It was about a year ago when this crazy career-questioning journey began. My dreams of being a college professor began to be affected as I learned about the harsh reality of academia. I realized that if I continued to go for that goal, I would have to make sacrifices that I was not comfortable with. So at the eleventh hour, I pulled out. I researched various other jobs, mostly in health care, before deciding to stick with the teaching idea, only down a level to high school. But, I must say . . . the same thing has happened again. I don't really want to spend all that much time with going into the details of it. In the end it was a much easier decision this time around. I saw my mind going to a dark place, realized the cause was the anxiety I had about the path I had chosen, and decided that the only thing still keeping me on that path was the reluctance to look like a complete flake by changing my mind again. Luckily it wasn't long before I came to this rather obvious realization: it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about my decision. It doesn't matter if you seem completely crazy for doing it (I fear I do, haha). What I decide affects others' lives a minuscule amount. But it affects my life 100%.
Thanks to all who encouraged me to pursue teaching . . . sorry I won't be taking your advice, at least not at this time. I have no doubt that it's a great career for some people . . . but at this point it's just not what I want to do.
In any case, I'm looking at another very promising path right now. I wouldn't have backed out if I didn't have something attractive to pursue instead. I think I'll hold off on talking about it until I get a little farther, but at this point in time I feel MUCH better about it than most of the other things I've looked at. Kind of strange how I'm holding back on an anonymous blog. Anyways, how do I know this same thing won't happen again? Well, for one I'm determined to NOT let this become a recurring pattern. I know it might seem that I'm just reacting out of fear, and I admit that fear is certainly a factor. I will try to work on that. But really, I do honestly believe that there are real reasons why the paths I've flirted with up until this point were not right for me. The path I'm looking at now has some key differences from academia and teaching that I've realized are very important to me. More to come about that, once I start moving forward.
I wish there was something as exciting to report on the sexuality front. There isn't really. I just continue to monitor my feelings and stay attentive to any feelings of attraction I might have to people I interact with. I was actually quite attracted to the waiter at lunch today. He made eye contact with me a couple of times and each time it was a little exciting. Gives me hope that maybe, just maybe, I'm not as asexual as I've feared myself to be. Perhaps in the right context I can feel what so many others feel so strongly.
3 comments:
LOL... You always have me wondering what is coming next... DO TELL!!! hahaha
Do what your gut tells ya. It seems like you want to go into something that allows you to interact with people and help them. There are LOTS out there for you to explore and go into. Bad thing is . . . there are LOTS out there, haha.
As for the sexuality thing, it kinda hit me a few days ago that I may be more asexual than I thought. Or maybe, like you said, there just hasn't been a right context (and everything else in life right now is rather hectic/stressful, and that doesn't help).
OMG Mike, your comment made me crack up, haha. That did occur to me, I thought "Well if nothing else, I'm sure all this makes for an entertaining blog"! What can I say, I'm paying the price for not doing proper soul searching back in college.
Aek, thanks. Sometimes I wonder whether I wouldn't have just been better off going to med school like everyone else. Who knows, maybe after a couple more years of researching every career under the sun I'll finally be properly motivated to take the plunge, haha.
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