We'll have a gay ol' time

I had a very eventful weekend. Be warned, you might want to break this entry up into several sittings! Ha ha.

Friday night
I attended an LGBT group that my friend Adam invited me to. Adam is the boyfriend of Howie, who I met back in January. It was fun. I met a bunch of nice people. All of the cute guys were taken though :-) One of the leaders of the group was a really friendly guy who seems very interested to hear my coming out story (I mentioned to him that I just came out over the last year). I invited Brody to go to the group as well, and I think he also enjoyed himself. Everyone was asking us if we were a couple. After dinner the group went bowling. Brody and I tagged along but didn't bowl. At one point I was chatting with someone and got into a conversation about my break-up. Realizing I hadn't shared the latest with Brody, I told him about the whole Facebook relationship status thing with Ben, and how I only checked his profile because he had "liked" things on my page. Brody was convinced that Ben had done it on purpose to lure me to his page, but I disagreed. Ben is mixed-up and anxiety-prone, but he's not malicious.

This wasn't the only disagreement with Brody that night. He was also annoyed at me for seemingly ducking him for the past week. He had texted me earlier in the week to have dinner one night. I had already made plans for almost every night (which doesn't happen that often), so I said possibly Thursday before I met up with another friend for drinks. When Thursday came and that friend had to cancel, I let Brody know that I had more time now. He didn't get back to me until late, so we ended up talking for an hour on the phone instead. Well, mostly he talked and I listened. A lot of the conversation was about a medical condition of his, and I understand it has him worried and he needed to talk it out with someone, so I listened. But by the end of the hour I was getting antsy to get off the phone (I'm really only a fan of lengthy phone conversations if it's someone I haven't talked to in a while or a significant other). I finally had to excuse myself when I detected a pause.

Saturday night
I attended a dance party in Long Beach, on the Queen Mary (an old cruise ship that is now permanently docked and acts as a hotel, museum and event venue). The party was in honor of Long Beach Pride, and I found out about it a month or so ago through Groupon. I thought it would be a fun way to have a good time with some of my new gay friends. I drove up with Brody. Howie and Adam drove separately, since Howie had to work early the next morning. Also joining us was the quiet guy I went out with back in February, as mentioned here. Turns out he already knows Howie. The night started out well. We met at the Pike (good old Pike . . . place where I met you-know-who . . . but the more I go there and form new memories the more the spell is broken) and had dinner. Then we went over to the ship around 11. I got confused coming out of the parking structure and misdirected Brody. We got lost for a while until his GPS got us back on track. Finally we made it to the boat. We went up to the top deck where the party was . . . and waited at least 30 minutes to get drinks. It was insane! It wasn't even the only bar either! They didn't have enough bartenders, and what bartenders they did have were horribly inefficient. While in line I glanced over and saw a pretty cute guy also waiting.
After we FINALLY got our drinks, Brody and I went to find the rest of our group. We stood by the rail to start drinking. I needed to finish one of the cups in my hand so I could text Howie and locate him (he's tall, so I was hoping I could pick him out of the crowd, but no such luck.) To my right was the cute guy from the drink line. Feeling brave, I decided to strike up a conversation, especially since we already had that interminable line experience in common. It ended up being a great idea. He was a visitor from out of town who had come to the party alone to give himself something to do. We chatted for a while, I introduced him to Brody, and then Howie came and found us. I invited the out-of-towner to join our group, and the six of us had our little dance circle for the rest of the night. The guy stood by me the whole time, and neither of us were shy about putting our hands on each other when we wanted to say something.
Howie, Adam and the quiet guy ended up staying for almost the whole night (I found out later that Howie didn't even bother to go to bed before going to work, what a trooper! Ha ha). Brody and I gave my new friend a ride back to his hotel and added him on Facebook so we could share the pictures that were taken. He said that he would let us know the next time he was in California.

This is where the night took a turn for the worse. To inform Brody of how I knew the quiet guy, I began to explain how he was the first guy I went on a date with after my break-up. No sooner had the words left my lips that Brody turned on me. He chewed me out for always talking about my break-up, and said that he was at his wit's end. He said he was "appalled" that I told him about the Ben Facebook situation at the social event on Friday, and then didn't listen to his advice when he gave it. He claimed his advice was ignored, going in one ear and out the other. He also said that my fixation on Ben was "abnormal." I experienced an emotion I have not felt in a LONG time, not even during my phone argument with Ben. I was so angry I was literally shaking. I told him that I had not ignored his advice, that I had listened to every word. However, I simply disagreed with his opinion that Ben was maliciously trying to make me jealous. I told him that I valued his opinion, but I was in no way obligated to take it as gospel. His response? He claimed that his advice was better than anyone else's, because he has a network of older gay friends that he consults. He claimed that the kind of behavior that Ben supposedly exhibited was par for the course for gay men. Talk about generalizing! I could not believe his pretentiousness. Echos of Ben's "reinventing the wheel" lecture came back to me. "Here's the thing, Cal, I know these things. I have the experience! Blah blah blah!" I also told him that many other people had complimented me on how I was handling the break up, and that I myself felt I was doing pretty fucking fine, thank you very much! That is the first time I can think of that I've EVER cussed during an argument with someone.

