I took the MCAT last Saturday. It was really tough, and I don't get to find out how I did until mid-June. I think I did okay, but I'm not sure I reached my target score that would bolster my chances of getting in where I want (namely, California). Oh well, it's done so I'm not going to worry about it.
As for coming out to my dad, I had initially planned to do it at the end of the road trip. In typical fashion for me, I was putting others before myself and not wanting to "ruin" the road trip for him by doing it before. At some point, however, I realized I was being a little over-dramatic, and what would happen instead is that I would be affecting my own enjoyment of the road trip by waiting. I didn't want that cloud hanging over me when I was supposed to be enjoying my time with my parents, so I resolved to do it before we left. Finally an opportunity arose: my mom went to the store (and not so subtly hinted that it would be a good time to do it), leaving me home alone with my dad. Once I pulled his attention away from TV, I set into a long, somewhat awkward story about my progress as a person over the last couple years. My confidence issues, my career indecision, and finally my sexuality confusion, leading up to the revelation that I had been dating guys and was seeing one seriously.
The reaction: he took it pretty well. Very calmly. After my admission we got into a brief discussion about conservatism vs. liberalism, which led to him basically saying that when it comes to social issues such as homosexuality he is a bit more liberal (of course I had to use the L word, he'd never use such a dirty word to describe himself in any way, haha). Of course he still isn't for gay marriage, but it's basically just the word "marriage" that he's stuck on. Anyways, basically we had the conversation and it went alright. His main issue was that he felt like I hadn't tried dating girls enough to know for sure that it wasn't for me. I had trouble responding to that because, well, it's true. I've only really been on one date with a girl. It took me a while to come up with a response: "Well, I think the reason I didn't date more girls, besides lack of self-confidence at the time, was simply lack of interest." In any case, he's not going to pressure me to date girls or anything, it was just a concern of his. Even after the conversation ended though, I was still uneasy. I felt like something was missing.
My dad's not the best communicator, so if you want something from him you really have to ask for it. He won't volunteer much of anything that isn't a diatribe about Obama or a joke. So later, after I realized what had been missing from our previous discussion, I got him alone and asked him: "Dad, if I find a relationship, guy or girl, that makes me happy . . . where would you stand?" His response: "With you, of course. We both want you to be happy." That was it. That's what I wanted to hear.
Everything being out in the open with both of my parents was extremely liberating. I ended up talking with Ben on the phone every night during the trip, often in plain sight of my parents (the one time I tried to get some privacy by talking in the truck led to me accidentally setting off the truck's horn alarm at midnight in a campground we were staying at . . . uhh oops). I was even able to Skype with him several times using my mom's IPad. It was great sharing my travel experiences with him as they progressed, and hearing about how things are with him back home in CA. We had a number of really good conversations. During one of them, I came clean about pretty much everything that I hadn't been forthright with before: including my past concerns about sex drive, the T gel I'd been using (he's going to smell it sooner or later, though I've been refraining use of it on days when I'm with him), and even this blog. He knew before that I had used blogging to come to terms with my sexuality, but he didn't know until now that I still actively blog (and talk about him). He was cool with it, and with everything else. I assured him that everything I've written about him has been positive :-) Who knows, maybe I'll let him read it someday.
I just talked to him a little while ago, he is currently on a plane bound for the east coast, to return in a couple days. I will pick him up at the airport on Memorial Day, and I can't wait. We are both definitely in the infatuation stage of our relationship, haha.
I've selected this entry's song for several reasons:
1. I've just been through Nashville and Memphis, so I wanted something a little country rockish.
2. "Peaceful easy feeling" pretty much describes my state of mind right now.
3. The Eagles are sort of "the band" for Ben and me. We saw an Eagles tribute band together recently, and he has said that all of their songs now remind him of me :-)
6 comments:
Hey man, I only just now figured out you had a blog. Bit slow of me, but here I am lol. I like what I see so far, I'll definitely have a better read soon.
One thing that caught my attention was that you said your father said you didn't date enough girls for you to know that it wasn't for you.
I can relate to that. When I first told my parents they said something similar, but my view on it has been that the reason I didn't date girls was because I wasn't actually interested. I told my mother for example, it would be stupid to say the only reason you aren't a lesbian is because you've never been with women. It's sort of which came first the chicken or the egg. I don't date girls because I'm gay; I'm not gay because I didn't date girls.
That's my take on it.
Cheers man!
Some things you don't need to experience first hand to be able to speak of the expected after effects. For example, I don't need to jump off a cliff to know it's going to hurt when I land -- I can reasonably predict what would happen without doing the act.
Same for you dating a gal -- my friend asked me the same thing when I told him I was gay -- how do you know you don't like girl is you never dated any? Well, I turned it around and asked him "How do you know you are not gay unless you try sleeping with a guy?" Of course, he wasn't going to try to prove a point, so he should not expect me to either.
Anyway, I'm glad your folks love you enough to support you for who you are and want you to be happy. Now that you know you have the support of your family, the anxiety you feel about yourself should dissipate.
I think you should start thinking of renaming this blog now, because you are not mixed up any more. Maybe just change "All" to "No Longer" -- that would work.
That's great you were able to come out to your dad!!! Congrats!!! Enjoy the trip!!!
Hurray! Glad it worked out so well. :-) There may be some bumps here and there, but all in all, it sounds like things went over really well. Keep moving forward!
As for the not dating girls bit, that's kind of a moot point. You could give girls an honest try again and see what happens. But only if you feel like you have something to prove to yourself, not to him. Don't push yourself into doing something you don't want to.
So proud of you man! :-) You didn't tell me you were telling your parents but thats awesome things went well.
Congrats man! I know you were concerned about your dad's reaction so glad it went well. It was the same with my bf's dad: he has very conservative opinions and political view, but when it comes to people he knows in person he totally changes his mind. I wander why somebody can be so conservative in mind but in real life care less about those things, but well good for you and I haha.
Good you told ben about the blog. I think it could be a problem when you would hide it and then he finds out someday. Would cause trust issues I guess. My bf knows about my blog, I've even offered to read it (although there's some things I wouldn't be that comfortable with but still) but he's fine with it. So I can write this while he's sitting next to me doing some 3D-moddeling for fun.
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