Quick one

Just a paragraph, to counterbalance last night's behemoth, haha. I'm feeling much better today. I told most of the most difficult people to tell. First, people at work. Second, my friend who I'll be travelling with next month. I nearly screwed up that whole plan completely. It's working out, but after I told him over the phone he said, in a nutshell, "So after all that you're not going? I could have saved a couple hundred dollars if you could have made up your mind sooner. I wish you hadn't told me." Ouch. I do know I really made a mess and I feel really bad about it. Still, I felt that was a little uncalled for. What am I supposed to do, pretend that I'm living on the east coast when I talk to him in a few months? I admit I reacted quite angrily and ranted a little bit before I calmed down. What's done is done. I can't change the past. All I know is I'm more at peace now than I've been in several months, and more people are going on the trip that may have not been able to go if circumstances had been different. So, my regrets are minimal.

Roller coaster

It's been a long three months.

I just read back over the post from April, after I accepted the grad school offer. Funny how I titled that post "back and forth." Little did I know the back and forth was just beginning. Please be warned, this is a looooooong post. Not exactly the most conducive to reading, but it was therapeutic to write, so that's all that matters.

The weekend after I found out that deferral was an option, I thought about it and decided that deferral would probably just result in me being just as apprehensive a year from now. The only way I could know if grad school was for me was to go, right? So I emailed the program and told them I'd be starting in September after all. I began telling people of my decision, though I was still a little unsure whether it was really the right one.

It was hard to disentangle the cause of my feelings. Was it because I was afraid to move to the east coast? Was it the idea of switching from So Cal suburbia to east coast big city? The idea of putting up with freezing cold winters? Leaving my friends and family behind? Fear of the unknown? Or . . . was it something more rational?

I couldn't help but browse the internet. I browsed forums about the city. About grad school. About PhD job prospects (that scared me the most). The discomfort I felt about academia began to increase. I started talking to anyone and everyone about the decision I had to make. Advice usually took the form of "do what will make you happy" (except you don't know what will make you happy before you do it, do you?), "follow your gut" (my gut wasn't any less confused than the rest of me), "you can always go try it out and leave if it's not for you" (except much of my fear was centered on the career path AFTER grad school, not grad school itself).

My parents and I decided to take a trip over to check out the school and the city. It was a fun trip. I met up with a friend from the recruitment weekend and checked out some places I had found on CraigsList. One guy advertising was an alumnus from my alma mater (small world). Nice guy, great location, but the place wasn't the greatest. I ended up settling on a place that was much bigger, but also much farther away. Admittedly, my parents kind of pushed me to jump on that place, even though I was a bit apprehensive about the area. In the end I felt a little bit better about it though, after meeting with the girl I'd be living with. She's a really pretty pre-med from British Columbia. I figured if she could make it in the neighborhood, I'd be just fine.

Our trip also included a visit to the faculty member who I had chatted with about my concerns. I thanked her for her help, and also talked a bit more about the program to make me feel better.

Coming back home, I definitely felt a lot better about the school itself and the city. The worries about the career path continued to persist, however. I kept giving myself ultimatums: "Stop browsing the internet forums! The internet is full of negativity! It's not like people post on forums about how great their lives are!" But it wasn't just the forums. It was newspaper articles as well. I added a science section to my Google News page, and one of the top stories had a headline like, "Universities are churning out doctorates, but few jobs." The person profiled in the story? A person in my field. From UCLA. Who decided to leave academia to become a professional poker player. Apparently she finds that less risky??

The landlord of the place I had chosen was beginning to bug me to mail the lease and security deposit, and I began to freak out again. On top of that, I had a fun weekend wine tasting with my friends in gorgeous countryside that reminded me of what I was leaving behind (friends and CA) and made me extremely depressed. I could barely even enjoy the finale of "Lost," hehe. I talked a long time with my friends and decided it wasn't right for me to go, not if I felt this bad. On top of it all, my stress had begun to manifest itself physically as a cramp-like pain in my stomach. Worried about my health, I emailed the landlord and said there was a potential problem that might prevent me from moving after all, and that I'd let him know as soon as I could. He was alright with it, but said to get back to him asap, as he had others lined up for the room. I also asked my boss if it would be possible to cancel the search for my replacement if necessary. He said yes.

