After a long break

Been a while. My hiatus from blogging corresponded with the hiatus I took from dating. From mid-November (when I met Ron) to this past week I didn't meet up with anyone new. Partially because of the holidays, and partially because I just needed a break. I was also taking it easy because I wanted to see where things would go with Ron. Well, as of now things aren't really going anywhere. We didn't have a falling out or anything. In fact, the last time I saw him we had a great time and I spent the night at his place. The problem is that that was about a month ago. He has had car trouble so he hasn't been able to come up to visit me at all, and I've been so busy that going down to see him hasn't happened either. We still text periodically but we haven't been talking on the phone or anything. I even met his father last time I saw him, though it was only because I helped them move some stuff in the house.

Bottom line: I like Ron, he's a nice guy and has a good personality. But, the combination of the distance, his business, and the fact that he doesn't seem too invested in continuing things means I've pretty much lost interest. I went out with a new guy last week who was nice, but I didn't feel a connection.

As the year anniversary of my breakup approached in late January things started to get tough emotionally again. But now it has come and gone, and it is several weeks later. I am definitely in a much better place than I was for pretty much the entirety of last year. My mood is generally better, and I am better able to control my thoughts whenever I start to think of Ben and get down.

It still happens, of course. I still miss him, and still think of him every day. But I don't get down about it as often, and when it happens it is not as intense. Whenever I start to romanticize or idealize the memories, I have gotten rather adept at reminding myself of the issues he had. For the most part I have written off friendship with him. A part of me is saddened by that, but I remind myself that it was his decision to treat me the way he did, to undervalue our relationship, to hurt me so badly by ending it so suddenly and unilaterally, to push me away, and to move on to someone else so quickly. Friendship should have been perfectly possible, but it takes two. And I don't want to be the only one invested. Been there, done that. Plus, part of me still views him as "the one that got away," and I fear friendship would be complicated by that. I would grow too resentful seeing him with his new guy, wondering what he has that I didn't. The only way future friendship would be possible is for me to be fully over him, and I fear the only way that's going to happen is to find someone I like better. If that's possible.

I feel like I'd be even more over it if I'd had more luck in finding guys since then. I've made several good friends though, which I'm really thankful for. In fact it seems that most of the fun things I've been doing recently have been friends I've made through online dating.

First I went hiking in Griffith Park with two friends, Sam and Bill. It was important for me to return there, since the only other time had been with Ben. That day had been the day I'd really started to fall for him. Well, I'm happy to report that this time we actually made it to the Hollywood sign and I got some great pictures!

Next Bill and his boyfriend came down and saw one of my shows. We then took a day trip to San Diego (unfortunately Ron was out of town, so I didn't see him).

This weekend I went out to Palm Springs with another friend. We took the aerial tram up and did some hiking in the woods, which was awesome.

Next weekend I'm going up to the Bay Area to visit YouTube Guy and his boyfriend. Wes is coming with me, since he's friends with them too. Hopefully it won't be too awkward, since we are flying up on Valentine's Day (though Presidents' Day Weekend is the real occasion). Today he even told me that he broke up with the guy he had been seeing for the last month, and one reason was the guy was jealous about Wes going on this trip with me (we had planned it and booked it before they started dating). Oh well.

I've been toying with the idea of changing the name of the blog. Not to say I'm not mixed up anymore (aren't we all?) But it has such a negative connotation and I'm trying to inject more positivity into all aspects of my life. This past year I have gotten more interested in positive psychology and ways to enhance happiness (for obvious reasons). So much of it is your outlook. We'll see.