The journey so far

It's weird, I'll go through phases when I hardly post, then I get all into blogging again. I guess that's normal. Over the last couple of days I've been browsing around the links to other blogs and have found some really good, interesting, ones that I can relate to.

It's been a while now since I first started this blog. Maybe it's time to look back and see what (little) progress I've made. Recap time. Much of this I have covered before in this blog, but I think I have a more cohesive understanding of it all now. WARNING . . . VERY long post alert.

While I can think of a few minor attractions to guys going way back into middle school, the first major attractions I remember were in high school. Still, there were only a few instances and it was mostly guys I didn't know personally, so I chalked it up to admiration. I did develop an interest in weight lifting, desiring to get more muscular. My motivation was not "to get girls" but rather, I think, because I liked the male physique and wanted to achieve it for myself. Also, I desired a higher level of emotional intimacy with a guy than I had in any of my friendships, primarily in the form of a mutual best friendship. I developed a major crush on a guy freshman year of college, and the intensity of my feelings coupled with my jealousy over the fact that he already had a best friend made me question my sexuality for the first time. At the end of freshman year, after admitting to some dorm friends that I had never masturbated before, I began to wonder if I was asexual.

I really started to notice guys physically in sophomore year. At the gym, on campus, in classes. As college continued, so did this tendency. There was at least one occasion where there was a hot guy in my class whose name I "accidentally" discovered, whom I then looked up on Facebook. Yes, that made me feel like a cyber stalker. I studied abroad in the summer after my 4th year and crushed on the male grad student who was teaching my psychology class.

Throughout all of this time (middle school through college) there were also girls who I would develop feelings for. But it would always be based on personality . . . I would never really experience physically attraction.

20 was the first time I had a "solo" experience. It was a combination of lower than average sex drive and ridiculously strict morals (and I wasn't even religious) that was behind that. I tried to use it for a while to "condition" myself to be physically attracted to women. Kind of like Pavlov's dog, I guess. I figured if I taught myself to associate hot women with pleasure the connection would become automatic. Didn't quite work, and I eventually gave up and switched over to what was naturally more aesthetically pleasing.

Browsing the Men's Health forums one time led me to a link to a bisexual guy's blog. From there I found links to other blogs and was amazed at the community of bloggers in similar situations. In early 2008 I took some major steps to figuring myself out. I started seeing a psychologist so I could have someone to talk to about my issues. I emailed some bloggers and chatted with them. And I started this blog. It was helpful, and I posted a decent amount that year. I went on my first real date with a girl and had my first (drunken) kiss with a girl. Both were awkward. Not that they wouldn't have been awkward if they'd been with men.

In early 2009 I decided that I was straight "enough" and ended the blog, determined that it would all be fine as long as I found the right girl.

By early 2010 I was back. I went to grad school interviews, planning to enter academia as a neuroscientist. One interview weekend I revealed my sexuality dilemma to my roommate (who was understanding, but fell asleep mid-conversation), and another weekend I roomed with a hot gay guy (though I didn't know he was gay at the time). And I had a major quarter life crisis where I decided that the academic lifestyle and sacrificing the ability to live near family and friends were too unappealing and I started researching other things. I went on a Eurotrip with my cousins and close friends, where we inadvertently encountered two gay pride parades and accidentally stayed at a gay hotel in Berlin.

In Sept 2010 I came out as questioning to my cousin, who is my closest confidant. He was cool with it. In Feb 2011 I did the same to my closest female friend, whom I've known since kindergarten. I knew she'd be fine as she is very liberal.

I switched psychologists to one who is more experienced with sexuality and obsessive/anxiety issues. It's been helpful so far. One of my problems is my obsessive tendency to doubt myself, which causes me to take two steps back every time I'm on the verge of declaring myself gay.

I've been flirting with the idea of reaching out to a Facebook acquaintance who works near me and is gay. I had a crush on him a few years ago (he has a boyfriend now). I figure he'd be a good one to talk to since we have few friends in common. I've also thought about visiting a gay bar with my friend, but that thought is quite scary.

Phew! Well, not as much progress as I would have liked, but I think I've definitely made psychological progress at least. Maybe soon I'll take another step.