I wrote a message to my friend in the program to warn him that I may not be there in September after all. He wrote back and offered to talk about it on the phone. I called him and explained everything, and asked him about his decision to pursue grad school, what he was planning to do with the PhD, and what he thought about the program and its usefulness for helping students explore their options. The conversation was encouraging. I decided to talk to the faculty member for the third time, so I emailed her. I really didn't want to come across as needy or in need of coddling, but I didn't know what else to do. I basically told her my interest in academia was waning and that the most attractive option in my mind was at this point teaching at the community college level. I figured this would allow me with a degree of geographic choice that would be denied me by academia, and would allow me to focus on teaching without having to worry about running a research lab and applying for grants. She assured me that she felt their program would suit my needs, and she would gladly work with me to point me in the right direction once I came.

The conversations made me feel better. Meanwhile, my brother-in-law had written me a text saying he was relieved to hear that I was staying. I texted him back with a message suggesting I had experienced a(nother) change of heart. His response was along the lines of, "So you're going now? You're going to drive your mom crazy!" My sister wrote a similar email: "We'll support whatever you decide . . . just decide soon before you give Mom a stroke!"

Thinking the apprehension would continue until I committed, I wrote the check for the security deposit, signed the lease, and mailed it. Done. I began to tell people about how I had finally sealed the deal. It felt good. Sort of. For a little bit. And then the worries returned. And the depression set back in. I would think of friends who had started careers that would allow them to stay in California, and felt jealous. I began to think very negative thoughts about myself and my life. Meanwhile the ad for my job successor went out, and applications began to come in. My supervisor scheduled interviews. My boss saw me a couple times last week and could tell I was still very conflicted and depressed. He tried his best to console me (he's an amazing guy), and suggested I take a hint from the Eagles: "Don't let the sound of your own wheels drive you crazy." I couldn't help it, though.

I decided enough was enough, I couldn't do this on my own. I looked up the counselor that I hadn't seen for two years and paid her an impromptu visit. I started off describing all the reasons for my apprehension, and she suggested there didn't seem to be much reason for me to go. Then, however, I described the reasons I had to go, mostly about the attractive aspects of the program. That made her change her tune, and she suggested it might be worth a try. Argh! At least it's not just me, though. Apparently the situation will confuse even a professional.

Friday night I talked long with a close friend and admitted to him that I was still deeply conflicted and thinking of attempting to back out even at this point. We talked for quite a while, and I ended up thinking that I might very well see if it was possible. The next morning, I hesitantly called my mom to talk to her. She had probably lost more sleep over my problems than I had in the past month, so I didn't want to burden her further. However, I really needed to talk. I told her about how I had started seeing the psychologist again, and she still seemed ready to support me even if I changed my mind yet again.

That day I saw the psychologist and shared with her a realization that I had come to the night before with my friend: the positives of going to the grad program were mostly concentrated on the program itself. The negatives were mostly about the career path afterward. I was trying to have it both ways. I didn't want to go down the career path anymore, but I didn't want to give up the grad school experience. My boss was of the opinion that I should go try it out anyway, even if I had zero interest in the career. Sure, maybe if I was forever young. But I turn 26 soon. Time's a wasting. By the end of the session, the psychologist helped me feel confident that the right thing to do was defer.

