It's been an interesting weekend so far.
Friday night I met up with a guy that I've been corresponding with for quite some time. We ate at a really good Italian restaurant and had a good conversation. He's really nice and fun. A little bit on the fem side, but he's quite good looking and we have some things in common. I look forward to seeing him again. He lives pretty close and actually grew up in the area. The most interesting revelation: his best friend is the sister of one of the guys who bullied me in high school. So if I were to date this guy, chances are I'd eventually see that jerk again, haha.
After the date I was getting ready for bed when I got a text from Brody. He was going out dancing at a bar where a guy he knows was DJing, and wanted me to go with him. By then it was already 11 PM and I'm not usually one for such spontaneity, but I decided to go. It was pretty fun. However, Brody threw up some red flags by the end of the night. Through his interactions with some of the people at the bar it became apparent to me that he can be a bit oblivious to social cues, such as when someone is not in the mood to talk. This was further confirmed after we left the bar, when we were talking in his car. By then it was very late, going on 3 in the morning. I was very tired, and dropped a couple hints about wanting to head home. Despite this, Brody still continued to talk.
When we got back to my place finally, it was approaching 4. I am not a late night owl. I get stressed out when I'm up that late. Brody asked if he could use my bathroom before going home, and I said sure. What's the harm? Just a quick in and out. He came in and went in the bathroom. Ten minutes later he was still in there. I listened through the door and heard the water running. At this point I was getting very anxious. What was going on in there? Was he sick? Finally I knocked on the door, and Brody said I could come in. I opened the door . . . and Brody was cleaning the sink and the counter top. I asked him if he had been sick. He said no, he was just a little OCD and decided to clean since the sink and counter were quite dirty. This is at 4 in the morning, mind you. Here I am, waiting to go to bed until Brody has left, and he takes it upon himself to clean the bathroom. I was quite flabbergasted. I told him I was waiting to use the bathroom. He said I could go ahead and use it, he promised not to look. I brought in some paper towels since he had been using toilet paper. After he had used them a bit he asked for me to put them away or else he would continue cleaning. Oh my God, I thought to myself. He wasn't kidding about the OCD thing. I told him he really didn't have to do this, that it was very late. He responded that a "thank you" would have been nice. I told him I appreciated him doing what he did, but it was very late and I needed to go to bed. Finally, he took off.
We had previously made plans to meet up on Saturday, so we did. I took this opportunity to express my discomfort with his behavior the night before. He explained to me that doing "random acts of kindness" is his thing. I told him that even with kind acts there is an appropriate time and place, and I felt that he had crossed the line by keeping me up at 4 in the morning to clean the bathroom without telling me what he was doing. He seemed to think I was making a mountain out of a molehill, but I told him that it had bothered me and I felt I needed to be up front about this. I think I will have to approach friendship with Brody much like I have with my friend Tom. With patience and caution.
Other than that, our conversation was good. He definitely relates to my more companionship-centered view of relationships. He even described himself as asexual at one point. How perfect that would be if it weren't for his other idiosyncrasies. At this point I will (cautiously) pursue friendship with him, but I don't really think he's what I'm looking for romantically. He's just too much on a different wavelength.
Last night the guy I met up with a few weekends ago in LA came down to my neck of the woods to have dinner with me. He's a nice guy, but I don't think the attraction is there for me. I do think he likes me though. Of course. Reciprocity is so hard to find.
The guy I went out with last week (the one who owns his own business) has placed me in the Friend Zone. I texted him to see if he wanted to meet up again sometime. He said that would be great, but he sees us more as friends. That's fine, I'm just glad he didn't use the words "chemistry" or "spark."
So bottom line, I've been keeping busy meeting guys. I'm still confused though. I've definitely learned a lot about myself. I'm still frustrated by how hard it is to find mutual interest. Guys that like me I'm not into, and guys I like aren't into me. I guess that's pretty common. I still occasionally wonder what it would be like to give girls a try. I still wonder whether I would find "chemistry" more often if I was more sexually driven. I wonder whether I shouldn't just focus on career and give up on being proactive in trying to find a relationship. I wonder whether I get too invested in relationships and should just focus on myself. I wonder why sexuality has to be so freaking complicated. I wonder what it was about Ben that made me fall for him so much, and why I can't find that again. After all, he was the SECOND guy I ever went out with. Now I've gone out with more than 20 and he's STILL the only one that had that effect on me. WTF?
5 comments:
I'm totally with you aout how confusing it is!
My two cents (worth every penny):
"I still occasionally wonder what it would be like to give girls a try." Honestly, it's probably best that you avoid women. What can be great and fun in the short-run can easily turn intractable and bad in the long-run.
"I still wonder whether I would find 'chemistry' more often if I was more sexually driven." - Sexual chemistry is all about sex. It doesn't last. Personal chemistry is what it takes to create an enduring relationship. The difference between the two is crucial. You can have great personal chemistry with a woman (maybe even easier than with a man) but even that alone is not enough to sustain a happy, healthy long-term sexually active relationship. You need both.
"I wonder whether I shouldn't just focus on career and give up on being proactive in trying to find a relationship." I've met a number of guys who made that decision in their 20s and are now middle aged. To generalize, I've found that they've invested so much in their career that they don't know how to be good partners. For less emotional types that you, I'd say career > relationship can be very fulfilling, even if they spend their entire lives alone. I doubt that would be satisfying for you.
"I wonder whether I get too invested in relationships and should just focus on myself." Supposedly you have to love yourself before you can love others. You are so relationship-focused that you probably can't go wrong if you made a little more effort to be self-focused.
"I wonder why sexuality has to be so freaking complicated." It's one of the rules of life, like gravity, death and taxes.
"I wonder what it was about Ben that made me fall for him so much, and why I can't find that again. After all, he was the SECOND guy I ever went out with. Now I've gone out with more than 20 and he's STILL the only one that had that effect on me. WTF?" Because he was a good match for you and good matches aren't easy to find. The problem was he wasn't ready for a real relationship and you were. There's nothing you can do (or could have done) to make him ready. Timing can be a critical factor for relationships - it's one of those elements that makes them complicated.
I was told not to bitch about not finding a match until I had 100 dates. Apparently a 1% success ratio is reasonable. I have about 85 more to go. I'm looking forward to doing a lot of bitching when I finally get to zero.
I admire you for standing up to Brody after his whole OCD thing. That's definitely something to write about! LOL
Just goes to show that you have to see people in a number of different settings and situations to get a better read on them. Don't go by first impressions or instinct, collect lots of data about what you want in a guy before taking things further.
While it is frustrating to not connect with someone like Ben again, he only serves as a good role model for the honeymoon period -- it takes time to draw some people out and lower their defenses so you see the real them and for you to feel comfortable just being yourself instead of trying to always impress.
I certainly do not think that dating gals is the answer either. It may provide some novelty at first, but that's not where your heart is.
Love has a funny way of sneaking up on you when you are not really looking. But your chances improve when you still put yourself out there. Just don't put so much pressure on yourself.
Ya know, in retrospect, you can really laugh at Brody's OCD incident. Uncomfortable and annoying it may have been at the time, it's rather hilarious to reflect back on.
Dating is hard. Career is hard. You only have so much energy at any given time. Devote it to where you feel is most useful.
There may be no harm in trying to date a girl or two if you lay the ground rules in your mind very clearly, and have clear objectives of what you're looking for. Otherwise, maybe it wouldn't be such a great idea. But it does linger in the mind, doesn't it?
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