Let's see action

Well I've got a lot of catching up to do! It's been an eventful week. I'll get to what I teased about, don't worry (oh who am I kidding, you'll probably scroll down to that part, haha)

Last Thursday I went to see a performance of Spring Awakening with Janice. It's a rock musical based on a German play from the late 1800s. Music by Duncan Sheik of "Barely Breathing" fame. I really enjoyed it. I've been singing the songs ever since. Especially "The Bitch of Living." Except sometimes I change it to "The Bitch of Dating," haha. There's a small gay subplot in the play which is pretty cool, even though the audience treated it like comic relief (well, it kinda was played that way).

Last Friday I hung out with Tom. We went to get dinner and then played video games. I told him about Josh, and about how enjoyable the first date with him was. Tom is really cool about me talking about my dating exploits.

Saturday I went to my former roommate's daughter's 1st birthday party (well, barely made it before it ended, they ended early on account of the weather). It happened to be held near Howie and Adam's place, so I met up with them for dinner. This was the first time I'd seen them since the Queen Mary party. I asked them what they had thought of Brody (still haven't talked to him since that week). They said they didn't like him much. Talked about himself too much, and even interrupted other people to do so. I felt a little vindicated hearing that. Funny how surprised Brody was when I told him he tended to dominate conversations. Maybe I'm the only one who has had the balls to tell him. I'm going to an event put on by that LGBT group tomorrow. Hoping he won't be there so things don't get awkward.

Sunday I went out on a date with the guy I had previously referred to as the Japanese guy. Turns out he's Filipino, he just speaks Japanese and studied in Japan. Really nice guy and pretty cute. We ate at a Japanese place and he was impressed with how adventurous I was trying new things. He asked me to go kayaking with him tomorrow, so that's the plan.

I corresponded a bit with another blogger. He said something in an email which made me feel very good. He said that in the entries before Ben came into the picture, there was some kind of emptiness detectable. During my relationship with Ben that emptiness went away and I seemed to really start living my life. But here's the kicker . . . he said that Ben didn't take it with him when he left. After chatting with Janice I came up with a word for it . . . vitality. Ben brought a vitality to my life which wasn't there before, but it remains now that he's gone. So thanks fellow blogger Kevin for giving me that perspective!

Early part of the week was uneventful. I began to have a heartache relapse (yes, I would say my heartbreak can safely be downgraded to heartache now). Taking a walk helped calm my nerves, and I bought some novels for the first time in a long time to give me something to do when such a mood hits. I did some reading on attachment styles in relationships, which helped shed some light on my breakup for me. I think I may have exhibited a bit of an anxious attachment style in the relationship, with my tendency to give a lot of affection and craving for having it returned, as well as my tendency to worry about Ben's feelings for me (which he was able to calm most of the time, probably with lies in the latter months of our relationship). Ben, however, I think has a major case of an avoidant attachment style. He exhibits a lot of the signs: discomfort with showing affection, tendency to keep his feelings to himself, keeping his partner at arms length and having trouble opening up. Turns out those with anxious attachment styles are often attracted to those with avoidant attachment styles, but they can bring out the worst in each other. His avoidance just made me more anxious and possibly even made me come across as needy. The third attachment style is secure. I don't think my style is inherently anxious. I think if I was with a securely attached person I would be as well. Anyways, I think reading about this has helped me a bit since attachment style is pretty strongly rooted in one's personality, so there's not much I could have done. Ben's feelings would have run themselves into the ground regardless, and will likely continue to do so until he develops a more secure attachment style.

Alright, on to the good stuff.

Arranging a second date with Josh wasn't the easiest thing. His work schedule is crazy, and he often doesn't know whether he'll have the night off until the night before or even the day of. Tuesday was a possibility, but it didn't work out. Finally on Thursday he texted me while I was at work to see if I could meet up. He wanted to meet at a mall that was a tad far from me, but I'd never been there before so I agreed. The date pretty much followed the same format of our first. We met in the mall, ate dinner, talked a while, and then went to the car (his this time) to chat until I had to head home. Only this time . . .

