Warning . . . I've got some Ben-related issues to burn off some steam about. If you're sick of me ranting about him you might want to sit this one out, haha.
Last weekend was fun. I went to a St. Patrick's Day event on the Queen Mary, an old ship in Long Beach that has been converted into a hotel. I went with my friend Nina, her boyfriend Jerry, and his cousin. Jerry's cousin was young (about 22 maybe?) but he was a major cutey. Straight though. Nina and Jerry are great company. I haven't mentioned Nina much in this blog before the last couple weeks because she was living out of state. She's back for now though. She's a friend from the dorms who is VERY open with sexuality. Like, uncomfortably so at times, haha. She's pretty frank about her experiences with both girls and guys. She's determined to hook me up.
As is always the case, I spent plenty of time seeing sights that reminded me of Ben. Tends to happen when you were in a very active relationship. The Queen Mary is right across from The Pike, the shopping center where we first met and where we had our six month anniversary dinner. On Sunday I went hiking with some friends on a great trail that I had last done . . . with Ben. Ugh. But, I have to have new experiences in these places. That way the freshest memories that I associate with them won't include him.
On Sunday night I had dinner with Jake the Australian. It was a lot of fun. He is a super nice guy. We had a lot of catching up to do, since it has been about 11 months since I last saw him. We swapped break up stories. Only for Jake, it was the reverse scenario. He was the initiator of his break-up, because he sensed that his boyfriend was really falling for him but he himself wasn't experiencing the emotions he associates with being in "love." We both knew that this was exactly what had happened with Ben and I. Only I like the sound of this explanation better. Much better than saying we didn't have chemistry. Sometimes its all about word choice. Anyways, hearing Jake's perspective made me feel better. It was almost like having a conversation with Ben by proxy. Jake's still not sure whether the "love" feeling is something elusive that he is chasing. He felt it with his first boyfriend, but he's not sure whether it being his "first" had anything to do with it.
Funny how in our last conversation Ben compared me to a drug addict going through withdrawal. He may have a point, but personally it sounds like he's addicted to this elusive feeling. Now that he's felt it he will settle for nothing less, even if a relationship is otherwise perfectly sound. He may be searching for a long, long time.
Early in the week, I learned via Facebook (damn Facebook . . . a blessing and a curse) that Ben's best friend and his husband finally made it over to visit California. There were pictures of them hiking in the Hollywood Hills. This made me suffer a sadness relapse. I've wanted to meet that couple for a year now, ever since Ben first told me about them. Over the past year I have spoken to them myself several times on Skype, and they even bought me a Christmas gift. Now they finally get over here, and I don't get to meet them because I'm stuck in this stupid exile. Before all I was losing was time, which I was (getting to be) fine with. Give Ben the chance to heal, and myself as well. But now a great opportunity to meet a couple that has inspired me is wasted. I knew on an intellectual level that it wouldn't have made sense for Ben to let me know they were in town and arrange a meet up, since he was the source of the request for continued distance. But on an emotional level I couldn't help but feel a bit of resentment build up . . . a little feeling of betrayal.
I went to the psychologist, as I have been doing a bit more often lately for obvious reasons. I explained to her my goal: end this exile period, reestablish the friendship with Ben and move on. Just like the initial month of no contact, I feel like the exile does me little good since my personality seeks closure. I'm fine with gradual transitions, but sitting around twiddling my thumbs makes me anxious. It is in my nature to be proactive, especially when it comes to building and maintaining relationships that are important to me. Staying active works to distract me, but when I'm idle my mind always returns to the goal at hand.
Before I go on: YES I know I'm still fixating on being friends. I value relationships, that's what I do. The 3 year period where Lance dropped off the face of the Earth drove me crazy and I don't want to repeat it. Time dulled the pain, but did not eliminate it. I wasn't truly able to get over him until I reached out and we reconnected. A quote I found today speaks to this: "The wounds of love can only be healed by the one who made them." I know that this type of closure is not always achievable. But that doesn't mean I shouldn't seek it out when it is. If I'm being naive feel free to tell me . . . but do it nicely okay? :-)
Okay, end of tangent. Anyways, my psychologist recommended that the best way to achieve my goal (being friends with Ben and ending this awkward distance phase) is to be proactive, but not TOO proactive. Rather than waiting for him to make the first move (which may have taken a long time), she suggested I email him to keep the lines of communication open, but to keep it brief and superficial. No mentions of the previous argument, no apologies (she doesn't feel I have anything to apologize for). Just a "check in," which is what he said would be okay once a month or so. I want to make sure my contacts raise only positive emotions, not negative ones.
