A little background

Wow, I wasn't expecting to update this so often. I thought I should write a post about where I'm coming from. Note: this entry was edited after the fact, I toned down some of the more personal parts, haha. Plus it was rather lengthy.

I have always been somewhat sexually repressed I guess. I did not have a religious upbringing, but it was a moral one. I grew up under the impression that things like premarital sex, masturbation, and watching porn were wrong. I'm not sure whether my parents actually ever explicitly taught me this, but those were the values I somehow developed. Thus in high school it was hard to relate when other guys would talk about such things.

The result of this was that by the time I started college I had zero experience in the sexual domain, even by myself. I admitted this to a couple friends and they hardly believed me at first. It confused me how it could be so unbelievable. I had never really had the desire to try such things, and had always assumed that was because of my upbringing. College was the first point when I realized it might be due to more than just the way I was raised. It occurred to me that I might actually be different than my friends, as far as sexual interest goes.

Not to say that I've never had a crush on a girl. There's been several over the years, from middle school through college. There were times when I noticed good-looking guys too though, and at times it seems like for me at this point in time there is more aesthetic appeal in attractive guys than attractive girls. It's easier to imagine myself in a relationship with a girl, but that may be due to society's influence for all I know. Similarly, it's hard for me to take the mental leap from thinking a guy is physically attractive to wanting to be in a relationship with one. Bottom line is, I'm rather confused about where I fall on the spectrum. The simple fact that I'm questioning makes me doubt I'm totally straight, but I'm not comfortable putting myself totally on the other side of the spectrum either.

The first time the thought crossed my mind that I might have the potential to be attracted to guys was my first year of college. I became good friends with someone who seemed to be the answer to my wishes for a best friend, someone I had a lot in common with and with whom I felt I could connect on a deeper level. I kind of obsessed over that friendship a little too much, though my thoughts were not sexual. I was even jealous that he already had someone he considered his best friend. I have since lost contact with him. He moved away and eventually stopped trying to keep in touch. It's years later now but I still am not totally over losing that friendship.

Okay, I'm a little happier with this version. Remember when I said I have the nasty habit of second-guessing myself? Here's evidence for ya.