We talked about all sorts of things during our conversation. Our types of guys, coming out experiences (he's not out to many, but his sister pretty much knows), working out (the guy is a health nut, and it shows), friendships, etc. He definitely started to test the walls of what I call the intimacy barrier. It started at dinner when he wanted to compare my hands to his. He tried to find a word to describe my hands besides "dainty." Didn't quite happen, haha. But he said I had artist's hands. "Guitarist's hands?" I asked. "No," he said. Ha ha.

Then in the car he was talking about how his ears were really sensitive. Pretty obvious invitation for me to test that, haha. He started kind of feeling my ear too, then massaging my scalp (I liked that), then putting his arm across my shoulders. Meanwhile I was extremely comfortable in his padded passenger seat. I oriented myself toward him and kind of rested my head on his arm. Before I knew it he was going for it. He made the first move and we were making out. This being only the second guy I have ever kissed, I was a bit cerebral about it, making sure to vary the tongue motions and direction of my head and all that. Just kind of following his lead. With my hands I massaged the back of his head and also took the opportunity to do a little feeling of the muscles in his arm and chest. We did that for a while, several times. Self-conscious as I am, I asked him with a smile how I am at kissing. He said I was good!

He told me he really enjoys talking to me, and also really enjoyed making out. He would definitely like to do that again (as would I). However, as he drove me back to my car he made it clear that he is not quite ready for a relationship. Even though he has experimented with guys before, he is only now seriously looking into gay dating and is still a bit on the fence. I told him I understood. Funny how I've opened up about that. Frankly, I'm not ready for a serious relationship either, and with the distance and hectic work schedule he has it wouldn't be very easy to do. A friend to try stuff with (especially one who's so hot!) could be just what I need right now. He's very sensitive about the possibility of leading me on. I told him that's why communication is very important. I told him that the reason I've been hurt in the past is because the other guy didn't do his job and communicate properly. I told him I'm cool with keeping things casual. I can tell this is a guy with good values, so I'm not too worried. I just really hope this doesn't end badly like it did with Ben. And Brody for that matter, even though that was just a friendship and never crossed the intimacy barrier.

So, I was pretty much on Cloud Nine driving back from that date. Now I can finally say that I've done something with someone other than Ben. I know I have to be careful not to get emotionally entangled, of course. I don't think I have to worry about that too much for the time being. I almost feel like I've caught a bit of the avoidant attachment. I really don't feel too much investment with Josh. I like him a lot, but I'm in no real hurry to see him again (though I'd certainly like to!) Guess I'm just keeping my expectations low. I just want to have some fun, get some experience, and get to know this guy.

Meanwhile I'll continue to date. I've temporarily suspended my OkCupid account. I'd like to say it's because I'm taking a break (and now that I have I am), but unfortunately the reason is less . . . deliberate.

I admit, in the last week I looked up Ben's profile. Since I've made his FB page off limits I think I wanted to use a different method to see if his rebound relationship has met its end yet (I think I wanted confirmation for my attachment theory). Then when it came up . . . I accidentally clicked where I shouldn't have and inadvertently opened the profile (I just wanted to see it in the search results). With horror I realized I was logged in, which meant he could see that I visited! So much for no contact since March! I immediately suspended my account, hoping it would nullify my appearance in his visitors list. Of course even if it did he probably got a notification email since we have such a high match percentage. Oh well. Punishment for my moment of weakness. So as penance I'm staying off OkCupid for the rest of the week. I have two dates lined up for the weekend anyway (kayaking with the Filipino guy from last weekend, and meeting up with the other Filipino guy, haha).

Phew! So the up and down continues. The healing continues. Despite my one little lapse I feel like I made several breakthroughs this week. I came up with a new way of thinking about the break up which further removes the blame from my shoulders (i.e., there's nothing I could have done, he's emotionally hardwired to have trouble with relationships) and had an intimate experience with a new sexy guy. Yay!

A little teaser

Hello all,

Well it's really late and I need to get to bed.

But I can't go to sleep without leaving a little hint of what my next entry will be about . . .

I may have just made out with somebody . . .

