So . . . not much new in the past couple days. Still working on letting go of my anger and getting back to the "peace of mind" I was feeling after the first conversation. The time of year complicates it a little bit . . . it was a year ago that I first met Ben. Sad that what could have been such a happy occasion is instead such a melancholy one. I'm not looking forward to Cinco de Mayo (what would have been our 1 year anniversary).
My latest theory about the break up, which I have adopted to try to reduce the cognitive dissonance it creates in my mind, centers on Ben's anxiety problems. Basically, I think he started out serious about the relationship. But a seed of doubt somehow got planted in his head. Instead of the healthy approach, which would have been addressing it with me, he buried it and allowed it to sprout and grow. His perception that I was fully gung ho about the relationship while he was not started to create an unpleasant anxiety response in him, especially when I showed affection or verbalized my appreciation for him. Eventually, this anxiety overrode any positive feelings and made the relationship unsustainable on his end. When I tried to bury the hatchet and smooth things over last week, what little contact I initiated (text, email, Words with Friends), triggered that same anxiety response and reminded him of his guilt. He decided to request that we continue keeping our distance, but unfortunately in his attempt to sound authoritative in his email he instead came across cold and condescending. Which pissed me off and led to our heated conversation, during which he accused me of trying to "reinvent the wheel."
Well, now many people have weighed in on the situation. I think we were both in the wrong. He was wrong to be so rude. There are many ways he could have requested that I slow down with rebuilding the friendship without coming across as patronizing. He was also wrong to overreact to my attempts to start the relationship off on the right foot . . . though I understand it was more of a preemptive move on his part. He was afraid the contact would increase if left unchecked. I was wrong to jump the gun and think that we could start being friends so soon after the break up. I was willing to give it a try and assess my feelings as I went . . . which is the right approach . . . but it was just too soon. I was also wrong to assume that I was the only one that had healing to do, that it was completely up to me when it was time to be friends. Though it goes against my proactive nature, I need to just step back and let things run their course. I have other things to attend to in the meantime. Other friends. Dating. Work. Figuring out what my next step should be career wise.
So . . . dating. I've been meeting up with guys from the dating website. Four so far. It seems like I generally like the guys this time around better than last year. I think it's because I'm being more discerning. My goal is no longer just to get dating experience and try things out. Now it's to see if there's other guys out there that I can really click with, as friends or otherwise. The emphasis is definitely on friends for right now.
Two of the guys I've met up with were actually carry overs from last year, guys that I had chatted with online but had never met up with. Both of them were really nice. We had great conversation, and they were pretty attractive. Especially the second one. I'll call him Alex. Really fun guy. We had dinner and got a drink afterward. I'm not sure how much he liked me in person as the level of contact has dropped off, but I texted him and he was open to meeting up again. He's about to change jobs though so he's pretty busy at the moment.
Yesterday I met up with Guy # 4. He kind of surprised me. From his messages and profile he came across as quite jovial and gregarious, but in person he was a little more serious. Still very talkative and inquisitive, though. We had great conversation that lasted well past dinner. He's in the process of applying to grad school though (ugh), so he might not be sticking around much longer. I did like him, and we talked about going hiking at some point.
I LOVE hiking. Absolutely my favorite thing to do on a date. And so many guys like to do it too! It's great, you get to explore, be in nature, and get to know someone at the same time. I've been talking to this really nice guy, I'll call him Kenny, and have made tentative plans to meet up for hiking soon. He's pretty young . . . 5 years younger than me which is about as young as I'll go. The range I've been working with is 5 years younger to 5 years older. So basically, I'm looking for guys that were also born in the eighties. Kenny just makes the cut :-)
In fact I just paused in my typing of this to respond to Kenny's latest email. Turns out he's a bit hesitant to meet in person because he just got out of a break-up. Well what do you know. I told him I'm in the same boat, so there's no pressure.
1 comment:
It's good you are taking other steps to fill the void. These activities will provide a welcome distraction because when you start to dwell too much on what Ben has done and try to replay your own actions, it's going to make you sad.
Having that distance from everything will make you appreciate the good things you got out of this first relationship and in time the bitterness will fade -- both for you and Ben. You both are still hurting in your own way and you need that emotional vacation in order for you to relearn how to rebuild that trust and that future friendship you both say you want, but are not yet ready for.
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