Guess what guys? I'm back with Ben!!!!
Okay April Fools. Sorry, I couldn't resist :-)
Seriously though, the progress I am making continues. He is still on my mind a LOT, but the desire to contact him is diminishing. I actually don't know if I'll keep up the monthly check-in thing. I'm torn about it. On the one hand, I do want to keep the lines of communication open in preparation of an eventual friendship. On the other hand, if its a regular thing I might have him on my mind too much (2 weeks to contact him, okay now one week!) I also don't want to feel pathetic, like I'm jumping through hoops to maintain friendship.
I visited family over the Easter weekend. I traveled up to the California Central Coast with my cousin Roger. His brother, Brad, drove down from Northern California to meet us. We all stayed with our uncle, whom they haven't seen in several years (ever since their dad and him had a falling out). It was an amazing, relaxing trip (well, except for the part where Roger's gas meter was inaccurate and we ran out of gas on the 101 freeway). I spoke at length to several people over the trip about the break up and my conflicted desires to move on, yet remain friends. The advice was mixed. My uncle, aunt, and oldest cousin stressed the difficulty of being friends with an ex, and suggested I just put it completely out of my mind and let it happen on its own some day. Good advice, yet it doesn't sit very well with my proactive nature. I'm used to relationships fading if I do nothing, and I keep the successful rekindling of the friendship with Lance as the gold standard.
Another cousin's girlfriend seemed to relate a lot better to my point of view. First of all, she sympathized with my upset over the sudden break up. She said, "If your cousin broke up with me so suddenly I'd set his motorcycle on fire!" She was joking of course . . . I think. She also cringed about the whole "I feel it will stunt your healing process" email. She agreed with me . . . don't dictate to me how to conduct my healing process, that's my job. As for the friends thing, she had very good advice. She understands my desire to help Ben through his confusion (it's hard to turn off that impulse after all). However, she stressed that I can't be pushy about trying to help him (like I perhaps was when I sent him the link to the online LGBT forum). Instead I just need to demonstrate that I am there for him and let him come around in his own time. She felt the periodic check ins are a good way to show him that. I'm sure with time his suspicion of ulterior motives will also fade.
So on the Ben front I think I'll just put it out of my mind for now. Rather than "monthly" I think I'll just make it the more vague "periodic." Focus on other things. Dating, for one. With the goal for now still being more about making friends then trying to get another relationship. I also need to figure out what I'm doing with regard to school before the new application season starts. Ugh. Fricken' wheel never stops.
No new dates since last time. I've been messaging several people though. I'm trying to set up a meet up with one guy for later this week, though he seems to be a little tricky to pin down as far as a day. We'll see where that goes. I also want to hang out with Brody again sometime this week.
In other news, it was cool to see the flurry of red equal signs on Facebook last week in honor of the gay marriage issue being taken up by the Supreme Court. I jumped on the bandwagon myself. I counted at least 30 of my friends changing their profile picture to the symbol.
I had a bit of a sexuality confusion relapse over the weekend while on my trip. Luckily Brad was there to talk me through it. I started getting really down about the small dating pool for gay men. I started thinking, "Hey, if I'm not really all that sexually driven, would it really make that much difference if I tried dating girls?"
But that would make me like Ben. And who wants that? :-P
Being a fan of analogies and metaphors, I have come up with one to help me put the dating issue into perspective.
Let's say Ben is represented by a Kit Kat bar. One of my favorite candies. I stuck my hand into the Easter basket of dating and pulled out a Kit Kat on the second try. Unfortunately, it fell out of my grasp and landed in the mud. I've now pulled out 16 additional candies (yep, grand total of 18 guys I've dated so far), but no Kit Kats in sight. However, that doesn't mean there was only one Kit Kat in the bowl. Sure, by the luck of the draw I pulled one out almost right away. But the very fact that I did suggests that there MUST be more Kit Kats. I just need to be patient. Or maybe there will be a Crunch Bar or a Twix! Those are good too!