Stay tuned ;-P

Potential

Tuesday night I went on a date with the guy I referred to as the buff nerd in the last entry. He's pretty much exactly that! He described himself on his profile as a nerd trapped in an athlete's body. He lives somewhat far from me (though I've met people from farther), so we met in the middle. We met at a shopping mall, and the first thing we did was browse a comic book store and talk about how we both used to watch the Spider-man animated series. We walked and talked for a while and eventually made our way to Chili's. We stayed there for several hours, finishing our food and talking until almost closing time. I ended up being way more open about my experiences than I was expecting to be. Turns out this guy (let's christen him Josh) is pretty much just starting out in the gay dating scene, much as I did a year and a half ago. Although he does have a lot more experience than me in fooling around with guys. One unfortunate fact: his family is deeply religious and quite homophobic, so he is not out to any of them. Sounds like he's a bit on the fence about whether he is bi or gay (damn it . . . not sure I want to get involved with another one of those at this point). He does sound quite curious to give a relationship with a guy a go. He seemed a bit worried about getting his heartbroken, but I told him that that's the risk you have to take if you want to experience the joys of a relationship (I even used my example from the Oz movie, he liked that, haha).

I really had a great time with him. Unlike some of the dates with Brody, I actually felt engaged in the conversation the whole time and didn't feel like the other guy was dominating it. After we left the restaurant we went and sat in my car in the parking lot for a while (at Josh's suggestion) to talk more. I kept marveling at how hot his physique is (what can I say, I have a thing for muscles, haha). He even got a little affectionate with me, giving me a flirtatious joking punch at one point, and giving me a big hug before we parted ways. We didn't do more, because earlier he had talked about how every guy he has gone out with seemed to expect action on the first date (at the very least making out), and I had told him I wasn't like that. Would have been a bit hypocritical of me, no? Ha ha. But the thought did cross my mind!

He also said that he is open to casual play with trusted friends. Which has never been my style but I'm a little bit tempted if it were to come to that, haha. That way I could potentially fool around with him even if we just ended up as friends. I really want to expand my experience beyond the one person I've done anything with, but not being into casual one-night stand hookups it's not as easy for me as it might be for some. We'll see what happens. But that was hands down one of my most enjoyable first-date experiences.

There are obviously reasons to be cautious about this guy. I'm very hesitant to get involved with another person who isn't sure about their orientation or what direction they want to go. But I still think "go with the flow" is the best philosophy to have, so I'm not going to over-think things or get ahead of myself.

I also had lunch with a new friend from the LGBT social group. He had expressed interest in my story so I met up with him to talk. His story was very interesting too. full of a lot more homophobia and relationship drama than mine has.  It always reminds me to count my blessings when I hear about some of the situations that others have had to go through.

It will be a while before I can meet up with Nick again. Although I did have a brief text conversation with him last night. He is indeed super busy until his finals are over, but he said he hopes we can hang out after.

It's nice having two guys that I'm interested in! That hasn't happened since . . . well since the very beginning of this grand adventure, haha. February 2012 if I'm not mistaken. Oh and I did get a text from Alex the other day, asking me if I was going to LA Pride. I'm not planning to, but it was nice of him to check in with me. I thought he had pretty much written me off. I still don't think he is interested, but I like him and would like to be friends.

That's it for now!

Are you a good witch or a bad witch?

How's it going, all? I'm alright. My cousin Brad and his girlfriend came down this weekend. They were staying an hour and a half away with friends, so I only got to see them briefly for dinner last night when they were in the area, but it was very nice. We chatted about a lot. His girlfriend's recent graduation and first job, his job and future plans, my ever-shifting career plans, my ongoing healing process, my dating, politics, family, etc. It was a nice time. Brad is the cousin that I'm arguably closest with even though the age difference is greatest between us. We are the most similar intellectually, and to some extent emotionally (well, he's nowhere near as anxiety-prone or obsessive as I am, haha).

Today I just kind of relaxed and gave myself some me-time. No new dates since last weekend, but I am in communication with a couple of guys that I hope to meet up with over the next week or so. I still have an interest in Nick, but I haven't met up with him for the third time yet. He's pretty busy right now, as he is approaching his first finals week as a graduate student. I did call him up on Thursday night and talked to him for a half an hour, so that was nice. I'm waiting for him to contact me next, I do not want to scare him away by being too forward.