So, I emailed my boss to see if it might be possible to cancel the interviews and keep me on. I emailed the landlord to see about cancelling the lease (luckily, there was a termination clause in the lease, as long as more than a month's notice is given). Today I spoke to my boss. He has agreed to keep me on. He is being VERY understanding about it, although I know I pushed him past the point of what should be acceptable. In addition, he's allowing me to take the month of July off so I can still do the travelling that I've been looking forward to for so long. I'll do unpaid leave to cover it, but it will be worth it. I feel so blessed to have such a boss.

The landlord texted me and said he'll get back to me this week. Hopefully that will go smoothly. I don't see why it wouldn't, it says termination is okay right in the lease.

I'm working on telling everyone about my final decision. It is absolutely humiliating to switch again, and I have to do it over and over. Most everyone is okay with it, but I don't want to think about how their perception of me may have changed. Heck, I've acted downright crazy. I still haven't told the program yet, but the faculty member said I could choose to defer all the way up to the start of school so I'm not worried about that.

Phew! I logged in to make a quick update and it turned into this! This was therapeutic, though. Now, to plan my trip, recharge, and start figuring out what I'm going to do. The door is still open to do the program next year, but honestly, I don't see that happening. Academia is a high risk, high reward profession, and I have never been a gambler. Why would I gamble with my career, which is the next 40 years or so of my life? For some, the passion for the subject makes up for the risk. For me, the costs simply aren't worth it.

My guilty pleasure comes to an end

And now, a less serious post to complement the heavier one from earlier. I watched the last couple episodes of "The Real World DC." I feel kind of silly to admit it, but I found this season a little inspiring at times. Most of it came from Mike, whom I've mentioned before. He comes from a conservative background, but he identifies as bisexual and exudes such an admirable self-confidence. Not to mention he's extremely easy on the eyes. However, I also found myself relating to other people on the show as well. There was a girl named Erika who I largely couldn't stand, but when she was debating with herself about whether to leave the show or not, I couldn't help but be reminded of my grad school decision. She constantly flip flopped back and forth until her roommates didn't even believe a word she said anymore. At one point she even considered flipping a coin to decide (I admit, that thought crossed my mind at one point too). In the end, she chose to leave because she wasn't happy, and wanted to return to where she felt safe and comfortable. She stood to gain much more from staying, but she decided to cut and run instead. I'm feeling like giving up on the PhD at this point would be akin to doing that (at least, that's how I feel today, haha). It would be giving in to the impulses that define some of the aspects of my personality that I like least.

Overall, I think the reason I enjoy watching The Real World is because it stars people who are at the same stage of their lives as I am. Even though they tend to be a couple years younger than me and still in college, they are trying to figure out what they want to do for the rest of their lives, and what kind of people they want to be. It also reminds me that everyone is a little screwed up. Everyone has issues (some more than others, as is often the case on that show). And with that, I leave you with an image of Mike Manning. You're welcome, Aek. :-)

Back and forth

Well, the deadline for my decision has passed. The past month has been the most stressful month of my life. The weight of the decision I would have to make weighed on me all day, every day. The second I would wake up in the morning, I would instantly begin thinking about it again. My mind went back and forth repeatedly. Whenever I would think about the potential personal growth that could occur with the east coast move, as well as the interest in science that had brought me to this point to begin with, I would warm up to the idea of moving. Then, whenever my mind returned to the troubling aspects of academia and the uncertainty of that career path, I would freak out and plan to turn the offer down again.

Friday before the deadline week, I received an email from the chair of the program, checking in with me and offering to answer any questions I might have that could help me decide. I decided to reply with an honest email, explaining my apprehension about pursuing academia and asking about the possibility of deferring enrollment by a year (I figured it was a long shot). This led to a half hour conversation with her a few days before the deadline, where she shared with me her own experiences in academia, spoke about the program's opportunities to learn about alternative career paths, and most importantly, confirmed that deferral would, in fact, be a possibility. Better yet, I could accept the offer from the program and decide whether to defer until later. So, I accepted.

