Info Dump

Work continues to figure out the two major issues: career and sexuality (in that order this time around)

I had lunch with a dentist yesterday, to discuss that career path. It's been on my mind since June, so maybe this one will stick? There's still some aspects of it I'm not sure about (seems chronic neck/back pain is inevitable, and I never really was much into working a lot with my hands), but then again every job has its downside. I've thought about doing what some of my friends have done and get a teaching credential to teach HS biology or something, but I don't know about teaching high schoolers . . . plus the job prospects are pretty dim for teachers (though better for science and math I think). There's a good chance I may end up with dentistry, we'll see. There are aspects I find attractive (interacting and building relationships with people, helping relieve people of pain and practicing preventative treatments, etc.)

I got a new laptop and have been making use of the webcam to keep in touch with family, including my parents who now live in the Midwest :-( I can't believe I haven't seen them in person since before my trip!

About the trip: it was to Europe, the Eurotrip I had been planning for years to take place between work and grad school. Luckily it still worked out even though grad school got indefinitely postponed. It single-handedly prevented 2010 from being a really crappy year. Kind of weird how 3 of the most stressful months of my life were immediately followed by one of the best. I figured it would be a good chance to recharge my batteries and get ready to figure out this career thing once and for all. As for the places we visited (me, friends, and cousins), we went to Spain, France, Italy, Germany, The Netherlands, and the UK. Many fun times were had. And no, we did not try the brownies in Amsterdam. We did visit the Red Light District, though. I found it pretty disturbing, like a smutty haunted house, haha. Prostitutes behind glass, on either side of a narrow alleyway, beckoning to you. Definitely not something you'd find in the US, haha. My friends were captivated it seems. I was just uncomfortable.

We also inadvertently stayed in a gay hotel in Berlin, called the Axel Hotel. Hotels.com left out a bit of pertinent information about the type of hotel, haha. The place's motto was "Hetero Friendly." It also seems to confuse "gay" with "exhibitionist," . . . since the walls of the bathrooms in the rooms are transparent! If the hall door was open people could see right into the shower! There's also door hangars, in addition to the ones that say "Do Not Disturb," that say, "Please Disturb." The guest directory explains it is to notify other guests that it is okay to "knock on the door." Ahem. Apparently while me and a friend were sitting down in the lobby a couple of guys went by and checked us out (I wasn't looking up, one of the others told me). Interesting. Some of my companions are typically a bit homophobic, but I think they handled our stay maturely. Definitely makes an interesting story. Now I read they're putting one in in NYC. Of course, my big secret issue was in my head the whole time we were there. Not only that, we happened to be in Madrid and Munich during gay pride! It was like a recurring theme.

Also during the trip, a couple of my travel buddies invented code words to allow them to discreetly point out hot girls to each other (they're in college, give 'em a break, haha). I noticed more guys than girls during the trip, so I couldn't really join in.

Now that I'm back home it's back to business as usual, while I try to figure out what career to pursue. And on the side working on the sexuality issue whenever any clues arise. A girl at work who I always thought was attractive just left to go to law school (at the same school I decided not to go to, haha). Another girl who I'm pretty sure had feelings for me left for medical school. She'd be perfect to date, if only I felt more attracted to her. Recently I met a female teller in the bank who was really cute and had a great personality, and the fact that I felt an attraction got my attention. I may need to go back there soon. It did confirm my feeling that I only crush on girls once I've interacted with them, whereas I can crush on guys just based on appearance. Seems like personality is a more substantial thing to look for in a potential mate, but it's kind of problematic if the physical element is missing. So hmm.

Okay that was a massive dump of stream of consciousness. I need to be at work at 8 tomorrow, so good night.

Reading material

I bought a bunch of books at Barnes and Noble both before and after my trip. Before were self-help books, books to help me with my current situation. One of them is called "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway." I bought this one because I recognize the role that fear had in preventing me from entering the east coast grad program. Obviously it was not the only factor, or else I wouldn't feel like it was the right thing for me to do. But it was a factor, and I want to make sure that when I figure out what I ultimately want to do, I don't get sidelined by fear. I haven't started reading it yet, but I plan to.

The other one is called "The Pathfinder: How to Choose or Change Your Career for a Lifetime of Satisfaction and Success." It's full of exercises designed to help you learn more about your own wants, needs, attributes, and interests and how to translate them into a career. I tend to do best when I have structure, so I figured I would try the book since it is a systematic way to get to the bottom of what I'm struggling with.

Another book I got recently to read for leisure. It's called "God Says No," and it's a novel about a man with same-sex attraction that gets married and ends up faking his own death to lead a gay lifestyle. Later on he spends time in a Christian ministry to try to become straight. The main theme of the book is definitely the negative consequences that arise when you try to be something you're not. Also the way blind faith ruins lives. The book didn't really help me clear up anything on the sexuality side of things. I could relate to the guy's unwanted physical attraction to guys, but not his desire to go out and do sexual things with them. Overall it was an okay read, but nothing to write home about.