Today I went to a local discount theater for the first time and watched Oz the Great and Powerful, since I've been wanting to see it. I'm glad I did. I enjoyed it, and it had some themes that resonated. (SPOILER ALERT if you care)

The relationship between Oz and Theodora had some personal relevance. Theodora is heartbroken when her affections for Oz are not returned and she is led to believe that he is pursuing Glinda. Rather than face her  pain and work through it, she opts for the easy way out and accepts a magical apple from the evil Evanora that removes the goodness in her heart. The moral: having emotions is a double edged sword. The same emotions that give us such joy when we experience a loving relationship with someone can be turned against us when that someone rejects us. However, that's the price we pay, and the alternative would be to give up our humanity.

I admit, I am still pretty torn up about Daniel Newguy being in the picture with Ben, though it's been a month since I found out (I added Ben to my restricted friends list on FB by the way, so I don't have to worry about him "liking" any more of my posts, or even being able to see them). I think part of what I was using to make myself feel better after the breakup was the idea that Ben really did need to be with a woman to feel fulfilled in a romantic relationship. Then he ended up with another guy within 2-3 months. It doesn't feel so hot to be so easily replaceable, let me tell you. So the only consolation I have to hold onto is the assumption that it's a rebound, plain and simple, and that Ben is a major commitmentphobe. I'm still working on forgiveness. Still trying to be more like Glinda the Good Witch and not the vindictive Wicked Witch, haha.

As for Brody, I haven't heard anything from him since he texted me a week ago last Friday. I think he's gotten the message. I do feel bad that the friendship has gone south, but that really was his doing. He crossed a major line by speaking to me so harshly and insulting me, by attacking me for opening up to him. I did apologize for inadvertently hurting him, but he hasn't come forward and apologized for directing the words "appalling" and "abnormal" at me and my behavior. And friendship is not going to happen until he does. If he contacts me again I will tell him this.

In a nutshell here's the update on the guys of my life, past and present.
Ben: Still on the rebound as far as I know, still occupying way more mental space than I would like (including a dream last night where I spoke to his roommate about him, weird, haha). Still haven't spoken to him since February, haven't emailed since March. What would be the point. Nothing emerges from opening that door except sharp objects. And my heart is a magnet.
Brody: Uncharacteristically distant, probably pissed at me.
Nick: Tangled up in his studies, but still presumably interested in getting to know me.
In the works: a buff nerdy guy, a Filipino guy, and a Japanese guy.

Stay tuned.

Memorial Day Weekend

I'm spending Memorial Day Weekend up at my cousin Roger's place in Los Angeles.

Thursday I got an unexpected invitation to come up to LA with a friend and see Queens of the Stone Age in concert. I hadn't seen them yet, so that was a great treat. The venue was located very close to where Ben lives, and that put me a little bit on edge. I hadn't seen this friend since coming out (though he has known for a while, he's Janice's brother), so I told him a bit about my relationship and its end. As with everyone I asked him his opinion about "spark" and "chemistry." I really should stop dwelling on it.

Friday I hung out with Tom and played some video games. I feel so much more comfortable and natural around him than I used to. Part of that is because of the great friend he has been since my breakup. Part of it is the maturation that he has gone through in his personality over the past couple years. And I think part of it is Brody . . . the situation with him makes me appreciate Tom so much more, haha. Like Brody, Tom is relatively emotionally needy and insecure. BUT, he is a lot more respectful of boundaries. I can't imagine him talking to me the way Brody did.

Yep, I'm still pissed about it. Brody has texted me a couple times throughout the week. I've kept it short and straightforward, just answering questions. I think he's likely getting the message, though I know he has family visiting so that has likely kept him fairly occupied. I'll have to decide when and whether to meet up with him again.

