To boldly go

I've never been much of a Star Trek fan (I was more into Star Wars . . . at least until those horrible prequels), but strangely enough two Star Trek related items are on my mind today.

First of all, as many of you probably already know, Zachary Quinto came out recently. He's most known for two roles: the villainous Sylar on Heroes and Spock in the Star Trek reboot. I actually first saw him on 24, where he played a CTU programmer (I think his name was Adam). His latest roles are in the movie Margin Call and the TV show American Horror Story, neither of which I have seen yet. I'm glad that he's decided to live openly. I know the decision to do so can have big career repercussions for actors. I guess it was the news of another gay kid committing suicide that convinced him it was the right thing to do.

The other thing is a fan-made Star Trek production called "Blood and Fire." It apparently is a continuation of the original series with new actors cast as Kirk, Spock, etc. Featured is Captain Kirk's nephew, Peter Kirk, who is gay and in a relationship with another member of the Enterprise crew. The only scene I've seen involves the two of them. It is a fairly long scene of the two of them in Peter's quarters, getting rather intimate (with most of their clothes on, though Peter manages to lose his shirt). I was reading a discussion board about the episode on the website of the creators, it was pretty interesting. There was a lot of Star Trek fans who were upset by that scene. Some just because of it's length and the effect on the pacing of the episode, but quite a few because of its very presence. Some complained that it represented catering to the "gay agenda" (oh how I despise that term). A couple of people complained about not being able to let their kids watch the episode (granted, apparently there's also some rather scary, violent scenes later on, but they were at least partially talking about the gay love scene). This of course began to degenerate into a discussion about the morality of homosexuality in general, which caused one of the creators to start threatening to ban people.

The internet is a breeding ground for such heated arguing and hateful rhetoric. I seem to have a compulsion to read the comments section on articles about controversial topics, especially gay rights. I almost always end up angry/sad at some of the ignorant, hateful things that some people say. Of course, there are usually more logical, compassionate people chiming in as well. However, even some usually logical people can have some pretty ridiculous beliefs and misunderstandings about homosexuality.

Case in point: I was talking to one of my best friends the other day, and the subject of gay rights came up when we were talking about the Republican candidates. He expressed his opinion that gay people shouldn't be able to get married, because gay people raising children would propagate homosexuality. I tried to explain to him that studies suggest that children of gay parents are no more likely than children of straight parents to be gay, but he was skeptical. Bah. Of course, I do realize that not everyone has put as much deep thinking into the subject as I have (for obvious reasons). Still, there's still so much misinformation out there that people are clinging to! If gay parents turn their kids gay, how come not all children of straight parents are straight?

Mom's visit

My mom flew in from the mid-west for the week. She's staying with my sister about an hour away. I spent the weekend with her, we went down to San Diego for a family event down there. The event started early this morning, so we got a hotel room for Saturday night. I took the opportunity to have some rather deep discussions with her, including probably the most involved discussion I've had about my sexuality issues. I talked about how her reaction several years ago had made me feel like she was uncomfortable with me approaching her with the topic. She responded that it was only because she didn't know what it was like to be in my shoes. I replied that I didn't expect her to be able to empathize or give advice, I really only wanted her to listen and offer her perspective if she had one. I asked her what would happen if it turned out I was gay. She admitted that she really would like a daughter-in-law and more grandchildren, but she stressed that if that wasn't in the cards than that's the way it is. She was supportive when I said that I was learning not to try to plan out my whole life in advance, that I had to look at my future with a bit more flexibility. She agreed that was a good idea. She also reiterated what she'd told me before over the phone: that she was confident my father would still love me and support me regardless (despite his far-right politics). Overall the conversation made me feel SO much better about her feelings on the issue. I even (rather boldly) mentioned a particular guy I had noticed at lunch. She said that she had thought he was attractive too! So there you have it, I bonded with my mom over our appreciation of a hot guy. Oh my God.