Unfortunately, this means drawing out my decision period. I think I needed the extra time, though. The rejection from my top choice really killed my self-confidence, and I think this was a big factor in my near abandonment of grad school. I know I wrote before that I don't want to enter grad school for the wrong reasons. Well, the same goes for potentially safer options like pharmacy and optometry school. If the interest in the work isn't there, it doesn't matter how "safe" the option is.

So where I stand now: I need to decide whether to 1. start the program in September. 2. Defer to give myself more time to decide if this is what I should do (with the disadvantage being, of course, pushing it back again) 3. Give it up and find a different path to pursue. They say that when looking back at your life you're more likely to regret what you didn't do, rather than what you did do. So, I am once again leaning towards going through with it.

I'm really seeing a theme in all these crises of mine. My indecisiveness seems to stem from a fear of commitment. I love having options, and hate the idea of choosing one path at the expense of others. I seem to prefer standing and looking at all of the open doors rather than choosing one and letting the others close. I'm really going to have to learn to make a choice and live with it.

New trajectory

I generally have considered the sexual orientation confusion and career doubts of the past couple years to be the defining issues of my so-called "quarter life crisis." Well, the latter definitely came to a head over the last two weeks, spurned on by the UCLA rejection. Having the only acceptance come from an east coast school, I decided to look more closely at how badly I really wanted the Ph.D. I realized that part of the reason I wanted to go to UCLA so much was that I still had not fully committed to the idea of a career in research/academia. The fact that it was the best program for my interests was a factor sure, and a convenient justification for my preference. But really, I wanted to be able to pursue the Ph.D. without having to disrupt my life too much. If later on I decided I did in fact want to pursue a career in academia, then I could commit to the uncertainty and moving around that would be involved at that point. Basically, low risk in the short term, and then I'd make the higher risk decisions later.

The UCLA rejection (coupled with rejections from most of the other programs I interviewed at) has forced me to do some serious soul-searching. After reading a lot more about the Ph.D. track online and talking to people, I'm now realizing that I just might not be well suited to the academic life. The level of uncertainty in that career path terrifies me. The idea of having to move from post-doc position to post-doc position, applying to faculty jobs alongside hundreds of other applicants, having to move to some random location in the country because it's the only place you can get a job, having to constantly apply for grants to secure funding, and worrying about whether or not you're going to receive tenure . . . I've realized these are stresses that I REALLY don't want to put up with. For a while I just figured they'd be things I'd get used to, that every career path has its own stresses. But now I'm thinking those particular stresses would especially bother me. I know that not everyone who gets a Ph.D. goes into academia, but it IS the most prominent option, and I don't really see the point of starting down that road having already decided that I don't want to be a professor. I wish these things had occurred to me before. . . and I admit the doubts have been recurring for several years now. For some reason I had blinders on until now. Once again, introspection only gets you so far. Sometimes it takes some kind of external stimulus to snap you out of your mindset.

So the last couple weeks has been a mad scramble to try to figure out a Plan B before the time comes for me to officially turn down the offer. I gave med school another look. Nope. Didn't appeal to me before, still doesn't. I looked at law school. They allow applicants from all different majors, so all I'd have to do is take the LSAT. But . . . I never really had much interest in being a lawyer. Physicians assistant? Good pay and more normal hours than a physician, but I'm not sure I'd like direct patient care no matter how many hours I'm on the job.

So now my mind has settled on pharmacy school. Being a pharmacist seems to have characteristics that might suit me. You have to be good at science, and it involves an aspect of science education (teaching others about medications, their uses, their interactions, and how to incorporate them into a healthy lifestyle). In addition, it has a lot of the characteristics that I felt were lacking from academia, namely, better job security, mobility, and higher compensation. I talked to a pharmacist the other day for a while, and she said it was a good profession. She warned me that it is a high stress job, which often involves having to make important decisions in distracting environments. However, I think I could handle that kind of stress better than the kind of stress that comes with a research career.