Saturday I drove up here to LA and had a lunch date with a new guy, a medical student. He was really nice and quite good looking. He lives quite far from me, and he only has one year left in LA before he starts residency somewhere, so I don't think I'll pursue anything beyond friendship with him. Still I would like to get to know him better. Like me, he was a bit of a "late bloomer" to the whole coming out and dating thing. He's been out for 2 years. He suggested we hang out again next time I'm in LA. After the date I went to a movie theater in Hollywood to see Star Trek with Roger and Lance. It was good! Then we walked up and down Hollywood Boulevard for a couple hours, which I always enjoy doing.

Sunday (today) was another lunch date, this one with a pretty good looking and fit Latino guy. He seems really nice, though I didn't feel we had quite as much in common as the med student and I did. After that I met up with some friends and explored the neighborhoods of Los Feliz and Silverlake. My one friend is a gay guy that I met through a college friend a couple months ago. He's from France and is very nice. Kind of cute but I'm not sure he's my type. Plus he doesn't have a car, haha. After we parted ways (he had errands to do), I headed back toward my cousin's house. On my way through Silverlake I spotted the bar Akbar, which I knew was a gay bar (the rainbow flag confirmed this). I passed it and continued on somewhat conflicted before finally deciding to turn around and grab a drink there. It was a fairly cool bar. Some cute guys, especially one couple I saw. It's always awkward drinking alone in a bar so after I finished my drink and felt satisfied that I had experienced the bar's atmosphere I left to head back to Roger's. I sent Nick a text message to see how his weekend is going (he's visiting Arizona). He replied to say he was having a lot of fun and asked how LA was. He comes back tomorrow. I'd like to see him again this week, though I'd kind of like him to initiate this one.

No solid plans for my day off yet. The Latino guy mentioned the possibility of going on a hike after he gets off work before I go back home, so I'll see if he contacts me.

We'll have a gay ol' time

I had a very eventful weekend. Be warned, you might want to break this entry up into several sittings! Ha ha.

Friday night
I attended an LGBT group that my friend Adam invited me to. Adam is the boyfriend of Howie, who I met back in January. It was fun. I met a bunch of nice people. All of the cute guys were taken though :-) One of the leaders of the group was a really friendly guy who seems very interested to hear my coming out story (I mentioned to him that I just came out over the last year). I invited Brody to go to the group as well, and I think he also enjoyed himself. Everyone was asking us if we were a couple. After dinner the group went bowling. Brody and I tagged along but didn't bowl. At one point I was chatting with someone and got into a conversation about my break-up. Realizing I hadn't shared the latest with Brody, I told him about the whole Facebook relationship status thing with Ben, and how I only checked his profile because he had "liked" things on my page. Brody was convinced that Ben had done it on purpose to lure me to his page, but I disagreed. Ben is mixed-up and anxiety-prone, but he's not malicious.

This wasn't the only disagreement with Brody that night. He was also annoyed at me for seemingly ducking him for the past week. He had texted me earlier in the week to have dinner one night. I had already made plans for almost every night (which doesn't happen that often), so I said possibly Thursday before I met up with another friend for drinks. When Thursday came and that friend had to cancel, I let Brody know that I had more time now. He didn't get back to me until late, so we ended up talking for an hour on the phone instead. Well, mostly he talked and I listened. A lot of the conversation was about a medical condition of his, and I understand it has him worried and he needed to talk it out with someone, so I listened. But by the end of the hour I was getting antsy to get off the phone (I'm really only a fan of lengthy phone conversations if it's someone I haven't talked to in a while or a significant other). I finally had to excuse myself when I detected a pause.

