses to deal with as well, as I'm playing the waiting game while schools review my application materials.

The other day I heard from my best-gay-friend, aka YouTube Guy. He's thinking of proposing to his boyfriend! I'm not sure it's wise to move that fast (they've only been together for 8 months), but I'm happy that he seems to have gotten through his period of confusion.

In honor of the new Soundgarden album (their first in 15 years!!) Here is their first single. An appropriate title for this blog entry!