Happy Coulda Shoulda Wouldaversary!

Dating has dried up. Alex hasn't been in contact, although he did accept my FB friend request. I did not get the impression that he's particularly into me. Oh well. I'm chatting with a couple of new guys lately.

I've still been hanging out with Brody quite a lot, but I'm even more sure that I don't see him as relationship material. We're just too different. While I do enjoy his company and he is a super sweet guy, the conversation dynamic is still just too unbalanced between us. I spend way too much time listening and nodding my head. Also, our intellectual interests are quite far removed. Though he does like science, he also believes quite strongly in the paranormal. A mild belief in the supernatural is fine. Ben professed a belief in some type of ghosts on occasion. Brody, on the other hand, believes that he has experienced multiple supernatural occurrences in his life, and professed an annoyance for "skeptics." I personally consider myself a skeptic (in fact, I attended a freethinker/skeptic/atheist conference with Janice on Saturday, it was quite interesting), and I think I might find such a passionate belief in the supernatural to be a little annoying. Brody hasn't pushed for taking our friendship any farther, but if he does I will probably politely decline. Of course, he is generally enthusiastic about relationships of any kind, so he might not even desire that at all. Who knows. As of now, I've been enjoying getting to know him, and he has definitely been helping me relieve my loneliness and get over Ben.

My ambitious plan to fill Cinco de Mayo with fun activities didn't pan out. I don't remember if I wrote about it on this blog, but since Cinco de Mayo would have been my one-year anniversary with Ben, I wanted to distract myself all day long. Between the food festival, frozen yogurt, improv show, and drinks at the bar last year, Cinco de Mayo was a blast. I wanted this year to compete. However, an unexpectedly crappy change in weather put the kibosh on my beach plans with Brody. However, even though I ended up spending most of the day doing chores and watching TV around the house, I actually didn't mind. I realized that trying to compete with last year would have made the day all about Ben. However, instead it was a normal day, and I actually felt pretty good for most of the day.

That was then. As is always the case, it's when you finally feel like you're making progress that something comes from behind and nails you.

Today I noticed on Facebook that Ben had "liked" one of my statuses from last week. When I first saw it I had quite a powerful reaction in my gut. This was the first time he's made any kind of "like" or post on my profile since the breakup. Guess he still has the power to trigger me. Bummer. Still, after talking to Janice over the weekend about him I felt like I had made a lot of progress toward forgiving him for the hurt he had caused me, and also toward accepting that his feelings are gone and aren't coming back. I had earlier even posted the song "Forgiveness" by Collective Soul on my wall to signify my progress. So I decided, since he had made this small semi-contact, to check out his profile page to see what he's been up to.

As of May 3rd: "In a relationship with Daniel Newguy."

I think I took it alright at first. Hey, at least since I removed him from my newsfeed I didn't see it the day of. If that had happened I would have known on May 5th. Of course, it hasn't left my mind since. My main negative reaction has been along the lines of "No fair! Why is it so hard for me to find someone else I click with, while the jerk who blindsided me finds someone almost immediately?"

I'm trying to be happy for him. Despite the fact that it is just over 3 months since he dumped me. Despite the fact that not long ago he was on OkCupid listed as "straight." Despite the fact that I am MAJORLY skeptical that this relationship is going to last. He couldn't have possibly resolved his issues by now, and even if he feels more of a "spark" with this new guy then he did with me he's bound to still experience anxiety and doubt in a couple months if he isn't already. And I doubt he has magically learned good relationship communication skills in the last 3 months. Nor has he reevaluated his limiting relationship beliefs and begun to put more weight on compatibility, common interests and values, and similarities in temperament over buzzwords like PASSION, SPARK, and CHEMISTRY (although I am softening on chemistry . . . I understand what it means to me and we had it in droves. I don't care what he says.) God speed and good luck, Daniel Newguy. May you get out of the relationship relatively unscathed, unlike some of us.

I spoke with Janice on the phone and she agrees. In fact, she unfriended Ben when she saw his relationship status change. She feels it was a total dick move to declare his new relationship two days before Cinco de Mayo when he knew the significance of that date to me. She has a pet peeve for people not acknowledging the importance of certain days to others. Granted I wasn't following him on Facebook so I wouldn't have known, but he doesn't know that. I find it quite humorous that she is more mad about it than I am. Maybe I'm just getting desensitized by all of the curveballs that Ben has thrown at me since the breakup. Signing up on the dating site within a week, rejecting my month-after olive branch and limiting me to once-a-month contact (which I haven't done since mid-March, I'm not interested in jumping through hoops to be his friend), talking condescendingly to me like Tom Cruise in an interview with Matt Lauer, switching his dating site orientation from bi to straight to gay, having his best friends come visit and excluding me from finally meeting them (I know that's to be expected, but it still hurt), telling me in an email about coming to my town without having dropped a line (why was that necessary?), and now jumping into another gay relationship. Phew.

So as of right now, my willingness to pursue friendship with Ben has taken yet another hit. It's a shame since I think we have the potential to be great friends, but right now I can't think of him as much other than an impulsive, erratic, self-serving jerk. Intellectually I know this is not true (well the impulsive part definitely is). But until my emotions calm down I see nothing but negativity and frustration coming from him. That, and the fact that he has a new boyfriend complicates things.

I can think of only one song that is appropriate for this entry.

PS Ben, if for some reason you read this (despite your assertions that you would no longer read my blog), I apologize for the harsh words. This is definitely the harshest I have been to you. It is my opinion that you are not ready for another relationship. You need to do some serious introspection and maybe seek counseling to understand what happened with us first. I am really worried that you are just going to hurt this guy like you hurt me. You deserve a quality, lasting relationship, but jumping into another relationship right after screwing up the first one is not the way to go about it. Please think of the new guy's feelings, and if you have any doubt about him LEAVE HIM NOW before he gets devastated later.