I went to a wedding recently and sat next to a really beautiful girl with a nice personality. My former roommate was there and kept pressuring me to ask her to dance. She was on the verge of moving out of the country to teach, so it would have been a low risk thing to do (on the other hand, if I liked her that would suck to meet her right before her move). In the end I wussed out. But I did chat with her for a while, so that's something at least. And the fact that I found her attractive is nice, though it doesn't help to clear up the confusion, haha. For now I'll just continue living, and paying attention to who I'm attracted to and who I'm not. But I really got to start figuring this crap out, because times a-wastin'.

Into August

It's been a month and a half since my last post, and I'm proud to say, I haven't flip flopped. I am still feeling good about my decision to not do the program. The reasons behind the difficulty of the decision are also clearer to me now. The program itself was very attractive: really great school, exciting city, chance to break out of my bubble and experience new things, interesting subject, new people. But the big picture, the down-the-road stuff (i.e., the career) . . . not so appealing anymore. I needed to sacrifice the short term stuff that I was looking forward to, because that path no longer would take me where I want to go. I'm just happy I'm not regretting it. The door's not completely closed yet, since I just deferred my enrollment, but I'm 90% sure I'm going to say no when the time comes for me to tell them whether I'm coming next year.

My month of travelling was just what I needed. The trip single-handedly saved 2010 from being total crap, as it was one of the best months of my life. I'll probably write more about the trip some other time

Quick one

Just a paragraph, to counterbalance last night's behemoth, haha. I'm feeling much better today. I told most of the most difficult people to tell. First, people at work. Second, my friend who I'll be travelling with next month. I nearly screwed up that whole plan completely. It's working out, but after I told him over the phone he said, in a nutshell, "So after all that you're not going? I could have saved a couple hundred dollars if you could have made up your mind sooner. I wish you hadn't told me." Ouch. I do know I really made a mess and I feel really bad about it. Still, I felt that was a little uncalled for. What am I supposed to do, pretend that I'm living on the east coast when I talk to him in a few months? I admit I reacted quite angrily and ranted a little bit before I calmed down. What's done is done. I can't change the past. All I know is I'm more at peace now than I've been in several months, and more people are going on the trip that may have not been able to go if circumstances had been different. So, my regrets are minimal.

Roller coaster

It's been a long three months.

I just read back over the post from April, after I accepted the grad school offer. Funny how I titled that post "back and forth." Little did I know the back and forth was just beginning. Please be warned, this is a looooooong post. Not exactly the most conducive to reading, but it was therapeutic to write, so that's all that matters.

The weekend after I found out that deferral was an option, I thought about it and decided that deferral would probably just result in me being just as apprehensive a year from now. The only way I could know if grad school was for me was to go, right? So I emailed the program and told them I'd be starting in September after all. I began telling people of my decision, though I was still a little unsure whether it was really the right one.

It was hard to disentangle the cause of my feelings. Was it because I was afraid to move to the east coast? Was it the idea of switching from So Cal suburbia to east coast big city? The idea of putting up with freezing cold winters? Leaving my friends and family behind? Fear of the unknown? Or . . . was it something more rational?

I couldn't help but browse the internet. I browsed forums about the city. About grad school. About PhD job prospects (that scared me the most). The discomfort I felt about academia began to increase. I started talking to anyone and everyone about the decision I had to make. Advice usually took the form of "do what will make you happy" (except you don't know what will make you happy before you do it, do you?), "follow your gut" (my gut wasn't any less confused than the rest of me), "you can always go try it out and leave if it's not for you" (except much of my fear was centered on the career path AFTER grad school, not grad school itself).

My parents and I decided to take a trip over to check out the school and the city. It was a fun trip. I met up with a friend from the recruitment weekend and checked out some places I had found on CraigsList. One guy advertising was an alumnus from my alma mater (small world). Nice guy, great location, but the place wasn't the greatest. I ended up settling on a place that was much bigger, but also much farther away. Admittedly, my parents kind of pushed me to jump on that place, even though I was a bit apprehensive about the area. In the end I felt a little bit better about it though, after meeting with the girl I'd be living with. She's a really pretty pre-med from British Columbia. I figured if she could make it in the neighborhood, I'd be just fine.

Our trip also included a visit to the faculty member who I had chatted with about my concerns. I thanked her for her help, and also talked a bit more about the program to make me feel better.

