Watching the Tube

I've been into watching people's YouTube channels lately. I think YouTube is an amazing, amazing thing. The way that random, normal people can make videos that can be seen by anyone, anywhere, and the way that users whose videos resonate with a certain group of people can become mini-celebrities within that community fascinates me. I also think it's a great tool for those who feel different for whatever reason to discover that they are not alone (although I guess that goes for the internet in general).

There's been a couple gay YouTubers especially whose channels I've enjoyed over the last couple of days, including denactor, jacobyoutubification (though his videos were taken down suddenly with no explanation, hmm) and mcgee210 (Australian!!!) Hearing their stories and seeing their confidence is quite an inspiration.

I read the news today, oh boy

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Movie night

I finally watched "Brokeback Mountain" today. My thoughts:

1. Very emotional movie. I don't think I've ever gotten more choked up before from a movie, haha.

2. I never realized that it was Jack Gyllenhaal's character who says the famous line, "I wish I knew how to quit you." For some reason I'd always assumed that line came from Heath Ledger.

3. Health Ledger was an AMAZING actor. To think that Ennis is played by the same guy who did The Joker . . . WOW. Watching this movie was made even sadder by the knowledge that he is no longer with us.

4. I find it interesting that there seems to be some disagreement over whether the characters are actually gay or whether they are bisexual (since both have sexual relationships with women). The impression I got was that they were gay, but coming from that particular time and place they didn't fully understand it. Their idea of "gay" didn't match up with their feelings (because their idea of "gay" was based on the prejudices of the surrounding culture).

5. One of the more resonant morals I found in the film: Life is too short for you to not be happy.

The non-rapture weekend

I had a good weekend. Spent lots of time with family and friends. Went wine tasting for a friend's birthday, and the weather was beautiful. And the world didn't end, which is always a plus.

Speaking of that, I'm so sick of this doomsday crap, and now that loon Harold Camping is claiming that Judgment Day actually DID happen, it was just more "spiritual" than he had predicted, rather than physical. Or something. He still claims the world will end for real on October 21. And we'll have to put up with this idiocy again next year for December 21, 2012 (what is with it always being the 21st?)

People believe crazy stuff. I'm simultaneously fascinated and frustrated by it.

Friends for 2011

I just watched the first 3 episodes of "Happy Endings" online. I had heard some good things about it, and being a fan of "Friends" the similar premise appealed to me. But probably the biggest reason I decided to give it a try was the character of Max. He's the token gay guy in the group, but the character is not stereotypical at all and all of his friends treat his sexuality very matter-of-factly. He pretty much plays the Joey role of the goofy comic relief. Elisha Cuthbert from "24" plays the Rachel role. I wasn't sure how she would do on a comedy, but I was pleasantly surprised. Apparently it got renewed for a second season. Will I keep watching? I don't know. Now that "Smallville" is over (finally!), "Supernatural" is my only remaining show, so I suppose I could add a new one. Still, it's kind of nice not watching much TV.

Know your enemy

So, I'm pretty sure part of my problem is that I have a mild touch of OCD. The counselor agrees. I may have mentioned having a suspicion about this before, I'm not sure. But now I'm pretty sure it is indeed the case, though I'm definitely on the low end of the spectrum. I obsess and compulsively ruminate about career and sexuality issues, often not really getting anywhere. Sometimes I get tempted into going into analysis mode by thinking, "Maybe if I just think hard enough about it, I'll come to a solution." Instead, my thoughts often lead me to experience more doubt and guilt, which seem to be two common emotions of OCD sufferers. A desire for certainty when none can be obtained seems to also be a common thread when I read about OCD.

Even though I'd probably fall short of a true diagnosis of OCD, it has been helpful lately to think in those terms. It helps me stop myself from beginning to ruminate if I can recognize the thoughts as being irrational, by thinking of them as coming from "OCD" rather than me.

I think I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Chugging along

Been a while. I didn't really have much to talk about until now. Things are pretty good. I've been paying more attention to my sexuality as of late. I went back to the counselor a month or so ago, and she suggested I see someone who has more experience with sexuality issues.

So I've now seen a new counselor three times. The first two times we mostly discussed my background, my career issues, and some of my personality traits that cause me difficulty. Last time we spent the whole session talking about my sexuality. I'm really glad I'm seeing this new person, because she really seems to know her sex stuff. I guess she has sex therapy training and has worked with a number of people who have had difficulty figuring themselves out. I also had another chat with my cousin about the issue. It's helpful for me to compare his heterosexuality to my experiences. We talked about instances when attraction affects your behavior (such as my anecdote a couple entries ago when I downed my water super fast just so I had an excuse to get up and check out a guy). I'm really thankful I have someone close to me who's so rational, open-minded, and non-judgmental to talk to about these things.

In other news, I seem to have a bit of a crush on a guy at work. I don't see him much, though.