5 comments:
You should consider the possibility that if you have to be the one holding up and holding on to the friendship with Ben, even that relationship may be strained because the same dynamic (you're more into him than he's into you) would be at work. I get that you want to stay friends with him for a number of good reasons, but he's gotta want to do it too. You can't force him, so he has to come back on his own accord because he gets something out of the friendship too.
If it happens, then you will be glad, if it doesn't, then he did not see a reason to come back -- that further rejection will be painful, so it's best not to dwell on it for now. You'll have to rely on hope to make you feel better.
Yeah, I know. I guess I've just learned some things from my interactions in previous friendships. 1. I am usually the one that does most of the work in keeping contact, setting up hang outs, etc. This occurs even with my lifelong friends. 2. If someone does not reach out it doesn't necessarily mean they don't want friendship. Case in point: Lance. His lack of effort was more due to laziness than anything else. The dynamic with him started out imbalanced, but we eventually settled into a more mutual status quo.
Plus, Ben told me he's afraid that if he's the one to reach out I will take it the wrong way.
Bottom line: at this point I believe we both want friendship, but it is something that will have to wait a while. I wil need to be proactive, but not pushy. If the unevenness continues into our friendship and becomes problematic, that's the point where I will need to reevaluate things. But I'd hate to just assume that it will.
Of course, if he was the one to reach out that would be awesome. I just really don't expect that to happen, based on his insecurities.
Let Ben find himself a bit and perhaps he will deal with his issues and insecurities better. While it's nice to have others ask first, I think it's OK for you to be the initiator (you are the social butterfly that keeps everyone together), as long as people hang out and enjoy your company, and not because they feel like they have to.
There seems to two basic schools of thought -- people who don't feel the need to hangout all the time, but when they do it's like old times and people don't skip a beat or hold out expectations. There are others who want more validation -- and that comes in the form of people asking them out. Whatever their motivations, the main thing is you do stuff together and have a good time enjoying each others' company -- you don't have to dwell on equal friendship treatment.
I did have a friend once who who always agree to go do things with me, but over time I found out he did not really like me as a friend. He felt that because I did so many nice things for him, he would accompany me even when he really did not want to. When confronted with this, he said he felt more an obligation to be nice to me, because I was so nice to him -- in dawned on me that I did not have a friendship, I had an obligationship. Of course I was terribly hurt by this and I took me a long time to forgive him. But like you, I did not hate him or wish him any harm, I just wanted him back as a friend, but he never did respond when I tried to reconcile with him years later. I only saw him at his father's funeral; while he was polite, there was no warm in our interaction. He just abandoned me and never looked back. So that's how I know how you feel when you lament your loss of Ben the friend.
Let Ben find himself a bit and perhaps he will deal with his issues and insecurities better. While it's nice to have others ask first, I think it's OK for you to be the initiator (you are the social butterfly that keeps everyone together), as long as people hang out and enjoy your company, and not because they feel like they have to.
There seems to two basic schools of thought -- people who don't feel the need to hangout all the time, but when they do it's like old times and people don't skip a beat or hold out expectations. There are others who want more validation -- and that comes in the form of people asking them out. Whatever their motivations, the main thing is you do stuff together and have a good time enjoying each others' company -- you don't have to dwell on equal friendship treatment.
I did have a friend once who who always agree to go do things with me, but over time I found out he did not really like me as a friend. He felt that because I did so many nice things for him, he would accompany me even when he really did not want to. When confronted with this, he said he felt more an obligation to be nice to me, because I was so nice to him -- in dawned on me that I did not have a friendship, I had an obligationship. Of course I was terribly hurt by this and I took me a long time to forgive him. But like you, I did not hate him or wish him any harm, I just wanted him back as a friend, but he never did respond when I tried to reconcile with him years later. I only saw him at his father's funeral; while he was polite, there was no warm in our interaction. He just abandoned me and never looked back. So that's how I know how you feel when you lament your loss of Ben the friend.
Ooops, sorry, double post.
Post a Comment