Coming back home, I definitely felt a lot better about the school itself and the city. The worries about the career path continued to persist, however. I kept giving myself ultimatums: "Stop browsing the internet forums! The internet is full of negativity! It's not like people post on forums about how great their lives are!" But it wasn't just the forums. It was newspaper articles as well. I added a science section to my Google News page, and one of the top stories had a headline like, "Universities are churning out doctorates, but few jobs." The person profiled in the story? A person in my field. From UCLA. Who decided to leave academia to become a professional poker player. Apparently she finds that less risky??

The landlord of the place I had chosen was beginning to bug me to mail the lease and security deposit, and I began to freak out again. On top of that, I had a fun weekend wine tasting with my friends in gorgeous countryside that reminded me of what I was leaving behind (friends and CA) and made me extremely depressed. I could barely even enjoy the finale of "Lost," hehe. I talked a long time with my friends and decided it wasn't right for me to go, not if I felt this bad. On top of it all, my stress had begun to manifest itself physically as a cramp-like pain in my stomach. Worried about my health, I emailed the landlord and said there was a potential problem that might prevent me from moving after all, and that I'd let him know as soon as I could. He was alright with it, but said to get back to him asap, as he had others lined up for the room. I also asked my boss if it would be possible to cancel the search for my replacement if necessary. He said yes.

I wrote a message to my friend in the program to warn him that I may not be there in September after all. He wrote back and offered to talk about it on the phone. I called him and explained everything, and asked him about his decision to pursue grad school, what he was planning to do with the PhD, and what he thought about the program and its usefulness for helping students explore their options. The conversation was encouraging. I decided to talk to the faculty member for the third time, so I emailed her. I really didn't want to come across as needy or in need of coddling, but I didn't know what else to do. I basically told her my interest in academia was waning and that the most attractive option in my mind was at this point teaching at the community college level. I figured this would allow me with a degree of geographic choice that would be denied me by academia, and would allow me to focus on teaching without having to worry about running a research lab and applying for grants. She assured me that she felt their program would suit my needs, and she would gladly work with me to point me in the right direction once I came.

The conversations made me feel better. Meanwhile, my brother-in-law had written me a text saying he was relieved to hear that I was staying. I texted him back with a message suggesting I had experienced a(nother) change of heart. His response was along the lines of, "So you're going now? You're going to drive your mom crazy!" My sister wrote a similar email: "We'll support whatever you decide . . . just decide soon before you give Mom a stroke!"

Thinking the apprehension would continue until I committed, I wrote the check for the security deposit, signed the lease, and mailed it. Done. I began to tell people about how I had finally sealed the deal. It felt good. Sort of. For a little bit. And then the worries returned. And the depression set back in. I would think of friends who had started careers that would allow them to stay in California, and felt jealous. I began to think very negative thoughts about myself and my life. Meanwhile the ad for my job successor went out, and applications began to come in. My supervisor scheduled interviews. My boss saw me a couple times last week and could tell I was still very conflicted and depressed. He tried his best to console me (he's an amazing guy), and suggested I take a hint from the Eagles: "Don't let the sound of your own wheels drive you crazy." I couldn't help it, though.

I decided enough was enough, I couldn't do this on my own. I looked up the counselor that I hadn't seen for two years and paid her an impromptu visit. I started off describing all the reasons for my apprehension, and she suggested there didn't seem to be much reason for me to go. Then, however, I described the reasons I had to go, mostly about the attractive aspects of the program. That made her change her tune, and she suggested it might be worth a try. Argh! At least it's not just me, though. Apparently the situation will confuse even a professional.

Friday night I talked long with a close friend and admitted to him that I was still deeply conflicted and thinking of attempting to back out even at this point. We talked for quite a while, and I ended up thinking that I might very well see if it was possible. The next morning, I hesitantly called my mom to talk to her. She had probably lost more sleep over my problems than I had in the past month, so I didn't want to burden her further. However, I really needed to talk. I told her about how I had started seeing the psychologist again, and she still seemed ready to support me even if I changed my mind yet again.

That day I saw the psychologist and shared with her a realization that I had come to the night before with my friend: the positives of going to the grad program were mostly concentrated on the program itself. The negatives were mostly about the career path afterward. I was trying to have it both ways. I didn't want to go down the career path anymore, but I didn't want to give up the grad school experience. My boss was of the opinion that I should go try it out anyway, even if I had zero interest in the career. Sure, maybe if I was forever young. But I turn 26 soon. Time's a wasting. By the end of the session, the psychologist helped me feel confident that the right thing to do was defer.

So, I emailed my boss to see if it might be possible to cancel the interviews and keep me on. I emailed the landlord to see about cancelling the lease (luckily, there was a termination clause in the lease, as long as more than a month's notice is given). Today I spoke to my boss. He has agreed to keep me on. He is being VERY understanding about it, although I know I pushed him past the point of what should be acceptable. In addition, he's allowing me to take the month of July off so I can still do the travelling that I've been looking forward to for so long. I'll do unpaid leave to cover it, but it will be worth it. I feel so blessed to have such a boss.