The problem: PharmD programs require some prerequisites that I haven't taken. Which means . . . I'd have to take more classes first. It seems like a pain, especially since I could just accept the offer and start graduate school in the fall. But . . . in the long run I just don't think I'd be happy.

It's a tough time, but in a way it's liberating to realize that I'm not stuck on the path I was on. A part of me realizes that plenty of people would love to have an acceptance into a Ph.D. program, and would say I'm a fool for planning to turn it down, especially at such a good school. However, I think the foolish thing would be to go into grad school for the wrong reasons. It wouldn't matter if it was the best school in the world . . . if I don't think I'm going to be happy in the career that results.

I'm also being careful not to make any hasty decisions. I'm going to give myself the entire time they're allowing me to accept or reject the offer. I want to make sure this isn't just the rejection talking, haha. If I still feel this way when the time comes . . . I'll turn them down.

You can't always get what you want

Having finished graduate school interviews up in February, I've been really excited to get the word back from all the programs so I could make my decision. My top choice by far was UCLA. They had the best program/faculty/resources for what I wanted to do, plus it's in So Cal so I wouldn't have to move that far and I could still be near my family and friends. I LOVED my experience there during the recruitment weekend, and I felt like all of my interviews went really well (something I couldn't say about all the schools I visited). One professor even seemed eager to advocate for me, saying he was going to email a couple of people on the admissions committee and tell them "they had to admit me." Suffice it to say, I was feeling very confident and had begun to make plans in my mind about what the next five years would be like in Los Angeles.

And then . . . I opened my email on Monday to receive A REJECTION. I was absolutely devastated. Here I had successfully gotten an interview at my dream school and come off of it feeling like I'd done a great job (and they told us 75% of the interviewees would be accepted so I had little reason to worry) and this happens. The past couple days I have been in a funk the likes of which I have never experienced before. On top of that I got sick, probably something I caught at the party over the weekend. So I'm home from work today trying to recover, both physically and mentally/emotionally. I am feeling a little better in all ways, though. I did get one acceptance (out of nine applications, geez) out of state. On the east coast. It's still a good school, just not quite as strong in the specific area I was interested in. I admit, the possibility of turning it down and reapplying to UCLA next year has crossed my mind. On the other hand, there's no guarantee I'd do any better next year, and I might not even get an interview (it's probably only going to get more competitive, especially in CA with all the budget cuts) I have a month to decide, so I have a lot of thinking to do. The thought of leaving my friends and family behind on the west coast pains me, but it might be good for me to get far out of my comfort zone. We'll see.

Make a move

I went to a birthday party last night. Several of the guys were gay (I've met them before, I don't find them attractive) but I spent a good part of the night hanging out with a girl, one of the girls whose birthday it was. She'll be moving out of state in a few weeks so there wasn't much point in pursuing her or anything, but she had a cool personality so she was fun to talk to. One of my best friends also liked her, but he spent most of his time trying to get me to make a move, to "have fun". Then my other best friend joined in too, asking me if I liked her. That made me feel very awkward . . . can't a guy just enjoy talking to a girl without the expectation of having to "make a move"? I'm not a random play or one-night stand kind of guy, so if there's no potential for it to turn into something serious I don't really see the point (asexual tendencies revealing themselves, perhaps?) I felt very confused after the party, though, because even though I hadn't felt the desire to make out with her or anything I did really like being around her. I wonder how I would have felt if it were an attractive guy with a cool personality instead. Would I have felt the same, or would there have been more of a physical desire along with it? Who knows.

During the night I had a dream about the party (that's pretty strange, usually I don't dream about things that JUST happened). In the dream we were all sitting on a big circular couch. My friends were there, and so was one of the gay guys, who was sitting to my right. He started to ask everyone, one by one, questions about their sexuality. While my friends were answering him (I can't even remember what anyone said), I was pretending to sleep so the question wouldn't come to me. Luckily he didn't catch on, haha. I don't think I need Freud to figure that one out.