Wow. That story sounded frighteningly familiar at times. Especially this paragraph:
"My confidence would swell each time I convinced myself a girl was attractive – and it would crater whenever a guy provoked a much stronger, more instinctive response. I searched for loopholes. What if I’d rather sleep with an attractive member of the opposite sex than an ugly member of my own? Would that make me straight, or at least straight enough?"
I have tried that exact justification before. "Am I really gay if it's only the most attractive guys that I like? There's certainly some girls that I find more attractive than some guys . . ." It's nice to read about other's experiences with doubt over their sexuality.
Now, I am trying to get over any and all of my OCD-type thought processes. No more excessive doubting, no more over-thinking, no more ruminating. And each time I have the intrusive thoughts or regrets (lately it's been a lot of, "I wish it was 5 years ago, i just wish I was 22 again, I'll do it right this time") I try to snap myself out of it. That kind of thing is the path to nowhere.
I'd like to say I've been making more progress, though. I felt good back in July when I reached out to Facebook guy. Unfortunately, he seems to be quite a flake. A couple of back and forths and a live FB chat later, and I can't get him to return any of my FB messages. After he not once, but twice said he would "definitely" meet up with me. And when we ended that FB chat he said we'd "talk soon." So . . . WTF? He's always updating his status so it's clear he uses FB a lot. I sent him one final message asking him if he didn't think it would work for us to meet up to please just tell me so I'm not left waiting. And . . . nothing. SOOOO aggravating. Is he not receiving them for some reason, is he ignoring me, is he forgetful, or just a flake? As it just so happens, it's a major pet peeve of mine when someone doesn't respond to a message, especially after they responded previously. So as is probably apparent by now, it opens the door for more ruminating.
I'm probably just gonna have to forget it and figure something else out. I have another sort-of friend on FB who lives up in LA that I might contact. We'll see.
2 comments:
Sucks to hear about FB guy. I hate it when people don't hold up to their promises/commitments. It's definitely one of my pet peeves.
Sexuality is such a funny thing, I'm coming to realize. It's hard to remember sometimes that there no right or wrong answers to what we're feeling. There's no law that says you have to take a label, so just go with what feels right.
As for Facebook Guy, try not to take it personally. Maybe he has his issues that's stopping him from speaking to you and this is his way of being polite? And if he's just being a jerk, is he really worth your time anyway?
Anyway, if you want to talk, you know where to find me.
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