The non-rapture weekend

I had a good weekend. Spent lots of time with family and friends. Went wine tasting for a friend's birthday, and the weather was beautiful. And the world didn't end, which is always a plus.

Speaking of that, I'm so sick of this doomsday crap, and now that loon Harold Camping is claiming that Judgment Day actually DID happen, it was just more "spiritual" than he had predicted, rather than physical. Or something. He still claims the world will end for real on October 21. And we'll have to put up with this idiocy again next year for December 21, 2012 (what is with it always being the 21st?)

People believe crazy stuff. I'm simultaneously fascinated and frustrated by it.

Friends for 2011

I just watched the first 3 episodes of "Happy Endings" online. I had heard some good things about it, and being a fan of "Friends" the similar premise appealed to me. But probably the biggest reason I decided to give it a try was the character of Max. He's the token gay guy in the group, but the character is not stereotypical at all and all of his friends treat his sexuality very matter-of-factly. He pretty much plays the Joey role of the goofy comic relief. Elisha Cuthbert from "24" plays the Rachel role. I wasn't sure how she would do on a comedy, but I was pleasantly surprised. Apparently it got renewed for a second season. Will I keep watching? I don't know. Now that "Smallville" is over (finally!), "Supernatural" is my only remaining show, so I suppose I could add a new one. Still, it's kind of nice not watching much TV.

Know your enemy

So, I'm pretty sure part of my problem is that I have a mild touch of OCD. The counselor agrees. I may have mentioned having a suspicion about this before, I'm not sure. But now I'm pretty sure it is indeed the case, though I'm definitely on the low end of the spectrum. I obsess and compulsively ruminate about career and sexuality issues, often not really getting anywhere. Sometimes I get tempted into going into analysis mode by thinking, "Maybe if I just think hard enough about it, I'll come to a solution." Instead, my thoughts often lead me to experience more doubt and guilt, which seem to be two common emotions of OCD sufferers. A desire for certainty when none can be obtained seems to also be a common thread when I read about OCD.

Even though I'd probably fall short of a true diagnosis of OCD, it has been helpful lately to think in those terms. It helps me stop myself from beginning to ruminate if I can recognize the thoughts as being irrational, by thinking of them as coming from "OCD" rather than me.

I think I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Chugging along

Been a while. I didn't really have much to talk about until now. Things are pretty good. I've been paying more attention to my sexuality as of late. I went back to the counselor a month or so ago, and she suggested I see someone who has more experience with sexuality issues.

So I've now seen a new counselor three times. The first two times we mostly discussed my background, my career issues, and some of my personality traits that cause me difficulty. Last time we spent the whole session talking about my sexuality. I'm really glad I'm seeing this new person, because she really seems to know her sex stuff. I guess she has sex therapy training and has worked with a number of people who have had difficulty figuring themselves out. I also had another chat with my cousin about the issue. It's helpful for me to compare his heterosexuality to my experiences. We talked about instances when attraction affects your behavior (such as my anecdote a couple entries ago when I downed my water super fast just so I had an excuse to get up and check out a guy). I'm really thankful I have someone close to me who's so rational, open-minded, and non-judgmental to talk to about these things.

In other news, I seem to have a bit of a crush on a guy at work. I don't see him much, though.

It's no surprise to me, I am my own worst enemy

My personality is driving me crazy. All this second guessing and worrying and mind changing and agonizing . . . why can't I be one of those people for whom things seem to come naturally? And why does it have to be BOTH career AND sexuality? Why can't I have just one of them be clear cut?

Sorry, I had to vent. In reality though, I'm still feeling good about my latest (and I hope to God last) mind flip. Stay tuned.

Someone at work remarked about the crazy range of careers I have researched in the past year (I stopped him before he could list them, I didn't need to hear them again). He suggested I get out and get experiences, get out of my comfort zone. I agree, and I've been trying as of late. I joined my friend's a capella group a while back, and next week I start an improv acting class I'm taking for fun (unfortunately it's held on the same night as a capella practice, so I'll have to put the latter on hold). Anything that can help me know myself better!

The latest twist

Well, I've been debating when to post this entry, since the gears are still in motion on what I'm going to write about. But, I'd like to just get it over with.

