Party time

I went to a Halloween party over the weekend. I was invited by my friend from high school, who is one of my best friends. The party was at the house his girlfriend used to live at (her friends still live there). According to my friend's estimation, 70% of the party goers were gay. I'm not sure how accurate that is, but there were definitely some provocative costumes (especially one guy who was dressed as a SWAT team officer (the male stripper version of one, that is). My friend's girlfriend does have a lot of gay friends for some reason. Most of the time I spent talking to three people: my friend, another friend from college (a pretty eccentric girl who definitely swings both ways), and her friend that she had brought along. I actually got along real well with this friend of hers (I don't think she was gay, but I could be wrong since they did come together). She was cute, and had a really nice personality. We both love travelling, and both are thinking of going into the teaching profession. We're both at that time of our lives when we're making the big decisions. I really enjoyed talking to her. I often wonder whether the type of attraction I feel for girls in these circumstances would be enough to base a relationship on. After all, physical attraction eventually fades anyway. Of course, being an honest person I would have to be upfront about my stronger attraction for guys. And the chances of finding a girlfriend who wouldn't be bothered by that is probably less than the chances of finding a guy if you're gay.

Anyways, at one point my friend the bi girl started prying into my (lack of a) love life, then decided she wants to set me up with some girl she knows. I HATE situations like that. I would privately tell her the truth, but she's the total blabbermouth type.

As for the gay partygoers, I didn't interact with any of them accept for the one I knew (I'm not interested). There were a couple I thought were attractive, though from where I was I didn't really have a good view of the majority of the people. In any case if I end up putting myself out there experimentally, I wouldn't want it to be with anyone in my extended social network. I almost want to drive out to LA or San Diego and go to a bar or something, but the idea of going alone is . . . not pleasant. Are there even that many straight-acting guys that go to bars? That may be an ignorant thing for me to say, but I really don't know. Just trying to figure out the best way to proceed.

College friend

My desire for a best friend seemed to be fulfilled when I entered college. A guy from my dorm and I got along real well. We had similar interests in music, both played video games, and had similar senses of humor. We started hanging out often. I've mentioned him before in the blog. He's the one who already had a best friend back home, which actually made me jealous at the time. I don't know why it was so important for me to have the best friendship be mutual. Growing up I was always content to call all my friends my "best." Later in the year we made plans to room together sophomore year. Near the end of the year, however, he was in danger of being kicked out of school due to low grades. If this happened, he would have to move back home and I would be out a roommate. This was extremely distressing to me. I felt like this close friendship that I had been wanting for so long was in jeopardy. I had envisioned us being friends throughout all of college. I was aware that I was borderline obsessing about the friendship, and that was one of the earliest times that I questioned my sexuality. Interesting, because usually I talk about my interest in guys as being more in the physical realm. In this case, however, it was definitely more emotional.

In the end, it worked out for us to room together sophomore year. He did get kicked out of school, but he was able to take classes at a local community college. I can't remember even once thinking about him in a physical way, though, even though we shared a room. Over the year whatever issues had led to his academic problems continued to eat away at him, and he began to become reclusive. Even though I saw him every day he was increasingly distant. We were still friends, and there would be times when the old outgoing, fun-loving guy would appear, but for the most part he was a shadow of his former self. By the end of the year he had failed his classes again, and this time he did move back home.

We kept in contact periodically during my junior year. At least once he was the one to initiate contact, which I appreciated (for this and most other friendships it's usually me that has to make the first call). At some point, however, he stopped returning my calls. He failed to answer AIM chat requests. The longer this went on, the more confused and hurt I got. Here was a guy that I had opened up to, who I had considered my best friend, and he was giving me the cold shoulder for no apparent reason. I tried to tell myself that it was because he was going through rough times, that it wasn't anything personal. However, part of me refused to accept that as a justification for his behavior. I eventually stopped trying. We had no contact for three years, during which time I would occasionally think about it and get pissed off again. I felt like it was a loose thread hanging, since I didn't understand why he had written me off. Finally, in 2008, I came across his email address when I was going through something on my computer and decided to try once more. I figured maybe all he needed was time to sort through his problems. I sent him an email, but didn't really expect much. All other times I had tried to reach him had failed.

To my shock, he responded. He apologized for having lost contact, saying that he had had a tough couple of years. We eventually talked on the phone, and about a month later he came down for a visit. Hanging out with him was just like old times. It was like no time had passed at all. Since then I've hung out with him several times (and he even went on my big trip over the summer with me . . . he was the one I started planning it with). Whatever feelings I had for the friendship previously have cooled. I don't know if I can ever fully trust him again, but I still like being friends with him. I actually haven't talked to him since we got back several months ago. I left a message on his birthday and he texted me back saying he would call me that week, but he never did. I don't really care. I've learned to accept that that's the way he is. Still, I'm glad that we reconnected. Now that I know what to expect from the friendship, it works better.

