Following up

Thanks guys for your comments on the last entry. I was second guessing myself after posting that but decided it was how I felt, so it needed to be said. It's pretty crazy how one's mindset can change. Some days I am almost to the point of declaring myself gay, other days (like the last couple) the doubts come back and paralyze me. It doesn't make it easier that I'm going back and forth between dealing with this and my career issue. The difference there: that issue I can actually openly talk to people about. I spoke to some coworkers today about my high school teaching idea, and the lingering doubts about whether turning away from academia was the right move. They agreed with my assessment: it's more important to do what you WANT than what you think you "should" do when it comes to choosing your career. The time pressure on that one is more intense though. I've signed up to take the CBEST in December. I'll need to ask for letters of rec very soon. So it looks like time might just make that decision for me, haha.

Anyways, it's all a work in progress.

Frustrations

I am extremely frustrated. I just wish I could experience "sexual attraction" the way that (nearly) everyone else does. I can look at a guy and think, "He's hot." Or I can talk to a girl and think, "She's nice." But there's hardly any sexual feelings, ever. What does sexual attraction even feel like? How would you describe it? If I only had more intense feelings I would have been able to define my sexuality a long time ago. Perhaps it would have been strong enough for me to identify as "gay." I feel that my conservative nature requires quite a large amount of justification before I do that, though, and without intense sexual feelings I don't see myself reaching that threshold of justification. Which leaves me trapped in this purgatory . . . not straight enough to date girls, not gay enough to date guys. I know I'm just going to have to choose, even if it doesn't feel perfect in the end. Yep, maybe for people like me it really is a choice, in the end. I don't have my libido telling me what to do, so it's all up to my head.

You might be thinking, "But B, in the last entry you posted pictures of Taylor Kinney and talked about how hot he is!" Yeah, I did. He is hot. But do I want to have sex with him? Can't say. He's easy on the eyes, that's all I know. Is that enough to go on?

Anyways, I just needed to vent. I know I've been struggling with this question for a long time. Why is it so hard to figure out? I think like with anything it's hard to imagine unless you've experienced it. My cousin didn't even realize intensity of sexual attraction was something that varied between people until I told him about my issue.

Another frustrating incident: I had a conversation with a friend of mine earlier. He's a bit eccentric and socially awkward. He can come across as arrogant and egocentric at times. But he's a loyal friend and a nice guy, so I've been friends with him for quite some time now. Several times he's mentioned this guy in his class, who is apparently gay. Each time he has referred to the guy as "he/she." I let it slide the first couple times, but tonight I had had enough and corrected him. We argued for several minutes, and I was shocked at how reluctant he was to refer to the guy as "he." He tried "they," hoping that would be some kind of compromise that I would accept, but I didn't. I told him that just because a guy is attracted to guys doesn't make him any less of a man. I argued that since gay guys are attracted to each other, by his reasoning that would make them essentially two women. So is he saying that gay men are like lesbians? He's stubborn, but he finally acknowledged that there are different types of gay men, some more feminine than others. We ended with an "agree to disagree." I warned him that thinking of gay men as "women in all but body" was a position that would be very offensive to a lot of people. Hopefully he learned something.

Werewolves > Vampires

I very nearly became a viewer of "The Vampire Diaries." Not only does it star Ian Somerholder, who was part of the main cast of "Lost" (but for only the first season), but it also features a plethora of other very good looking individuals. Tops was this guy. His name is Taylor Kinney, and IMHO he takes over the "Hottest Guy Named Taylor Who Portrays a Werewolf" title. But, apparently they killed off his character recently. Phew, dodged a bullet there. It's already embarrassing enough that with "24" and "Lost" over with, the only shows I watch are on the CW ("Smallville" and "Supernatural" -- both good for eye candy as well).

Signs from the past, and politics

Recently I remembered a thought that had entered my mind a long time ago, I think back in high school. I had dismissed it at the time, though apparently it has been living somewhere in my memory since. I had the image of a guy with big, strong arms embracing his girlfriend. I don't remember exactly, but the sentiment that flashed through my mind was basically, Damn, too bad I'll never get to experience that, meaning being in the girl's position. Note that I had no desire to actually be a girl, and never have. But the thought of the closeness with the guy appealed to me in some way.