It was about a year ago when this crazy career-questioning journey began. My dreams of being a college professor began to be affected as I learned about the harsh reality of academia. I realized that if I continued to go for that goal, I would have to make sacrifices that I was not comfortable with. So at the eleventh hour, I pulled out. I researched various other jobs, mostly in health care, before deciding to stick with the teaching idea, only down a level to high school. But, I must say . . . the same thing has happened again. I don't really want to spend all that much time with going into the details of it. In the end it was a much easier decision this time around. I saw my mind going to a dark place, realized the cause was the anxiety I had about the path I had chosen, and decided that the only thing still keeping me on that path was the reluctance to look like a complete flake by changing my mind again. Luckily it wasn't long before I came to this rather obvious realization: it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about my decision. It doesn't matter if you seem completely crazy for doing it (I fear I do, haha). What I decide affects others' lives a minuscule amount. But it affects my life 100%.

Thanks to all who encouraged me to pursue teaching . . . sorry I won't be taking your advice, at least not at this time. I have no doubt that it's a great career for some people . . . but at this point it's just not what I want to do.

In any case, I'm looking at another very promising path right now. I wouldn't have backed out if I didn't have something attractive to pursue instead. I think I'll hold off on talking about it until I get a little farther, but at this point in time I feel MUCH better about it than most of the other things I've looked at. Kind of strange how I'm holding back on an anonymous blog. Anyways, how do I know this same thing won't happen again? Well, for one I'm determined to NOT let this become a recurring pattern. I know it might seem that I'm just reacting out of fear, and I admit that fear is certainly a factor. I will try to work on that. But really, I do honestly believe that there are real reasons why the paths I've flirted with up until this point were not right for me. The path I'm looking at now has some key differences from academia and teaching that I've realized are very important to me. More to come about that, once I start moving forward.

I wish there was something as exciting to report on the sexuality front. There isn't really. I just continue to monitor my feelings and stay attentive to any feelings of attraction I might have to people I interact with. I was actually quite attracted to the waiter at lunch today. He made eye contact with me a couple of times and each time it was a little exciting. Gives me hope that maybe, just maybe, I'm not as asexual as I've feared myself to be. Perhaps in the right context I can feel what so many others feel so strongly.

Anecdotes

I was thinking a bit more about the conversation I had with my friend a few weeks ago. One thing I thought was funny: she said that I "come across as asexual." Haha. Reminds me of the one roommate I had a year ago at a grad school recruitment weekend who said I was "hard to read."

This past week I attended a debate between an evangelical Christian and an atheist. It was pretty interesting, though it accomplished about as much as such debates usually do (not much). It would have been better if the atheist was as good of a speaker as the Christian. Throughout the debate I had my eye on a college guy in the row in front of me. He looked pretty young, probably 19 or 20. Very good looking. He would often snicker at things the Christian said (he said a lot of humorous things, few of them intentionally so--not that I think all arguments for religion are silly, just many of the ones he used). After the debate the college guy left while I lingered for a bit, hoping to strike up a conversation with someone since I had come alone. Alas, no opportunities really presented themselves. One of the Christian's companions did hand me a little booklet though. It was a little comic strip about the evils of homosexuality. I generously donated it to Mr. Trash Can.

Once I walked outside, I noticed that the college guy was standing by the building next door, seemingly waiting for someone. I decided to approach him, asking him if he had attended the debate (even though I clearly knew he had, haha). He was really nice, and we chatted for a few minutes. The conversation started to dwindle and he appeared ready to leave, so after introducing ourselves we parted ways. A couple thoughts came to my mind. 1) What the heck was the point of swapping first names and then leaving, never to see each other again? 2) It was good practice striking up conversation with random people. I don't think he was gay or anything, but I have been wrong before. Kind of an anti-climactic anecdote, I know. But all of these little happenings that suggest a direction in my orientation are helpful to compile.

Another one: a few days earlier I was eating dinner at a small place when a guy walked in. I could see out of the corner of my eye that he was wearing a tank top and was quite buff. I couldn't get a good look at him without turning my head though, and I didn't want to be obvious. After ordering he stopped behind me at the counter, gathering napkins and stuff. On the other side of him was the drink dispenser. So, I quickly downed my water (which was nearly full) just so I could get up and refill it, thus giving me a chance to look at him (hotness confirmed). I don't think I would have done the same with a girl.

Still, such occurrences aren't usually accompanied by stirrings in the nether regions or thoughts of passionate romping. For those of you who might read this who consider yourselves to have a normal sex drive, would this be the case for you if you saw a hot guy in public? Would you imagine him naked? Would you get aroused?