In other news, the visit with the urologist last week went well. For one thing, he was really attractive, a real Dr. McSexy, MD (to borrow a term from my favorite TV show, Supernatural, and its fictional parody of Grey's Anatomy). He told me that my testosterone levels are on the low side of normal, especially for someone my age, and suggested I might try supplementation for a while to see if that has any effect on my libido. I'm still not sure how much of my issue is psychological and how much might be biological/hormonal, but I figured I would give it a try. He gave me a sample of this gel that I have to rub on my shoulders every morning. I was hoping I could do this completely discreetly, but apparently it has a (fairly pleasant) fragrance to it that a couple of people have picked up on. So if anyone asks . . . it's cologne.

My gosh, life is weird sometimes.

50/50

A duel post tonight. Now that I got the political rant out of my system, onto lighter fare.

I saw the movie "50/50" earlier tonight. I went with my friend "Janice." We had dinner first. Didn't talk about my issues too much, but she did ask how counseling was going. I told her about the Chicago trip (though I didn't quite make it to the Boystown excursion in my story, maybe next time).

The movie was good. Funny at parts, but also really emotional. Joseph Gordon Levitt was quite attractive in the movie. I really like him as an actor, he's come a long way since "3rd Rock from the Sun." I thought Anna Kendrick was really cute too. Liking her character so much just made me feel confused again.

I'm going to the doctor tomorrow. It's a urologist that another doctor recommended I see about my low sex drive. I always figured I'd go to see a endocrinologist about my sex drive, but apparently this guy covers that kind of thing too. At this point I don't know whether or not to believe my issue has a physical component or if it's all psychological. Hopefully the answer will be more clear soon. I just wish I'd gotten myself to do this a long time ago. Not that I'm expecting any miracles.

In other news I tried messaging the Facebook acquaintance again, since it had been a while since the last time I tried. He got back to me and apologized for forgetting to respond before. He said he's been busy moving and looking for a job. He asked when I'm available so I gave him some days. Hopefully he comes through this time. And if he can't, I hope he tells me instead of leaving me hanging.

Rant

I hate politics in this country.

It depresses me reading about the candidates for the Republican presidential nomination and how they lack manners (Rick Perry repeatedly interrupting Mitt Romney at the debate), critical thinking skills (Rick Santorum and his DADT repeal = social experimentation nonsense) and contact with reality (Michelle Bachmann . . . enough said).

It angers me to read the latest quote from Glenn Beck, claiming that the Occupy Wall Street protesters would, if given the chance, drag capitalists out into the street and murder them. Not to mention the back and forth between rightwing and leftwing media figures. I can almost hear them now:

"The OWS movement is the leftwing version of the Tea Party!"

"Nuh uh! Is not! The Tea Party are true patriots! The OWS protestors are dangerous, criminal, Marxist radicals!"

"Shut up, you're stupid! OWS represents real Americans, the Tea Party are racist, bigoted rednecks who want to line the pockets of the top 1%!"

"Blah blah blah!"

"Blah blah blah!"

Human beings are capable of such great things. And humanity has come so far during it's relatively brief time occupying this planet. But imagine how much greater we might be were it not for our tendency to hate each other. To be intolerant of those that are different. To refuse compromise. To close our minds to other points of view and press our beliefs on others. To use arguments based on emotional manipulation instead of logic and reason.

I don't want to despise the Republican party. Nearly everyone in my family is Republican, and I am sympathetic to some of their values, such as personal and fiscal responsibility. But when some of the most influential and vocal members of the party proudly exhibit what I consider some of the most frustrating and destructive weaknesses of humanity . . . well I really can't see myself supporting any of them, that's for sure.

But what does that mean instead? Voting for Obama again? I think I'd have an easier time telling my dad I'm gay or bisexual than I would telling him I voted for Obama's reelection. It's not enough to just say he's Republican. He's attended two tea party rallies and is a fan of such media figures as Glenn Beck, Ann Coulter, and Rush Limbaugh. He also was a believer in the "birther" conspiracy that claimed Obama was born in Kenya and had covered it up. He has described Obama as "evil" on multiple occasions.

I think I'll be trying my hardest to avoid talking politics with my father come Thanksgiving.

