Saturday we drove out to visit with my sister and her family. It was really great being with everyone. Sunday was the wedding, and me and my younger cousin got to tag along. It was fun, though going to weddings always makes me wonder if I'll ever have one of my own. I chatted with a PhD student for a while. One thing I've noticed: lots of PhD students really don't seem to spend much time thinking about what they're planning to do with their degree after grad school. Guess my obsessive thinking about the future sets me apart. I'm working on it . . . that tendency definitely leads to analysis paralysis. Still, I mostly still think I made the right decision by not doing the PhD program. Mostly.
After the wedding we were on our way back to my younger cousin's place and I was conflicted. I felt bad having opened up to my two younger cousins and not their brother. At the same time, he was the one I had been closest to growing up, the one I had always looked up to, so telling him my secret would be no easy task. I had touched on the subject the night before, focusing on my lack of sexual experience and low interest. This night I finally worked up the nerve to go for broke, while I still had him in person. I spilled my guts about everything, from my sexuality confusion to my crazy career-related anxiety and the relation between the two. The three of us parked for a long while outside the house to talk. It really did feel good to get it all out, and he made sure that I knew that he was perfectly cool with whatever the outcome was.
A couple days later after he was back in New York, I called him to see how his flight was and to have a little follow up discussion. He told me that he admired the courage I showed by opening up to him, and stressed how it didn't change anything and that I'm still his "favorite cousin." I got choked up there, haha. He also said he was always available if I needed to talk. That was good to hear. I hate to impose, but I shouldn't be afraid to seek counsel when needed.
It feels good to have the issue out in the open with all of my closest confidants (my three cousins, my mom, and my friend "Janice." That's really one of the hardest parts, and when I finally get some experience and feel ready to define myself (if i choose to do so, who needs labels after all, haha), telling them will be much easier.
2 comments:
Sounds like you're making progress. :-) The more people you talk to, perhaps the better of an idea you can get of yourself and life in general.
It's good to hear how close you are to family. Don;t worry about the future, just focus on what's in front of you. Norm
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