Another clue: there was a nickel arcade in the city where I grew up. My favorite game there: Altered Beast. It's a pretty stupid, repetitive, and frustrating game. But I loved playing it. Why? Well, you start off as a guy who has been summoned from his grave to rescue Zeus's daughter. Periodically you'll get attacked by these two-headed wolf things. If you kill a white one, it leaves behind a floating orb that increases your strength if you grab it. This is accompanied by the hero losing his shirt and getting a dramatic increase in muscularity. Another orb increases his musculature to ridiculous proportions (especially considering his head stays the same size throughout). Only after you get the third orb does your character transform into a beast (werewolf, dragon, weretiger, etc.) The idea of the hero being transformed into this buff hulk captured by interest. At the end of every level you would lose your powers, so you could go through the transformations again in the next one. Suffice it to say, this game has been ridiculed as being homoerotic. There's even a Facebook group I found called "Altered Beast made me gay!"

Evidence for the other side . . .

Well, other than the girls that I've had crushes on over the years (pretty much exclusively emotion-based), I can't really think of any instances. If I remember anything I'll be sure to post it.

Sooo . . .

In other news, apparently three judges who played a role in gay marriage being legalized in Iowa have failed to be reelected. Apparently a bunch of "family groups" got together and campaigned against them. I still fail to see how gay people marrying affects straight families. Or how a vote against gay marriage would be considered "pro-family." I can't stand it when groups use language to obscure instead of clarify. If you're against abortion, you're "pro-life." If you're for abortion, you're "pro-choice." Supporters of CA Prop 23 called it the "California Jobs Initiative." Opponents called it the "Dirty Energy Proposition." And any judge who makes a decision that a particular partisan group doesn't agree with is labelled an "activist judge."

I talked to my dad on the phone today and actually had a pretty calm political discussion with him. I asked him about his reaction to the election results. To convey where he stands on the spectrum, I'll just say that he attended two tea party rallies in a single week. He said that he's really disappointed that California elected Jerry Brown and Barbara Boxer. He considers them the worst thing for the state and feels they'll drag the economy down even further with spending. However, I've found some articles online that argue that the economy actually improves during Democratic administrations, and that government spending is actually good for the economy. I'm no economist, but it definitely seems that it's not a clear cut issue.

Ok, bed time.

Party time

I went to a Halloween party over the weekend. I was invited by my friend from high school, who is one of my best friends. The party was at the house his girlfriend used to live at (her friends still live there). According to my friend's estimation, 70% of the party goers were gay. I'm not sure how accurate that is, but there were definitely some provocative costumes (especially one guy who was dressed as a SWAT team officer (the male stripper version of one, that is). My friend's girlfriend does have a lot of gay friends for some reason. Most of the time I spent talking to three people: my friend, another friend from college (a pretty eccentric girl who definitely swings both ways), and her friend that she had brought along. I actually got along real well with this friend of hers (I don't think she was gay, but I could be wrong since they did come together). She was cute, and had a really nice personality. We both love travelling, and both are thinking of going into the teaching profession. We're both at that time of our lives when we're making the big decisions. I really enjoyed talking to her. I often wonder whether the type of attraction I feel for girls in these circumstances would be enough to base a relationship on. After all, physical attraction eventually fades anyway. Of course, being an honest person I would have to be upfront about my stronger attraction for guys. And the chances of finding a girlfriend who wouldn't be bothered by that is probably less than the chances of finding a guy if you're gay.

Anyways, at one point my friend the bi girl started prying into my (lack of a) love life, then decided she wants to set me up with some girl she knows. I HATE situations like that. I would privately tell her the truth, but she's the total blabbermouth type.

As for the gay partygoers, I didn't interact with any of them accept for the one I knew (I'm not interested). There were a couple I thought were attractive, though from where I was I didn't really have a good view of the majority of the people. In any case if I end up putting myself out there experimentally, I wouldn't want it to be with anyone in my extended social network. I almost want to drive out to LA or San Diego and go to a bar or something, but the idea of going alone is . . . not pleasant. Are there even that many straight-acting guys that go to bars? That may be an ignorant thing for me to say, but I really don't know. Just trying to figure out the best way to proceed.

College friend

My desire for a best friend seemed to be fulfilled when I entered college. A guy from my dorm and I got along real well. We had similar interests in music, both played video games, and had similar senses of humor. We started hanging out often. I've mentioned him before in the blog. He's the one who already had a best friend back home, which actually made me jealous at the time. I don't know why it was so important for me to have the best friendship be mutual. Growing up I was always content to call all my friends my "best." Later in the year we made plans to room together sophomore year. Near the end of the year, however, he was in danger of being kicked out of school due to low grades. If this happened, he would have to move back home and I would be out a roommate. This was extremely distressing to me. I felt like this close friendship that I had been wanting for so long was in jeopardy. I had envisioned us being friends throughout all of college. I was aware that I was borderline obsessing about the friendship, and that was one of the earliest times that I questioned my sexuality. Interesting, because usually I talk about my interest in guys as being more in the physical realm. In this case, however, it was definitely more emotional.