Weekend in the Windy City

Not long after I started my new position, an opportunity came up for a training workshop in Chicago. Chicago happened to top the list of U.S. cities I hadn't been to that I wanted to visit, so I jumped at the chance. I just got back today. The meeting was yesterday and today, but I flew out on Friday to have a couple extra days to see the city.

I had a great time. Explored Millennium Park and saw the Cloud Gate (the big reflective bean-shaped structure from the end of "Source Code"). Rented a bike and rode along Lake Michigan (so huge, it looks like the ocean). Randomly came upon a bookstore where Jane Lynch (of Glee fame) was signing books (the line was too long, but I did catch a glimpse of her through the window). Saw sketch comedy and the Second City theater and improvisational comedy (my favorite kind) at the Improv Olympic Theater.

But the most interesting thing I did? Well . . .

I had heard from a friend that went to school in Chicago that his former community, Lakeview, was a nice area to visit. He also mentioned that there were a number of gay bars in the neighborhood (as in, be careful what bar you go into). I looked up Lakeview on the internet and discovered that a region of it, specifically that bordered by Halsted, Broadway, and Belmont Streets, is known as Boystown, and is the city's primary gay district. It turned out that one of the closest subway stops, the Addison stop of the Red Line, was also the stop for the Improv Olympic theater. So before the show on Saturday night, I ended up walking down Halsted Street to survey the area. I went into a little store called Gay Mart, which strangely seems to primarily sell comic book character action figures. I browsed around for a bit, and since I didn't spontaneously burst into flames or anything I decided to continue my exploration. I visited The Center on Halsted, which is a community center geared to the LGBT community (but open to anyone). It's connected to a Whole Foods, so I got dinner there and ate it in the Center's dining area while reading a copy of The Windy City Times, a LGBT newspaper.

THEN, I decided to do the unthinkable. I went into Roscoe's, a real life gay bar. And I ordered a drink. And I drank it. In the gay bar.

I didn't talk to anyone, I just sort of walked around, exploring the place, then quietly finished my drink before heading for the show. But still, wow.

And after the show? I went back. Because it was still relatively early, and I figured, what the hell. I got another drink, and this time the place was packed. There seemed to be a mix of gay and straight people, which somehow made me feel better. It was still awkward, but this time someone noticed me. Two guys who were together walked by me. One grabbed my arm and gave it a squeeze. The next guy ran a finger down my sideburn and gave me a thumbs up as he walked away. Not sure if he was being sarcastic or not (my sideburns are kind of long right now). Whatever he meant, it made me a bit self-conscious, haha.

To distract myself from the awkwardness, I watched the music video playing on the screen up and to the left of me. An older guy walked in front of me, and out of the corner of my eye I could see him look at me. I continued to look at the screen. He looked again. And again. Then he touched my shoulder to get my attention and asked, "What are you looking at?" with a smile. Embarrassed (and caught in my lame attempt to avoid his gaze), I mumbled "the screen" and pointed at the TV. He chuckled and walked away. Um, yeah. Anyways, I had achieved my goal of setting foot in a gay bar. So the next goal would be talking to someone in one (that didn't count).

Monday night was my last night in Chicago. There was a dinner for the meeting, which got out at 9 PM. Since the night was still young, I decided to visit Roscoe's one more time. My subway pass had expired, and the machines don't give change, so I had to walk around the downtown area to find an open store and break my $20. By the time I got back to the subway, it was getting late and I was having second thoughts about whether it was worth it to go all the way back up to Lakeview at this time of night. I didn't know whether there'd be many people out and about, being a weekday night, and I was concerned about safety. In the end, I decided to at least go for it, and turn around if at any point I felt unsafe.

When I got to Roscoe's, I was pleased to hear the sound of live music. I LOVE live music. And it was ROCK MUSIC! And it was a QUEEN song!!! Specifically, "Fat Bottomed Girls." As it turns out, Monday nights at Roscoe's are Live Band Karaoke nights. Which means, a live band provides the music and you go up and sing the song. A bar near where I live does something similar, but I hadn't had a chance to go yet. So finally I got to see what Live Band Karaoke was like. I checked out the band's list, and it was amazing. I looked for a song that I'd be confident enough to sing (considering "Hunger Strike" by Temple of the Dog, or something by Pearl Jam or STP, yep I love me some grunge), but in the end I couldn't get myself to do it. It took enough nerve just stepping into that bar.

