The latest twist

Well, I've been debating when to post this entry, since the gears are still in motion on what I'm going to write about. But, I'd like to just get it over with.

It was about a year ago when this crazy career-questioning journey began. My dreams of being a college professor began to be affected as I learned about the harsh reality of academia. I realized that if I continued to go for that goal, I would have to make sacrifices that I was not comfortable with. So at the eleventh hour, I pulled out. I researched various other jobs, mostly in health care, before deciding to stick with the teaching idea, only down a level to high school. But, I must say . . . the same thing has happened again. I don't really want to spend all that much time with going into the details of it. In the end it was a much easier decision this time around. I saw my mind going to a dark place, realized the cause was the anxiety I had about the path I had chosen, and decided that the only thing still keeping me on that path was the reluctance to look like a complete flake by changing my mind again. Luckily it wasn't long before I came to this rather obvious realization: it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about my decision. It doesn't matter if you seem completely crazy for doing it (I fear I do, haha). What I decide affects others' lives a minuscule amount. But it affects my life 100%.

Thanks to all who encouraged me to pursue teaching . . . sorry I won't be taking your advice, at least not at this time. I have no doubt that it's a great career for some people . . . but at this point it's just not what I want to do.

In any case, I'm looking at another very promising path right now. I wouldn't have backed out if I didn't have something attractive to pursue instead. I think I'll hold off on talking about it until I get a little farther, but at this point in time I feel MUCH better about it than most of the other things I've looked at. Kind of strange how I'm holding back on an anonymous blog. Anyways, how do I know this same thing won't happen again? Well, for one I'm determined to NOT let this become a recurring pattern. I know it might seem that I'm just reacting out of fear, and I admit that fear is certainly a factor. I will try to work on that. But really, I do honestly believe that there are real reasons why the paths I've flirted with up until this point were not right for me. The path I'm looking at now has some key differences from academia and teaching that I've realized are very important to me. More to come about that, once I start moving forward.

I wish there was something as exciting to report on the sexuality front. There isn't really. I just continue to monitor my feelings and stay attentive to any feelings of attraction I might have to people I interact with. I was actually quite attracted to the waiter at lunch today. He made eye contact with me a couple of times and each time it was a little exciting. Gives me hope that maybe, just maybe, I'm not as asexual as I've feared myself to be. Perhaps in the right context I can feel what so many others feel so strongly.

Anecdotes

I was thinking a bit more about the conversation I had with my friend a few weeks ago. One thing I thought was funny: she said that I "come across as asexual." Haha. Reminds me of the one roommate I had a year ago at a grad school recruitment weekend who said I was "hard to read."

This past week I attended a debate between an evangelical Christian and an atheist. It was pretty interesting, though it accomplished about as much as such debates usually do (not much). It would have been better if the atheist was as good of a speaker as the Christian. Throughout the debate I had my eye on a college guy in the row in front of me. He looked pretty young, probably 19 or 20. Very good looking. He would often snicker at things the Christian said (he said a lot of humorous things, few of them intentionally so--not that I think all arguments for religion are silly, just many of the ones he used). After the debate the college guy left while I lingered for a bit, hoping to strike up a conversation with someone since I had come alone. Alas, no opportunities really presented themselves. One of the Christian's companions did hand me a little booklet though. It was a little comic strip about the evils of homosexuality. I generously donated it to Mr. Trash Can.

Once I walked outside, I noticed that the college guy was standing by the building next door, seemingly waiting for someone. I decided to approach him, asking him if he had attended the debate (even though I clearly knew he had, haha). He was really nice, and we chatted for a few minutes. The conversation started to dwindle and he appeared ready to leave, so after introducing ourselves we parted ways. A couple thoughts came to my mind. 1) What the heck was the point of swapping first names and then leaving, never to see each other again? 2) It was good practice striking up conversation with random people. I don't think he was gay or anything, but I have been wrong before. Kind of an anti-climactic anecdote, I know. But all of these little happenings that suggest a direction in my orientation are helpful to compile.

Another one: a few days earlier I was eating dinner at a small place when a guy walked in. I could see out of the corner of my eye that he was wearing a tank top and was quite buff. I couldn't get a good look at him without turning my head though, and I didn't want to be obvious. After ordering he stopped behind me at the counter, gathering napkins and stuff. On the other side of him was the drink dispenser. So, I quickly downed my water (which was nearly full) just so I could get up and refill it, thus giving me a chance to look at him (hotness confirmed). I don't think I would have done the same with a girl.

Still, such occurrences aren't usually accompanied by stirrings in the nether regions or thoughts of passionate romping. For those of you who might read this who consider yourselves to have a normal sex drive, would this be the case for you if you saw a hot guy in public? Would you imagine him naked? Would you get aroused?