I realized that now was the time I needed to broach the subject, the elephant in the room. I asked Brody what the nature of his feelings were for me. He responded that he had indeed had feelings for me, but those feelings had been quelled by my incessant talking about my break-up. I realized that in my mind I had placed Brody in "the friend zone" and thus had felt comfortable talking with him about my situation. It hadn't occurred to me that he might not be the best person to talk about this with in depth.

I felt remorseful that I had hurt him, but at the same time I was still furious about his behavior. On top of all that, he accused me of ducking him the last week, as if we had some kind of standing appointment to hang out! Apparently since we had hung out 1-2 times a week before that, I was expected to continue, and he was hurt that he felt like a "back-up." At this point it was really hitting home for me that our expectations for our friendship are waaay out of whack.

By the time we reached my house we had both calmed down. I tried my best to explain my perspective. I also told him about how I feel that he tends to dominate conversations. He was shocked . . . apparently no one has told him that before. Although he did say that the other night he could tell I wanted to get off the phone but he wanted to keep talking, so he just kept coming up with more to say! I also told him that I absolutely despise being judged or condescended to. I told him if he ever uses that tone with me again I will be running the other way. At one point he started complimenting me, telling me how he had raved about me to his friends and family back home. He had me in tears at one point. I also told him that, since he first met me while I was in the midst of healing from my break-up, that of course he had a negative impression of Ben. What, would I have spent my time telling him about all the good times of our relationship? I realize now I shouldn't have talked about it as much as I did, but damn!

Well it was 4:30 by that point, and I had a hiking date with Nick the next day! So I hit the hay, and tried not to ruminate too much about Brody. He wanted to have dinner the next day, so I said okay . . . thinking it would be an opportunity to see how our "discussion" affected our friendship.

Sunday
Luckily, Nick also had a late night. In fact, he had an even later night than me! He had gone to a party and hadn't left until 6 AM (with some napping mixed in there). I drove to his place and we drove down to the beach to go walking. I like this guy! We have good rapport, he has a good sense of humor, and he's really cute. Plus he's smart and into science. We are also quite different though. He's from the Midwest, and he has a lot of stereotypically masculine hobbies like hunting, fishing, and camping. But he also likes movies and music (though his favorite genre is country, we have some overlap in rock). One thing that would normally be a red flag: I saw a pack of cigarettes in his car. But I don't know, I didn't smell it on him or in his car, so it might just be an occasional thing or he might be trying to quit. I'll reserve judgment there. In any case, we had a fun walk and then went and got food at a place that I knew from a previous date. While sitting across from him I noticed that his eyes are a really beautiful shade of blue, so I complimented him on it. A first for me on a date, haha.

After lunch we drove back to his place and talked in the car for a while. I said we should hang out again soon, and he said he'd like that. No text from him immediately after like on the first date, but that's more of a first date thing, really. Down side is I'm not sure whether he's still interested or if I did/said anything to throw up red flags for him. I did tell him that I just came out over the last year, and that I've had one relationship of eight months (but didn't tell him when it ended). He's been out since seventeen. He actually said that politically he leans to the right, but I assume that's more on the fiscal side of things. I consider myself moderate so that's no deal breaker by any means, as long as he's not a tea partier, haha.

My current plan is to hang out with him again. I plan to go up to LA this weekend though and have plans every night during the latter half of the week, so it will have to wait until next week. I've kind of been slacking on setting up other dates, so he's really my only prospect right now (well except for the far-away guy that texts me periodically . . . he's very interested but I can't say I feel the same, especially now that I remember what it's supposed to feel like when you're interested, haha).

The last event of Sunday: dinner with Brody. I can't say I was feeling very enthusiastic. Our conversation was pleasant, and did feel a bit more reciprocal. I'm not sure if it was a conscious effort on his part or not. Then after dinner he asked what night during the week I might have free. I told him I didn't know, I'd have to check my calendar. Inside I'm thinking really Brody? We just saw each other Friday, Saturday and Sunday. And you acted like an ass to me Saturday night.

I have two options to move forward with Brody.
1) Have a talk with him like I did with my friend Tom way back when. Explain to him that the friendship dynamic is feeling lopsided and I need him to tone it down. I'll ask for a bit of a break from hanging out, and when we resume make it more like once a week, tops. Tom was very understanding when I had such a talk with him, but Brody has the added complication of being gay and likely having some lingering feelings for me. He's at least using me to fill some of his emotional needs. What he really needs are more friends. Or a boyfriend.

2) I can do something I haven't had to do since middle school . . . cut off the friendship. This could get ugly, and would definitely hurt him. But if the friendship is an emotional drain at best, and makes me angry/sad at worst, I've got to do something.

I think Option 1 is feasible. I do like Brody. He's a nice guy, if a bit odd. If I can get him to accept giving me a bit more space, we could perhaps make this work. I'm not sure.

Phew! If you've read this far I congratulate you! And I have even more to talk about, but I'll save it for another time. Good night!