Saturday night
I attended a dance party in Long Beach, on the Queen Mary (an old cruise ship that is now permanently docked and acts as a hotel, museum and event venue). The party was in honor of Long Beach Pride, and I found out about it a month or so ago through Groupon. I thought it would be a fun way to have a good time with some of my new gay friends. I drove up with Brody. Howie and Adam drove separately, since Howie had to work early the next morning. Also joining us was the quiet guy I went out with back in February, as mentioned here. Turns out he already knows Howie. The night started out well. We met at the Pike (good old Pike . . . place where I met you-know-who . . . but the more I go there and form new memories the more the spell is broken) and had dinner. Then we went over to the ship around 11. I got confused coming out of the parking structure and misdirected Brody. We got lost for a while until his GPS got us back on track. Finally we made it to the boat. We went up to the top deck where the party was . . . and waited at least 30 minutes to get drinks. It was insane! It wasn't even the only bar either! They didn't have enough bartenders, and what bartenders they did have were horribly inefficient. While in line I glanced over and saw a pretty cute guy also waiting.
After we FINALLY got our drinks, Brody and I went to find the rest of our group. We stood by the rail to start drinking. I needed to finish one of the cups in my hand so I could text Howie and locate him (he's tall, so I was hoping I could pick him out of the crowd, but no such luck.) To my right was the cute guy from the drink line. Feeling brave, I decided to strike up a conversation, especially since we already had that interminable line experience in common. It ended up being a great idea. He was a visitor from out of town who had come to the party alone to give himself something to do. We chatted for a while, I introduced him to Brody, and then Howie came and found us. I invited the out-of-towner to join our group, and the six of us had our little dance circle for the rest of the night. The guy stood by me the whole time, and neither of us were shy about putting our hands on each other when we wanted to say something.
Howie, Adam and the quiet guy ended up staying for almost the whole night (I found out later that Howie didn't even bother to go to bed before going to work, what a trooper! Ha ha). Brody and I gave my new friend a ride back to his hotel and added him on Facebook so we could share the pictures that were taken. He said that he would let us know the next time he was in California.

This is where the night took a turn for the worse. To inform Brody of how I knew the quiet guy, I began to explain how he was the first guy I went on a date with after my break-up. No sooner had the words left my lips that Brody turned on me. He chewed me out for always talking about my break-up, and said that he was at his wit's end. He said he was "appalled" that I told him about the Ben Facebook situation at the social event on Friday, and then didn't listen to his advice when he gave it. He claimed his advice was ignored, going in one ear and out the other. He also said that my fixation on Ben was "abnormal." I experienced an emotion I have not felt in a LONG time, not even during my phone argument with Ben. I was so angry I was literally shaking. I told him that I had not ignored his advice, that I had listened to every word. However, I simply disagreed with his opinion that Ben was maliciously trying to make me jealous. I told him that I valued his opinion, but I was in no way obligated to take it as gospel. His response? He claimed that his advice was better than anyone else's, because he has a network of older gay friends that he consults. He claimed that the kind of behavior that Ben supposedly exhibited was par for the course for gay men. Talk about generalizing! I could not believe his pretentiousness. Echos of Ben's "reinventing the wheel" lecture came back to me. "Here's the thing, Cal, I know these things. I have the experience! Blah blah blah!" I also told him that many other people had complimented me on how I was handling the break up, and that I myself felt I was doing pretty fucking fine, thank you very much! That is the first time I can think of that I've EVER cussed during an argument with someone.

I realized that now was the time I needed to broach the subject, the elephant in the room. I asked Brody what the nature of his feelings were for me. He responded that he had indeed had feelings for me, but those feelings had been quelled by my incessant talking about my break-up. I realized that in my mind I had placed Brody in "the friend zone" and thus had felt comfortable talking with him about my situation. It hadn't occurred to me that he might not be the best person to talk about this with in depth.

I felt remorseful that I had hurt him, but at the same time I was still furious about his behavior. On top of all that, he accused me of ducking him the last week, as if we had some kind of standing appointment to hang out! Apparently since we had hung out 1-2 times a week before that, I was expected to continue, and he was hurt that he felt like a "back-up." At this point it was really hitting home for me that our expectations for our friendship are waaay out of whack.

By the time we reached my house we had both calmed down. I tried my best to explain my perspective. I also told him about how I feel that he tends to dominate conversations. He was shocked . . . apparently no one has told him that before. Although he did say that the other night he could tell I wanted to get off the phone but he wanted to keep talking, so he just kept coming up with more to say! I also told him that I absolutely despise being judged or condescended to. I told him if he ever uses that tone with me again I will be running the other way. At one point he started complimenting me, telling me how he had raved about me to his friends and family back home. He had me in tears at one point. I also told him that, since he first met me while I was in the midst of healing from my break-up, that of course he had a negative impression of Ben. What, would I have spent my time telling him about all the good times of our relationship? I realize now I shouldn't have talked about it as much as I did, but damn!