Marching on (pun intended)

Well, I got accepted to the teaching program. I'm trying to psych myself up about the profession, but me being me, there's still a lot that has me worried (especially with what's been going on in Wisconsin). Still, I greatly want a meaningful career and not just something boring that pays the bills. And I won't force myself to stay in it if after a few years I'm unhappy for some reason. I've been studying for the CSET, which has reminded me of how fascinating biology is as a whole. The past couple of years I haven't really thought much about topics such as evolution, molecular biology and genetics. Revisiting that stuff reminds me of how amazing life really is. While browsing at Barnes & Noble today I came across a Manga guide to molecular biology. It was basically an anime-style graphic novel in which the characters explain topics ranging from cell structure to DNA transcription and translation to bioengineering. Whatever it takes to get people interested, I guess, haha.

On the other front, I'm still debating my next move. I'm thinking of asking my friend to accompany me to a gay bar or something, just to see what I think of it. I really REALLY wish I had more of a sex drive. I was watching YouTube videos of various guys and their coming out stories, and so many of them said things like, "I knew I was gay since I was about 12" or "I started having sexual thoughts about guys when I hit puberty." Most of them seem to have never questioned WHETHER they were gay. It was simply a matter of accepting it and being open with it. I would love to be able to unequivocally say I'm gay. My asexual tendencies are rather paralyzing. For those who don't know what I mean when I say that, I mean sex is not a driving force for me. I don't crave it, I don't fantasize about it, and as far as I can remember I've never desired it. I'm not opposed to it, but since I'm not particularly driven to have it I worry about what it would be like to try to date someone with a normal sex drive. Men are generally more sexual than women. Gay men are already dealing with a much smaller dating pool then straight men. What would a gay-leaning asexual be left with? Is a greater physical attraction toward men reason enough to date them if you don't really desire sex with them? Of course, someone suggested in a previous comment that sometimes desire can appear in the proper context. Hopefully that's the case with me.

A friend indeed

I actually have something to report. I "came out" (if you can call it that, since I don't even know what to call myself) to my only female close friend. We've been meeting up semi-regularly. I'd been wanting to talk to her about it for some time now, but the occasion never seemed right. I was hoping we'd be driving somewhere together so I'd have some alone time in the car with her to talk about it, but instead she wanted to meet up at the mall. We ended up staying fairly late, though, and we found a table in a pretty deserted area so I felt comfortable enough to open up. I started off talking about my asexual tendencies, about how I have a hard time conceptualizing sexual attraction and have always felt different because of it. Later I acknowledged that I have experienced physical attraction and even crushes on guys, and more emotion-based crushes on girls. I've known her since kindergarten, but this has actually made me feel closer to her than possibly ever. She was very sympathetic, and encouraged me to continue to explore to figure myself out. I'm glad I finally did that. I'm not one to talk about sexual topics with friends, so just being able to do that was also a step for me.

Just knowing that I have a couple of my closest friends who I can talk about this to in confidence is huge for me. First my cousin and now this friend. I don't plan on spreading it around much farther though, not before I do a little more soul-searching. Once (if?) I'm sure at some point, then I'll make it known.

One thing we talked about was my use of the word "hot." I rarely use it to describe girls. They can be pretty, beautiful, cute . . . but usually not hot. I can more confidently use it to describe good-looking guys, though. Just another sign that my physical attraction compass points that way.

She wondered if perhaps I have some kind of mental block against objectifying women which prevents me from being physically attracted to them. That's actually something I've considered in the past, but I don't know.

Anyways, it feels good to have made a bit of progress tonight.

Goals

Still chuggin' along. I submitted my application to a teaching program so we'll see what happens. I spoke to my friend who attended the same program a few years ago, and he had encouraging things to say. In the meantime, I'm trying to work on myself. I'm trying to really nail down what my major life goals are, because for a while I was feeling completely passionless and I did not like it. I want to want something. One thing I do know I want is a balanced life. I don't want my life to be completely dominated by my career. I also want to make sure to devote time to my personal interests.

One interest I've always had is creativity. I used to love creative writing as a kid. I would also put on puppet and magic shows for my parents and make little movies on my computer (this awesome software called 3D Movie Maker . . . so fun!) That craving for creative expression never went away, though it was submerged at times. In recent years it has come out in several ways. I resumed creative writing 2 years ago (still haven't finished the story, I still need to do that). I occasionally attempt to compose music (mostly just coming up with riffs on the guitar, and sometimes a bass line to go with it). I've even tried my hand at writing song lyrics, something that I never thought I could do before. I think it would be fun to take a class in acting or improv. I also take great pleasure in the creative pursuits of others, whether it be in the form of movies, TV shows, video games, music, YouTube videos, websites, etc.

As fascinated as I've always been with creativity, I don't think I would want to try to make a career out of it. When I was a kid, I wanted to be an author. Now that I'm an adult and know more about what a career as an author would actually be like, I'm content to keep writing as a hobby. Still, it's important to me that I continue to find time for creative pursuits, so there's a goal. Hopefully teaching will provide me with the kind of balance that will allow for that. I know it can be a pretty consuming profession the first couple of years, but hopefully once I get the hang of it I will be able to have the balance I desire.