In the end, it worked out for us to room together sophomore year. He did get kicked out of school, but he was able to take classes at a local community college. I can't remember even once thinking about him in a physical way, though, even though we shared a room. Over the year whatever issues had led to his academic problems continued to eat away at him, and he began to become reclusive. Even though I saw him every day he was increasingly distant. We were still friends, and there would be times when the old outgoing, fun-loving guy would appear, but for the most part he was a shadow of his former self. By the end of the year he had failed his classes again, and this time he did move back home.

We kept in contact periodically during my junior year. At least once he was the one to initiate contact, which I appreciated (for this and most other friendships it's usually me that has to make the first call). At some point, however, he stopped returning my calls. He failed to answer AIM chat requests. The longer this went on, the more confused and hurt I got. Here was a guy that I had opened up to, who I had considered my best friend, and he was giving me the cold shoulder for no apparent reason. I tried to tell myself that it was because he was going through rough times, that it wasn't anything personal. However, part of me refused to accept that as a justification for his behavior. I eventually stopped trying. We had no contact for three years, during which time I would occasionally think about it and get pissed off again. I felt like it was a loose thread hanging, since I didn't understand why he had written me off. Finally, in 2008, I came across his email address when I was going through something on my computer and decided to try once more. I figured maybe all he needed was time to sort through his problems. I sent him an email, but didn't really expect much. All other times I had tried to reach him had failed.

To my shock, he responded. He apologized for having lost contact, saying that he had had a tough couple of years. We eventually talked on the phone, and about a month later he came down for a visit. Hanging out with him was just like old times. It was like no time had passed at all. Since then I've hung out with him several times (and he even went on my big trip over the summer with me . . . he was the one I started planning it with). Whatever feelings I had for the friendship previously have cooled. I don't know if I can ever fully trust him again, but I still like being friends with him. I actually haven't talked to him since we got back several months ago. I left a message on his birthday and he texted me back saying he would call me that week, but he never did. I don't really care. I've learned to accept that that's the way he is. Still, I'm glad that we reconnected. Now that I know what to expect from the friendship, it works better.

In other news, I watched a couple episodes of "Smallville" tonight with another friend. That show (well, every show on the CW) has a very attractive cast. Though Tom Welling and Justin Hartley are very good looking, I must say that Erica Durance is my favorite cast member. I know I typically have more of an eye for guys, but there's just something about her. A lot of it has to do with her character's personality, I think. That's how it usually works with girls for me. I'll feel an attraction, but it will usually be based on an amalgamation of their looks AND personality. Just looks don't really grab my attention like they do with guys. Watching her made me confused again. Argh.

School daze

I was just watching some of the "It Gets Better" videos on YouTube. It made me reflect a bit. As hard of a time as I've had figuring out my sexuality, there are a couple things I feel I should really be thankful for. First of all, unlike a lot of people, I was not going through this during high school. I did notice in high school that I lacked the interest in sex and porn that some of my friends had, but I just attributed that to being a prude (there might be some truth to that). I didn't begin to question my sexual orientation until college.

I'm also thankful that I didn't suffer very much bullying during my school years. Sure, I got picked on occasionally throughout elementary, middle, and high school, and I could probably name every perpetrator. But I never got beat up, never feared for my own safety, and it never got to the point of me being afraid to go to school or anything. This may be because I never really stood out that much. In any case, I have generally positive memories from high school, or at least the last two years.

Freshman year, I'm sure, is tough for everybody, since you're adjusting to your new surroundings. For the most part it was okay. I mostly hung out with a group of friends from middle school. I was one of four guys in the group, and there were also four girls. By the end of the year, each guy left the group to join a different clique. One joined the baseball team, one began hanging out with the skateboarders, and one found another group of friends. Thus by sophomore year, I was left to find a new group of people to hang out with. The girls all pretty much still hung out together. Occasionally I would hang out with them, but it was weird being the only guy. I started to become friends with some guys from my classes, but they were friends with the two guys who bullied me . . . making it a little hard to hang out with them at lunchtime. I pretty much spent the year bouncing between various groups, all of which I got along with but none of which I felt I really belonged to.

Finally, in my junior year, I made some good friends and became part of a new group. The new group included the same group of girls as before, but three new guys took over the vacant spots (weird, huh?) These three were the aforementioned friends of the bullies, but thankfully the bullies hung out elsewhere. By senior year the new group splintered as well, but this time I remained close with two of the other guys. The three of us hung out fairly often that year. It was the first time since middle school that I had really good friends from school. The two of them were best friends, which sometimes made me feel a bit like a "third wheel." Around that time I decided I wanted what they had. I wanted a "best friend." More next time.