Well it was 4:30 by that point, and I had a hiking date with Nick the next day! So I hit the hay, and tried not to ruminate too much about Brody. He wanted to have dinner the next day, so I said okay . . . thinking it would be an opportunity to see how our "discussion" affected our friendship.

Sunday
Luckily, Nick also had a late night. In fact, he had an even later night than me! He had gone to a party and hadn't left until 6 AM (with some napping mixed in there). I drove to his place and we drove down to the beach to go walking. I like this guy! We have good rapport, he has a good sense of humor, and he's really cute. Plus he's smart and into science. We are also quite different though. He's from the Midwest, and he has a lot of stereotypically masculine hobbies like hunting, fishing, and camping. But he also likes movies and music (though his favorite genre is country, we have some overlap in rock). One thing that would normally be a red flag: I saw a pack of cigarettes in his car. But I don't know, I didn't smell it on him or in his car, so it might just be an occasional thing or he might be trying to quit. I'll reserve judgment there. In any case, we had a fun walk and then went and got food at a place that I knew from a previous date. While sitting across from him I noticed that his eyes are a really beautiful shade of blue, so I complimented him on it. A first for me on a date, haha.

After lunch we drove back to his place and talked in the car for a while. I said we should hang out again soon, and he said he'd like that. No text from him immediately after like on the first date, but that's more of a first date thing, really. Down side is I'm not sure whether he's still interested or if I did/said anything to throw up red flags for him. I did tell him that I just came out over the last year, and that I've had one relationship of eight months (but didn't tell him when it ended). He's been out since seventeen. He actually said that politically he leans to the right, but I assume that's more on the fiscal side of things. I consider myself moderate so that's no deal breaker by any means, as long as he's not a tea partier, haha.

My current plan is to hang out with him again. I plan to go up to LA this weekend though and have plans every night during the latter half of the week, so it will have to wait until next week. I've kind of been slacking on setting up other dates, so he's really my only prospect right now (well except for the far-away guy that texts me periodically . . . he's very interested but I can't say I feel the same, especially now that I remember what it's supposed to feel like when you're interested, haha).

The last event of Sunday: dinner with Brody. I can't say I was feeling very enthusiastic. Our conversation was pleasant, and did feel a bit more reciprocal. I'm not sure if it was a conscious effort on his part or not. Then after dinner he asked what night during the week I might have free. I told him I didn't know, I'd have to check my calendar. Inside I'm thinking really Brody? We just saw each other Friday, Saturday and Sunday. And you acted like an ass to me Saturday night.

I have two options to move forward with Brody.
1) Have a talk with him like I did with my friend Tom way back when. Explain to him that the friendship dynamic is feeling lopsided and I need him to tone it down. I'll ask for a bit of a break from hanging out, and when we resume make it more like once a week, tops. Tom was very understanding when I had such a talk with him, but Brody has the added complication of being gay and likely having some lingering feelings for me. He's at least using me to fill some of his emotional needs. What he really needs are more friends. Or a boyfriend.

2) I can do something I haven't had to do since middle school . . . cut off the friendship. This could get ugly, and would definitely hurt him. But if the friendship is an emotional drain at best, and makes me angry/sad at worst, I've got to do something.

I think Option 1 is feasible. I do like Brody. He's a nice guy, if a bit odd. If I can get him to accept giving me a bit more space, we could perhaps make this work. I'm not sure.

Phew! If you've read this far I congratulate you! And I have even more to talk about, but I'll save it for another time. Good night!

New prospect perhaps?

Hi all!

I'm in a pretty good mood right now. I had a first date with a new guy tonight and it went really well. We talked for three hours. He's really cute and nice (one of the most attractive guys I've gone out with), great sense of humor, smart, lives close by, and shares some interests with me. He also seems interested in me, as he was the one to make first contact afterward (he texted me to say he hopes we can hang out again sometime). I have a feeling this isn't the last time I'll be writing about him, so I'll assign him a name. Let's call him Nick. He's only been living in SoCal since the fall, so there's still a lot he has yet to do or see. Perhaps I can be the one to show him around? :-)