Not to say that by choosing teaching I am compromising my true interests. Teaching has also been something I've long thought about, and education is something else I would call a passion.

I am a bit nervous about the prospect of being a teacher and having a gay relationship, should that be the way I go. But I do tend to get ahead of myself. First thing's first, after all. I really am going to have to test the waters, and soon. I don't feel like I have much of a sex drive, but I'll never be able to know for sure unless I actually go and interact with people. Yes, I know, I've said this before.

So maybe that can be another goal . . . go to some (nonlocal) gay bar or club. At least once.

"Ace" of hearts

One more quick post . . . it didn't quite fit with the year in review, haha.

My most recent explorations into the topic of sexuality have led me to read a bit more about asexuality. I find myself relating to that more than any other orientation lately, especially since learning that they can prefer one sex over another when it comes to nonsexual attractions (physical, romantic, etc.) When it all comes down to it I really can't think of any times that I've experienced what I would call sexual attraction, and even if I had, it definitely doesn't have the level of importance for me that it seems to have for most people. My attraction to guys leads me to like to look at them . . . and perhaps want to talk to them . . . and that's about it.

An ironic thought occurred to me today. If the "Exotic Becomes Erotic" theory is true, then the reason why I have a physical attraction to handsome/fit guys is because I felt different from them growing up. What if the reason I felt different was my lack of sex drive? What if, paradoxically, my lack of sexual attraction caused my same sex physical attraction? Who knows, I just thought it was a pretty funny idea.

I still have some sort of attraction to girls, I think. It's not sexual. The physical element is not as strong as for guys. I guess maybe romantic/emotional, as I've guessed before. So still not sure whether a relationship with a guy would be right (especially since they tend to have higher sex drives). It seems asexuals in the area have had meet ups before. I might have to look into that.

Year in review

Today is 1/11/11. Crazy.

Know what else was crazy? 2010. Talk about a roller coaster.

Started out fun, if nerve-racking. January and February were all about interview weekends for PhD programs. Seeing cities I'd never seen before like Philadelphia and Houston, and meeting more people in a short span of time since freshman year of college. Overall, great experiences.

March and April: My plans to attend UCLA are shattered with an unexpected rejection. My realization: as much as I should want to go to Philly to see this PhD thing through, I really don't want to. I've lost confidence in a PhD being what I want to do, and moving to the east coast for something that I don't feel passionate about doesn't seem like the thing to do. Since I can't do a close-to-home trial period anymore, suddenly the costs seem to outweigh the benefits. I decide to defer. I research pharmacy careers.

May: I decide to un-defer. I can't let fear and indecision rule my life, and it's a great opportunity! I travel to Philly, pick out a place to live, and come home. I still feel bad. It gets worse. I get very depressed. This cannot be the sign of a right decision.

June: I decide to re-defer. I arrange to sign on to stay at my job for another year and cancel the place in Philly. I am troubled by guilt for inconveniencing so many people, but I feel I need time to look into other career options.

July: I am (thankfully) able to go through with my Eurotrip. The best month of my life. Wow, which of these months is not like the others? :-)

August-September: Back home. Research dentistry careers. Realize that the fact that I never showed any interest in health care the first time around was probably justified. Turn my sights to secondary teaching, which I have long had in the back of my mind but didn't have the guts to seriously consider. Try to adjust to my parents no longer living nearby.

October-November: Research high school teaching as best as I can. Visit my parents in the Midwest, which reminds me how much I miss them. Tentatively start going forward with plans to apply to a teaching program.

December: Ramp up my application to the teaching program. Begin to wonder whether I shouldn't just do the PhD and then do high school teaching after. Decide against it. Turn down the PhD program. Have an existential dilemma, fearing that I am guilty of selfishness for going for a "safer" option than academia. Enjoy a much needed road trip with my parents and visit with my cousins, uncles, and aunts.

Throughout the year: Whenever I'm not struggling with career issues, I still try to figure out sexuality issues. I spend most of the year presuming I am mostly gay, but with a low sex drive. My attempts to keep in contact with my gay roommate from one of the interview weekends are largely unsuccessful. I make the huge step of "coming out" (as questioning/asexual/sorta gay) to my youngest cousin, who is also my closest confidant. I meet up with a fellow blogger. I continue to periodically see the counselor, though mostly about the career issues.

Anyways . . . bottom line is . . . I am in a completely different place than I was a year ago. Still, I survived. I learned new things about myself (good and bad). I've learned important life lessons and had some amazing experiences that I will cherish forever. I've had some emotional lows that, though unpleasant to experience, I learned from. Heck, I feel like my whole world view, my philosophy of life has shifted. It's a work in progress, I'm still trying to sort things out. But now I realize, more than ever, that life is a journey. There are no "right" or "wrong" paths. Everyone's different, just because you perceive that "most people" might choose one thing doesn't make it right for you, and what's most important in the end is that you remain true to what's important to you.

Thanks to all you guys out there for bearing with me!