I actually have something to report. I "came out" (if you can call it that, since I don't even know what to call myself) to my only female close friend. We've been meeting up semi-regularly. I'd been wanting to talk to her about it for some time now, but the occasion never seemed right. I was hoping we'd be driving somewhere together so I'd have some alone time in the car with her to talk about it, but instead she wanted to meet up at the mall. We ended up staying fairly late, though, and we found a table in a pretty deserted area so I felt comfortable enough to open up. I started off talking about my asexual tendencies, about how I have a hard time conceptualizing sexual attraction and have always felt different because of it. Later I acknowledged that I have experienced physical attraction and even crushes on guys, and more emotion-based crushes on girls. I've known her since kindergarten, but this has actually made me feel closer to her than possibly ever. She was very sympathetic, and encouraged me to continue to explore to figure myself out. I'm glad I finally did that. I'm not one to talk about sexual topics with friends, so just being able to do that was also a step for me.
Just knowing that I have a couple of my closest friends who I can talk about this to in confidence is huge for me. First my cousin and now this friend. I don't plan on spreading it around much farther though, not before I do a little more soul-searching. Once (if?) I'm sure at some point, then I'll make it known.
One thing we talked about was my use of the word "hot." I rarely use it to describe girls. They can be pretty, beautiful, cute . . . but usually not hot. I can more confidently use it to describe good-looking guys, though. Just another sign that my physical attraction compass points that way.
She wondered if perhaps I have some kind of mental block against objectifying women which prevents me from being physically attracted to them. That's actually something I've considered in the past, but I don't know.
Anyways, it feels good to have made a bit of progress tonight.
2 comments:
Interesting convo. Glad you have more people to bounce your thoughts off of. :-)
HOWEVER, the phrase "encouraged me to continue to explore to figure myself out" always annoys me, because it often comes across as a "I don't have the answers, only you do" non-committal kind of response. I'd like to be pointed in some direction with concrete steps, lol.
That's great you were able to open up to such a long time friend :)
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