Another quote that I've had on my mind lately: "The one who loves the least controls the relationship." This is totally true. I may resent it, but the fact remains that between the two of us, Ben loves the least. Therefore, he holds the power. If I want to be friends, I have to play by his rules, even if I felt insulted by them. So if he says only checking in once a month is acceptable, than that's what I have to do.
So, I wrote him a brief email. Basically just summarizing my St. Patrick's Day weekend. He messaged back the next day, and I am happy to report that he didn't reject me, haha. Well, I didn't give him much to reject. I asked no questions, made no offers or suggestions. It was just a report. He's doing well. Enjoying his new job. Glad to hear from me and happy that I'm doing well. His friends' visit was great. He picked them up from the airport near me (10 min away!) because it was cheaper, and bought stuff from the bakery we'd gone to a couple times (5 min away!). Knowing he had been so close to me without calling struck another nerve, but I just need to tell myself that it's not personal. This whole exile thing (I call it that because that's what it feels like) is what he thinks is for the best. Maybe he's right. I just want to move on and get my friend back. Screw the rest of what we had. I'll find someone better for that. Someone who has his head in the right place.
In other news, thanks TwoLives for the suggestion of the story CrossCurrents. I looked it up and promptly got hooked. I read all the way up to the college part of the story. It seems the song you were referring to was "More Than Words" by Extreme. I do love that song and have played it before. Tricky song to sing though . . . hmm, I may have to give it a try :-) Other than that the story is good. Very well written. A lot of the characters and scenarios kind of strike me as unrealistic though. Then again, I wasn't a jock or a popular kid in high school so what do I know, haha.
One line in the story really popped out at me. Something about "a relationship cannot occur unless both people shed their armor" or something like that. It resonated because I think that might partially explain why Ben failed to experience lasting feelings of love for me. He definitely was the more guarded of the two of us. I became very comfortable sharing with him, but I'm not convinced he ever fully shed his emotional armor. I know he had some childhood issues that may have limited his ability to do that. Kind of ironic, he is more comfortable with physical nudity than any other person I've ever known. He'll shed his clothing at the drop of a hat, right in front of his friends. When it comes to emotional nudity however . . . he's a tougher nut to crack.
Which brings me back to the boat metaphor he used on me almost a year ago. He didn't think our boat had a rudder back then. I proved him wrong, but eventually the boat died anyway. He claimed it was due to lack of fuel (chemistry, love, what have you). I'm not so sure . . . it's my suspicion that the real problem was under the hood. The engine was malfunctioning. If he tries to take that engine and just put it in another boat (such as by oh, say, dating women), he's likely to get the same result. It's only when he takes the time to look at himself and figure out what's standing in the way of him feeling love for another person that he'll be able to repair his engine and speed off into the sunset. Here's hoping he's able to do that before too long. I would have loved to help him, but that's no longer my place. He'll have to find a new mechanic. I'm done. NEXT!
7 comments:
I think you will continue to feel the conflict between what you think you should do vs. what you feel you want to do. And sometimes no matter what you rationally think, your hurt heart will override your mind.
I can see why you want to reach out to Ben and try to accelerate the friendship healing -- sitting around doing nothing makes you feel helpless. So if these monthly superficial "touches" is what you need to keep going, by all means do them if they give you comfort -- but you have to keep your expectations in check. You still have to let Ben come back to you, if you try to force things, you will just scare him away or build resentment.
As you have acknowledged, you believe him when he said he wants to be friends. I don't think he wants to exile you to be punitive, but to promote both his and your healing.
I'm also not sure you really are ready emotionally to be friends with Ben -- you may think you are ready mentally because you expect things will revert back to "pre-dating" -- but for your friendship to resume, you have to be willing to forgive him for hurting you -- and I'm not sure if you have even thought about that yet.
You are so cute it's adorable. You are like a puppy, you see that nice shoe and you want to take a bite of it. :)
If your shrink told you to text or email, you need a new shrink. Period. You are going to do what you want. I may have misread that part, but you seem like a mildly obsessive go getter to me. Get reinforcement from you therapist, must make you wonder when things don't turn out as you planned.