The landlord texted me and said he'll get back to me this week. Hopefully that will go smoothly. I don't see why it wouldn't, it says termination is okay right in the lease.

I'm working on telling everyone about my final decision. It is absolutely humiliating to switch again, and I have to do it over and over. Most everyone is okay with it, but I don't want to think about how their perception of me may have changed. Heck, I've acted downright crazy. I still haven't told the program yet, but the faculty member said I could choose to defer all the way up to the start of school so I'm not worried about that.

Phew! I logged in to make a quick update and it turned into this! This was therapeutic, though. Now, to plan my trip, recharge, and start figuring out what I'm going to do. The door is still open to do the program next year, but honestly, I don't see that happening. Academia is a high risk, high reward profession, and I have never been a gambler. Why would I gamble with my career, which is the next 40 years or so of my life? For some, the passion for the subject makes up for the risk. For me, the costs simply aren't worth it.

My guilty pleasure comes to an end

And now, a less serious post to complement the heavier one from earlier. I watched the last couple episodes of "The Real World DC." I feel kind of silly to admit it, but I found this season a little inspiring at times. Most of it came from Mike, whom I've mentioned before. He comes from a conservative background, but he identifies as bisexual and exudes such an admirable self-confidence. Not to mention he's extremely easy on the eyes. However, I also found myself relating to other people on the show as well. There was a girl named Erika who I largely couldn't stand, but when she was debating with herself about whether to leave the show or not, I couldn't help but be reminded of my grad school decision. She constantly flip flopped back and forth until her roommates didn't even believe a word she said anymore. At one point she even considered flipping a coin to decide (I admit, that thought crossed my mind at one point too). In the end, she chose to leave because she wasn't happy, and wanted to return to where she felt safe and comfortable. She stood to gain much more from staying, but she decided to cut and run instead. I'm feeling like giving up on the PhD at this point would be akin to doing that (at least, that's how I feel today, haha). It would be giving in to the impulses that define some of the aspects of my personality that I like least.

Overall, I think the reason I enjoy watching The Real World is because it stars people who are at the same stage of their lives as I am. Even though they tend to be a couple years younger than me and still in college, they are trying to figure out what they want to do for the rest of their lives, and what kind of people they want to be. It also reminds me that everyone is a little screwed up. Everyone has issues (some more than others, as is often the case on that show). And with that, I leave you with an image of Mike Manning. You're welcome, Aek. :-)

Back and forth

Well, the deadline for my decision has passed. The past month has been the most stressful month of my life. The weight of the decision I would have to make weighed on me all day, every day. The second I would wake up in the morning, I would instantly begin thinking about it again. My mind went back and forth repeatedly. Whenever I would think about the potential personal growth that could occur with the east coast move, as well as the interest in science that had brought me to this point to begin with, I would warm up to the idea of moving. Then, whenever my mind returned to the troubling aspects of academia and the uncertainty of that career path, I would freak out and plan to turn the offer down again.

Friday before the deadline week, I received an email from the chair of the program, checking in with me and offering to answer any questions I might have that could help me decide. I decided to reply with an honest email, explaining my apprehension about pursuing academia and asking about the possibility of deferring enrollment by a year (I figured it was a long shot). This led to a half hour conversation with her a few days before the deadline, where she shared with me her own experiences in academia, spoke about the program's opportunities to learn about alternative career paths, and most importantly, confirmed that deferral would, in fact, be a possibility. Better yet, I could accept the offer from the program and decide whether to defer until later. So, I accepted.

Unfortunately, this means drawing out my decision period. I think I needed the extra time, though. The rejection from my top choice really killed my self-confidence, and I think this was a big factor in my near abandonment of grad school. I know I wrote before that I don't want to enter grad school for the wrong reasons. Well, the same goes for potentially safer options like pharmacy and optometry school. If the interest in the work isn't there, it doesn't matter how "safe" the option is.

So where I stand now: I need to decide whether to 1. start the program in September. 2. Defer to give myself more time to decide if this is what I should do (with the disadvantage being, of course, pushing it back again) 3. Give it up and find a different path to pursue. They say that when looking back at your life you're more likely to regret what you didn't do, rather than what you did do. So, I am once again leaning towards going through with it.

I'm really seeing a theme in all these crises of mine. My indecisiveness seems to stem from a fear of commitment. I love having options, and hate the idea of choosing one path at the expense of others. I seem to prefer standing and looking at all of the open doors rather than choosing one and letting the others close. I'm really going to have to learn to make a choice and live with it.