However, a couple of guys had seen me studying the list. One of them was a really good looking guy who had done "Brown Eyed Girl" earlier. The other, I believe, was his brother (if I had overheard correctly). They asked me what I was singing, and joked that because I had looked at the list I was obligated to sing. The cute one added, "Or you'll be shunned, you'll be exiled." Seeing this as an opportunity to open up conversation, I responded, "Well, I'm leaving Chicago tomorrow so I guess that doesn't matter." He said, "Oh, me too!" High five. Turns out he was from Texas, and was in town to run in the Chicago marathon. I asked him how that was, and he said "Crazy, worse than crazy." Then he resumed his conversation with his brother and some other people.

Later on this creepy older guy started going around to different guys in the bar and getting all touchy-feeley. Several times he came to the Texan and did that, but the Texan would push his arm away whenever he tried to put it around his neck. Finally, after that had happened a couple times, the Texan got up and cussed him out. Creepy guy made a swift departure from the bar at that point. At this point I'm still not sure if the Texan was gay, or was just there with his gay brother. Whatever the case may be, he was really attractive. I felt good that I had already accomplished my next goal of having a conversation (albeit a short one) in the bar. Before I left I said good-bye to the Texan (who gave me another high five).

One of the most remarkable things about my visits to Boystown was how I was able to somewhat get over my self-consciousness. With me being there, it would be a natural reaction for anyone to look at me and assume I was gay. But the anonymity I felt made that okay. No one in the whole city knew who I was.

Another test came today, when I stopped in a bookshop at O'Hare airport and picked up Ricky Martin's autobiography. I wondered what the cashier thought about me buying that book. Anyways, his story interests me, since he struggled with his sexuality well into his 30s. A late-bloomer, if you will. I'm not as old as him, but that doesn't stop me from feeling like a late-bloomer too. The whole time I was in Boston, every time I noticed a hot guy (usually in the early to mid-20s range), I wished I had reached the point I'm at now when I was 22. Sure, just 5 short years ago. But I wish I still had the bulk of my twenties ahead of me (plus I wish I'd actually accomplished my bulking up goals). I'm still not sure where this path will lead, if I will continue to pursue the possibility of dating the same sex. But this weekend, with my checking out hot guys around Chicago and visiting a gay bar (on two separate nights), definitely didn't rule it out. My experience, though awkward at times, wasn't unpleasant. If I should decide to visit a gay bar in California, I think I'll have a lot easier time of it now.

YouTube updates

I'm happy to report that one of my favorite YouTube vloggers, jacobyoutubification, has started to make videos again. Check him out!

I also randomly found the channel of another user that seems pretty cool. He just started it and has been documenting his coming out process as a bisexual. He's also a PhD candidate in neuroscience, which struck pretty close to home for me since that's what I almost did.

There's still a part of me that wishes I'd gone through with it, I guess . . .

Oh well, life's too short to focus on the past. I need to keep my eyes on the future. Overall I can say now that I'm comfortable with the decision I made, and I'm determined to figure out how I can make a contribution to humanity without having to give up things that are important to me (like living near family, a stable career, etc.) I've been pulled many different ways over the past year, but now I feel like I'm a bit more confident about what it is I want in respect to a career. I'm learning to resist the urge to over-analyze, and I'm also increasingly accepting that I may have to sacrifice some things that might be desirable. You can't have everything after all, at least, not all at once. Eventually I'll discuss my most recent thought processes more on this blog, but I don't want to jinx it for now, haha. I'll wait a bit until things are a little clearer, and I'm a bit more committed.

Firefly Guy

I just thought of one more thing I wanted to post about. I read today that Sean Maher, who played Simon the doctor on Firefly, is gay. He's now appearing on the new show "The Playboy Club." Also on the show is Eddie Cibrian. Almost makes me want to watch, except I hear the show is terrible.