I can see why Ben chose to end this relationship, you seem like you are a 9-10 in interest level. He probably was always a 5-6. I had the same thing happen to me. I was Ben and I ended it. He never stopped pushing for a reconnection. So I let him back in, but it hurt him more once I moved on. Just FYI. If he moves on you might not want to be buddies.
As a reader of your blog. I want more about you. I like reading about your comings and goings. Time will heal Ben. If not time, then vodka and bourbon will.
I think you should listen to Mariah Carey's obsessed. It doesn't apply. But have a laugh. You deserve it.
PS. I can see you going right back to Ben if he would let you, so cut and paste that last statement you wrote and put it into your calendar to ring next year about this time.
Either you will be friends with Ben. Or Ben will be a distant memory.
My favorite quote, "momma always said, "life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you are going to get.""
Ah, fan of casey, the head vs. the heart. As a straddler of the line between F and T on the Myers-Briggs I experience that conflict frequently. Overall I think F wins.
Anonymous: Hmm. A mildly obsessive go-getter. Sigh. Well, if the shoe fits. If he was a 5-6 the whole time then he really had no business opening the "I love you" door. What, should I attach less meaning to those words from now on?
Sorry for the Ben-centrism of the entries over the past two months. That probably only reinforces my "obsessive" image. Comes with using a blog for therapeutic reasons, haha. You'll notice the frequency of entries dropped precipitously over the 8 months of happiness.
Healing is a roller coaster. I'll have to remember to blog once in a while on an "up" day.
Still not sure I agree with the definitive "any and all contact with exes is bad" philosophy, but it is pervasive in our culture, is I gotta get used to it.
I think you should be very pleased with your progress and with this post in particular. For the first time, I actually believe that you believe that your break-up was caused by Ben's issues and not yours. You've said that before but then you've followed it with statements where you blame yourself in one way or another. NOW you're on the right track. Ben has issues, big issues, that he is not anywhere close to addressing.
Ben was a very important person in your life for nearly a year. It's understandable that his absence has left you wanting to fill that void. Certainly he can fill that void again by reigniting your friendship, but there are other ways to fill that void too: with friends, family, and probably most easily, by finding a new boyfriend. You have a lot to offer. I suggest that you put more energy into meeting new people and see what happens. A rekindled friendship with Ben would be pleasant and all, but it's not going to grow. Until he deals with his issues he's always going to hold back, you're always going to feel that, and you'll always be frustrated by it. Instead of investing more of yourself in him, especially at this time when he can't return the favor, try to invest the time in someone(or some others) who can.
"More Than Words" is the song I was requesting. I wanted you to read the story so you could understand the context. Adam is a wicked-smart guy. He's a professor now. He says the story is fiction but that's only partly true. It's his autobiographical story that he's taken some liberties with, both to make it more interesting and to protect his identity. A similar (but better IMHO) story is "Fraternity Memoirs" by John Walsh.
If you ever feel inspired to share your rendition of "More Than Words" with us, I'd be grateful. I also think it would be the perfect song for you to sing to Mr. Right some day.
Me again -- I think you have to try to do something proactive to make you feel like you tried with Ben, otherwise you will regret not making the effort.
Will it be futile? Don't know, no body does -- but I expect you have to satisfy yourself. If if works out, then you have the friendship you want and you will feel vindicated; if it doesn't then you are no worse off -- altho it's possible that you might alienate Ben more. It also may be a cold dose of reality to help you decide it's not worth the disappointment of trying to pursue Ben, then you will have the closure you need to really move on.
TwoLives: Thanks for suggesting I am making progress. I feel I am too, despite still wanting the friendship thing. I don't think they're mutually exclusive. I definitely plan to take my time on that avenue though. After all, "never treat someone like a priority when they treat you like an option."
Fan Of casey: I agree that being proactive makes me feel better. I am glad I reached out. I haven't responded back to his reply yet and will probably take my sweet time in doing so. This level of proactivity is fine for me for now. I'll give him his time to learn to trust me again. Funny since I'm the one that should have the greater trust issues after all of this, haha. Guess it shows he's much more the anxious one.
I agree, you should wait awhile before responding back, and when you do, keep it short. You don't want to appear overly enthusiastic because that's what seemed to have spooked Ben off to begin with. Also, do not end your response with anything like "hope to hear from you soon" -- that just creates expectations and pressures that Ben can't handle right now.
As difficult as it may be, you have to let Ben want to come back to you, not because of your prodding.
Let time heal some of the bitterness -- hopefully some of the concerns he had will fade a bit and the fond memories of the great times you had together will resurface.
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