Thanks for the comments/texts/emails about the last entry. It makes me feel better to hear other people say that my contact was not excessive. I certainly didn't think it was at the time, but Ben made me feel very self-conscious and embarrassed.
It's been a rough week. I was feeling SO much better about everything after the first conversation, but his email/2nd conversation has really made me slide backward. I've been waking up early every morning and have been having trouble getting back to sleep. The patronizing tone of his email keeps replaying in my head. This is what is best for your healing process, he says, while doing a great job of stunting it himself. It's like he took a sharp object away from me with one hand and stabbed me with the other. Consequently it's now proving to be harder than ever to exorcise the ghost of our relationship from my psyche.
Not that it was his intention to hurt me, as always. He honestly thinks he's doing what's best. Maybe he is. Maybe I tried to rush into the friendship stage too fast, maybe I overestimated my own ability to handle a platonic friendship at this point (not that I was given the chance to even try). I just hope I haven't screwed things up for good.
I can't count down to any closure-seeking conversation this time. I don't know when Ben will reach out. As fan of casey said, it may be a long time. When I spoke to him he said that he would be afraid of leading me on if he called. I told him that's what communication is good for . . . to make one's intentions clear.
While during the first conversation I was glad that I had shared this blog with him, now I am wishing I hadn't. My friend Philip relayed his mom's advice to me: when someone breaks up with you . . . don't let them see how much they've hurt you. I don't know, maybe I was hoping that if Ben read all of the nice things I had written about him, it might touch him enough to second guess himself. Instead, it made him realize just how into him I was, and by comparison just how not into me he was.
I know it's immature, but I feel like yelling at him "You started it!" I was holding back a bit at the beginning of the relationship, when everything was new. Having known that Ben had initially not been interested in me, I was cautious about moving too fast. Once Ben said the magic words "I love you" it was like a green light to allow myself to love him. It's like we were at the top of a waterfall, Ben shouted "Let's go!" but I was the only one to actually take the plunge. I spent my time happily swimming in blissful ignorance until I finally realized I was by myself.
A fellow blogger sent me an email questioning why a friendship with Ben is so important to me. It's a good question. I've never had an easy time making new friends, especially close friends. Making a new addition to my close friends happens maybe once every couple years. So there's that, my perception that people that I click with in that way are so hard to come by. And obviously there is the fact that Ben makes me happy. I feel better about myself when I'm around him. Also, I tend to be fiercely loyal. Despite the fact the Ben broke my heart, he still played an important role in my life this past year. I care about him and want to be there for him in whatever capacity I can.
My tendency to put so much emotional investment in relationships is dangerous. It sets me up for massive disappointment. It happened with Lance and it has now happened with Ben.
I still find myself questioning if I did something wrong in the relationship. If I was too vulnerable, too transparent, too predictable, too anxious.
I don't want to screw up next time I find someone I really like.
2 comments:
You are continuing to hurt yourself with this fixation on Ben as a future friend. Clearly you are so invested in the relationship that even after it has ended you cannot think clearly about it and have created a dependency that you are failing to recognize. You need to cut him out of your life and move on. There will be more friends in the future and another relationship. It may not occur immediately but it will occur. Move on with your life. You cannot continue to beat yourslef up as you have been doing. It is not healthy for you. Ben is and was immature. You are far better than that and yet you keep blaming yourself and fixating on what you did wrong and what you should do because you care about him and want him as a friend. WEll that is clearly ridiculous now. You need to let go of him for your only mental health and well being.
SCal: It's easy for us who not emotionally invested to give you objective advice. We are not the ones suffering and living with regret, replaying the "what-ifs" and doubts that arise from your heartbreaking situation.
As I mentioned before in comments to you, Ben was not just a lover but also a close friend, someone who was able to pull out the best in you and open up new horizons for you. He gave you confidence, he helped ease those doubts, he gave you a hopeful outlook.
It's not easy at all to just give up on him, or give up the idealized view you have of him. So I think I can understand your struggle to want to make things work. Do you have to burn bridges and write him off totally as anonymous suggests above? Maybe not -- but you will need to let go and not dwell on what you had because that's is over. Even if you are able to re-establish a friendship based on Ben's ground rules, it will be different so your expectations will have to accommodate that change.
It's as if you have to relearn how to be friends with him -- though you carry the baggage of the bad memories. So a long break to give each other time for the hurt feelings and the lingering resentment to recede is probably what you need. It does not mean you will never reconcile with Ben but after you have gone through the grieving process, it will be easier for you to move on.
As for future BFs, don't worry about how you will react the next time. You will be a bit gun shy and take some additional steps to be sure before moving on to a more serious stage, but I don't see the point of doing a lot of scenario analysis now. If you go down that path, analysis-paralysis will make you fearful of ever trying another relationship, that might end up hurting you. That risk is always out there but so is the reward of finding a wonderful guy that you deserve.
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