Depressing entry alert. If you don't want to hear me whine you might want to skip this one. But it's therapeutic. So here we go.
Now I'm back to what seems like my baseline state of 2013 . . . depressed and anxious. It sucks.
Hopefully improv practice tomorrow will lighten my mood.
Dating has me frustrated. What else is new? I finally got a hold of Kyle, the Filipino guy that I went kayaking with back in June. He's back from his travels and is open to meeting up. BUT only as friends . . . he's in a relationship now. He met someone on his trip and is now in a long distance relationship. As for Lawrence, the law student who I kissed last week . . . he's seeing someone seriously too. Two friend zones in one day! Bam! How come everyone under the sun but Cal is managing to find a relationship?
I cannot for the life of me get Ben out of my head. It has been nearly seven frickin' months! Get out of my head! I gave up trying to be friends months ago, and haven't had contact with him since the birthday exchange in early July. But images, memories, and feelings still torment me at all hours of the day. Whenever I let my guard down I start ruminating about the hurt he caused me, about the mistake he made driving our relationship into the ground to seek greener pastures, and about the wonderful eight months that I will never experience again. And about the seemingly futile pursuit of a guy who can make me feel the same way he did.
The behavior of certain guys disturbs me to no end. I was ready to write off Eric when he texted me last week and expressed interest in meeting up again (unprovoked). So I let him know this Saturday was free. He said he was free after 2. No further plans discussed. So I texted him today, just asking him "How are you?" No answer. And on my new iPhone I can see that he read it. How can you not answer a stupid little message? What is going through his head? You're either interested or you're not! I give up with that guy. As far as I'm concerned I have no plans on Saturday unless he contacts me.
Then there's always Nick, one of the very few guys I've gone out with that I actually thought was really cute. Two good dates and then nothing. Total disappearance. I can only assume something spooked him about me having lunch with our mutual friend. I don't know why. Maybe something between them. It's been a while now but that rejection holds special hurt for me because it was so unexplained.
And I am still plagued nonstop by sexuality doubts. I know several of you have commented on my past worries that I was asexual. Well, sad to say that they have by no means gone away. I don't have sexual feelings, period. Frankly I'm having a hard time even remembering why I decided to date guys instead of girls in the first place. The loneliness is driving me crazy, and the idea of a larger dating pool is enticing. I once again find myself looking at girls, thinking, "Well, how do I know if I don't try?" I think of my cousins and friends that are happy in relationships and I get so down on myself for being this way. Why can't I just have a clear direction? I desire "someone" but whether that someone should be a guy or whether it could also be a girl I just simply can't say. I feel like it could theoretically be either as long as the feelings were there, like they were with Ben. Which makes me feel like a pretender calling myself gay and hanging out with gay friends. All of these guys have sexual desires that are foreign to me. I feel like fundamentally I'm no more gay than I am straight. Only my history now tips the scale toward gay.
I was actually propositioned by a couple on Grindr the other day. They were in town on vacation and wanted to have some fun with a third. No anal, just hand jobs and blow jobs, and making out. I almost went for it. Even though that would fly in the face of what has been my morality for as long as I can remember. Just because I wanted the experience, wanted to increase my sexual repertoire. Wanted to feel like a normal, hot-blooded sexual guy. Hoped against hope that the experience would cause something to click for me. The guy messaging me sent me pictures of his and his partner's dicks to "entice" me. They didn't do much for me . . . I have feelings for people, not genitals. Anyways the guys ended up flaking out right when I started to warm up to the idea. Maybe it's for the best.
Honestly the improv thing is the only positive development in my life right now. Professionally I'm stagnant and have been for some time. Sure my job sounds impressive when I describe it to people (medical related, working with patients). But I haven't moved up rank wise in the past five years, I still am wishy washy about my next step since med school fell through, and I feel unproductive at work due to my procrastinating tendencies and general mental state. I seem to have lost all motivation for advancing my career. What's the point? Amass wealth for the house, wife, and 2.5 kids that I'm never going to have?
My thirties are rapidly approaching and I just wish I could turn back the clock and relive college again. Back when I was at the same level as everyone else and didn't feel like I was falling behind while everyone else grew up and left me in the dust, still asking myself the same questions I've been asking myself ever since I started this blog.
Who am I?
What do I want?
What should I do?
What do I have to offer anyone?
Will I always be alone?
P.S. I know this was a depressing entry, I just needed to vent. I know about counting my blessings. I have a lot to be thankful for. And after working with patients with some pretty horrible diseases I especially appreciate my health and youth. Please remember these entries are indicative of the mood I am in when I sit down to write them.
3 comments:
Doubts trouble all of us some time in our lives. You should not compare yourself to others -- you just have to satisfy yourself and be content that you have done your best. If you feel you can do better, then strive for that by analyzing where improvements can happen, and take steps towards that.
As for your questions, I expect they were just out-loud wonderings, but let's see how we might answer some of them.
Who am I? You are Cal, you are special and unique in your own way. You don't need the approval of others -- gain strength from knowing you are trying to be the best Cal you can be.
What do I want? Only you can answer this -- but I imagine you want what many people want: a fulfilling professional and personal life, you want some financial security, you want to be happy and spend your life with someone who loves you and you in turn love.
What should I do? Set some realistic goals, develop a plan on how to get there, adapt when challenges block your way, realize that failures are lessons.
What do I have to offer anyone? You have lots to offer, so be yourself, do not pretend to be what others want you to be. But at the same time, be honest with yourself that there may be things you can improve, so be open to feedback, be willing to compromise and make changes that make you even more awesome.
Will I always be alone? No, you have to hope that there is someone out there for you and there is. But you should not measure them against the Ben-yardstick. Those are too high expectations.
Finally there are times where we can create some good fortune for ourselves and other times we just have to wait for the right moment for things to align that allow us to be our best. You are in a funk right now but better times are ahead.
It is tough. There are lots of tries and mistrials to finding the right one. Guys rush so often into relationships. As frustrating as it is to be relationship less and feelign hopeless, it is important to keep trying and get out there.
I totally understand where you're coming from in this post. I'm kinda still there myself. And work is so busy that I don't really have the time to properly sort it all out. :-/
::Hugs::
Post a Comment