In other news, I watched a couple episodes of "Smallville" tonight with another friend. That show (well, every show on the CW) has a very attractive cast. Though Tom Welling and Justin Hartley are very good looking, I must say that Erica Durance is my favorite cast member. I know I typically have more of an eye for guys, but there's just something about her. A lot of it has to do with her character's personality, I think. That's how it usually works with girls for me. I'll feel an attraction, but it will usually be based on an amalgamation of their looks AND personality. Just looks don't really grab my attention like they do with guys. Watching her made me confused again. Argh.

School daze

I was just watching some of the "It Gets Better" videos on YouTube. It made me reflect a bit. As hard of a time as I've had figuring out my sexuality, there are a couple things I feel I should really be thankful for. First of all, unlike a lot of people, I was not going through this during high school. I did notice in high school that I lacked the interest in sex and porn that some of my friends had, but I just attributed that to being a prude (there might be some truth to that). I didn't begin to question my sexual orientation until college.

I'm also thankful that I didn't suffer very much bullying during my school years. Sure, I got picked on occasionally throughout elementary, middle, and high school, and I could probably name every perpetrator. But I never got beat up, never feared for my own safety, and it never got to the point of me being afraid to go to school or anything. This may be because I never really stood out that much. In any case, I have generally positive memories from high school, or at least the last two years.

Freshman year, I'm sure, is tough for everybody, since you're adjusting to your new surroundings. For the most part it was okay. I mostly hung out with a group of friends from middle school. I was one of four guys in the group, and there were also four girls. By the end of the year, each guy left the group to join a different clique. One joined the baseball team, one began hanging out with the skateboarders, and one found another group of friends. Thus by sophomore year, I was left to find a new group of people to hang out with. The girls all pretty much still hung out together. Occasionally I would hang out with them, but it was weird being the only guy. I started to become friends with some guys from my classes, but they were friends with the two guys who bullied me . . . making it a little hard to hang out with them at lunchtime. I pretty much spent the year bouncing between various groups, all of which I got along with but none of which I felt I really belonged to.

Finally, in my junior year, I made some good friends and became part of a new group. The new group included the same group of girls as before, but three new guys took over the vacant spots (weird, huh?) These three were the aforementioned friends of the bullies, but thankfully the bullies hung out elsewhere. By senior year the new group splintered as well, but this time I remained close with two of the other guys. The three of us hung out fairly often that year. It was the first time since middle school that I had really good friends from school. The two of them were best friends, which sometimes made me feel a bit like a "third wheel." Around that time I decided I wanted what they had. I wanted a "best friend." More next time.

There is no try

I went back and visited my old workplace today. It was the first time I had visited in quite some time, so I told everyone about my big decision to defer at the PhD program. There was a reason I waited so long . . . I had been scared to tell my former boss. He was one of the people who wrote me a letter of recommendation. As is always the case when I talk to him, he was extremely nice and understanding about it. He still thinks I should go, though. He stressed that there are a lot of other things you can do with a PhD besides academia. I talked with a couple of other former coworkers for a while, and many of them had opinions similar to what people told me during my decision process: why not give it a try, it'll be good for you, you can always leave with a masters degree. I was beginning to have flashbacks to March-June. My conversation with one person in particular mirrored my thought process during that three-month period. As much as I enjoy hearing other people's perspectives on the matter, I was not much enjoying that trip down memory lane. But what can you expect from talking to academics about academia, haha.

As far as the "give it a try" argument . . . the reason why that wasn't enough to get me to go through with the program was because what "it" refers to is graduate school. But graduate school is not what I was afraid of. It's the career path afterward, and there's no way to "give it a try" before the 5-6 years of grad school.

I've also had trouble with "give it a try" advice when it comes to the sexuality issue. Partially because I don't even know where to begin. Go to a gay bar? Use a website? Plus there's the knowledge that if I finally did "try" something, there's no "un-trying" it. I need to get over that and learn to accept that it's okay to test the water. That just because you stick your foot in the shallow end doesn't mean you're committed to swimming laps.

At least I've gotten a lot of practice telling people a difficult truth about myself and overcoming fear of disappointing them in order to do it. Every time I've told someone about my decision to defer, it was like "coming out" in a way. To a lesser degree, of course. If my other issue comes to that, at least I'll be somewhat prepared.

