I heard it through the grapevine

Pandora's Box has been opened.

It started out as a normal enough Monday. I awoke next to Ben, stole a couple more minutes of cuddle time thanks to the "snooze" button, and headed off to work after enjoying Ben's special blend of oatmeal (oatmeal + bananas + peanut butter + raisins = crazy delicious)

I called my mom during my lunch break. She and my dad have been up in Northern California visiting my dad's brothers. One is Uncle Pete and the other is Uncle Rob. Uncle Pete is the oldest of the three, and is the father of my three cousins, who are my best friends in the world and my closest confidants. They have played a huge part in helping me through my journey with their understanding and support. Uncle Pete is probably the most outwardly affectionate of the three brothers, and due to my closeness with his sons has long referred to me as his "fourth son." Uncle Rob is the youngest of the brothers. He has two sons who are a bit older than me (early thirties) that I'm not as close to. Uncle Rob is definitely my favorite of the three brothers to talk politics and have intellectual discussions with, as even though he's as conservative as my dad and Uncle Pete, he's a lot more open-minded and logical in conversation.

After telling my sisters about Ben, I had resolved to focus on telling the rest of my close friends, especially since it would be a while before seeing my uncles and aunts again. I also haven't been in a big hurry to tell them because of their conservatism . . . especially Uncle Pete. While talking to my mom on the phone, however, I was in a for a bit of a shock. While at Uncle Rob's house, she had decided to tell everyone there, including Uncle Rob, his wife, his son and his son's wife, and my dad's cousin and her husband. She did this without consulting me first. Why in the world would she do this, why would she go behind my back and spill the beans to so many family members? Well, the first thing that emboldened her was the fact that I was telling all of my friends (indeed, I just told my friend in the navy, let's call him Dave, on Friday, which finished up the list of my closest friends). The second thing: Uncle Pete and his wife already knew!!!!

This one was the biggest shock! How the hell did they find out? They were the most conservative of the family, they were the ones who have Fox News on just about 24/7, who own multiple books written by Ann Coulter, who enjoy Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh, and who had reacted rather negatively when one of my female second cousins had talked about dating girls. Suffice it to say I was dreading my eventual coming-out to them and was hoping to do it very delicately. My mom told me it had been one of my cousins that told them. I was horrified. This is not what was supposed to happen at all. One of my cousins? My closest friends in the world? Telling the two people I'd been most afraid of telling, the ones I wanted to tell very carefully? Immediately I knew which one it must have been. I called up the middle of the three brothers, my cousin Roger. I figured it might be him because, as messed up as it may be, he's the one who is generally the most naive and the least intellectual . . . the only one I could fathom may have slipped up or not realized how much I wanted to tell them at my own pace. He's also the only one who has met Ben.

After talking to Roger for a while, I told him about what my Mom had done and explained how it made me feel and how I preferred to tell people in the family on my own. He didn't offer up an admission, so I went further and told him about finding out that his parents already knew. At this he reluctantly (and cautiously) came clean. One day about a month ago (!) he was talking on the phone with his parents and telling them about his weekend. He mentioned Ben by name, which of course prompted them to ask who Ben was. Rather than lie or just describe him as my friend, he decided to tell them everything. What's more: since then both his brothers had found out about what he had done (and given him quite the tongue-lashing for it, apparently). They didn't tell me because they wanted Roger to fess up himself, warning him that if it didn't come from him it would inevitably come through the grapevine and back to me. Well, he never worked up the guts to tell me, so through the grapevine it did come. 

A few hours ago I called Uncle Pete and his wife and talked with them for an hour about everything. Having lost the chance to be able to be present during their finding out about me, I wanted to give them my side of the story and answer any questions they might have. To their credit, they were very supportive. My uncle was concerned about the difficult path I had chosen, but I told him not being true to myself would have been a lot harder on me in the long run. I also told him about the positive effect that Ben has had on me and on my life these past couple of months (Sunday we hit the 3 month mark). He was concerned about the supposed promiscuity of gay men, but I assured him that both Ben and I are deeply committed to monogamy. I could tell he's a bit skeptical of how lasting our relationship will be.

How am I feeling after this double breach of trust? Well, I'm pretty much okay. After I talked to Ben he was greatly impressed with how well I was taking it (and even asked me whether I was the type of person to internalize my anger, haha).  Actually, I'm more angry with my mom than Roger. Roger's somewhat simple nature made it hard for him to lie to his parents (in fact he didn't even seem to realize the gravity of what he had done until his brothers got on his case about it). Plus his brothers already chewed him out for it and at this point he is truly remorseful. Both should have known better and at least asked me first, but especially my mom. She apologized, but she did it in a somewhat unsatisfactory way ("Sorry if I misspoke"). I still can't wrap my head around what she was thinking. Maybe it was discomfort with keeping the truth from everyone? Maybe she figured it would be easier to ask for forgiveness than permission? I don't know. I wrote her somewhat of a stern email earlier, making sure to remind her to "take other people's feelings into account" when sharing sensitive information. A little dig at her for suggesting I should consider other peoples' feelings after Ben and my PG rated (if that) intimacy "overwhelmed" my brother-in-law. I also took issue with what she said she had told Uncle Pete and his wife: that she "wasn't happy with" the situation. I know she was just expressing her true (if disappointing) feelings, I just wish she hadn't worded it that way. I was hurt by it. Hopefully when she meets Ben (which will happen this week) and sees what an amazing person he is, she will feel a little happier about it all.

Well, that's my story. I've officially been outed to my family. Everyone took it pretty well, which I'm grateful for. The silver lining is that now I don't have to worry about doing it myself, albeit I would have preferred having more control over how it was done. Oh well. What's done is done.