Positive change

I had the first counseling session in 3 weeks earlier this evening. I talked about the many ways that my life has improved over the past couple of months. I feel more self-confident. I'm (a little) less concerned about what other people think. I'm more open to the idea of a same-sex relationship (if I find the right guy). I might even have a little more of a sex drive, hard to say. I'm ruminating less, less dominated by worries and negative thoughts. There's still a little bit of that, but it's better. I'm learning to forgive myself for my own shortcomings, and to accept myself for who I am. At the end of the session, the counselor said that she saw "a lot of growth" in me. I remember when I first started seeing her I was in a pretty bad place, and I anxiously awaited every session so I could load off what troubled me. I also felt like I had no one to talk to. Now, it's like I've got my old confidants back. My cousins, my friend, my mom, I've talked to them all about my sexuality issue and they have all been supportive. I think I'm going to reduce the frequency of my counselling sessions. Not sure if I'll completely stop just yet though, as I still have a ways to go.

One of the aspects of my personality that has most troubled me in my life so far is my self-consciousness. Especially in middle school and high school, I was overly concerned with how I was perceived by others. In middle school I was really into Star Wars. I had the action figures and video games, and I read a number of the books. That is, until I realized that it wasn't "cool" to like science fiction and fantasy. I was desperate not to fit the stereotype of a "nerd." So I stopped. In fact, I did the same thing in elementary school with Power Rangers. Once they weren't cool anymore, I gave them up (to my parents' frustration, since they had bought me some of the toys for Christmas). I even hid the boxes when people came over. In the first few years of high school this tendency to censor my own interests and personality put me in an awkward place. I wasn't an athlete, I wasn't popular, I wasn't a slacker, so I didn't fit into any of those cliques. I was smart, but because of my refusal to be labelled a nerd (which I probably was anyway), I didn't hang out with the people with more "nerdy" interests. Eventually I did find a group of friends in the later years of high school, largely due to our shared love of rock music (which I actually started listening to to give me something in common with people, good thing I actually loved it), but it was rough for a while.

I recognized this shortcoming at the time. In sophomore year of high school, we had an assignment to come up with a quote that really resonated with us. I chose this quote by Charles Schwab: "The man who trims himself to suit everybody will soon whittle himself away." I was definitely guilty of this. For fear of anyone not liking me, I preferred to fly below the radar. My low self-confidence led to me being a very quiet, shy individual. It's almost like I chose invisibility instead of risk rejection or ridicule. Throughout high school I fought against this in an effort to be more outgoing.

Now, because of my experiences in college and beyond, I no longer consider myself shy (though I will always naturally be an introvert). I have a level of self-confidence that I wish I had back then (though it could stand to be higher still). Suddenly I find myself doing things I would have never done before, like taking an improv acting class, performing with an a capella group, or singing and playing the guitar for patients in the hospital.

This was kind of a rambling post, but I just wanted to explore how I've changed over the years. Some people figure out their sexuality at a very young age, but as for me, I'm really not all that surprised that it has taken me so long to get this far, since I had other issues to deal with. One thing I'm trying to remind myself of though, is that life is not a race. We're all on our own journey, and all go at our own pace.