Hey all,
So, yesterday was the big day, the much-anticipated meeting with Jake!!
And just like that, the saga is over.
He's a really nice guy, and despite having gone through so many topics of discussion in the last two weeks we still managed to sustain conversation all the way through lunch. After that we saw a movie ('Wanderlust' with Paul Rudd and Jennifer Aniston, two of my biggest crushes from 'Friends'). However, I wasn't sure I felt the right kind of connection with him. I knew I liked him, but I wasn't sure if he could be more than just a friend. Still, I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt and go out again, in case it was just the awkwardness of it being our first encounter.
Apparently he didn't think that was necessary. I texted him today to see if he wanted to meet up again. He responded rather late, having not gotten off of work until 9:30. Basically he said he didn't feel a spark, but wished me the best and suggested we could be friends and I could teach him to play guitar sometime.
Even though I didn't feel much of a spark either, it still hurt a bit to be rejected (and this is the first time anyone's ever done it explicitly). I still am plagued by the doubts of whether it's even possible for me to feel said "spark" with a guy, a girl, or anybody. I know the spark is not something you can ignite at will, it's either there or it's not. Still, after our lengthy correspondence that went so well I was a little dejected that one date was enough for him to decide the spark wasn't there. What do you guys think, should you be able to clearly feel the spark on the first date and if not, move on? Or should you give someone a chance if they seem nice and interesting enough (like I was willing to do)?
Anyways, so after the plot just thickened last week, now it has thinned back out. However, there's still Ben. After the date with Jake I called him. He sounded happy to hear from me. We chatted for a while and I proposed that I come to Los Angeles this weekend and spend the weekend with my cousin so that we could hang out on his turf rather than meeting halfway. He liked the idea, and even invited me to go out with him and his friends for St. Patrick's Day, if I was comfortable with that. I politely declined--I'm not quite ready for that, not on the second date with a guy--and instead suggested we do something with just us. His idea: a hike, followed by grabbing some food. I thought it was a cool idea. Unlike a movie a hike would give us ample time to get to know each other in a setting other than staring at each other across a table while stuffing our faces (though we'll do that too). And who knows, maybe if we click well enough on the hike I'll end up going out with the gang for St. Paddy's. Any thoughts?
So that's where I stand. Ben has some things going for him: he's attractive (honestly I was more physically attracted to him than Jake), friendly, has good taste in music, loves traveling and writing, is academically oriented, and seems like a caring guy. Potential obstacles: well, the distance for one. Also, unlike Jake he doesn't know how new I am at this (nor do I know how new he is . . . try saying that five times fast). I'm not sure whether he'd have a problem with me being just barely out, or me being completely inexperienced with dating and sex. Not to mention my uncertainty about my sexuality, but we won't go there, haha.
I talked to YouTube Guy today and he mentioned how exhausting dating can be on the psyche. I think I know what he means.
7 comments:
It's not good for your confidence that Jake decided so quickly and sure being rejected sucks, but if he's not feeling it, he did you a favor by not stringing you along, because cultivating a hopeless situation would have eventually hurt you more.
After you have had some time to heal, I think you should take up his offer to remain friends with you. It's not what you hope for but it's a consolation prize. And who knows, perhaps the friendship will blossom into something more in the future, just don't go in with those expectations.
As for Ben, the hike and followup time with him is what I'd go for too -- you want to date him, not his friends. Once your relationship is a bit more solidified, then it's a good sign he wants to integrate you with his circle of friends.
A lot of people have romanticized expectations of dating -- being swept off their feet, fireworks, etc. but sometimes it takes time to meet a lot of guys to validate what you are looking for. And it's still so new to you, it takes experience to get your bearing and to feel comfortable making yourself vulnerable.
I'm sorry about Jake. With so much time to anticipate a good meeting it's likely that you both had high expectations. When there was no immediate spark the natural reaction was to feel a little disappointed. I don't think he didn't reject you so much as he set himself up for disappointment.
I can't tell you how much of what you've said about dating resonates with me. I'm also trying to date for the first time and I have the same questions you do. Is a spark instantaneous or does it develop over time? Will I ever click with anyone? Can I tolerate the emotional roller coaster that IS dating? I expect all of those questions and fears are normal, especially in the beginning.
I've tried to learn from the experiences of others. One conclusion I've come to is that meeting the right guy is mostly a numbers game. Shared interests are important but, as you discovered with Jake, you never know if you have chemistry until you meet. So, although I would prefer to focus on just one prospect at a time, I'm trying to juggle several. One benefit of this is that my expectations for each guy is pretty low.
As with everything, practice makes perfect. Eventually we'll get the hang of this, right?
Sounds like a typical date for me. I really think this is how it is most of the time, and then every once in awhile you get something that goes somewhere. A few weeks ago I actually did the math in the shower to figure out what % of my dates lead to some kind of a relationship (more than two dates, and seeing each other for at least 3 weeks). It was around 6%.
I have definitely been on dates where I knew within 15-20 minutes that there was no chance with the guy. Sometimes you just know. Of course, there were other times where I was willing to see where things went.
Anyway, my current strategy for first dates is to keep it simple. Either "coffee" (hot chocolate or a smoothie for me) or a meal. Plenty of chances for us to talk, but you also don't get trapped in awkward or boring activities for a long period of time.
I will not go to a theater for a first date, there is simply no point. Now if they want to watch a movie at home, well, that's going to end up being a cuddle session (and probably more). That's not necessarily a "date" but I'll take those too - you just have to adjust your expectations accordingly.
Sorry the magic didn't translate in person :(
Aww, too bad it didn't seem to work out with Jake. But definitely keep him close as a friend! Never hurts to have another good friend.
Sometimes one can just tell that things aren't gonna be much more than "just friends." Kinda sucks on both ends, but such is life. Sometimes there may not be a spark, but still a glimmer of possibility. In such cases, I think one can kindle the glimmer into a spark and then something.
And a hike sounds like a fantastic idea with Ben! Go for it! :-)
Ouch! :::Hug:::
I know how painful it can be to stung and led on by guys- had my share- I do have to say I could appreciate his honesty as so many guys tend to string you along.
Also, I was on GG today and they had a similar thread going: http://gaygamer.net/forum/showthread.php?36636-At-what-point-do-you-feel-the-chemistry-spark-infatuation
Thanks everyone! You guys have some really good insights.
@El Genio: I tried that link but it seems like I have to be a member on the forum to view it . . .
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