Thanks for your comments, guys. I feel like I want to clarify some things, just in case i wasn't clear enough before. First of all, my sister only told me about her and her husband's reaction because I raised the issue, having been told by my mom. She didn't make any requests of me to tone it down. It was my mom that asked that I take my time with showing physical intimacy with Ben when first introducing him to family. I'd say "bigotry" is a rather strong word for this situation.
Basically, most of my family is very conservative. Not religiously conservative for the most part, just rather traditional. They have very little experience with homosexuality. My mom, when she suggested I slow it down, even said that "it shouldn't be this way," referring to the double standard (i.e., if it had been me with a girl no one would have had a problem with me getting "touchy feely," especially if it was something so simple as an arm around the shoulder or a hand on the leg.
My sister is an amazing person, and she took my coming out very well. My bro-in-law is kind of a stereotypically "macho" kind of guy, so I understand if he has homophobia to deal with. My sister only told him about Ben and me a couple weeks ago. He probably needs some time to readjust to this new information, so I'm willing to give that to him. He sure has selflessly helped me out many many times.
I guess the way I feel is this: I was disappointed by their reaction but I don't blame them for it. If anything I overestimated their ability to adjust, but everyone's different. I'll give them time to get to know Ben better, and will probably also sit them down and have a talk at some point (definitely avoiding words like 'bigotry' and 'homophobia' though, haha). I'm not sure that the best course of action would be to act with Ben exactly as I would act if he were a girl, at least not right away, because we just don't live in that ideal world (yet). As for my nephew and niece, I guess I'll defer to my sister as far as the timing of giving them a talk.
As for how they'll get "used to it"? Well, I guess after they've had a while to get to know Ben I might gradually start ramping up the minor PDA and see how it goes over.
Last order of business: check out http://broandcollege.blogspot.com/, a new blog by a guy I've been chatting with online.
Take care everyone!
5 comments:
I've been reading through your blog today. I'm very impressed with how well tempered you are. You're fair, and understanding, and even when you obviously have emotional investment in something you still come across as if you have the patience and security to see the other side as well. I really enjoy people that have thoughts and passions but can still manage to listen and think about others. You may not even realize what an art that is. Not many people can be that balanced.
And now I'm going to see if I can pull up Cabin in the Woods on netflix. I'm a big Hemsworth fan too. Thanks for sharing that he's hot in this movie. ;)
Sounds like an even-keeled response to me. :-)
My personal reaction to your previous post was based on the fact that while it is good to listen to others and respect them, you must not forget yourself. I agree that sometimes we need to give time to people around us concerning our sexuality ( we mostly all needed a lot of time to be comfortable with it ourselves), but I don't think that it has to be done at our own expense. That's what I wish for you (and of course Ben's love ;) )
We often excuse behavior of loved ones that otherwise would offend us when coming from a stranger. Perhaps you are right -- they just need time to adapt and adjust. But like I said previously, if you totally suppress yourself, there is no opportunities for them to adjust because you have eliminated the issue from view.
You seem very attuned to other people's needs -- still there are times, you need value yourself more. Why should you be the only one having to adjust when they can and should just as well compromise too?
They are your family and the most important thing to commend here is that they are willing to commit time and energy to widen their perspective, despite nurture, because they care about you so much.
The least you can do is give them that time and space to adjust.
I think you've handled it perfectly. As long as you are happy with the speed of progress and you continue to be honest, they stand every chance of getting their head in the game. ;)
In my own family physical displays of love aren't really a done thing from the het's or the homo's ;) but families are different
Glad things are improving
Sam
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