DADT

Apparently a judge in California stopped "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" today. That's great news . . . it's such a ridiculously stupid law. All of these perfectly able soldiers being tossed out of the military because they can't bare to live a lie and pretend to be something they're not. Then there's the counterarguments about how this will damage unit cohesion by making some straight soldiers uncomfortably. Hmm, an uncomfortable homophobe vs. a miserable, closeted gay soldier. I wonder whose morale would be affected the most?

I didn't shave over the weekend, and now I'm letting my facial hair get longer than I've ever had it. I'm pretty fickle when it comes to facial hair, so I may just shave it off any day now when I get sick of it, but for now I kind of like it. I've only ever had a goatee and a soul patch before, so experimenting with a beard is definitely new. I was never much of a fan of beards, but certain individuals lately have started to sway me . . .

Two fronts

Let's see . . . what's in the news of my life . . .

On the career front: I have shadowed at the dentist's office twice now. I hate to say it . . . I'm not really feeling it. I fear I may not be able to get this teaching thing out of my head unless I give it a try. The two sticking points: 1) Working with teenagers could either be really fun, or really stressful (or both). I need to find out more about people's experiences teaching I guess, to get an idea of if I could handle it. 2) The pay. I'm not very materialistic, but I do want to be able to afford to live in California, and be able to live reasonably comfortably without having to worry too much about how I'm going to pay the bills. Plus I do want to travel periodically. It seems teachers figure it out somehow, I guess.

To address these issues, I have contacted 1) a teacher I found on an internet teaching site, 2) one of my old high school teachers, and 3) my friend from college who is now teaching high school science. Hopefully what I learn from them will be elucidating.

On the sexuality front: Well, nothing much to report. It seems my progress on this front comes in spurts. I started this blog around the same time as I first talked to my mom about my issues and starting seeing the psychologist. Then, a few weeks ago, I talked to my cousin and met a fellow blogger in the same week. But since then . . . well I've been continuing the introspection game. I just found a blog, http://cashyguy.blogspot.com, that I can relate to quite well. He hasn't posted in a while, though.

I messaged a guy who I met at one of the grad school recruitment weekends on Facebook. He's gay, and I got along with him quite well at the time (I didn't know he was gay until after). I figured he might be a good one to talk to since he's outside of my social circle. He hasn't responded though. Argh, I hate it when people don't respond to FB messages. If you wouldn't answer a message from me, then take me off your friend's list!

I have seen a couple guys that I thought were really attractive recently. One of them was a guy who came to my work to take a tour of our facility. A lady who works in another part of the building was showing him around, but when she got to one of the rooms that my group does work in she didn't really know what to say. So, she came to me and asked if I wouldn't mind explaining it to him. I gladly did, and frankly didn't want the conversation to end, haha. He was pretty tall and seemed fairly built, and was quite masculine, but he was also rather soft-spoken. I found that very attractive for some reason.

Also, today I found a YouTube user who seems to be quite a talented musician. http://www.youtube.com/user/apples33ds He's also gay, and Australian. My favorite accent in the world. Until next time, g'day mates.

Memory Lane

I JUST posted an entry, but some other stuff that I've been thinking about just occurred to me so here's another one, haha. Hey, it's my blog, I'll do what I want!

I'm sure many people who realize they have other-than-normal attractions think back to try to figure out where they began. Well, I can definitely remember a couple of examples.

Going way back to elementary school, there weren't too many individuals that "did it" for me. But I do remember a couple of celebrity crushes. Not that I thought of them as crushes then, but in retrospect they kinda were. They're kind of embarrassing, hehe . . .

Number one: Jonathan Taylor Thomas from Home Improvement. He was around my age. I remember really wishing he lived next door to me so we could be best friends. An innocent enough crush, I suppose.

Number two: Tommy the Green Ranger.

I looked up a "Where Are They Now?" type website about the Power Rangers, and Jason David Frank still looks really good. Jason the Red Ranger was good looking too, but he really let himself go (and no, the rumors of him doing gay porn are not true, sorry).

Billy the Blue Ranger recently came out as gay, and says that he left the show due to harassment about his sexuality. I actually watched an interview with him, it was really interesting. I guess he actually went into a "Pray the Gay Away" ministry and ended up having a nervous breakdown. Poor guy. Society can really screw people up. He seems to be doing much better now.

Those are the only celebrity crushes I can think of from back then, but there were some others in my life. One guy in middle school I can remember being attracted to. In high school there were two upperclassmen and one substitute teacher that I thought were hot (though only realized this in retrospect . . . at the time I thought it was just admiration or jealousy). The sub was the son of one of the coaches, and now he teaches full time at the school. I saw his picture on the school website. Still hot. Of course, there were several girls that I had crushes on during middle school and high school too (but not usually due to looks, more personality), so I didn't quite catch that something was up.

Hindsight is in 20/20, or so they say.