Year in review

Today is 1/11/11. Crazy.

Know what else was crazy? 2010. Talk about a roller coaster.

Started out fun, if nerve-racking. January and February were all about interview weekends for PhD programs. Seeing cities I'd never seen before like Philadelphia and Houston, and meeting more people in a short span of time since freshman year of college. Overall, great experiences.

March and April: My plans to attend UCLA are shattered with an unexpected rejection. My realization: as much as I should want to go to Philly to see this PhD thing through, I really don't want to. I've lost confidence in a PhD being what I want to do, and moving to the east coast for something that I don't feel passionate about doesn't seem like the thing to do. Since I can't do a close-to-home trial period anymore, suddenly the costs seem to outweigh the benefits. I decide to defer. I research pharmacy careers.

May: I decide to un-defer. I can't let fear and indecision rule my life, and it's a great opportunity! I travel to Philly, pick out a place to live, and come home. I still feel bad. It gets worse. I get very depressed. This cannot be the sign of a right decision.

June: I decide to re-defer. I arrange to sign on to stay at my job for another year and cancel the place in Philly. I am troubled by guilt for inconveniencing so many people, but I feel I need time to look into other career options.

July: I am (thankfully) able to go through with my Eurotrip. The best month of my life. Wow, which of these months is not like the others? :-)

August-September: Back home. Research dentistry careers. Realize that the fact that I never showed any interest in health care the first time around was probably justified. Turn my sights to secondary teaching, which I have long had in the back of my mind but didn't have the guts to seriously consider. Try to adjust to my parents no longer living nearby.

October-November: Research high school teaching as best as I can. Visit my parents in the Midwest, which reminds me how much I miss them. Tentatively start going forward with plans to apply to a teaching program.

December: Ramp up my application to the teaching program. Begin to wonder whether I shouldn't just do the PhD and then do high school teaching after. Decide against it. Turn down the PhD program. Have an existential dilemma, fearing that I am guilty of selfishness for going for a "safer" option than academia. Enjoy a much needed road trip with my parents and visit with my cousins, uncles, and aunts.

Throughout the year: Whenever I'm not struggling with career issues, I still try to figure out sexuality issues. I spend most of the year presuming I am mostly gay, but with a low sex drive. My attempts to keep in contact with my gay roommate from one of the interview weekends are largely unsuccessful. I make the huge step of "coming out" (as questioning/asexual/sorta gay) to my youngest cousin, who is also my closest confidant. I meet up with a fellow blogger. I continue to periodically see the counselor, though mostly about the career issues.

Anyways . . . bottom line is . . . I am in a completely different place than I was a year ago. Still, I survived. I learned new things about myself (good and bad). I've learned important life lessons and had some amazing experiences that I will cherish forever. I've had some emotional lows that, though unpleasant to experience, I learned from. Heck, I feel like my whole world view, my philosophy of life has shifted. It's a work in progress, I'm still trying to sort things out. But now I realize, more than ever, that life is a journey. There are no "right" or "wrong" paths. Everyone's different, just because you perceive that "most people" might choose one thing doesn't make it right for you, and what's most important in the end is that you remain true to what's important to you.

Thanks to all you guys out there for bearing with me!